Hi !! please i don't want no one to feel offended my English is not perfect and if you understand something that is out of contest please forgive me because i really don't meant to say it. Thank you
i have a cousin (son of the sister of my mother) who is 14 years old. We are a Cuban (Caucasians-Hispanics) family, my aunt got marry (again) back in Cuba with a Cuban-African man like 16 years ago, he is my uncle because since i was a girl i seem them together the got a baby boy (who is now 14 years old) and everything was good but we stop seeing each other for since he turn 9 years because we came to USA. 2 years ago they came too, and i notice that my cousin was a little apart from us i didn't understand why because we ware so close when he was younger i though (till now) that was the distance but 3 months ago he seems depressed and fighting everyone in his both sides of the family...i had a talk with him and he told me that he doesn't feel like he were part of my family because of his color that he is not white neither black (he's a dark but not like his father) and his "friends" are always making fun of him. That he's tired and he want to be alone and don't want anyone in my (white) family to talk to him in front of his friends. I feel so sad because the thing that he told me, he even say that don't want his mother (my aunt) because she's white. That we dont love him because of his (black) father and that he want to run away to be alone. We love him and his father no matter their skin they are our family, i feel so sad and angry at the same time because i don't know why he's becoming so racist.
i don't know what to do to let him know that he's no acting right that the skin color is not a trouble for us, that if his mother choose his father was because they love each other not to ruin his life.
this is turning our family apart my grandmother almost die when he told her the same things he told me.
Anyone know how to deal with this??
any bad experience with mix races kids???
thanks
He may just have a problem with depression, does he have anyone he can talk to? If not he needs a good councilor.
Is it possible that he is having trouble adjusting to moving to the USA? I'm a white american and my mom married a black man when I was 18 months old. I grew up in a bi-racial family and I didn't have any trouble and neither did my sisters who are half white and half black. Maybe you can just keep talking to him about things and keep reassuring him that it's okay. Kids will make fun of kids for just about everything. If it's not for one thing, it will be for another. Just keep encouraging him and loving him. You're a wonderful cousin to care about him.
Race is an issue still...even with a bi-racial president. My daughter is bi-racial too, but she is only 5. Doesnt seem to bother her at all and she goes to a school with a mixed population. But him learning all that is from friends and home life. Its tough and its going to take a lot of love to change him. Some quite talks and just planing the seeds of love through actions. Skin color is the dumbest thing to not like someone over. Who controls color? God and only God....no one else. Even with black kids, who have two black parents, they come out lighter or darker...who knows! And its not like we are in the womb and we can press a button for what we look like. Of course we can dye our hair, get colored contacts or whatever to change. but skin color we can not. And no one should have to either! He needs some TLC and to grow up too. But he needs to know he is perfect just the way he is. And what kind of friends does he keep if they are making fun of him? Doesnt sound like friends to me. Once he finds the confidence for him...he will be ok. But I am sure race isnt the only issue in his life where he lacks confidence. Maybe once he gets through his awkward teenage yrs he will be able to accept it. But, I wouldnt want to talk to him and reach out to him. I wouldnt go to him and be like "oh yeah lets hang out and talk because your are darker than everyone else in the family". Just hang with him and take the extra time, even if he says no. He will have to warm up and take your hand. Now...if he chooses never to hang out and take the hand or anything...sadly people do make their own choices in the end. Lets hope he eventually sees good intentions with you and can find shelter when his "friends" are making fun.
In life, you are never going to please everyone. Someone will find something not to like about you....hair style, clothes, shoes, car you drive, job you have....its all judgements/assumptions.....and its hard to be confident enough to be yourself. And when someone feels those bad feelings are coming from family...who else do they have left?
S. - I dated a man for almost 4 years who was from Cuba. He and his family came here when he was in his late 20's. I was very much in love with him!
