Is It Better to Stay Together for the Kids Even If You Can't Get Along?

I think that it all depends on how you look at marriage... (assuming that you are married) I have been married previously to the one i am in now... and it was horrible... but it wasn't just about not getting along... have you tried counseling?

my parents never got divorced but i wished that they would have. They stayed together for me and my sister, but we always felt the tension and we heard them fight a lot when we were little. It would have been easier for us if they were divorced. We wouldn't have had to hear them fight and i think they would have been a lot happier and we would have felt that and probably would have had a happier childhood.

Hi S.,

I have not been in your situation personally, but I did have parents that fought quite a bit when I was growing up. My parents separated when I was 24 yo. and it affected me a lot, even though I was much older. I didn't like seeing my mom hurt so much.

As a kid, it's scary. You see the two most important adults in your life arguing on a constant basis and yes it's all so negative. I hated seeing them do this, but I know it would have hurt even more if they divorced/separated when I was younger. Kids who don't have both parents in their lives' have a huge impact on the relationships they have later in ife.

If I were you, try to get some counseling for you and for your daughter's father. Try to work it out, because being together is going to take a lot of work. Marriage is not easy, ask any couple. If the two of you can work towards getting along, then do what you both can. It doesn't only affect you and your daughter's father, but your daughter too.

I know you were looking for advice from woman who have been there, but coming from a "kid" who was there, NO it's awful, kids know when things are out of balance.
I'm not encouraging you to separate but two parents who can show a child that life has good things to offer is better then two who show a child they are trapped and that "life sucks" and then you die... Which is what they will see if they are raised by two people who are miserable just being in the same room together.
Not sure if I worded all that well but I think you know what I am trying to say.

H.

The research is very very clear that it is better to separate and that TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE where there is "high conflict" (yelling, consistent disagreement, verbal or nonverbal disrespect, etc. all the way up to violence like throwing things, hitting/kicking, AND THREATENING to do those type of thigns).
Having been in a relationship like that, I can also add that if there is any of the violence including threats, it is very important that you document what is said and done - and if you're at risk of being harmed physically, it's important for your baby that you find a way to leave that environment. It's not at all uncommon for children to be harmed accidentally when the abusive parent is lashing out at you but they happen to be nearby -- and regardless of physical injuries, the atmosphere of fear and tension IS harmful to their psyche. If you don't feel comfortable doing anything about it immediately, at least go to a women's services place, or your doctor's office, or the police and tell someone and ask them to document it in case you need it later on. I actually didn't know that you could do that -- you can even call the next day or after an incident and get a formal record. Please don't underestimate the importance of leaving a record for yourself later.

S.,

First I want to say how sorry I am to hear that you are feeling this way. I know what it's like and it doesn't feel good. The answer is simply no. If you have tried to make it work for some time but you both can't compromise, then as painful as it may be, sometimes we have to let go. If you haven't tried counseling, I would recommend that first but if you have and it didn't work, then it's time to move on. If you stay in a situation where you are unhappy, your children will identify this a "the way a relationship should be" and likely end up in unhealthy relationships when they are older. Staying with someone you are unhappy with also creates resentment and you may begin to resent your children because they are the reason you stayed. That is definitely not good. I wish you all the best.

D. H.

If your husband is a good provider and a positive role model, STAY.Tough it out until the kids are raised. After the kids are raised maybe you can both go your seperate ways. T

If you can't get along with your spouse, your child is going to feel your tension & negativity but is so young, will have no outlet to be able to talk about it. It is often easier to make healthy choices for yourself & your child if you are in a living situation that is peaceful & where there is not excessive conflict. A certain amount of conflict is normal, and when you have a child that is so young, it is just bound to happen, since raising a child is HARD! I have been with my husband since high school (now 24years total) and can tell you, we had our challenges the first year of our son's life.

The children pick up on negativity & it doesn't do them any favors as far as knowing how to have a healthy relationship, even at such a young age.

If you & your spouse can still share childcare, or split the work & responsibilities involved in having a child, this is wonderful. Also, it is a total fantasy for some couples who don't stay together...so don't hold your breath...but I would not recommend you compromise your, or your spouse's health & happiness, "in the interest of the child", since what is that really teaching the child? Be in an unhappy situation, & the child is the root of the unhappiness? Sounds like a lot of responsibility for that child to carry...even if you tell the child it isn't his or her fault, you are really making it the child's fault you are both unhappy.

My parents "stayed together for the children" & finally split up when I graduated college. Things didn't really start deteriorating until I entered high school, but this made almost 8 years of "staying together for the kids" that could have been avoided...My brother & I were so relieved when they split, that now each of them could heal & become the happy people they always deserved to be. No more fighting & negativity...My dad went on to remarry & has been very happy since they split. My mom has not healed & now is living with feelings of loss & heartbreak, even 14 years after their split. Hopefully some day she will find some closure...

