I Need Help Dealing with My "X"

Well...I'm not divorced, I don't have to worry about custody, visitations, violations of court orders or much of what you described here, BUT I'm a child of all this nonsense.

I use the word nonsense, cause when you think about it...does it really matter if you meet at another location or if he has the kids for a couple of extra days? What's more harmful to the mental well being of your children; you and your ex getting along (even if it's not the exact court order) or bickering over insignificant battles.

Someone thought it would be better to take away his decision making when it comes to his children (could you imagine how that would feel??) instead of allowing him to be apart of the outcome of his kids lives. I'm sure he feels like he needs to control in any way possible (maybe not to get back at you) so that at a minimum he's not stripped of a part of parenthood.

My parents divorced when I was 6 almost 7. It was a 3 year divorce process as my parents fought the ENTIRE time over who was going to have custody and what control was allowed by each parent. The rest of time growing up my parents CONSTANTLY took each other back into court over the stupidest things just to "enforce" the court orders. My dad had custody so if my mom showed up late for a pick up he wouldn't let us go, if Mom spent too much money on her things Dad would take her into court looking for more child support. They had to sit on opposite sides of the audience for school functions cause they bickered so much over nonsense. They behaved selfishly not thinking of how their bickering was affecting their children.

Sorry for my harshness but stop worring about nonsense, go forward with your life and just get along. Even if it means going against court orders sometimes, being the bigger person here, and just compromise. Put the welfare of your children first!

Okay, I am a 911 dispatcher, and have heard this story time and again... I'm not giving you anything official as it's different by cities etc, but... make him follow the court order. If the court order says you need to meet at the school, and he does not show up there... call the police, that is a violation. The more you give in, the more you are starting a presidence that he may someday use against you. The court order is there to protect you, use it for that purpose... I would think being arrested once or twice for violation would help him realize that he should follow it... otherwise, he will have to take you back to court to have it changed... which more than likely won't happen due to his history... document everything and call if he violates...

Try contacting a mediator before going back to court. I know the judges HATE having to tell people how to deal with their lives, and they may make decisions that neither of you will be happy with.

You cannot deny him from seeing the kids, even if he violates his order. That would just get you in big trouble!

I've been divorced for going on 6 years and we don't always follow the court order. We have 50/50 custody but we compromise A LOT with each other. As hard as it is, try to stay on the friendliest terms possible with him because you never know when you might need something from him.

Just last week, I needed to ask my ex if he'd drive me to the auto repair shop to pick up my car. If I didn't have a decent relationship with him, that would have never happened!

Also, your ex's new wife can be your ally! Afterall, she is a woman and women tend to take the same stances on things. If you can bend a little to compromise for him and get on friendly terms with her, she may be there to support you when you least expect it!

I am speaking from experience! My ex and his current fiancee had an affair while we were married. Initially, I completely hated her, but now, we are on friendly terms and she has backed me up on more than one occasion!

It's all in the name of raising healthy, happy children together, and while I sometimes have to remind myself that to avoid a fight, it's well worth it!

Whoa...is he a harm to your kids? Are you afraid for their safety when they are with him? If not, it does sound a little nit-picky on your part. Imagine how you would feel if you had NO say in your kids lives. Maybe if you try to start including him in a few things, he will come around a little more? Just saying.....

I agree with Amber A. Read her post like 10 times.

I know my advice will seem contrary to that you have already gotten, but think of it as adjunct to your legal options. I do think it appropriate to call authorities when spouse is not at the agreed meeting place at the agreed time, but here is the but...

What I hear going on here is a classic power struggle. For what ever reason, your ex is unable to let it go and has to feel as if he has some control over a situation where the court has clearly stated he is NOT in control. In martial arts (much like in marital arts LOL) you are taught to use your opponents energy back at them. Decide what things are worth the struggle and let some of the smaller things go. If ex's goal is to mess with you, this thwarts it. Secondly, maintain your cool. As one other writer suggests - do what is best for your kids. He cannot use your frustration against you if you are calm.

So yeah, if he doesn't take your son to school, call the cops, he is in violation of the order. But stay strong and flexible in your heart and mind and he will not be able to "get your goat". GOOD LUCK and please let us know what happens!

If the court order says during school you are to meet at the school then this is VERY simple. You text him and tell him you will be at the school at whatever time. Take a copy of the court order showing you have sole custody and that during school you meet at the school. If he is not at the school then call the cops. They will show up and call him on his cell phone and he will have to high tail it over there or will be arrested. This will work for everything. Good luck!

