I Need Help with Two Fighting Children

D.,
I had three boys and two of them were very close in age also and the fighting was crazy between the two of them. What worked for us was they had to hugwhen they fought and then when they said mean things to each other they had to kiss each other on the lips and say I'm sorry I love you. they hated it and after a few times just the thought of having to hug or kiss when I reminded them that was enough to bring things under control again for a little bit. Sometimes we had quite the show with them throwing a fit about having to hug and it was hilarious so I think with us laughing that made it even worse for them. Good luck

So I know this sounds ridiculous, really it is, but the absurdity of it makes it work. I make my kids sing happy songs to each other. Like twinkle twinkle, or itsy bitsy spider. Anything uplifting. At first they are rolling their eyes and mumbling their songs, but I make them start over until they have eye contact and are singing loud. They can't stay mad long, and end up laughing and getting along.

I love the suggestions given thus far. A couple more great books are "Help! The Kids are at It Again!" and "Loving Without Spoiling." My third choice is "Creative Corrections," which has good ideas with a biblical approach. While it may seem daunting to have to read for the answer, most of these books are topical by nature so you can flip to the section that is the current "issue" for quick help, then get down to reading. Good luck!

check out the book 5 love languages for children. it could be fun to do reading of some of it as a family--to learn each others love languages and to work on making sure your kids feel like they are getting the love you are giving. I grew up in a family of 13 kids, my brother just older than me is 11 months older and my sister just younger than me is 1year 11 months younger than me. and we fought and fought...a lot of it in retrospect was the fact that there just wasn't enough attention to go around. and also since I have read the books by gary chapman I now know that my love language and my mom's are polar opposites. (I'm gifts as primary then quality time, she is service.) we have a hard time matching up, and I have to work harder at that relationship even today--but we get a long much better since I figured out we just weren't communicating the same love language. Kids fight. and I am sure that dealing with your cancer as a family has been hard on all of you. I really think that the five love languages could be an extremely useful tool for you and your family. kids can change as time goes on with what their languages are...my 3 year old is definitely quality time. if I spend time with her she feels loved. my husband is service--(interesting and ironic) and then quality time. so that part works well for us. it took us a little while after being married to realize that I don't see him vacuuming the floor as saying I love you, it's just something you do. I now know he is saying I love you and I make sure I let him know how much I do see that and appreciate it. and I also see how he feels loved when I just do things I feel are routine around the house. he also works hard to pick out gifts for me when he is traveling, or to put thought into birthday presents etc. and little notes which I consider gifts, it isn't about money so much as the thought that goes into it. which falls into quality time as well. my brother older than me is service, my sister younger than me is also service oriented. I think one of the reasons we fought was that we didn't know each others love languages, and they both spoke my mom's primary language so they received and gave love and understood it as that. I was constantly being reprimanded for not working hard enough on my chores, or being compared to my siblings who sandwiched me. it was hard, I resented it a lot. I now know that much of that was that their primary love languages were the same as my mom's so they related with her so much better than I did. and with each other. My dad is quality time and gifts. I was a daddy's girl. my brother and sister didn't like how I was closer to him. I think part of it becomes the dynamics of how a family functions but really knowing our love languages helps us to relate to each other so much more.
anyway--on a side note besides the fact we fought all growing up, I am extremely close with all my siblings now and we would all do anything for each other. we take care of each other and they are my best friends. I don't think my parents could have forseen in all the fighting how close we would all be. family is most important in my life. first my husband and daughter and then my siblings and parents, aunts uncles cousins, etc.
My dad's family has 16 kids, a blended family, and we have reunions every 2 years with everyone. they fight and get over it and take care of each other, I think having that kind of example and heritage encourages me to find ways to be a better person and to prioritize my family.
the books also work well for me with my in-laws. my MIL is also gifts, so that has worked out really well. my FIL is words of affirmation, so tell him you love him, how great he is and he is loved and happy. it is nice to understand how people feel loved so that we can make sure the message we are sending is the one they are receiving.
hope that helps. sorry it was so long, I tend to do that late at night. lol.

I really recommend the book "Siblings Without Rivalry." The same authors also wrote the brilliant and so helpful book "How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk," and that would also be useful to you so you do not tear your hair out. "Siblings Without Rivalry" addresses a lot of the issues you are dealing with, and "How to Talk" does touch on how to diffuse fighting in your home and keep it from escalating. As an only child, "Siblings without Rivalry" helped me understand how to parent multiple children better, and "How to Talk" has decreased the drama in our house a lot. You could find them cheap online--they are in paperback-- or at the library. Seriously, they could save your mental health this summer! Best wishes!

P.S. I also like your previous suggestions--"The Five Love Languages for Children" is another an excellent and helpful read.

It seems to me that the main problem that your family is having is a lack of respect. Your children are not showing respect for each other or for you. Being respectful includes showing consideration for others thoughts and feelings, and esteeming one another as good people who are worthy of being respected and treated well. The best way to teach respect for others is to model it yourself, but you also need to enforce respectful BEHAVIOR even before your children learn to truely feel respectful of you and of each other. YOu need to devise effective consequences for disrespectful behavior and STICK WITH IT even if it is hard. Good luck!

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Mia's suggestion is great. Be sure to pull on that belief in God, too. Sit them down and talk to them about the fact that God sent them to be brother and sister and sometimes family is all you have. Offer rewards for treating each other well, or perhaps require/recommend that they do acts of service for each other: 10 acts of service equals 1 bowl of ice cream, or whatever. My mom used to make us sit knee to knee and each say nice things about the other person. Ack, I still would hate that, but it works. ;o)

D., I like to have my fighting children do an act of service together. Rather than commenting on the conflict, I instruct them in a calm voice to please go do such-and-such (empty the laundry hampers, pick up a messy room, etc.). If they argue with me about doing the job, I simply say, "When you're done with the laundry I'd like you to empty the dishwasher." and so on until they decide to do the jobs rather than add more. This stops the immediate conflict and has cut down on fighting in general in our home because it doesn't take them long to figure out that fighting = chores. The most important parts of this are 1. don't act angry or as if you are punishing them, 2. don't engage in an argument, simply add more jobs, and 3. don't address the original conflict (because at least in my family the original conflict is rarely about anything important enough to waste time and energy on). Good luck!