In Need of Opinions. Cheating So's

I've not been in a situation of cheating or knowing someone who cheated.

So I speak strictly from personal opinion.

You don't know what you don't know... Therefore it's not my business to stick my nose in someone else's business. Who knows if the couple has an open relationship? The couple have some agreement between them?

I would stay out of anyone's business and mind my own business.

My first husband cheated on me. I knew it but was in denial for a long time, and had anyone tried to tell me, I would have most likely shot the messenger.

this is a "hot" topic.

My ex-husband cheated on me. My friends were afraid to tell me, because they didn't want to hurt me. I walked in on them. Yeah..that was fun (not).

IF the conversation comes up? i would tell what I know...and ONLY IF I had proof....IF you saw him or her with another person and it's wasn't "just friends" they were walking out of a hotel room partially dressed, kissing and it wasn't a peck on the cheek, you state what you saw.

I know one of my friends went to my ex and his girlfriend and told both of them to either end it or fess up...they both laughed...funny...being in the military?? She lost her rank and sergeant of the quarter because they thought they could be "friends" in plain sight...but people caught on. I knew something wasn't right but couldn't place it.

So yes, if you KNOW my spouse or SO is cheating? Yes. I would want to know.

I would not say for the reasons you gave. I would not think he was cheating unless they were obviously lovey dovey. I have frequently shared a meal or go for a walk with a married man. I have also gone to an event with a married man with his wife's knowledge.

Whatever is happening, it really isn't my business. It's between the husband and wife. If he's cheating, the wife will eventually know and may or may not acknowledge it to friends.

I can tell you that at this point in my life, there are SEVERAL of my girlfriends that are having, or have had affairs.
All of them are different, and none of them know each other. So this isn't like a thing "my friends all do".

I have learned not to judge.
You never, ever, ever, know what's happening inside someone else's marriage.
For all you know, that's an agreement that she and her spouse have and are OK with.
My rule of thumb is shut your mouth and keep the judgement out of it.

Circumstances vary. A very good friend, and no doubt about what I know, I think my conscience would eat me alive to watch her get hurt and say nothing.

An acquaintance, a situation that leaves room for imagination, of course not. Why set off a bomb in a marriage without knowing the real circumstances? I think ethics fall on the side of minding your own business in that case.

I generally think that it's wise to stay out of it, and also to allow for the fact that, somehow, deep down, you'd think that the SO would at least have a sense that something is "off" and that the partner may be cheating. There are usually so many signs - unexplained absences, expenses, changes in the bedroom, you name it.

However, in the age of sexually transmitted infections, I think the person being cheated on is at great risk of physical as well as emotional impact.

The risk is, if you say something, and you're wrong. That ends the friendship and makes you a gossip and a meddler. I think there's no really easy way out of this.

I have one friend (A) who was informed by someone else (person B) that A's husband was spending an awful lot of time with another woman at the gym, the coffee shop, etc. Person A felt very empowered by this and confronted her husband. Another friend of mine went through her husband's cell phone (the records all came to her anyway - he was still on her plan) and found a huge number of calls to another woman. The husband was, obviously, pretty stupid to not cover his tracks - unless he wanted her to know and to hurt her.

I've had other friends who really didn't want to know, but it made it so uncomfortable for others to be around the cheater and the cheat-ee. I'm interested to read all the other responses.

Me, I would want to know. I'd feel like an idiot if others knew and I didn't.

If I had solid proof and knew for sure of what was happening, I would tell. When my husband cheated it seemed like everyone knew, everyone but me, and I felt like the biggest fool. It hurt me that people I thought of as true friends did not see fit to tell me and let me go on living a lie.

That is for people I know though, I would not involve myself in the lives of strangers or people I just kind of know. When I found out my BFF was the other woman I encouraged her to call the wife and come clean about their relationship.

I'd want to know so I could protect myself from STD's and the shame and humiliation. I'd want to know so I could start saving money for huge changes.

Chances are if he's/she's cheating now then they've done it before. But there's always going to be that "one" that they fall for, completely, and they'll move out in the middle of the night when the other one is asleep thinking life is good.

I say tell them when you know for sure.

The friendship will be damaged and they may be so humiliated they never speak to you again. They may also cling to you and make you their entire world of support. Both are hard.

I was introduced to my best friends fiance, while he was out with another girl. I shook his hand and said nice to meet you, although, I knew him quite well.

I chose not to tell her. The reason was because she had already been told he was cheating on her and he convinced her that everyone else out there was jealous of their relationship and trying to break them up.

On another note, my mother saw my cousins husband at breakfast with his girlfriend. They were cuddled up on the bench waiting to be seated. She called me and told me and I immediately called my cousin and told her. She said she knew, asked a few questions and said she didn't want anyone to know. It was the start to a huge problem for me because my cousin made me her target after that. I was somehow drawn into this ridiculous texting battle, where she would confide in me and then say strange mean things to me. Then I got texts from her coworker who said my cousin sent the texts from her phone. It was really stupid and childish. I couldn't handle it, so I backed out and now we hardly speak...they are back together and all is forgiven.

I would like to know if my husband were running around with another girl, but perhaps that is just me.

