I Have 31 Year Old Daughter, She Is Mad at Me, What Should I Do?

I think you're leaving something out here - obviously the ex is not someone your daughter wants to be connected with in any way.

I think the whole I'm a great mom thing is a bit overkill (no offense). You've pissed off your daughter, or hurt her, or both. I'm not even sure what the relationship you had with your mother is relevant to here - sounds like you're just trying to prove your case that you're a kind person to everyone.

Well - your daughter's feelings come first. Just wait until she contacts you and then I'd apologize. Obviously - she didn't want you to be 'friends' with him.

Her reaction sounds over the top (sounds like a whole lot of drama really) - but what can you do? Stop pestering her for now.

I agree. Leave her be. She will come back when she's ready.

I think her demands are unreasonable, especially the one to get off facebook. My 16 yo granddaughter said I shouldn't talk about her on this site. As you can see, I still do. What I say and where is my choice. In my case, she doesn't know what I say because she doesn't use the sight.

I suggest you let her know that these are your choices. She has no right to tell you what to do just as you shouldn't tell her what to do. Get back on Facebook. Iwouldn't post anything about her because she does see your posts. Be firm in believing that you make your choices.

Ignore her for a few weeks. This gets your power back. By doing what she says you are giving your power to her.
If you plead for her to come back, she still has the power when both of you should have your own power. Often people lose respect.for us when we are intimadated by them. On some level they know you should stand up for yourself.

So don't try to fix your relationship. Confidently live your own life.

After your SWH. Your children love you even when they disagree with you. Each of you are to stand alone. I suggest you depend on their approval. You work to make them happy. You seem to have lost a sense of self. Sounds like you feel unloved aND unappreciated. You want your dream of what a family does. I suggest it is not the way they see family.

I urge you to learn about co-dependancy. There are many good books. I also suggest counseling will help you find out who you are separate from your children.

I was unhappy with my life. In my late 20s I was seriously depressed. I was scared enough that I made an appointment with a counselor. She asked me to read a book n codependency. The one she suggested had the word co-dependant in the title. Took me a couple of weeks to buy it. I was scared because how I acted and felt was in that book. I continued counseling for support as I explored changing feelings and behaviour. Counseling helped me see my self esteem was very low and I mostly saw myself as a caregiver which was no longer working as it had as a child. Caregiving is an important part of my life. It just isn't my whole life. I learned that there were other aspects of my life unknown to me. With help I matured knowing I could be a whole.person happy with my life.

I also had a difficult time growing up. I missed.out.on so many things that would've helped me be a more whole person. I learned to love myself and eventually accepted that I could change.
I suggest that once you have interests outside your children you will feel less affected by what your children do or don't do.

I've worked on making myself happy all my adult life. The journey has been difficult at times. My journey started with that book on codependency. I urge you to get help knowing you're loved by your children. Get help in finding other parts of your life so that you won't depend so much on others making you happy.

What do you like to do? What other interests do you have. Find one thing and do that every week. Search for happiness outside your children. You are worth it!

I think it would be good for you to give her a lot of space.

Honestly, I have a 'want to help' parent and I see that there is something missing from that person's life. This individual doesn't realize how intrusive they are. Fortunately, this is not usually directed at me but at some of my other siblings and it's still emotionally exhausting for me to be around this parent. Their whole life is consumed with 'what they do for others' and I'm not saying that it's in any way a wholly bad thing, but there are boundaries which this individual just does not have.

If I had the opportunity and the appropriate moment, I would tell this person "please, go talk to someone about this, find out what it is that you are really seeking". Sometimes people look to other people for meaning in their lives. It sounds like you were very thoughtful as a mom to your kids growing up, but your daughter is now giving you clear signals that she needs space. I'd also be wary of her friends feeling a need to 'friend' you, and be wary of your feeling the need to affirm their lives. I have a joke "at some point, everyone needs to pay for their own therapy". It's a joke, but there's a meaning there, which is that there are some situations in which is it appropriate to hash out your life story and ask for support from *close friends* and family. That's not something I would ever approach my friend's friends for or anyone I had a mere acquaintanceship with.

