If your friends husband said you called him a woman beater, when you in fact did not, and ended up lying to your husband saying that the person you told it to repeated it to their husband and their husband repeated it to someone else and it got back to him, would you feel the need to clear things up by sending him a message (nothing bad or harsh) letting him know the exact conversation and what was said and calling him out on his lies?
Would you consider this a challenge of your integrity?
The guy did punch a woman in the face. But he says she ran into his fist when he was trying to push her away. He had one person co-sign his story, but my husband was there and saw it first hand. As well as other people that were there n saw it and say it was in fact intentional. And the only reason it came up with a friend is because that person knows the person that was punched in the face, not because I was quick to gossip.
And my friend actually did not repeat our conversation to anyone, not even her husband. And I know she wouldn't lie. If she did in fact repeat our conversation, she would tell me. We are very very good friends. The guy just wanted to say it was repeated to validate his argument. And his wife was lying about things too. She n I were good friends and we had talked about this incident long before so when I discussed that my friend knew that girl that was punched n briefed her on the conversation she told her husband. Her husband claimed she didn't know about it, but she told me when she asked him to again tell her what happened when he "accidentally" hit that girl, after awhile he asked her why she kept asking about it. So he then lied to my husband n said she didn't know about it. But I have the messages she sent me as proof she did. So she lied to him n said I was lying that she did in fact know about it. But he did know she knew about it, hence the AGAIN. Right?
Sorry, can be confusing.
Basically, they both are liars.
Edit to add...
The only reason I want to clear this up is because this person speaks to my SIL and my in laws and I are at odds. My husband n I have no contact with them as a result. We are trying to get to a better place with my in laws and just don't want fuel added to the fire. Our no contact has 6 months to go and I would hate for this to be something that's brought up when we do talk to them again.
@ Dawn..it was his ex-gf that he hit. His wife knows about it. He has shown aggression to her though. He once pulled her glasses off her face n threw them out the window while she was driving. He is very controlling too. He is has no respect for women!
@ Cheryl O...I completely agree that this middle school garbage n hate that I got caught in the middle. I have since bowed out of the friendship, and so has my husband.
@ Just M...aside from my in laws and this couple, my husband n I have a very happy & peaceful life. But that is a great thing to consider. I do however make it a point to eliminate drama if it comes my way. Which is why I gladly bowed out of this friendship. I am very outspoken n have learned to bite my tongue now that I am older. :0)
I would never feel that my integrity had been challenged by something that came out of the mouth of a liar and a creep.
the wife is clearly afraid of her husband and her story changes in her head to make him not to be the bad guy so she feels justified in staying?
Ok let M. ask you this?
Have you ever looked at how much drama is in various aspects of your life? we all have certain members that bring drama (i have an ex husband) I am well aware of that, but besides him in my life the drama is limitied to my actual feelings, not what so and so did. If you in laws and these people are friends and both people you've had to distance yourself from why not rid yourself of them and call it a day?
or maybe look internally and see if the worlds not so bad and that you actually are drawn to drama or help intesify it without knowing?
that's J. my very unknowlegable two cents though=)
why would you even care about what this low-life thinks of you or says about you? People like this aren't worth your time. You can tell them they are wrong until you are blue in the face - however - they will be stuck in "what they believe" no matter what. You could pull a whole slew of people together and prove your point...and they would STILL believe whatever it is they want to believe. This person can say "I've got proof" or "I know for a fact" or whatEVER it is they "believe" and no matter WHAT is presented - in their eyes - you are still wrong, liar, whatever they are calling. These people are pond scum - maybe even lower than pond scum. So don't stoop to his level.
The fact is - people will talk. It is your TRUE friends who will know whether or not you are a liar. If they believe the gossip - then you will find out who your friends are.
To be honest - this sounds like middle school. drop it. the only integrity lost is the man who hit his wife. the more you try to disprove or prove - the lower you become. Just drop it. Move on. Press on.
