I Have Tried Everything I Know to Do

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I was going to say this may be a mild form of Aspergers. The thing is there is a very wide spectrum. This actually sounds exactly like my friends husband. Word for word this sounds like her describing him. And we had talked about maybe him having a very mild form of Aspergers too. He just doesn't have that filter and doesn't understand why people get upset by what he says. I think it would be worth looking into.

My son does have Aspergers and one of the things that helps him to understand and empathize with other people's feelings are social stories. Just make up a little story about a fictional character but have him do some of the things your son does. Then explain in the story how it makes others feel and what repercussions there might be for the main character (loss of friends, etc). Have your son help to figure out what the main character should say or do in these situations so he doesn't hurt others and also have him tell you what the character should do to make up for it when he accidentally says something he shouldn't.

We use these stories for all kinds of social situations that my son doesn't seem to understand. By discussing these things happening to someone else rather than telling my son that he did something wrong he doesn't get as defensive and can listen and actually help find the solution.

Good luck,
K.

One more thing.. Since your son is the youngest, he may feel a lot of competition in a family that is highly intelligent and successful. he is trying to prove to himself that he is just as knowledgeable and perfect.

Ha, we have a little friend (now in college) she is the same way. Incredibly bright (very high IQ), but just says whatever... She always acts shocked that others respond hurt, angry or drop her as a friend.

It is still a bit of a problem, she is in college, but it is getting a lot better. We think that since she is with people that do not know her very well, she is trying to be more awaer of what she says out loud.

She always has to be right. She will fight till the others just give up. She says "since it is the truth, there should not be a problem". Of course if anyone says anything to her like that, she can really freak out.. Is your son like that?

Our friend has some slight autistic tendencies and this is one of the outward signs.

Her mother, who is a teacher, said she used to be like this, till her best friend told her, she no longer wanted to be her friend because she always made the friend feel bad. This was her one true friend and it made a huge impact on her. She said she missed her friend and wanted to "learn how to be a good friend". So her mother, also a teacher had to actually teach her, what it meant to be a good friend. To be humble, to be a helper and to pull back on her bossiness.. You may want o look for books that you and your son can read.

I love the book "How Rude!, The teenager's guide to Good Manners, proper behavior, and not grossing People Out"
by Alex J. Packer, Ph.D

This book says it is for teens, but we have used the information with our child and neighbors since they were in elementary school. I still refer to it for information..

Was it the school that did the aspergers evaluation? I would suggest that you get your own privately if this is the case. You don't mention many of the issues related to aspergers, but this behavior is a halmark, and I would disagree with you that he understands this concept if he can look back on it and tell you what you want to hear, that only means that he is smart enough to tell you what you are going to tell him he did wrong, not that he really has any empathy at all for how people feel when he unloads the "truth" on them. It is a lack of impulse control, and it might be wise to consult a quailfied cognitive behavioral therapist.

He is only 7, and this is going to fix is Friends situation really quickly and you will soon have more than this one issue to worry about.

M.

I think I would first try to get him to see that what he sees as truth is really just his opinion. In a teachable moment maybe when you see something purple you could ask him what color is that? He will probably say purple. But whatever he says you could say, well actually that looks like grape to me, or whatever shade you want to call it. He will probably think that isn't true and you can tell him that sometimes what we consider "truth" is just our opinion. Just because he thinks someones hair doesn't look good, doesn't mean they agree. Truth is very different from opinion. Then I might use some kind of analogy about everyone having a love jar inside them or something. Throughout the day, as people show each other love and respect their jars fill up. But every time someone shares something hurtful, it empties their jars a little bit and that we want to be the kind of people who fill others up, not tear them down. I think also telling him that when he sees someone and thinks of something he wants to say, he needs to pause and ask himself will this make them feel good or bad, will this fill them up or tear them down. Good luck, training kids is hard but he may just end up being one of the most encouraging people as he grows up because he has to work on it so hard!!!

