Invisible

when I feel this way? I take off for 3 to 5 days and let my husband run the house! Gives him a new perspective on things.

I'm really sorry you are going through this and I apologize in advance if you think I'm being mean. I am not.

We teach people how to treat us. Also, what you allow is what will continue. You are waiting for everyone else to change, but really, you are the one that needs to change. You need to start saying no. You need to start expecting them to do the things you ask.

Make a list of what you want the kids to do: daily, weekly. Give it to them and explain that if they don't comply, there will be consequences (no tv, electronics taken away, no friends over, etc). With your husband, sit down with him and let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not his maid or cook, just like he isn't your sugar daddy. If you ask him for help, he needs to help you! And if he says, "No." tell him not to be surprised when you say no to him (like to cook his dinner, wash his clothes or have sex). Eff him.

Stand up for yourself, woman, because no one else will.

Mommy,

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this!!

Part of the problem is that you have allowed this behavior to happen. When you ask them to do something and they don't? You end up doing it for them. So why should they do it?

Stop allowing them to take advantage of you!! I know it's hard. I'm sorry that hurts. Tell them how it will be. PERIOD. If they don't help - they don't get. It's really that simple.

When my boys were younger? If they didn't pick up their stuff and I did? They LOST IT. Yep. It was put in a bag or in a box and it was GONE. If they asked about it - I told them I picked it up. Since I picked it up - they obviously didn't care enough about it to pick it up and put it away...so it's gone.

Dinner? My kids have to help. They are part of the family. I've not called them for dinner and they come up as I'm cleaning up and ask "when's dinner?" sorry - it's over. You didn't want to be part of the family so I took care of it. It opened their eyes.

When I was gone for 3 weeks to take care of my mom? boy oh boy did they notice what I do for the family. So take a vacation. Go away for a few days and see how they fare.

Otherwise? Stop doing for them. Hold them accountable. Your husband says "NO" to helping you? Kick his rear end hard! What's his major malfunction?!??!?! DO NOT give in. DO NOT do their jobs for them. Find a family counselor. Your husband needs a wake up call. He helped bring these kids into the world, he needs to step up and be responsible too!

Good luck!

Yes, take a little vacation...they will notice when you're not there! Trust me on this one!

You teach people how to treat you. Tell your kids you won't give them a ride until xy and z is done then just sit back and relax. They will step up to the plate.

Stop allowing your family to treat you like a servant and their personal door mat.

Go to work, enjoy being away from home and being appreciated. Then when you come home don't do everything. Let it go. When hubby gets pissed off about the house, the dishes, all the take out food wrappers, etc...tell him you have asked him for help and he said no. You have asked the kids for help and they said no. So you decided to stop helping too.

Tell him that you are not his servant. That you are not his chattel. Tell him if he wants the house cleaner then hire a housekeeper because you're tired and are not coming home from your job to be the family servant.

I just hate when a family treats the mom like this. IF you allow them to treat you like this and give in, allow it, then I guess it's what you do want. I don't put up with it. If the dishes don't get done so what, it's hubby's job. I am not going to rescue him from his chore. He also manages the trash. It's his chore.

The kids are supposed to do the litter box, feed and water the cat, and put their laundry in their hampers.

They get really upset when they need clothes for school and their drawers are empty. They have to dig through all the clothes on the floor to find their stuff. I shut their door and ignore their rooms. They have started putting their stuff in their hampers now.

My personal opinion is that many of the answers to this type of issue come from within.

How did you grow up? What were your parents like? Did you have to jump through hoops to get their love and approval? Are you repeating any dynamics from your childhood in your adult life? My sense is that the universe will keep throwing you the same pitch until you learn how to hit it. :)

I would read up on Boundaries (there's a book by Dr. Henry Cloud that I like). I'd also read a book called "Co-Dependent No More."

IMHO you can't understand your family (and thus be effective) until you understand yourself.

Good luck. <<hugs>>

Besides being a model giver and supporter you are also being a model martyr.
Stop asking/begging.
Make out a chore chart and list the chores the kids will do.
Tell them - these things are now your responsibility.
If homework and chores are not done then you don't drive them to activities and no tv/computer/games/friends/etc.
The only excuse for not getting things done is extreme sickness (but you don't have to tell them that) - a sore throat or a slight cough is not enough to get out of doing chores.
And then when they don't get done - Do Not Do It For Them - absolutely no rescuing them.
If they didn't do what they are suppose to do, then instead of driving them around or doing their chores for them - you can go take a nice long bath and relax and ignore the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
When they learn that having a tantrum will not guilt you into serving them again then they will eventually stop with that tactic.
They will learn "The quickest way to fun is to get the work done".
Cross stitch it, frame it and hang it on your wall.

