Okay, my wife and I have recently been taking care of my wife's five year old niece due to her mom being out of town for business. She's always been bratty due to always getting her way. My wife's sister has a lot of money due to her and her husband's very well paying jobs (and he also comes from money). We've had her for 2 weeks and are about to pull our hair out!!! (Parents will be out for 2 more weeks due to delays within the company). She's been pulling the same behaviors at school and with her parents so we're not the first targets of her mean attacks!
My wife and I are very strict parents. There will be respect in the house. We are consistent in our ways. We have a three strikes and you're out approach to raising our children. (Others are different, but this is how my wife and I have raised our four children and each one of them are surviving just fine.) When we punish her due to her disrespectfulness, rudeness, name calling, hitting and obsessive anger, she begins with sayings such as: "I hate you", "I wish you would lose me and never see me again", "DFS can have me", and many other very hateful and heart breaking things! We've been putting her in the corner and letting her think about it, we've tried talking to her, we've even set her up with a therapist with my sister-in-law's agreement. If she's getting her way and everything is going according to HER rules, she's the most perfect little girl in the world. As soon as you tell her no, she turns into Satan's child! NO I've never called her that, but her behavior is more than I can take, but I want to do best for her in the same breath. My wife and I are just clueless on what to do with her. This has been happening for a while and she's always gotten her way so she won't act out, just keep quiet, etc. PLEASE any POSTIVE advice that you may have would be amazing! (Please no negativity. I have enough already).
*** We DO reward her when she is being good by doing crafts or playing games. All the kids know that if you're good then we get to do fun things, but if you're bad then it's no fun for anyone. We've tried to ignore the behavior, but when it's things like "I wish you would just die" it's very alarming!
*** We only have suggested the therapist as a way for her to talk to someone outside the family about why she's angry because she will not talk to anyone--including her cousins--about anything. It's just the anger that alarms us the most. She's a wonderful little girl but the things she says even at school is SERIOUSLY scary! First appointment with therapist is set for Monday, April 29th.
*** DFS is Department of Family Services. Same thing as CPS (Child Protection Services). Not sure what they call it other places, but DFS is the terminology I've always been raised with.
*** She is bright beyond words and one of her school mates was taken into DFS custody and their teacher and school counselor along with parents explained to all the children what that meant. That's how she knows about DFS. That and my other sister-in-law is a DFS caseworker. So she's very advanced on terminology in different areas which can be somewhat of a disadvantage at times. She's way too smart for her own good sometimes. I know all parents have felt that way at least once!
You are doing everything right. Keep disciplining her. Hopefully by the time her parents get home, she will be a different child.
Perhaps you can talk to her parents about how they parent and attempt to use their approach since really, you are functioning as a temporary babysitter. I hope she is getting to Skype or facetime with her parents on at least a daily day. Can you imagine being five years old, being separated from your parents and then being thrown into a situation where you get punished all the time? And then get punished some more for getting upset about the whole situation. Whether or not you agree with how your niece is normally parented, it is not your job to 'fix it', it is your job to take care of this young child for a few weeks in the most positive way possible.
I think you are already doing all of the right things. Consistency and follow through with discipline threats are key. Keep up the already good work.
One suggestion I have is that you or your wife, or really anybody, spend some one-on-one time with this little girl in a positive, happy situation. Like a date. IMO, all of her bad behavior is her cry for attention. It must be very hard for her to be put off on another family while the parents are off working.
My 7-yr old boy began acting up, and I have seen dramatic improvement with sincerely acknowledging his feelings, and then planning good times with just him and me. Or with him and Dad. His little brother gets plenty of alone time with Mom, and I think the older son just wanted his too.
Guess you can see first hand that money doesn't buy happiness! Good lesson to share with your own kids! Best of luck to your family!
She is saying things like "I hate you" to get a reaction from you. If she gets no reaction, she will stop and possibly try something else. The best advise I can give you is to make sure you don't react to things like that and make sure you do catch her being good.
Point it out to her when you see her doing things like being nice to her cousins or doing something extra for you. When she begins acting up, back off and do your best to ignore the negative comments.