How EXhuasting.... sheesh.
Can't you guys at least just let each other know WHEN and WHERE the drop off is going to be whether it's late, a different day or whatever? It's disgusting that you go and wait and no one shows up! If there are no consequences in NOT following the order why are YOU following it?
THis is so childish it's hard for me to wrap my mind around, especially since both of you are now remarried. I cant imagine what the kids are feeling and going through .... what a pain in the you know what.
It's seeming to be all about CONTROL and nothing to do with what is best for the children and the kids definitely see that their parents whom they love have absolutely no respect for each other. Not a good lesson in respect for your children.
I wish I could tell you how to fix it.
The answer is simple. You both just need to do the right thing for your kids, why can't you guys do that? It just makes no sense when grown ups act like this.
Sorry, I'm exasperated. It's such a waste of money to pay attorneys your childrens money.

My sister was in the same shoes as you. Calling the cops, probably will not do anything. They try to stay out of visitation problems unless the kids are in danger. First off, I would keep record of how often your kids do not go to school on his time. You may need to take him back to court and get his visitation changed to every other weekend if he can not be a responsible parent. You also need to stay firm about staying with the order. I know it is hard, because he is basically telling you to do what he says or you are not getting your kids back. My sister would always do the same thing as you because she would want them home. Finally, she told him no. That since he refused to meet her like he was suppose to, then he could either return them to her home or drop them off at school the next day. Once he realized that he was going to be stuck with the kids, he returned them and stopped playing those games. Good luck.

hello J., i'm sorry you're having to put up w/this kind of behavior - and i totally feel ya' about just wanting to get on w/your life. (i'm in the same boat in a lot of ways).
i live in TX, so maybe it's different, but the judge did everything but tell me off in the courtroom when i said i was just following the orders. my situation was regarding him p/u fr daycare vs. p/u fr my house...she said the orders are guidelines. she said she was so tired of parents not getting along and putting the baby in the middle of it (mine's only 21 ms). i still don't think i did anything wrong at court. it was embarassing & i was pissed also, but it is what it is. :(
I just wanted to put those two cents in b/c the orders you & I think of as actual ORDERS, are merely just guidelines according to the courts (my situation anyway). the judge/court got SO PISSED at us b/c we couldn't work this out on our own. the whole situation just sucks. i really do know how you feel girl, but unfortunately, i have to bend on things like this all the time..maybe not the best thing to do but it's all i think i can do b/c i don't want more fights...b/c more fights mean upset/anxious angry momma, and i hate feeling/being that way around my little boy....lots of hugs going out to you sweetie...hang in there, okay?
becky :)

I totally agree with Alisha. Call the police if he doesn't show up as expected, where expected. Don't worry about how your kids will react. You are obeying the law, he is not. The same goes for getting support money out of an ex. Don't waste your breath, call the authorities. This is a power thing. Look at it as if he were a child having a tantrum and demanding his way. (Actually, he is.) How would you respond? By refusing to be dragged into an argument, remaining calm, and continuing to follow the established rules. This is what we call "taking the high road". Nothing works better. He is who he is, the kids will see that for themselves as they get older. They will also remember how you handled the situation. Good luck, and remember, you dumped the jerk--- don't let him continue to honk you off---that's the best revenge!

You need to speak to your attorney on this matter and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Possibly ask about some sort of financial penalty b/c I don't think it would be in the best interest of your child to cut off visitaion completely but I do think that your child should go to school no matter what and if he is too sick for school then he must go to the Dr and your Ex should pay for that appointment. I think that should be put into the agreement. Also clear up as many of these grey areas as you can in writting then follow the agreement completely if there are any changes then both of you should sign and date a sheet of paper stating that you both agree to this change and keep a copy for both of you so you CYA

Someone else said it but document everything. The change of pick up location is something you can discuss and do what is best for everyone. However, him not returning the children to you when he is supposed to is another matter. Call the police, he is in violation of the custody order. He can not keep your children another night just because he feels like it and not let you know. That is completely wrong and irresponsible of him. Again, Document Everything, Time, Place, Date, offense and be sure to do it as soon as possible because you will forget details if you wait a day or two to write things down. That was the best advice our attorney gave us when we were battling this craziness. Our son is going to be 20 this month so don't have to deal with it anymore. Good Luck!