If you have tried all avenues (talking, counseling, separation, extended break) & nothing is helping you to connect with your spouse, please do both of yourselves a favor & do what you need to be a happy person, and find support to be a good parent, even if that means splitting up with your spouse. Open up to what life has to offer you & hopefully you & your spouse can rise above the pain you are in, and forge a path for your child to be a healthy, happy individual who knows how to have a healthy relationship.

No, it is not better to stay together.

Kids aren't dumb... they know what's going on.
If they go over their friends houses and see how other parents interact with one another it just re-enforces the problems you are having.
If there is any friction in the house, no matter how small it may seem, your daughter will know.

It saves you and your partner a lot of unhappiness and frustration as well as your daughters happiness and frustration.

Children are a lot smarter then what a lot of people give them credit for. Be honest to a point... daddy and I love you and love each other, but it's better for us to love one another in separate houses. She doesn't need to know that daddy is a bastard who cheats! lol

Just keep it simple. Children have enough confusion and excitement trying to grow up, don't throw in dealing with mom and dad's problems as well.

Ask yourself what you want your children to learn about love and relationships. Let that guide your answer. Best of luck!

I have been there and still there.. I dont think it is a good idea because the child sees it all. it is better if you just seperate if he really wants to see or be the life of the baby u will find out later.

I will be divorced one year in July and I'd have to say that I really think that the reason that me and my husband did get married was for our daughter and we stayed together for almost five years before we decided that it really wasnt' working. I'd tell you absolutely do not stay married just because of your kids. Children are VERY perceptive and will pick up on any negative vibes and will only lead to more problems. I'd have to say that this last year has really been hard but I have seen such an improvement in my oldest daughter. She is so much more happier now that me and my husband can get along now. I would really try to get counseling first to see if you two can work out your problems but if not the is no shame in admitting that you can not agree on things and in the long run your children's emotion well being will be better too. Just remember that you two will always have to deal with each other for the kids sakes and it is very important for your children's development to see a healthy way to deal with conflict; not just to see fighting or even contempt with or even for their parents. One last point to make; children take things very personally and if you stay together and don't work out your problems then they will start to blame themselves. I hope this helps.

S.:
In my opinion-- NO it is not better to stay together just because of a child. I left my ex 6 years ago this month and it was the best thing I did for my children. One day 6 years ago I finally looked at things through my childrens eyes and all I saw was 2 parents never gettting along. I knew this was harming my children. They have been much better off with just me. Yes, it is hard, but it can be done and in the long run your daughter will be much happier. Also if you are happier she will be happier.

A.

Not if the environment is abusive! If there is a lot of yelling and screaming it's not worth it...

4 months after my ex left we were eating dinner (me and the kids) - my 5yo looks up and says did not notice how nice and peaceful it is in the house now that Dad isn't here yelling at us all the time?

Too bad I hadn't realized it earlier.

If you are able to communicate without yelling or physical violence than it is good for the kids to stay together - but you have to be able to work with each other and not against each other...

I am 27 with a three year old and her father and i were together for 10 years since high school. In my experience it was best for us to seperate since it was obvious it was not working out. However in seperating I had to be the bigger person and make sure none of our personal issues clouded our parenting. Always remember that the childs interest are what is important try not to let any of your personal issues with each other effect any decisons regarding your child. It took us a while but we are good friends and we help each other when it comes to our child but if any personal issues cloud over I make sure to remind him that it is about our daughter nothing else

I've been there, and no, it isn't better to stay for the kids. I was angry with my ex all the time for not helping me parent, for checking out once he got home from work. Everything was all about him. It broke my heart to file for divorce, but I did. I didn't want to become like my ex's mother, who did stay for the kids, and was bitter and had a total martyr complex about everything. I stayed longer than I would have if we had been childless. We went to counseling for two years, but he couldn't be honest with himself or me about what was really going on. Sometimes my daughter says she wishes we had stayed together, and I wish it had been possible. But it wasn't. I was depressed and very unhappy. Now I am married to an awesome man, who made me believe in soul mates again, and whom my daughter adores. She is only 7, too young to understand all that went on between me and her dad. My ex and I have a great relationship; we are much better friends now than when we were married.

Take the previous poster's advice and NEVER bad mouth your daughter's dad in her presence. My current husband's ex does this with my stepkids and it's very destructive. Someday it will bite her in the butt when the kids realize what a spiteful woman she can be.

Best wishes!

no. If there are any negative vibes around the children pick up on all that. Do try to stay civil with each other for the children's sake if you decide to separate. It's will be hard at first but anything worth it is hard at first. Good luck.

Yes and No. It totally depends on your situation. My point of view is that when I was 19 my parents seperated. My mom had basically been staying because there was still children in the home.(me) In many ways I am thankful for this, but it was still a hard thing to cope with even at 19...

So I haven't "been there" but I've been a child whose parents stayed until I was old enough to leave home. Looking back, it was kind a bad deal because I never saw an example of a happy married couple and now I struggle with my own personal issues in my relationship. I try not to keep blaming my parents because I know they wanted the best for me.

