Is This Too Harsh???

I believe that making a child sleep alone, in the middle of the night is mean @ neglectful @ I don't understand.

It's one thing to expect them to go to bed in their rooms, at night, when they know you are there, awake, and protecting them. But children that wake up in the night, when it's dark, and they have no idea how much longer night will be, are scared, lonely, and often can't go back to sleep. They are laying there with all kinds of things going through their heads, shadows dancing around them, and sometimes bad dreams.

I can't believe that so many moms that are supposed to love their kids need to have these basic things explained to them. Don't you all remember what it was like to be a kid? I'm 45 years old and I still remember.

This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. And don't sweat the past...we all have moments of inconsistentancy :)

Good luck!!

To make it easier on everyone, try a pallet on the floor near your bed.

If he wants/needs to come into your room at night (nightmares, for example) then he can sleep on the pallet, but not IN bed with you and your husband.

This way, if he tries to get in your bed, you don't have to walk him all the way back to his room, you can simply put him on the pallet and tell him he can sleep there the rest of the night.

This keeps him in the room near you, but doesn't give him the "win" of getting in bed with you. He should tire of sleeping on the floor pretty quickly.

My parents did this and it apparently worked very quickly.

I think you need to get to the real reason as to why he is sneaking into your bed every night. I agree that if you notice him coming in that you should bring him back to his own bed (and luckily it seems that he will do this). You shouldnt allow him to sleep in your bed with you if this isnt what you want but he may be waking up because he is scared and alone and just needs reassurance that he is safe and everything is okay. And by leaving him in the hallway in the dark to face a locked door could just make things way worse for you and him - I would try to figure out why he feels the need to come to your bed at night and work from there. Think about it this way, you will wake up if hes crying because hes scared and you will wake up if he is trying to get into your room so you might as well wake up with him if he happens to get up and trys to come to your bed to see what the issue is and nip it in the bud right then and there- he will get the hang of sleeping on his own Im sure

This is going to sound horrible but the ONLY thing that keeps my son in his bed at night is locking his door from the outside. We tried EVERYTHING. I'd put him back in his bed over and over and over every night, for weeks on end. If there was an opening, he'd take it. With his door locked, he knows 100% he can't get out. We had to do this because he wasn't getting solid sleep in the night -- and when he slept with us we weren't either! In our bed, he wouldn't go to sleep til we did, and he'd wake up super early when I have to get up for work. He was maybe getting 5 hours total sleep at night. With his door locked he will stir in the night but go right back to sleep. I have a monitor in there and if he cries I give him about 10 minutes to work it out, then go in if he seems to be escalating. But I don't bring him into our bed -- I lay in HIS bed with him until he calms down. It is SO HARD, but sleep is so important for development. Good luck!

ETA: My son is 3.

Between the ages of 4 and 6, our son came to our bed almost every night. Most of the time, we didn't even realize he was there until we woke up in the morning. It didn't bother us and HE slept more soundly for it (with obvious benefits). Of course now, at 14, he doesn't come to our bed anymore, nor do our 9 and 11yr old daughters. But sometimes, just sometimes, I miss their little snuggly bodies warming my bed...

You are not going to scar him by saying no. You really have to believe in your heart that children are less breakable than to be scarred because you put him back in his bed at night.

The reason you've battled this for a year is because you are inconsistent in your expectations. You tell him no, and then you tell him yes. It doesn't matter that you wake up and he's there - to HIM, that is tacit approval.

Start locking your door. He will get up still, and knock and ask. Tell him no, go back to bed, and mean it. You don't have to be Darth Vadar, but you DO need to put a stop to him climbing in your bed.

If you don't believe me, ask your ped if you will scar him for life by making him sleep alone.

Dawn

I don't see what the fuss is but I enjoy our time when my son comes into our room. It's not going to last forever. Pretty soon he'll be all grown up. I never once thought of locking him in his room. You need to work with him & be consistent. If there were a fire, you don't know how you'd react. Most likely you will panic, what if in your time of panic you can't get that door open? It's not the end of the world people.

If you've never heard the song by Billy Dean "Let Them Be Little", you should listen to it!

Enjoy it!

Our daughter was 5 when we built and moved into this house which is much larger than the 1st house we built.

Her room was upstairs in 1 end of the house and our room is downstairs at the other end of the house.

Previously, she had always stayed in her bed with no issues. All our bedrooms in the previous house were upstairs and relatively close. As soon as we moved though, she kept creeping to our room at night. This continued for some time. I asked the pedi about it and she told me..... "there will be a day when you wish she would come snuggle in with you but she will be grown up and not want to be snuggling" My pedi has 3 children and they all crept into her bed at times as well.