It's more tough with your husband.
You are not his mother and you should not treat him like you are.
A chore chart won't work with him.
What chores do you want him to help with?

Yes - take a vacation.
A few days is not enough - go for a full week.
Head to the beach - it's cheaper in the off season.
Take walks, use room service, read books - relax and recharge.

Consider getting a full time job.
Save up some money out of your salary for a 1 week vacation twice a year.

Yes to chore charts for kids as others note. Not chores for money or allowances. Chores they do because those chores help the household run. And penalties if the chores aren't done. If they want a "reward"? The reward of dishwashing is having dishes clean enough to eat off of.

I see a huge problem here, though, and it's called Dear Husband. He gives you a flat-out "No" to specific requests for help at specific times? That is not being a partner. You need to sit down with him but only at a time when the kids are NOT there, he is not wanting to watch something on TV in five minutes, etc. and tell him what you told us: You are feeling like a doormat and the household's servant, and it's time for recognition of your role and more work from everyone else. Do not go on and on or you'll be accused of whining or told, "Gee, if you did't want to chauffeur the kids, why did we have 'em?" Be short and to the point: Things will change now or you will go on strike. He has to believe you mean it and will actually do it by the way.

He may feel that if he is the main breadwinner, he's done his part; he may say that "When I get home I need down time to get over the work day!"; he may come from a childhood home where mom did all the things you do and he wasn't expected to help. (Did he?) OK, acknowledge all that, but tell him that's not YOUR home, now.

I agree that you need to look within to why things have gone so far and gotten so very lopsided. Check out the books others mentioned, and focus too on following through if you say you will no longer do task X because child Y now does that task, or you will not do thing Z because it is now husband's assigned thing. Do not cave and do those tasks because the mess when they don't get done drives you nuts. Let it go until the point gets felt by the others.

If your husband fights this, mocks you or gets ugly about it, there is a much, much larger issue between you -- lack of any respect for you as a wife and a person -- and that would require different work that might include counseling.

I have four kids who rotate jobs like nightly dish duty, cleaning the litterbox, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the garbage, and washing the towels. Some of these jobs are every day, some are not, some take more time than others which is why we rotate them every month or so.

I have to keep on them every step of the way. They will not do them because there is a chart on the wall, I have to remind them and check their work. They do not do these chores for money. The more organized I am, the better and more often their jobs get done. They start to lose privileges like tv/internet/ps3/friend time if they do not do their jobs.

I have also stopped doing my husband's laundry,I just bag it up and toss it out of our room or put up with it on the floor. Seriously, I just don't care anymore.

The difference between my husband and yours is that mine does what I ask him to do. I can't imagine him saying "no" andsiding with the children in a revolt because none of them want to do their chores. That's the most immature and ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Time for your husband to grow up. I have met men like him, I couldn't live with one. It took me some time to train my husband to pick up after himself (he was just simply a slob when I met him), but he would never dare to challenge me in the way your husband is challenging you.

Stop feeling guilty and stop doing their work for them. And start valuing yourself, even if no one else does. You don't need their kudos to realize your own worth.

I dont have advise but thought it might make you feel better to know your not alone. I swear just two days ago I said this exact thing to my family!

I hope things are getting better for you at the home. I too have issues with help around the house. I swore when I was a kid, I would never pick-up after anyone because my mom doted on my dad. Now that I have a family of my own, I have become the caregiver of the home. Funny how that works!

After 12 years of marriage, I have found that I need to be very specific about involvement with my husband. Although I do most everything in the home, I insist that everyone pick up after themselves. I have made it easy for everyone by making a specific spot for their items. At the end of the day, all items get put away before bed. When I need help from my husband, I wait until the weekend or before he leaves for work. I have a captive audience this way!!

As for the children, I realize my role is "caregiver". I also make sure I have a carefully thought out plan. As others have mentioned; a chart or timetable. In addition, an award or consequence is added.

At the end of the day, I know in the not-so-far-off future, I will be left with an empty, clean, put up home with zero noise and chaos. I am careful what I wish for :) Enjoy the ride.......no one can do it as well as you.

This line says it all - "I'm working to help support the family and our lifestyle"

I think it is time to reevaluate your 'lifestyle' and scale back. Is it that important to keep up with the Jones or keep up appearances and at what costs?

I'm hoping you find peace.