Just think on the whole, what is best for everyone involved? If you leave your husband, do you plan to date other men while you have small children? Have you considered the impact this would have on your kids? Have you considered the issue of custody? Child support? Visitation? It is a long complicated life to live with children like that and if your problems can be worked out, that would obviously be a better decision.

It might be a good idea to try counseling. Maybe if you can't afford it, you could try a clergy member for advice?
Wish you luck with your decision.

Hi S., Im also a 23 year old single mother and i understand every situation is different but I just got to say DON'T IGNORE THE OBVIOUS, if the relationship is just about sex than it is always going to be about that or whatever the reason, if you cant get along not only will you and your partner be miserable but you will make your child miserable as well if you considered everything and it cant work out move on being single is not so bad. I was with my ex-boyfriend 6 years and we were never able to get along always fought for whatever reason, we have a baby girl together which I thought would make things better but No everything was the same the only difference was that now we were arguing and fighting in front of our baby which thankfully it didn't affect her since she is 5 months, I am now single and although it was a very hard move to make since I had been with this person for 6 yrs of my life My daughter and I are better off, Why stay with someone who makes you Unhappy or miserable No reason, and if your staying with him for financial security you are only hurting yourself we as women are capable of making it on our own this days even if you have to cut back on shopping sprees or whatever you'll be fine without him, Dont be with someone who makes you miserable there is no reason to.

In my experience, no. I tried it for several years before deciding to divorce, and it was awful. My older son was 4 when we split up and he was glad to know that we would not be living together anymore because he was tired of the stress and tension in the house. I'm assuming that you've come to this conclusion after trying therapy or counseling - if you have not, I strongly suggest it. Good luck and take care.

Hi S.:

First, let me say I can't speak as a mother who's been in this situation. But I can tell you my view as a child of divorced parents. Sure, as a young child, I wished sometimes that my parents had stayed together. (What child wouldn't, right?) But as an adult, I can tell you that I know with complete certainty, my parents should not have stayed together, and I'm glad they didn't. I think if you two have a volatile relationship, with a lot of fighting, you can only hurt your child by staying together. She will grow up believing that fighting is a norm, and in turn will be more prone to fighting in her own relationships.

My only advice (since I see you two aren't together) is that you don't speak ill of your childs father to her. No matter what has happened between the two of you, he is still her father and she will always love him. If you need to vent your frustrations about him, make sure you do so when your daughter is not around. There is nothing harder on a kid than hearing their parents speak ill of each other in front of them. By doing so, you put them in the middle.

Your daughter is so young right now, that she will have a distinct advantage over a lot of other kids whose parents are divorced. She will grow up with the two of you already separated, so she really won't miss having two parents who live together, raising her. And as long as the two of you put her first, and work together in matters that regard her, without fighting, she will benefit. Good luck to you.

Dear S.,

No, no and no. The children will be hurt even more if you do that. They need to learn to live peacefully, they are learning how to be a spouse now, and if they see you two not getting along is not how you want them to be when they grow up. Peace and contentment and respect for your spouse is not taught by living in a tension filled home as a child.

C. N.

It really depends on situation. Do you love the person you're with, but have trouble communicating or some other reason why you don't get along? If you do not love the person you are with and you can't get along then no....it is not in your or your childs best interest to stay together. Your child will grow up feeling that they are the reason for their parents unhappiness and those feelings will only escalate because her parents feelings and fights will escalate as time goes on because the parents feel trapped and unhappy. If you love the person and just can't seem to get along whether it is a recent thing or has always been that way then I am a firm believer in making sure you try every avenue to save your relationship, to make sure you aren't throwing away something that could potentially be fixed and be all the you have hoped for by going to counseling. If after doing all you can it's just not going to change, then no....that is not a healthy environment for your child to live it. My parents divorced when I was 7. I know they loved each other when they first married, and I'm sure even at the end did to a point, but for years they fought constantly. They tried counseling, gave it a real effort, but it didn't change and their divorce was the best thing for us. Although I was hurting that my father would no longer be living with us, even at such a young age I knew that this meant the fighting would stop and maybe my parents could be happy. I've been with my husband for 18 yrs and married for 13. I know that if anything started to go bad in our relationship that I would, and I know he would, first try everything there is to try to fix the problems before we'd just call it quits......but we love each other so there is something there to try and fix. So....ask yourself, do I love this person? If you do then it's worth it for you and your daughter to try and work out the problems so you can get along, even it turns out that the problems can't be fixed and then you seperate....at least you will know you gave it every chance. If you don't love them then there is no question....you should never stay with someone just for the kids when you guys can't get along and never will....it's a damaging living environment for them and will affect their relationships and choices in life. Whatever you decide....to try and make it work or not, your fighting should never be done if front of the kids and one parent should never put the other parent down in front of the kids. I hope this helps and I hope for the best for you and your family whatever choice you make.

I have been through that with the same man twice and neither time did it work out. I just don't think it helps the kids, no matter how much we tell ourselves it will, and in the long run can do more damage than not being with them. I have been through some horrible things in my life and this is one thing I am definate on. I hope this helps you with your decision or just your random thought.