I wish someone had told me. I was the last person of the two then-married couples to find out, including all the people at the club that my ex was a tennis instructor at that she was a member of. So if I know someone is cheating - it's obvious and not just them having an innocent dinner with someone other than his or her spouse - I'd spill the beans. Because even if it's a weird open marriage situation, I would think they would want to be aware the spouse isn't being discrete enough.

I think this is such a tricky situation.

I think there are so many variables, including how good of a friend the person is who tells you. I have two close friends I know would not tell me to hurt me. It would be out of love. Coming from others I would have a harder time believing, and it would ruin the friendship.

I think I would want to be told.

But a situation like yours happened to me. I made suggestions to my friend...'aren't you worried that they spend so much time together?' ....'don't you think it strange that he works so many late nights when no one else in his office does'....and she never picked up on my hints.

So after those hints failed, she and I went to dinner. The conversation changed to her husbands work and I told her that here was a group of people there that are not 'husband friendly'. I explained that they all drink heavily, meet out at bars until the am, have 'special dates' and share inappropriate information with each other. On these 'special dates' the coworkers would meet up at bars or baseball games and pretend to date each other. Unbeknown to their spouses. These people are in their 30's, 40's and 50's. She knew who I meant, and then tells me her 'wonderful husband' drove this lady home after one of their bar nights (she had too much to drink.....wait didnt they all???) and the lady's husband 'found them' on her driveway and I guess their was a confrontation. So my long dragged out point is, I told her I would not feel comfortable with my husband spending so much time with this people. She flat out defended her husband and those people. She still didn't getmy suggestion.

Grrrrrr..I was at least hopeful that I planted a seed.

I was not more direct after this bc:

1) I did not see it with my own eyes

2) I thought maybe they had an open marriage.....a few times she and I had plans and she had to find a sitter at the last minute bc husband had to work, but instead he is at baseball game and his coworkers posts pics on FB....how did she not know?

3) our kids are friends and I didn't want to start trouble when I didnt know 100%

4) I didn't know what else to say to break her denial

It was horrible. I decided to put some space between us bc I felt like I was in the middle of something that was not my business and really had no where to go with it.

It is such a tricky horrible situation.

FF two years later I find her at the end of my block in her car crying bc her marriage is ending. They are separated now, and she doesn't believe half of what he has done.

It just stinks!

I felt like I tried to be a good friend and give her heads up, but just didn't know what to do after that.

Geez...I fell like I wrote a novel, LOL

ETA: I think in hindsight if I would've had direct proof I would've confronted him and given him 24 hours to tell her before I did.

If one of my friends knew and didn't tell me, that friend would be gone so fast. I'd give the cheater a little time.. couple days to come clean but otherwise.. i'm telling. and I've been in this position. one friend tokd me she was sleeping with my other friend's boyfriend. you bet i tokd her. and she was so appreciative... turns out the other friend had herpes..

My best friend in the world - yes, I would say something if I had direct knowledge.

Anybody else and I probably wouldn't poke my nose in it, mainly because I wouldn't know enough about the "big picture."

Essentially what TF Plano/Allen said and Marda too.

I would approach the cheater and say something like "does Susan/Bob know about this person? Because s/he will in 2 weeks. You tell him/her yourself beforehand...or not. But I will."

Yes, I think I'd want to know.

I would want to know & hope someone would tell me
BUT I would NEVER tell if I was the one to see or find out, just not my business.

My husband wouldnt want to know OR tell.

Doesnt change no matter who it is.

~I have been with my husband for 18 years, I have had a brief, very brief affair once. I told him b/c I cant keep a lie to save my life & wanted to feel better (selfish behavior all the way around on my part) my husband didnt want me to tell him, didnt want to talk to me about it.
He said he knew right away. He just wanted it over & to never speak of it again. Men are different creatures.

I think I would want to know. Years and years ago, my BIL worked for a company; the same one as my husband, brother and stepdad worked for. Anyway he walked out to his car with a girl that worked there also. I was in the parking lot with my kids while my husband went in to get some things. I saw my BIl and the girl(had to be a few years younger than my sister) get into his car, sat there for a while and took off. Of course I called my sister and said I don't want start trouble between you and your husband but I saw him and -----(named the girl off) get into the car and left. She told me she would do the same for me. She asked her husband later about it which he got mad and thought it was another employee that worked there that my sister knew. I don't know rather or not he was cheating but my sister thanked me for telling her the truth.

My ex cheated on me. I would want to know and would hope someone would tell me, but only if they knew FOR SURE.

That being said, I honestly don't know if I would tell someone if I knew. In fact, my 15 yo just told me she thinks my ex, her dad, is cheating on his wife. She saw him messaging a female with hearts and love emoticons. Although I'm not surprised by this since he did the same to me, I don't want to tell his wife because frankly, if she left him, who knows what the next woman would be like around my kids? Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. So it's a tricky situation that really I don't think you should get involved in.

And if you do know something and the person finds out on their own, I definitely wouldn't say, Oh, I've known for a long time. THAT would be a problem too. So overall, I think you say nothing and stay out of it. Good luck.