It's not a perfect solution, by any means, but try to focus less on her negativity and try to model and complement the positive.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you know that you are playing a very important role in your niece's life. As frustrating as this is right now, please know you are doing the right thing by working with her and loving her. That is something she needs desperately right now.
It's possible you've never had one of your kids say, "I hate you." Not every child does this, but rest assured, this is quite common. One of my boys has done this (I'm certain the 4 year old will in due time). He's only done it a couple of times, but there were times when he was very frustrated and simply could not find the words to express just how frustrated he was. When he yelled, "I hate you," at me, it really, really hurt. But then I remember saying something similar to my mom (and we have a fabulous relationship), and I remember feeling very frustrated, misunderstood and just very, very disappointed that I wasn't going to get my way. I was mad at her, and I wanted her to know that. When my son said that to me, I simply replied, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I love you and that will never change." He's only done this a couple of times, and it's been a few years since the last time.
Please don't let her words alarm you. She's probably very lost and is desperate to be loved. Keep doing what you are doing. It might take awhile, but it really is the right thing to do.
stay the course - you know you two are doing the right thing. Don't change now or you'll lose all the good work you've done (you can't see it yet, but you will as she gets older)
All I can say is good job. You aren't going to turn around 5 yrs of parenting in two weeks or even 4. At least you have been a great influence in getting her parents to get her counsel. They need some family therapy.
I don't know her from Adam but I have seen kids like this. One who bragged about Dad taking him to art class in the green JAG instead of the older blue one! He was also very rude to authority but seemed like the loneliest kid. Poor little rich kid. Yikes.
Your rules are fine but she NEEDS some responsibility and playtime with you. A balance in her day so she sees some normal interaction. This is going to be one step forward and two back. Let her know that you love her but not her misbehavior. Some quiet reading time at bedtime. A longer chapter book so you can talk about the choices in the book. One of my favorites is The Long Winter by Laura Ingles Wilder. It will help her see life in a different way. Let her be responsible for setting the table. Don't sit down to eat till she does. don't let her words get to you. Make her go to her room but don't let her see you be hurt. She really doesn't want the power to do that. She's rejecting you before you can reject her, I think. Don't give up on her!
There will be other good advise here. Keep us informed! Good luck!
How the hell does a 5 year old even know what DFS is?? I know that is beside the point, but I was just really struck by that.
I think you are taking the right approach, and a spoiled child will rebel even more when they encounter boundaries for the first time. She is testing you for a weakness and getting frustrated that she can't find one. GOOD!!
My mom used to babysit her friend's son (a pre-teen), who was also spoiled due to his parents working a ton, and having lots of money to spend on their kids. He had never been punished by his parents, but the day that he decided to use his Tae Kwan Do skills on my sister, my mom had him stand in the corner until his mother came to pick him up. That was the last time he was ever mean to any of us. I'm pretty sure if he was younger, like 5, he'd have needed several punishment episodes before he got the message.
Let her know that she has a right to be angry; a right to her feels, but she does NOT have the right to be disrespectul. She needs to learn to voice her unhappiness/displeasure in a more respectful manner. Perhaps you can tell her something like "It's okay for you to feel like that, but not okay for you to say things like that. A better way for you to let me know ho you feel is to say something like XXX instead. That way I understand you're angry/unhappy, but you have also been respectful and I can hear you then. I can't and won't hear you if you continue to talk to me that way" and teach her how to voice her displeasure in a more appropriate and respectful manner. She really may not know how.
I don't think she needs a counselor, just a parent with some backbone!
I only had one chld that yelled "I HATE YOU" at me. I replied real quick with "I'm sorry you fell that way right now. I love you and always will. When you grow up you won't feel that way." Then I told them to do the thing they didn't want to do that caused the comment in the first place. I think it was, "Now turn the TV off and go clean your room."
As far as DFS goes, "I'm sorry you want to go to DFS, but you'll have to learn to behave before they would take you" or something similar.
Good luck to you and yours.
What is DFS?
I suppose you can discipline her however you want while she's there, but since she's going back to her parents soon they will continue to do what they do.
School won't allow her to get away with this type of behavior, that's for sure, so maybe she'll learn something there.
Also what does her therapist say?
Honestly, you aren't going to FIX someone else's child in the short time you're keeping her. You aren't there to parent her, really, you're watching her so her mom could take a trip for work.