Whenever my daughter speaks "the truth" about someone, I try to encourage her to use different words...maybe descriptive words that are not as harsh. Like overweight instead of fat.....energetic instead of hyper or obnoxious....etc. She's still learning, but she gets it.

Teach him there are nicer ways to be constructive. You need to attack this from another angle so he can see the bigger picture.

For example, if he thinks a kids hair is ugly, he could say, 'Your hair would look really neat spiked up like this!"

Let him know also, that while it is important to be truthful, there are some issues that people can't help, like weight, scars, deformities, and those things no matter if it is true or not should not be spoken about. Ask him how he would feel if someone always got on to him for how short he was or how funny his teeth looked,or how weird his freckles are or whatever.

Perhaps letting him serve people will create more empathy in him, he can donate his own toys or clothes to a battered women's childrens center, visit elderly people in a nursing home and tell them stories, see what real suffering is in a soup kitchen.

Ask him everyday, to try instead of hurting people by pointing out the obvious that they already know, instead, try and do something nice and helpful for that person instead.

I agree with what another mom said, many of these things are his own opinions and let him know that we should keep our private thoughts to our self in these situations.

Tell him above all else you want him to be honest but some things are just hurtful and how would he feel if someone said he was.....whatever you want to use as an example. He needs to learn to empathize and think of how someone else feels. I don't know if you could get that across by visiting people less fortunate or in hospitals or something but he needs to understand that people have feelings even if what he says is right, true, etc. You just need to keep teaching that and demonstrate it over and over and hope he understands. Maybe discipline him for it by taking something away or whatever you do if he continues to do it until he realizes he just can't say it even if he thinks it.

There is a FABULOUS book..called (Social Skills Activities) by Darlene Mannix. This book goes thru every single scenerio.....
Nothing short than amazing -450 pages..
Everything with talking to your teacher, how to get along, etc...
google it on amazon!
Blessings!!

Adding This:
sometimes with people like that... it can be sort of "empowering" that "they" are right and others are "wrong." And it can be a justification for themselves, or to make them feel confident/better than others. But it also is a hurtful thing that they are doing to others... and a "control" thing too or to sort of make themselves feel okay... when inside, they may actually be very insecure. And, they actually do NOT know how to be a friend.
Teach your son about concepts... friendships, empathy.... does he have any pets? Or would he be mean to a pet too? Perhaps have him evaluated further.

Laurie A. hit on some real good points and observations.

I too have a sibling that was like that, (and have known people like that), and its real hard. But eventually, it will cause problems with friendships and others will shy away from him. And then HE will be hurt by it... but may not understand why.

You need to teach him that the "truth" is also subjective. Not objective and everyone has different feelings on what is the "truth." It is not finite.
So... he has to learn that. And also though, he does not seem to comprehend feelings... he may mentally know he hurt someone's feelings AFTER the fact.. but he does NOT comprehend "why." So there is a disjointed gap there. He does not make the connection. Thus, punishments will not work... because he does not get it. He can't empathize.

The thing is, his idea of what is "right" or the "truth" is also incorrect. Because it is his opinion. Does he know the difference between an "opinion" and the "truth?"

People like this are rigid in their ideas... and unwavering. It then puts the stress on other people... because then other people have to walk on eggshells around them. It can really ripple onto other facets of life and social life... as Laurie A. said in her story, with their friend's daughter and the mother.
I saw this in my own sibling... and yep, once people start NOT wanting to be their friend etc., it REALLY is a steep learning curve for them. Because they are used to always having to be "right" and imposing their ideas of what is "right" or the "truth" onto others. AND other's are not going to agree with them nor put up with it... then he will get ostracized. And it will look like he is arrogant and mean.

I think, your son has to recognize... that the "truth" is his "opinion"... as well. AND does he know what "teasing" is??? Him calling others "chubby" is also teasing.... and MOCKING. Your son need to know that difference and what it means.

all the best,
Susan

Have you tried being completely "truthful" to him about something so he can find out what it feels like? Maybe then he'll get it.