So, from outside the situation, it looks like you need to reassess your social boundaries. My son is young, but were he older and his friends wanted to 'friend' me on FB, I'd politely decline. I have my own friends. I have no need to fix my son's friends problems or make them feel okay about themselves other than when I am with them. It doesn't mean I don't care, it's that I do care a lot about my son and his autonomy.

When children leave the nest, it triggers the unfinished emotional business we were carrying before the children came along.

They are a great distraction, but now you don't have that.

Time to refocus on taking care of yourself. Your abandonment issues should be at the top of your list (do not make this about your children).

Please find a licensed therapist to help you with this.

You have done a great job with your children. Continue this by role modeling how to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically.

After all you have been through, you deserve this for yourself.

Sometimes the kids we raise aren't 100% programmed the way we would like. They are their own people, with strengths and flaws and even some BS attitudes. That isn't necessarily a reflection on your parenting. Your kids have been influenced by so many people and experiences.

One of the things we have to deal with is the transition from "kids" to "adult children". They may or may not need us to be friends with their friends, for example. And we don't know everything they went through in relationships. Your daughter's ex, for example, has been sober for 4 years - so what was he like in their relationship? Maybe he wasn't such an upstanding person, maybe she doesn't want his sobriety history to be public in terms of its connection to her, etc.

What you have to do is give her space, as others have said. Let her cool down, let her miss you, let the children ask about when they're going to see Grandma and Grandpa. You say you "want to be a pest." Really, that is the worst thing you can do. It's what YOU need, but it's not what SHE needs, and therefore it's not what your relationship needs. If you do not think your relationship with your daughter can survive a separation of 3 or 6 or 12 weeks, then it's not very strong, is it?

This is dredging up old wounds, of her being angry and you getting her message that you weren't good enough. So it's not just about FB, is it?

My husband has 2 daughters. For some years now, only one has been in his life at any given time. They have issues, they retreat, they hole up in their lives. Both are in abusive relationships (one physical, one mental/financial) and their lives get crappy and overwhelming. So we wait it out. Eventually they come back.

You want your daughter to know that you are there for her. She knows it. She cannot manage it right now. You have to be the uber-adult now, the patient person who shows confidence in what you have one as a parent, and not the anxious person in need of validation. She cannot manage the Needy Mom. She cannot, apparently, manage the Friends-with-my-boyfriends Mom. If she uses FB for work, she absolutely doesn't need any references to her personal life on there.

But you say there have been issues for years - now they are just at the forefront because they're on social media.

Also, you bring your own experience with your own parents into this, and maybe you are trying just a little too hard with too little confidence in the outcome. You have no choice - back off, wait, calm down, breathe, wait some more. If you keep nagging her, she will never settle down.

Your husband is right. Leave her be. She is being a little beotch and trying to make you jump through hoops. You had better stop jumping through these hoops, because it won't stop if you don't. It won't be about facebook, but it will be about other things.

I'm sorry to point this out, but I think it needs to be said that you didn't put her in her place enough as a child when she was acting better than others. And now you're getting the brunt of it. She has "graduated" into thinking that she is now better than her parents.

I think you and your husband need a vacation. Go on one. Find yourselves hobbies, something to do that doesn't involve your daughter and her family. You need something else to think about. I know it's hard not to see your grandkids the way you did, but she was going to do this to you no matter whether you had facebook friends she didn't like you to have, or something else.

I feel like this is one of those stories with big gaping canyon sized holes in it.

After your what happened, still too many holes. I do know that really bad parenting produced two parenting styles. Like you described, doing everything the opposite never works. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Even the worst mom does a fair few things right it is just the wrong things that are very bad. So you do everything opposite you are making a very large new crop of huge mistakes. Like the I love you so much you are so special gives you a narcissistic child that thinks she is better than others, that isn't good, yes? There isn't a way to go line by line but my point is the best result is looking at every parenting situation and figuring out, was this wrong, is there a better way. It is more difficult, takes real parenting skills, but in the end you still end up with kids without a perfect childhood but are basically happy with life and you.

A couple of my kids friends (now adults) friended me on fb which is fine. My kids also friended me on fb but if they hadn't then I wouldn't have sent a request or been offended if they didn't. Fb is not real life.