You knew she was bratty before you agreed to keep her, right? It shouldn't be a surprise that she's still bratty two weeks into her stay.
You can certainly enforce rules specific to your house (ie "We do not use mean talk to each other." or "Everyone does chores before they play.") , but changes to her overall demeanor, personality, and behavior take time and consistency from her permanent care-giver.
For the next two weeks, I'd think more "bandaid" and less "cure." for this little girl. YOU can't be the ones to change her. Manage her behaviors short term, keep your household sane.
HTH
T.
First off... I don't know exactly what's going on and what kind of behaviors she is showing... so I could be completely off base.
But try to put yourself in her shoes. She is away from her parents for a full month. That must be very hard for a 5 year old. For better or worse, she has learned to cope by saying these hurtful things. She is acting out because she misses her parents, home, etc! Show her some love.
I don't have any issues with you enforcing the rules of your house. Do what you need to do to keep her and your family safe until her parents get back. If any child said that kind of stuff to me, I'd just send them to their room to cool off. Later, we could talk about it. "I know you miss your Mom. Its not acceptable for you to talk to me like that. If it happens again, X will happen." Stay calm and don't react emotionally... its a pretty blatant cry for attention and love.
Just remember - its not your job to try to raise her, just to keep her safe while they are away.
I assume that her parents had the therapist set-up in advance? Otherwise, it is completely inappropriate for you to take her to a therapist. If she is acting up at school, really, its her parents responsibility to handle that. They may address it differently than you would. Unless you feel she is in physical danger, you need to let her parents do the heavy lifting of therapy, etc.
Maybe the next time they need a sitter you and your wife will not be available... ? Good luck. I know it must see like the longest four weeks of your life...
There is some good advice already on this site. Besides her background and situation she may also just be a very strong-willed child. Keeping your cool is essential. Also, to save your sanity, every morning try thinking of 5 things you really like about her. At the end of the day, mention 3 things she did that day that you really liked/enjoyed/appreciated. Love and discipline are a good combo. I hope it goes better the next two weeks!
Lots of good responses here about trying to find the balance between "just getting through" the next few weeks and making a long term difference for her. The one thing that I would mention is that we have sat down with our boys when they have said hurtful things and talked to them about how they feel when someone says something hurtful to them. We explain that people get over the hurt feelings, but we can never truly take something back once we've said it. Even if it is said in an emotional moment, we can't control when someone might remember the words more than the context. This is a tough concept for little ones, but we felt like it was important to start laying the groundwork. We share with them that we all have moments that we regret, but that we should really try to have as few of them as possible. Good luck and kudos to you~
First I want to say good for you for what you have done so far. I work with children with challenging behaviors and all I can say is that you are doing what we do all day long. We catch them being good, and reward the behavior you want to increase.
It is always a good idea to go over what your expectations are and what will happen if rules are not followed. Then be consistent. If she is disrespectful,(and explain what disrespectful looks like, don't assume she knows what you mean. Everyone has their own idea of what respect is)
Let her work toward a goal. If she has a great day in school and at home, she can earn a star. after a certain amnt of stars she can earn something fun. Explain what kinds of consequences happen as a result of her mean words. (people's feeling get hurt, they lose respect for you, etc)
I am sure you have tried all this, but keep it up, don't give in. If she has a great day, praise her like crazy. If she lashes out, don't react, calmly say, we don't speak that way, time out, etc. Don't give any attention to the negative behavior. I agree with the therapist idea also. Hopefully her parents are aware and will get her help if that is what she needs. When children lash out like she has, they are crying out for attention. (in most cases) With your love and attention she will eventually learn what kind of behavior she needs to have to get the love and attention she obviously craves. I agree with the others on this site that have mentioned to just keep your cool and praise her and show her love when she acts appropriately.
Don't forget, the behavior might increase before it decreases. Just don't let her go with out a consequence for being disrespectful. BE CONSISTENT.
Another idea, maybe plan a "date" with her where you just take her out alone for some bonding time. I know you only have 2 more weeks with her, but it will only help her in the long run. Let her parents know what worked for you guys and maybe they will try it too.
Good luck you are doing a wonderful thing...God Bless you all.