He and I would talk about race quite a bit. I am white...as white as the driven snow and his is very dark. He said that while growing up in Cuba he was often made fun of for how dark he was. His FAMILY and friends called him, "el negro" whenever they talked to him or about him. He kinda shrugged it off and didn't "seem" to mind...but I could tell that it bothered him. He said that in Cuba it was a very racist country, which to me was a real eye opener. I guess I stupidly assumed everyone in Cuba was dark skinned, but they are not. They also have every color of the rainbow there. His mother was quite light-skinned and his dad was certainly not as dark as him, people would jokingly say "que fue el lechero" (it was the milkman) when talking about his father since he was so much darker than the rest of his family.
Here's my thoughts on this. First of all, he is in a new country where a LOT of people are white, not nearly as many white folks in Cuba....so it is a little more obvious to him his skin color. Although you are in Miami, little Cuba, I think he is just more aware of himself. I think it should just be brought up how beautiful his skin color is. Heck, we have a black president!
14 years old is a hard age, he is constantly trying to fit in...It must be very hard for him to feel like he doesn't even fit in with his friends and family.(frineds cuz they make fun, family because they are lighter than him)
Teach him to have a voice. When someone says something to him that he doesn't like, to have the guts to say, "hey, don't call me that. Don't say that. Don't give me a hard time." And then if it doesn't stop that it is okay for him NOT to be friends with those people. As he gets older he will understand that his color is really not that big of a deal, and in fact a lot of women love men that are darker than them, myself included. (side note: I love to hold my husband's hand and look at how dark and beautiful his is and how pasty white mine is. I think it's art!)
Good Luck, Buena suerte!!
L.
L.
He is a teenager, which is very hard. I bet he isn't racist, but he is tired of feeling different and being made fun of at school. No teen wants to be different. Even though they say they want to be different, in reality all they want is to blend in with everyone else. Hopefully maturity will help but it will take a few years. In the meantime find as many situations you can where he will have a chance to feel he can fit in. Find out what interests him and do your best to get him involved. Whether it is music, sports, reading, WHATEVER. Find things away from school.
I try not to judge, especially when people are asking for advice, not judgement on this site. But I have to say, some of the comments are ignorant and mean in regards to mixed race children. They are certainly not helpful or encouraging or in the spirit of this site. You're advocating what? Pure Blood Procreation Only? I don't think you have any right at all to pass judgement on something you clearly don't understand. To say it is selfish to have children of a mixed race is like saying it is selfish for really short people to get married and have children. There are challenges and blessings that we all possess and therefore pass to our children to deal with. Such as poverty or a family history of illness. Should you not have children if there is a history of breast cancer in your family? That goes beyond distasteful to even suggest. When my husband and I discussed having children, we did talk briefly about the racism they would encounter and how we would help them deal with it. We also talked about whether they would get his fathers athleticism or my winning smile. Would our son be tall as the men on his fathers side, should we name him after a favorite relative? All the same things that go through any expectant parents minds. My husband, as a black man, has encountered racism all his life. Do you think he would rather his parents have been less selfish and not bring him into the world? How do you think I would feel about that? Not to know this wonderful, kind, loving man, because his parents thought being black would be too hard on him. Adversity is everywhere and unavoidable. It's ridiculous to think 2 adults in love should avoid having a child together because that child might face adversity. ANd it's sad that you would spew that kind of small minded hate when we are hear in a spirit of sisterhood together.
www.mixedfolks.com - you can show him famous mixed race people that he may identify with - examples of really cool mixed folks - Bob Marley, Halle Berry, Sammy Sosoa, Tiger Woods, ALicia Keys, Jessica ALba, Rosario Dawson. The list is long and encouraging to teenagers.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_of_Cuba - Explains how the music of Cuba was influenced by Freed African slaves mixing with the Native Indain poulation, Spaniards, and French. Cuba has a long rich history of races mixing to create a unique, colorful heritage.
http://www.intermix.org.uk/books/Books_teen.asp - Books to help teens deal with being mixed.
