JFF: Things a Guys Should Never Say...

"It's 5 minutes until we have to leave to go to _________. Are you ready yet?"

This after I've fed, dressed and entertained the two kids, gotten myself showered, dressed, fed, and taken care of the dog all while he sits in the bed or couch watching TV.

MAKES.ME.WANT.TO.SCREAM.OR.WORSE...

"I wish I could stay home with the kids all day"

me: "I hate doing laundry"
hubby: "Why it's so easy, you just push a button"

Don't be like that.

I don't want to fight.

Can you run an iron over this shirt? If not, no big deal. I'll wear something else.

:)

Wait, there's more!

Wanna fool around/have sex/go upstairs?

Don't go there.

There's a stop sign up ahead.

Didn't you already DO the grocery shopping this week?

Did you want ME to do that?

"Honey, is it ok if I go on a motorcycle trip instead of spending Mother's Day with you?"

"You know, there are a lot of other women that want to have sex with me."

"Did you take your medication today?"

No words.........

another haircut, already?

so, if your boobs have fallen into your armpits, do you put deoderant on them? (it is amazing the man is still alive!)

I don't know what you're talking about, the truck is running fine for me.

Why do I have to call the mechanic? There's nothing wrong with the truck. (ongoing theme here....)

Do I have work clothes? (No, because you did not put them in the laundry.)

chicken, again?

I did the dishes. (No, did you notice I did them the other 6 days of the week?)

After 30+ years of marriage, you'd think I'd have more. Most of them I just ignore....or I tell him "now I understand why your Mom used to say that she just blocked out your Dad as soon as he opened his mouth"! Always gets a rise....

EDIT: my husband just called. He stopped at Walmart. Asked me if I needed anything. My response was, "pads, feminine wipes, tampons"... & before I could go any further, he was hysterical! Refused to shop my list :) So, I'll add one more: I'm at Walmart, do you need anything?

What did you do all day?

((HUGE difference between that, which implies nothing, and 'What did you do today?' being interested in their day))

The DEATH knell, btw, (which you should know, J.! Being as you're on that end of it!) is the working parent to the SAHP saying that after looking around the house. The stop, look around, 'WDYDAD?" should come along with a fine. Like a $500 fine, and childminding for 48 hours straight while the at home parent takes 2 days to remind themselves that really, homicide might not yet be necessary.

STRONG 2ND for the

"I work." comment

The baby is crying.
Are you mad?
Are you PMSing?
You're wearing that again?
She's cute.

1. You haven't been home all day! I have. (no I've been in an office with four grown men who can't do anything without me either!)

2. Another GS meeting? (yes, another one!)

3. I don't understand why you're griping at me it's not my fault?! (well who else is going to just sit there and not listen? the kids?)

4. I have job! (like I don't!)

5. My all time favorite was wedding planning...I said "did you pick out your tuxes?"...he said "no yet"...me "well you should do that since it's getting closer"...he said "well I would do it if it was something I really wanted to do"...

yep...I saw him reach for the words as soon as they came out!

But there are some he could say but rarely does!

1. You are such a great mom!
2. You look great today!

Saying those would take away all the others! Except 5 he'll never live that one down.

Do you HAVE to keep talking about Christian Grey and that dirty girl book you are reading?

Umm..well if you want to reap the benefits then yes - yes I do. If you want to sleep on the couch for the next week while I have my own little "dirty girl party" sans you - then keep up the snark.

Can you tell how my evening went last night? lol

You remind me of my mother (or your mother*). *Whoever is more odious.*

You sound just like my ex-wife./Wow. That was even nastier than my ex could manage. *Any comparison, direct or oblique, to any ex-wife or ex-girlfriend.*

Anything to do with weight/weighing/dieting.

Are you pregnant? *My father’s advice was always ‘unless you see the baby physically exiting the woman’s body, keep your mouth shut.’*

You look nice. *Really? That's the best you can muster? Did you even flipping look before trying to cut off the infamous 'how do I look question'?? Unless I'm going to ancient Aunt Harriet's funeral with you, you'd best muster up a better dang compliment than that.*

Is that all you did today?

You're eating that? OR You're ordering that?

I second " that's not the way my ---- did it."

That was the song that my ex and I always danced to.

I know I promised to go to ----- with you but is it okay to go ------ instead?

It's only a hallmark holiday anyway.

Added:
My daughter stopped by and said:
of course I love her she's the mother of my children.

You're not my mother why do I need to get you a Mother's Day gift?

Another pair of shoes!!!!?????!!!!!

Him: "I'd do her."
Me: "She's pregnant!"
Him: "I don't care; she is still hot."

"You look like your mom."