That said, I realized that this was a huge change for her. Huge house, the entire upstairs to herself and I can imagine a 5 yr old being nervous and being afraid.

It wasn't too long afterwards that we went shopping for a new bed for her. We were at our favorite top quality furniture store at the time and she laid her eyes on this massive cherry wood bed. It was HUGE. She said I love that bed. Well, the price tag was around $2500 on it and the sales guy told us it was on a closeout because no one had a room big enough for it. Well, we did and daughter's room was perfect. We got that bed for less than $500 delivered and she has slept in her room ever since.

Try to figure out WHY he is coming to your room and nurture him. He'll be grown up before you know it.

I personally bed-shared with my daughter as a single Mother until she was almost 3 y/o - then moved into my fiance's house and he'd sometime sleep with us, sometimes in another bed... once we were married we ALL slet in the same bed, even during my last pregnancy. Almost exactly a month before her 6th birthday - little brother was born and now she sleeps at the bottom of our bad on a mattress on the floor, new baby sleeps in bed with us. If we had a larger bed, I'd have no problems having us all sleep in the same bed.

I see no big deal to allow CHILDREN to feel safe and loved when they need it by close physical touch - after all - you, an adult, does not sleep alone. I bet you'd feel mighty out of sorts if your spouse wasn't sleeping next to you. Now imagine your CHILD and the feelings a child has about their Mother. YOur children are small and needy for a very short time out of their hopefully long lives... they will not be sleeping in your bed by Middle School (unless something is delayed).

Not too harsh. I would lock my door.

First of all, 2 of my 3 kids sneak into my room on a regular basis. My 5 year old usually doesn't come in until sometime after 5am, and will quietly lay down on the floor by my side of the bed and go back to sleep. This my husband and I don't mind. However, if he comes in earlier, he is sent back to bed. My 2 year old though, is trying to claim our bed as his and it is not pretty right now! So, I obviously am not offering professional advice :) We discovered quite by accident when my 5 yr old was about 3, that if we just lock our bedroom door, he'll go back to bed on his own. The morning after the first time it happened:
Son: "Your door was locked last night."
Me: "Oh. What did you do?"
Son: "Went back to bed."
Me: Good job.

Maybe you can try this. Don't say anything beforehand. Simply lock your door when you go to bed, and see if that works. Now, he may knock on your door and call out, but then again, he may not! In the meantime, I'm going to track your other responses to get some ideas for myself, because my 2 year old is NOT buying the locked door approach.

My daughter would sleep on our floor every night if I let her...so I wouldn't be quick to jumping to letting him sleep on the floor. (And yes, she did for awhile and we have hard wood floors!) If your tired of him sneaking into bed...you just need to decide to call it quits like you've stated and no I don't think its harsh. (I've been there) If it makes you feel better you could warn him that your starting it next week. This gives him time to prepare.

Please don't do that. You CHOSE to gradually let him into your bed, so you need to do the work to gradually get him out. If you're truly serious (this time) then you need to consistently walk him back to his room - every single time - without saying much of anything other than, "this is your bed, this is where you sleep, sweet dreams!" If he comes in 5 minutes later..."this is your bed, this is where you sleep, sweet dreams!" Every single time - every single night - for as long as it takes to break the habit you allowed him to start.

Suddenly deciding that you - the adult - are "ready" to end this and shutting the door sends a very sudden, confusing rejection at a vulnerable time (during the night) and is borderline dangerous since he would then be alone out in the house feeling like his parents abandoned him.

No mean at all The problem is that right now he's getting mixed messages. Sometimes he gets to stay all night and others he's taken back to his own room. I'd say to close your door forcing him to open it when he wants to come in and at that point you'll know he's there and can take him back to his own room.

I don't understand why he can't just do this and get through this phase. He will most likely sleep in the floor in front of your door all night so make sure you have the heat turned up. He'll eventually stop waking and will start sleeping all night again. If you notice he will probably have a growth spurt in a while and they his sleep patterns will change again.

My kids have always been really good sleepers and went thru this when they were about 3. They would come in our room in the early morning and fall asleep on the floor on my side of the bed. I did not make it cozy for them, they slept on the carpet with whatever they happened to drag with them (pillow, blanket, stuffed animal, etc). So just tell him that he can come in, but he can't wake you up, he can sleep on the floor. Pretty soon he will get tired of it and just stay in his own comfy bed. Good luck!