I'm glad you see that there are good and bad sides to his personality.

Meanwhile, know that to some extent, boys talk that way to each other. I listen to my teenage son and his friends swearing at each other and calling each other names all the time. It's how they show love for each other. (By the way, they are all great kids with no problems.)

I think if you keep modeling and reminding him over the years eventually he will get it.

This is a double edged sword because we tell our kids to always tell the truth, and then they do and we have to tell them to hold their tongue. The only thing I can think to do is to maybe instruct him that every time he says something that he doesn't like about someone, he has to tell them one thing he DOES like. Like "I hate your shoes, but I love that shirt!". Maybe it will sting a little less to the person to whom he is speaking.

It sounds like you have a very outspoken and intelligent son! Those qualities will serve him well later in life, but right now they sure do drive you crazy, don't they? Good luck to you both.

Hello S..
I feel so bad for you and your little guy. It sounds to me like maybe he just needs to learn to stop and think about what he wants to say for just a second before he says it. Maybe you could give him a marble or a token of some kind to keep in his pocket. When he has something to say about a person he should take the token out of his pocket, think about how the person he is talking to will feel about what he is about to say, and then move the token to the other pocket. This might help him stop and focus before he speaks, and moving the token to the other pocket will mean he has made a conscious choice about what he is going to say. Does that make sense?
Good luck!
Christi

I would tell him that while we should always tell the truth when we are asked a question, we don't need to always tell people something that we feel.

Thinking that someone's shoes are ugly is an opinion. Thinking that someone is chubby is an opinion. Everyone is allowed to have one. Sometimes that matches ours or its different.
Ex. A teenage boy and his mom walked into the dr. office. The teen had NEON green and orange shoes, walking like he owned the place. I thought they were tacky, but the kid and his mom were fine with them.

Sometimes the truth can go both ways, he needs to know this and it may take it going the other way for him to realize the truth....

Here are some tips and go to the following childcare blog link for more:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...

Contrary to popular belief, discipline and punishment are not equal. Discipline is positive and should prevent the need for punishment. In fact, the word “discipline” is derived from the Latin “disciplina” which means teaching or education. Discipline helps to guide children toward positive behavior, promotes self-control, encourages children to think before acting and is not damaging to their self-esteem. Punishment, on the other hand, is negative – whether physical, verbal, withholding rewards or penalizing.

Positive discipline teaches children rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and considerate way. It requires thought, planning and patience from parents and caretakers.

Have you tried to have him imagine himself in others shoes and how he would feel if people said things mean about him? Also some things are opinion, what one person likes someone else may hate (like certain vegetables etc.)

If it's an issue at school you could get the school counselor involved. That is what the counselor is there for, to help make sure all the kids are well adjusted.

My son also has some self control issues, especially with his mouth. So I feel your pain! IN my experience kids (and adults) with higher IQ's tend to have this issue with saying things before thinking. My sister is a genius and still has this issue. My son was also tested at a genius level, so I bet your son is very intelligent and logical. (My son's logic drives me nuts!)

I think you are just going to have to keep talking to him about it. If he says something really inappropriate and gets in trouble, you may need to enforce some sort of punishment.

Hang I there, he will figure out how to deal with his self control or lack there of.

I know this sounds extreme but have you thought of taking him to the doctor? Rarely it happens, but there are conditions that affect the brain and block the sensory part that allows him to sensor out rude things. If all the regular things like reason and discipline don't work I would ask his doctor about it just in case. If it is a rare sensory problem caught early could save alot of stress and trouble for both of you. Now if it is just behavioral, girl take this bull by the horns and get a hold of it otherwise natural consequenses will do it for you. Which, may not be a bad idea if you have talked til you are blue like you say. Sometimes that is the best consequence and it takes the pressure off of you being the bad guy. Tough love should be a last resort but it sounds like you may be there.

Has he been evaluated for Tourette Syndrome? http://www.tsa-usa.org/Medical/whatists.html http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPmpIY7XJVE