ETA - my answer still applies. Stand up for what you know is true, HM. He's the one who is awful. NOT YOU. When someone lies and hits, you call them out on it and you TELL. Bullies want silence. Don't let them have it. How else will they be made to straighten up? If your In-laws find fault with you over this, then they are ENABLERS. Pure and simple.
Original:
So, am I getting this right? This woman is actually an abused wife. He hit her, your husband saw it, and the wife recanted. Your husband knows the reality of it. He knows that it wasn't an "accident".
If I were you, I'd look him in the face and tell him what an douchebag he is for abusing his wife. Stand up for what your husband saw.
The truth is that if you stammer and try to explain away, you are letting him think that what he does is okay. Just because SHE isn't ready to see reality doesn't mean that he should be off the hook.
And by the way, it's going to happen again. You'll be vindicated when it does.
Dawn
In my experience the truth comes out sooner or later and it is better if I am not a part of any of it. I steer clear of this much drama. Everyone who knows me knows the kind of person I am and that is all that matters. I would leave it all alone.
It kind of was a confusing question...or maybe it's still early in the morning.
IF this guy punched a woman in the face then he DID in fact "beat a woman". He can get as pissy as he wants and say she "ran into his fist", which we all know is a bunch of BS.
These two sound totally unhealthy and I would not have a care in the world what they thought of me.
Sounds like you and your inlaws were at odds before this happened. Oh well!! This sounds like a Springer episode!! LOL!
L.
Not worth your time to step down to this loser's level to try and sort this out. Please stay away from him. He is violent and has you in his sights. If your in laws take the word of a coward who hits women, then I think they have a whole slew of issues you can to do nothing about.
back off, stick to your own business.
by addressing this issue, you are opening the door on a relationship you want closed. Let the fire burn down, & keep walking away.
Learn to stay out of drama. The wife knows the truth.
She is the one at this point just trying to survive.
I only read until "the guy actually punched a woman". What the hell to you care about what a guy that punched a woman in the face thinks or says about you.
Remove yourself from the drama, stop associating with these people. If someone else brings it up just tell them that you are aware about the rumors and have decided not to participate in that kind of immature drama. Period. No need to defend yourself or go on the offensive. Do not feed the drama.
I stopped reading after your question--"Would you consider this a challenge of your integrity?"--because that's really the end.
I would not send any messages. That would only drag it out, giving them something else to latch on to and turn on you. (Put as little in writing as possible. Say it with your mouth and be done.) If it means that much to you to actually clear it up, go straight to the guy and tell him what was actually said. Don't worry about what other people are saying.
I have an issue with people lying or misunderstanding, so I, too, would want to clear things up. I get that. I also get that you can make things worse when you try to hard, even if you believe that you have right on your side. He's the only other person who matters, since you were talking about him. Go directly to him and "clear it up", and then leave it alone.
Honestly, I'd be adding them to the no contact list and going on with my drama-free life.
Sounds like my exHusband.
Believe me... There is NOTHING you can do. Even if you had video and sound, it would still get twisted. <rolls eyes> True story.
They're going to say and do whatever, whenever, to whomever... And trying to do anything will just make you more of a target. Either to discredit you, suck you in / put on on his/their side, whatever. Pathological liars, abusers... As long as they have an 'in' they will try to
Manipulate you (and everyone around you).
Personally... I've found that cutting all ties, and being bluntly honest when stuff comes up laterally to be the best route.
"Oh, Josh? Well he's an abusive schmuck, so I won't have anything to do with him."
Friendship should not have to be so complicated.
Make friends with less complicated people (grown ups).
Don't get back together in 6 months or any amount of time.
Just say that for health reasons you are totally abstaining from all drama.
There's no need to involve yourself nor your husband any further. Your integrity and your husband's integrity aren't in question because there were so many witnesses that know the truth. The integrity of the woman beater is at stake and he knows it. Let his actions and words speak for themselves and stay out of it. It's between the former girlfriend, the woman beater, and his wife. It's up to the former girlfriend to her to file charges. It's then up to the police to investigate and if that happens then your husband can give a statement as to what he witnessed.
Anything else prior to a formal statement is just gossip.