I do not want to question your parenting but I do not have a heart to even put my 4.5 y/o into his room against his will. He has a room, a bed there, waiting for him when he is ready but he sleeps in a bed pulled up next to my side of our king-size bed. He falls asleep in my arms, with me in our bed every night after a story time, prayers and assurance that if any monster will show up - mommy is right here. After he falls asleep I gently move him later to his bed beside me. He wakes up occasionally and asks for water, or to help him to go to the bathroom, or from a bad dream, or from the blanket bunching up and him getting cold... every time I am so glad he is there...that I can make him comfortable, that he does not feel lonely and scared. I love his sweet smell, his breathing next to me calms me, we love each other to death. I just cannot understand how a parent can push a child away when the child is so young, and vulnerable, and needy. My older son is 14 and it is so sad when they grow up and do not need you anymore like they used to. Believe me, before you know what happened, your little boy will grow up and will request a lock on his door to keep you away and you will wonder what happened and how did it happened. That is why I snuggle up with my baby, I am so glad I kept both my babies close. My older son is very close to me, still holds my hand sometimes on the street and gives me hugs every day. He had the same arrangement with the bed as the younger one does now. He started sleeping alone around 7 on his own will, occasionally venturing back. When my husband traveled he slept in my bed. Some children are sensitive and vulnerable and they need the parent to be close for their own sense of security. If you son keeps coming to you - he needs that contact.
I will not tell you what to do. I do what is right for me and what feels right to me to keep my children happy. I do not regret it for even a moment.

You have to be consistent or nothing will work, no matter what it is. Make a little place for him in your bedroom, in a corner or next to your bed, etc., and have him sleep in a sleeping bag or on blankets. That way he will be close and in the same room but not in your bed. Don't make the place too cozy or he will want to stay there indefinitely. Don't put a pillow, stuffed animals, toys, etc., just blankets to cover with. It may still take a long time but he'll be out of your bed and eventually (when he's a teenager :) ) he'll stay in his own bed.

I don't think it's too harsh, but I don't know if closing the door will keep him out. You didn't say anything about telling him not to open the closed door. I don't know how someone can climb into bed with you without you knowing it. He must sleep very still!

I would just consistently get up and put him back in bed without ever letting him actually get into your bed. I truly believe that is the only way you will stop this.

My little brother use to do that but he would curl up on the bottom of the bed. My dad got the idea of making it uncomfortable for him one night they would roll over and "accidently" kick him (not where it hurts, just enough to wake him up). After a few of those accidents he stood up on the foot of the bed and announced "If you guys are gonna be that way, I won't sleep in here with you anymore!" and he never did again. Make it uncomfortable and he will stay in his own bed.

set a nightlight on a timer - have it come on at 6 or whatever time it is okay for him to come it - he can wake up - see that the light is not yet on - and wait for it - or go back to sleep until it comes on.

good luck.

I think that what someone else said about locking him into his bedroom is better than locking your bedroom. His bedroom is a "safer" place than the hall. Plus, you're less likely to hear his pleas to get into your room. Definitely tell him what's going on beforehand, however. I would give him one chance every night to not come out before you lock it. There are many other ways to show that you're serious--for example, be serious & not give in. In sum, everything you said is most definitely not harsh, except for the locking your door part. Locking his door is the equivalent of one of those handle contraptions that kids can figure out in 10 seconds. Plus, it makes more sense too. Good luck!

Both of our kids went through this same phase at about the same ages, so I'll start by saying I don't think this is abnormal. This is what worked for us: if they woke up in the middle of the night, they could come in our room if they wanted, but were not allowed in our bed. We made a "bed" for them on the floor that they could crawl into and go back to sleep. At first, they would wake me up when they came in, and I would tuck them into their bed on the floor. Eventually, I told them that it wasn't necessary for them to wake me - they could crawl in themselves because they were big and could do it themselves. So, this went on with both of them for a few months, but eventually, they discovered that they were able to put themselves back to sleep and it was much more comfy in their own bed and less hassle. Good luck!

I doubt it'll scar him, BUT 4 1/2 is this golden age where positive incentives really work. Print out a picture of a toy he wants, then put it on the inside of his door (where he'll see it when he's heading to your room), with a rewards chart. Every night he wakes up in his own bed, he gets a check mark. If that completely fails, I'm sure it won't be a disaster for you to shut the door, but you might try this first.

I don't think its too harsh at all and I sure wish I could take your plan and run with it!! Unfortunately im a push over and my nearly 5 yr old still sleeps in between us :( I want her out but the fact is I've co-slept with het since day 1 and I don't have the heart to lock my door on her. Now if she had been in her own bed (like she should of bern) since day 1 I would defiantly tell her to go back to her own bed. She starts school in august so that's my plan. Big girls that go to school sleep in their own beds. Let's see if it works.........