"You should wear a two-piece bathing suit. Don't worry, you will blend in with the other moms who shouldn't wear one either." :-0

So, how much did that cost ME? (Yeah, like I don't deserve to get myself something...after all, I'm working too)

From the very recent past, as we were expecting 25-30 people for Easter dinner:

"What's so hard about putting a ham in the oven?"

....I'd rather just stay home and do nothing.

WHAT!!! Youre only home from work one day a week and we're gonna do something together as a family whether you like it or not!

Whenever I got mad about anything, my ex would say "Awww, does someone need a grilled cheese sandwich?" Implying that the reason I'm mad must be because I'm hungry/low blood sugar. Never because of anything he did. *eye roll* There's a reason he's my ex, LOL!

This is fun!

1) You just need to organize yourself better- (Husband saying this to his Wife while she is venting to him about what she does ALL day 24/7 as a Mom & Household "manager," with 2 kids and while he is just sitting there on the couch watching tv saying he is hungry & he needs to relax).

2) You are so emotional- ( same scenario as above)

3) ----- (crickets chirping) as the Wife asks her Husband "Does this look nice on me?" and he looks like a deer in headlights

4) Why are you so busy?- (same scenario as #1)

5) You're lucky you get to stay home all day- (same scenario as #1)

6) "I washed the dishes!"- (Husband saying this to the Wife as though he does this everyday and therefore she should be thankful. Like it is doing her a favor). Meanwhile, he thinks he did enough to last the entire month.

7) "Why don't you exercise too, you just have to manage your time better." - (same scenario as #1).

5. Why didn't you do x, y and z that I texted you about 2 hours ago? What did you DO all day? (Nothing, 3 kids under age 6 is a cakewalk, right?)

oh yeah, I forgot...

While in the car on the way to some event, after scrambling to get 3 kids and hubby in the car, "Uh, so Kate, why didn't you put on any makeup?" "Because I've been too busy trying to get your kids and you ready to leave, I had no time for me! Now stop driving over the potholes so I can put on my mascara!"

While lying on the couch watching TV for an hour leaving the dishes in the sink and on the counters, as I start to clean up. "oh, I can do that."

"WOW! Did you see those tits?!?!

"Why do you spend so much on waxing/hair salon/nails/clothes?" (This from a man who also says, "Honey, I'm so glad you're pretty and you take care of yourself! I don't know what I would do if you just let yourself go!") Sigh...

And, "Why do the kids need new clothes again?" (Uh, the 9 year old is over 5 feet tall... why do you THINK she needs new clothes? Maybe I should just have her wear last year's shorts, which look like hot pants since she grew another 4 inches this year!)

I'm actually cool with number 3, but my husband is the only one who an say that to me. I wouldn't mind number 1 if he could tell me in what particular way. There's a way to say all of those (to me) and still be on my good side.

- How long until you're ready to walk out the door? (I'm already in a rush. don't make me have to stop pulling my pants up to focus on the time. Ask me again when I'm applying my mascara. I'll have a better idea then.)
- How do you keep stopping up the toilet? (I don't know, and I don't mean to, so let's not talk about it. Just know that I'm sorry.)
- I'm gonna take the baby out for a bit; you might want to use your time wisely. (However the hell I choose to spend this rare moment of FREE is necessary for my sanity, so shut up and direct your own traffic.)
- He's fussing again. Why don't you feed him? (You think I haven't thought of that?)
- Do you need a larger size? (I know it, and you know it. No one needs to say the words aloud.)
- Are you watching that? (If I am sitting in front of the TV, then assume that I am watching whatever is on. Don't come over expecting to change it to golf.)
- I'd like to do xyz. Do you have a problem with that? (Are you trying to start a fight? How about "Do we have any conflicts on the calendar?")

Can't you bake a chicken like my mother? Really?!
Did you take your medicine?
Is it that time of the month again?

Do you really NEED that?

I am probably the easy one. Don't point out anything negative that I do not have it in my ability to correct in a reasonable amount of time. In other words don't bring something to my attention that is going to cause me to dwell on it for hours since I can't fix it. :p

BAD: I really can tell you have been having a hard time, you can't even keep the laundry up.....
BETTER: I really can tell you have been having a hard time, let me do some laundry
BEST: Hey baby, the laundry's done!

***still waiting on that last one!***

"You always look good. That's why I never tell you so."

"Why are you cleaning before the guests arrive? You'll just have to clean again afterward."

You remind me of my Mom.

ETA: "I don't know; what do you want to do?"

That's not the way my mom does it
Since you aren't doing anything during the day anyway.....
Yes that dress does make you look fat
Are you eating again

Why can't you (blank) like so and so's wife?

