I've generally not used this forum to complain or get personal advice, mostly read other posts for tips, asked a random question or two.
BUT I JUST HAVE TO VENT!!!
Hubby and I both work, he mostly from home, me mostly from the office. My boss is very good about staying home with kiddo, and I can do a lot remotely, but it is a push to actually work, and I don't get unlimited days. When she's really sick it is actually easier, because she mostly just rests/sleeps.
So, DD was sick today, no fever but a funny, wheezy, croupy cough on and off all night and in the AM. Last night, he told me that he had something he could/should do in the city, but really didn't want to. He knew about DD being sick before we went to bed. I was up on and off with her. This AM I get up to find him getting ready to go in. OK. Not thrilled, but understand. He says (annoyed) so you don't want me to go in? Well, no, but again, I understand (remember, he mostly works from home, so we can split little kid care AND he didn't want to go in.) "I'll call and come home if necessary after my AM meeting."
After AM meeting - my boss offered to change our 1:1, so I can skip my normal day in the city. It should be done at 4 pm, I'll leave right after. At 4 pm - it got moved to 4 pm, but I'll be done by 5 and leave right after (you can see where this is going). At 5:30+ I call the office - guess who is there. Guess who won't get home until at least 8 pm, and probably later.
So, I get the day duty (with work) and the night duty. And he could sense that I was annoyed (ya think?), but his response - to get annoyed with me!
The problem - this is typical behavior. He's not bad (no drinking, gambling, etc, etc), and is a good dad when he's around. He's just INCREDIBLY self-centered, and expects me to pick up all random child-care slack. I wanted to be a SAHM for the first few years, but we "couldn't afford it." But somehow, my career comes second, while he "has to" do whatever they ask. (I was actually the one in management before I dropped down for "work-life" balance, and still do the more management-style job.)
Sometimes I feel like, if I'm going to be a single mom in practice, why not make myself one in reality?
Thanks everyone. Calmer, no longer considering divorce (for the moment). Some good stuff to process and maybe try.
Even though this "crisis" has passed, things are stressful right now, and every time I think I'm pushing to a better conclusion, something similar happens to make me annoyed again.
Frustrating, not because I stayed home with DD, which I would have done anyway. Too much of a mommy-bear to leave sick little one at home and go to work. It is the attitude, not just about work, but about everything, before and after DD. The "I just kind of do my own thing without thinking about anyone else." attitude. Didn't even ask how she was when he called. ARGH.
So when he got home, I basically semi-jokingly said "you owe me for today" and pushed him to do the nighttime prep for bed etc. He has a tendency to show up and fall asleep while I do the work, but he did manage to get her upstairs and into pajamas. Ah, well, I just keep calling him on the individual instances, but when they build up (as in- oh, and by the way, I'll be gone for New Years for 2 nights...) it just adds up.
Fortunately for those who are saying, "it is just the way it is." DD has friends whose dads seem much more 50-50 about responsibility. Not just "I'm babysitting so you can..." but full sense of responsibility. They are yonger than NSDH(not so darling hubby) and I, and I hope it is a sign that the coming generations will do better.
I was a single M. twice for about 10 days when hubby was hospitalized.
After about a week, I realized he was supportive in different ways. He kept her entertained when I showered for example. Also, I can not even imagine ever dating again. no man is worthy of my child;0)
Because you'll find that being a single mom in reality is much more difficult than being a single mom in practice.
I urge you and your husband, if he'll go, get counseling. Sounds like you've been holding on to some unhappiness for quite some time. It's time to clear the air and start over with better communication.
I also suggest you read Non-violent communication so that the two of you can hear each other when you talk. There is a web site and a book.
He works mostly from home, this isn't you being a single mom in practice. The grass isn't greener, don't be under that delusion. You would be in for a BIG shock.
If my daughter was sick, I preferred to be with her. Just a mom thing in my mind.
I think this is kind of "normal" in how men look at jobs. Not that it is right or I agree with it, but my dad always worked, and once my mom went to work it was even her that normally stayed home with us. I normally opt to stay home because I want to be with my kids when they are sick, but my hubby is pretty good about staying home when I need him to. What he's not good at is actually taking vacation. We go only an hour away from home, which is closer to his job, for weekend getaways. He always promises to take Friday off and never does. OH well - his loss. If your boss is understanding, you're lucky. But I'd definitely talk to him about it because it's not okay. And I would not divorce him over it for sure.