I understand that this is a terribly hard transition for him and that America may not be as tolerant as Cuba when it comes to mixing. But it's really sad that he is rejecting the women in his family. I can't believe he would be so disrespectfull to his mother. You can embrace your race without rejecting your mother. It sounds like you and the rest of the family are open and loving people. He may have deeper issues than just race. It sounds like gender issues as well. Maybe you could have him talk to his priest or pastor. What guidance has dad given him on the subject? Does he have strong male role models that can tell him to show a little more respect for the woman that gave him life?
Sadly this child is going through some tough times and it seems like it all hit him at the same time. He's a teenager, hard in itself, with all the hormonal changes. And he is hit with the fact that he is different, even in his own family environment. The skin color might not be trouble between family, but he will have to face it out there. I say don't treat him differently. Ask him to do the same chores his other cousins have. Share sports, church attendance (if you attend one), and try finding the family member who most common interests he has with. He needs to build his self esteem. If he is good at school, sports, electronic games, whatever, praise him on it. Make him proud of himself, his family, his color. Good luck
This always seems to be a problem with mixed marraiges. People have children and don't consider what the child will go through and how hard it will be on the child. If he doesn't want you in his life then leave him alone. He needs to get professional help with these issues. I have seen this so many times over and over again. It is a sad situation but for you to pressure him will just make matters worse. I feel sorry for him. His mother and father were thinking of nothing but themselves....The best thing you can do is to tell him you respect his wishes and ask him to go and talk to someone who can help him deal with this...
I think at 14, it's all about fitting in and putting a label on things. Perhaps he is just trying to find his identity and place in the world. Is he having nothing to do with his own (white) mother? That's sad. What does his father tell him? Can he talk to him?
HI, I agree with the other mothers that coming to a new country, and being a teenager is very hard. It's hard for children in the US to move to different areas. As for the race issues, I know what he's going through. My sister is (white), Her husband is (black), their adopted children (in order from oldest to youngest). Yacina (latina), Quincy (Mixed black/white), 4 black girls age range from 10 to 3 (she just got them sisters) and Trey who is also mixed (black/white). People always give her family crazy looks when they are all out together. :) You must try to spend time with him, and explain that it doesn't matter what color is skin is. To not let his "friends" insults hurt him. Are his " friends" joking lightly or being really mean? If they are just mean flat out mean, then they aren't friends. Try enrolling him in a soccer program, or sport with other kids. That way he'll meet new kids his age, and they wont be worried about the color of his skin. If you can get him involved with something with other kids, it should help resolve some of the issues. Kids that have nothing to do, tend to be mean, hateful and degrading to other kids. I would constantly reassure him that he is loved and wanted. That he could be purple, and everyone would still love him. Hope this helped some!
S.,
I can't really speak on the racial thing. But the racial issue may not be the full picture.
Keep in mind 2 things. He is new to this country- which is a culture shock in it self. But he is also a teenager. They are full on turmoil with all of the biological & social changes going on.
What you can do is speak to him & explain how you feel. You love him no matter what, he is still family. Also talk to his parents. They may want to speak to him.
Counseling may be of help too. IF you are in the Cuban part of Miami, I am sure there are counseling services. Maybe even a support group for mixed raced kids that may help.
Get a book on president Obama -- how he made his life. The boy needs to see a psychologist in the school and may be they can help him with the self-esteem. I am from another country/culture and mix family also .. and my kids look different too .. but if it is bothering him so much, he needs to channel it properly and understand that his looks are not as important and the kids who are teasing him, they are not even worth his time, so stop hanging around them. Change his perspective on life and show these kids that he is smart and capable. I feel sad for you and your cousin .. and he needs an adult, professional help to build his self-esteem.
My white friend married a dark Indian guy from Gueyana (??) and their kids are from white to dark brown -- not teenagers yet .. but it does not seem a problem -- when the kids go anywhere with me, they look like my kids more than my friend's .. and it does not bother anyone. One of my child is very white compared to others .. we just joke if that comes up that it takes all colors to make a garden beautiful. Please help him find a councellor at school who can show him his good points and take away his mind from the color.