I don't have any of their ex boyfriends/girlfriends just because there's no need for creating that friction. This was totally my choice to do and not something I felt the need to talk about with them.

My advice would be to let your daughter be and she'll come around. She doesn't get to choose if you are on fb or not. You don't get to choose if she wants to be your fb friend or not. You get to choose your fb friends and now that you've seem that doesn't always work out the way you want you might choose more selectively. Just because a child hung out at my house doesn't mean I have to be their fb friend.

You can be friends with who ever you want to be friends with.
And your daughter can be mad if she wants to be.
It seems like she's not put this ex behind her as much as she/you thought she did and now she's feeling some sort of betrayal.
I don't know - I suppose if they had an abusive relationship I could see her point - but I've got no back history to work with here.
If the guy raped her and is now living a happy life - yeah I can see how that might bring back some trauma for her over him - but no one knows what her issue with him is so how are you suppose to act accordingly?
I've been happily married 28 years.
I have an ex boyfriend from when I was in high school - and I no longer have contact with him.
But his mother just LOVES me and keeps in contact - sends me a Christmas card every year.
She lets me know her son is married/divorced/married again - and I wish him all the best - but no one feels threatened by this.
Your daughter is going to have to get over her snit - and she will in time - but in the mean time just leave her be and go on as you normally do.
It's hard to know if you have anything to apologize for when you don't even know what exactly she's upset about.
Sorry but your telepathy isn't working right now and she's going to have to use actual words to communicate with you.

Book recommendation: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

While this book focuses on alcoholic codependency, skim over those parts and stick with the book until you get the parts about healthy emotional boundaries and recognizing where your emotions end and theirs (your daughter's) begin. It's an excellent book and totally worth your time. I think it would be very helpful to you.

I just wanted to say that you did nothing wrong and your daughter is having a tantrum like a child. A mature adult would have said "hey mom, I love that you are friends with some of my childhood friends on FB but it feels awkward to see that you are friends with John (or whoever the ex is). I know he's old news but seeing him on your page just brings up some painful memories for me, would you mind unfriending him?" And you would say "oh of course honey I didn't realize that it would bother you but sure, I'll do that." And that would be it.

Sounds like she has some baggage with this guy. I bet it will blow over with time. Don't beat yourself up over her irrational overreaction!

You over compensated in making sure that your children did not have the same childhood you had. In doing so, your daughter somehow thought she should be the queen in her attitude. This attitude should have been corrected a long time ago when she was 7 to 9 years old. By the age of 10, you are pretty much set on who you will be when you are older.

There is no reason not to have a Facebook account if you want one. You simply have to set the controls of who is in able to see what you are doing in the privacy settings.

Do let her be. Let her stew all she wants. Don't contact her. In fact, find a hobby, get a job or take a class -- anything that takes your minds off of your daughter and creates a separation of the two of you. You do seem too attached to your daughter and her activities. Yes, it is nice to see grandchildren but sometimes it is not possible for whatever reason. I get to see my grandson about three times a year as he lives in another nearby state and it takes about six hours each way to drive.

Stop clinging on what should have been and live in the here and now in the present. Do things with hubby and enjoy your life as an independent adult. Remember you were a woman, a wife and then a mother. Time to get back to the woman and wife. Consult a therapist or a counselor in how to let go and move on with no regrets.

Yes, my children are my life but my life is not my children. They are a part of my life but I am not attached at the hip with either one. I do not try to smother them and be deeply involved in their lives and they are 43 and 39. We have boundaries and respect.

the other S.

PS Life is too short for such foolishness.

This "story" is missing something. I can't seem to attempt offering any good advice without it. I do agree with your hubby though. I agree that you should leave her alone, giving her space and allow her time to miss you two.

leave her alone for a while, she will start to miss you and come back. you sound like you could benefit from owning a dog, one that will love you just because you feed them. they are always there for you, and love you unconditionally, greet you at the door, and kiss your tears away when you cry... my dog loves me and somedays its all i need to pick myself up off the floor, dry my tears and keep going.

Take your hubbie's advice and leave her alone. Time heals all wounds.