Courtesy of my ex, "What do you mean you had a hard day? All you do is stay at home and play with the kids."

Lately:
I vacuumed, they didn't (referring the my 13 yr old kids), Am I supposed to give a medal?
When she is cooking dinner, after being busy all day either with the kids or at her full time job, walking in and saying "oh" as in "that's what we are having". Don't like it, too bad that is what you are going to eat-or you can cook your own food

You really should get more sleep.
It only takes a couple of minutes to...clean, sweep, dust, etc. Then do it yourself since it only takes a couple of minutes.

"You sound like your mother."

"I know what I am going to get you for your birthday...a dust-buster."
I wont let him forget that one.

"Didn't you just buy a new purse (or shoes)?"

"Oh, we had lunch at Fancy Restaurant today..." (this is usually a vendor treating him or a department meeting, but still no good when I was thinking Tuna Salad with Melted Cheese was a 'nice' lunch at home)

Esp. when he 'passes' on something at dinner because he 'already had so much at Fancy Restaurant' earlier.

grrr...

My worst verbal slip. "When are you due?" She looked 9 months along and had just grabbed her stomache like she was having a contraction. She said, "I'm NOT pregnant. I just have bad cramps." And then glared at me.

oops!

Its fun to read some of yours goofs. I'm so glad I haven't done those. But I did laugh or goan at some of them.

Good luck to you and yours.

My first ex-husband-"If I had met your mom first, I would have tried to date HER"

EDIT: Current husband- about to be ex #2, when he would ask why the house was a mess and I answered that it was because I work and when I get off work, I run errands, pick up the kids, grocery shop and go to the chiropractor 2-3x a week. I would say,"You are here, you arent doing anything and you get off work before I do. Why don't you do it?"
His answer "My job is harder than yours, I'm tired" WTFlip!!!!!
He ran a printing press and quit in August. I an a teacher (18 years straight) "SHUT THE FREAK UP JERK"

Are you going to wear that? or Is that what you are wearing?

Can you explain this to me?

Are you PMSing?

what did you do all day?

"Oh, ______" (Name other than yours during sex).

Regarding dinner......."you didn't outdo yourself, but it's good....."

My hubby, his friend and I were all sitting around not long after we got married and my hubby's friend asked how he likes being married, my hubby trying to say it right said " I love it, now I can do exactly what I want, when I want just not with who I want.....wait that came out wrong" . Lol the it doesn't translate to text the same way it was in person, but the look on his face was priceless and I will never let him live it down.

"Didn't you just buy _____?!" Example: "Didn't you just buy new shoes!?" Ugh. I then remind him I am the primary breadwinner in the home.
And my favorite- while holding up a bill from LAST YEAR, he asks- "Did you pay this bill?". And yes, I always pay the bills. The TV is still on, right? Sheesh.

What's wrong with you?

So what's for dinner? (returning from work and there is a plate set aside for him)

Come look at this.

Having listened to my problem of the moment, he would say "Oh, you should JUST.... ."

Took us a while to figure out that I just wanted him to listen and he just wanted to be ever helpful. So if I don't want a solution, I say so BEFORE I share my frustration about something.

Fun question. I've enjoyed reading all the answers.

My husband and I (at the time he was my boyfriend) were sitting on the couch and I was trying to snuggle with him, but he must not have been in the mood and he said to me in an annoyed voice, "Can't you just lie there"? I was very hurt that night, but it has since become a joke between us. He knew as soon as he said it he shouldn't have, but it was too late.

Well, you're bigger than you ever been.

"What's your problem?"

"Is it that time of the month or something?"

@LeeLee - my husband says BOTH of yours too!

When we were newlyweds, we had a lot of friends also getting married. My new husband would give them advice, that if their further in-laws family was crazy, they should dump the girl. It was definitely a slap in the face b/c my side of the family had given us a rough, crazy time and it was shocking to hear that his suggestion was to just walk away.

You're eating again!

Your arms are more muscular than mine
You are hairy like monkey ( it was my girlfriend's boyfriend, if i have that bf, i will break him to pieces)
You have no waistline, very straight like washing board
Please use your eyes ( whenever I fall, that's not the way he said when we were new couple , when he first dated me he really cared if I hurt myself and looked so concerned T_T)
She is cute and sexy ( hellooooooo, isn't it me you're looking for?)
You look like a teletubbies
Are you pregnant? That's fat?!!!! Wowwww....diet.
Monica Bellucci's chest is beautiful ( dangggg, why men must say this?)

I wish you could be more like my ...(mother, sister, ex)
I love you just the way you are, except for (insert desired trait here)
Oh, you're upset? It must be that 'time' of the month