Sounds like you guys need to sit down each Sunday with your calenders and write down what each of you has to do next week. Do you love him? Is he worth fighting for? Let him read what you wrote above, and tell him what you would like. Would you like to stay home and then he needs to step up with funds, or do you want to keep working and he needs to schedule child care more carefully? Adding divorce and hassles to an already difficult life will not make it easier in the long run, and how will it make your daughter feel? Also, maybe you should have said: "yes I do not want you to go in, you need to take care of OUR daughter since I am about to keel over from staying up at night and will be sick soon if I do not get some rest", or something like that. He cannot read your mind, you need to tell him what you want. Perhaps schedule your child care more carefully, i.e. Mon-Wed-Fri I get to sleep while you get up with her, and Tue-Thurs-Sun you get to sleep and I will get up with her and Saturday we all sleep in the big bed together. Also, make sure you have some commitments when he has to be home - I had a friend who would go back out to her car and sit in the driveway if she came home on her night out and the kids were still up. Good luck.
PS: I always try to imagine what I would feel like if he died in a car wreck. I think I would actually miss finding his underwear in front of the shower where he stepped out of it, there are so many wonderful things he does for me and for our family, the fact that he leaves dirty dishes in the sink and cannot organize the garage and is anal about scratches on my car become loving quirks instead of annoyances.
I think this is VERY common. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I believe that men, in general, are more selfish & self-centered than
women.
I think if you could discuss "with" him the next time you have this type of
issue come up and how you need him to stay w/your child since you did
this time, might have a better income. Men seem to take offense to any
type of discusion & "come out of their corners blazing". It doesn't sound
like bringing up now will likely change anything. Especially if this has
happened before. My husband has promised to change many things
but often I find we are right back where we started in a few months. I
see him making A LOT of the same mistakes w/me that he did with his
first wife (he told me what she said the issues were).
I think it's very difficult for ANYONE to change, let alone men.
My hope for you is that you both can work "through this" issue & not divorce.
One thing I will say is that being divorced is awful unless you really need
to be. It's sad to be away from your child half the time. I went through
a lot this past year, we separated and almost divorced. Being w/o my
child was the worst thing ever. I worried about him constantly. No
offense to most men but a lot of them don't "watch over" their kids as well
as moms do.
Wishing you all the best!
You're not alone. I make 3-4x what my husband does and he wouldn't have to work if he didn't want to. I'd like one of us home but given my job is more stable and makes more, I'm not quitting yet. So he works bc he's "driven" but that means my job always takes a back seat. Again - I make 3-4x what he does and do 90% of stuff to do with the kids. It's so backwards it's absurd. But I've learned to accept it bc it's his male ego vs anything evil. And sometimes he really has to do something for work or he'd be fired which is drastic. As well, this isn't a "forever" problem. Someday the kids will be older and not need someone home all the time when sick etc. Finally, now I just insist on him staying home or covering if I know he doesn't have something crucial. I try not to get mad or make it a big deal. Just say "I need you to be the one home today or go to xyz." And that's that. Typically it's at a logical time. ie: I have a meeting or I've covered the past 3 times and it's hard to argue with logic.
Talk to him before its too late. Let it all out so that there's no build up of resentment. Cause once resentment festers, it's hard to recover from it. Do it for your children . . . they need a mommy & daddy.
Perhaps just more clear communication is needed. You may need to tell him specifically, "If she's too sick to go to childcare tomorrow, I need you to stay at home, can you do that?" Also, be sure that you are not assuming that because he works from home, that he can spend the day basically not working because he is caring for a sick (or well) child. It is still his workday, like yours. When we had little ones and both worked outside the home, if one was sick, hubby and I would have the discussion of "What's on your desk? Do you have meetings today?" etc and determine who was really more available to do sick kid care instead of working. Good luck!
That is the way it is and that is the way it has always been. You are not
alone. Sorry to say.
i love my husband to bits. but i have lupus and it drains the life out of me. but who takes care of both kids, morning to night? me. the chronically sick one. on one hand, there's nothing like me having control and doing everything right. but i also need his help badly. there is something i have realized being with him for 15 years. he is a lazy human being. yes, it has gotten incrementally better over the years but this is part of him and MIL sure didn't help either! he works hard at work (that of which i question lately - insert daydream of him checking his fantasy football team for 6 hours in his office) and it justifiably makes him tired when he reaches home. and the self-centeredness makes him forget that we get tired too. it's a shame.
so yes, i sound like an angry wacko everyday ranting about the mess in the house made by 2 kids and a hubby. he has moment of glory (washing the dishes, taking the kids to the diner so i can have a couple of hours alone). but they are few and far apart. do you have these? i hope so, because that is all we are going to get.
good luck!
