Just Wondering - Dyer,IN

I think you first have to realize that you cannot "have them be true". You cannot make anyone be or act like you want. When people show/tell you who they are, believe them and then decide if this is someone you want to call friend or acquaintance. I am 41 years old and I have my acquiantances, or many "girlfriends". But really only 1 person I can still call friend to this very day.

Don't try to give everyone you meet the title of friend. Not everyone deserves that title.

Heidi - First, I suggest that you work oout what is it you want from people.

I am 45 years old and have little trouble making friends, but then...I don't expect a lot. And when someone is unresponsive, I quickly stop trying. And I think THAT is the important thing to remember - ONLY spend your time and energy on people that spend time and energy on YOU.

Don't go overboard...low key invitations, small gestures...some people are worth a few tries IF you enjoy their company, but if they don't reciprocate after 3 tries (or less, if 3 hurts), move on.

If your kids are in preschool, you may meet friends there. You may meet friends when you enroll them in outside activities. You may meet friends if you enroll yourSELF in outside activities. You may meet friends in church, in your family, in your neighborhood, and (if you work outside the home) at work....

See who you "click" with and DON'T try hard. Just relax and don't try...don't do any WORK...do what comes naturally. And again, if you put yourself out there and don't get a response, stop, back up, and look elsewhere. NEVER hurt yourself trying to make friends.

Good luck!

I've learned the hard way that it's best to have low expectations, even of people we really hit it off with and like. Sometimes, people are just so swept up in the current of their own lives, it's hard for them to extend themselves. For some friends, this is a temporary, seasonal thing, and for others, this will just be who they are: glad to hear from you, when you make the effort, glad to see you when it's convenient for them, but otherwise not used to extending themselves for you.

Life is short: decide who you want to hang out with, don't take it personally when those other people are disappointing to you, and cut everyone (including yourself) some slack. If there's imbalance in the relationship--as you described in the phrase "doing all the work-- then figure out how you want to balance it. Perhaps it's by backing off and letting them call you-- or not. It's a good way to find out, though, where you might want to be putting your efforts.

H.

it seems that many people do not know how to be friends and you can not teach them or make them be good friends. I have two good friends and the rest are just people I know.

Isnt it funny how it works? You would think as an adult it would be easy to make friends. Unfortunately lately I have discovered its still a lot like high school. I have met some really great people recently, but to be honest, my only real true friends are the ones I have been friends with since I was little. I truly believe they were meant to be around forever and there is a reason we are still friends, because they are true friends. I have tried with some people, but really, between my husband, kids and the rest of my family, the only people I really make time for is my REAL friends, and Im ok with that. Its all I need. :)

You meet me. :) j/k

I think most adults have a similar problem. The people that don't put any effort into returning your friendship aren't real friends though. A real friend is hard to find and super valuable when you do.

Outside of my immediate family, my best friend is my cousin. We have a lot in common, kids the same age and we both give and take equally. When I had surgery she made me soup. When she bought a new house I kept her kids 3 days so she could move.

Out of the family all together I have a neighbor I've become close to and another gal I met when we worked together.

I don't know the trick. Just keep trying and don't lose hope. A real friend is out there for you. :)

I think if you took a poll of how many "true" friends each of us have the numbers would be quite small (0-3). These are the people that didn't disappear when life got tough, that like you even though they know the ugly stuff about you, and keep calling when you move 2000 miles away. These friends are the true diamonds and we each have a precious few.

Then there is everyone else. The ladies at work that you enjoy having lunch with, the people you can have over for a game night, or that you bbq with in the summer and all the kids have a great time. You have fun with these people, you don't have expectations of them being there for you, and if they turn up in times of hardship maybe they move into that inner circle of the precious few. Nobody starts in that inner circle, they grow there over time.

I think you need both kinds of friends in your life. I also think, as someone below mentioned, that to have true friends you have to be a true friend. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have boundaries. If you find that your are visiting friends in the hospital, or crying with them through the hard times, to find yourself alone in your times of need, I don't think that is true friendship.

It was a hard lesson to learn for me to let go of the ones who take and take, but give nothing in return. I had one friend in particular I stayed a lot longer than I should have because of the "we have been through so much together thoughts." She was there for me through all of my happy times, even in the room when my daughter was born. When things got rough, I dropped everything and was there for her. Unfortunately, that was never reciprocated.

The answer to your question in short, is be yourself. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It won't always be reciprocated, but do it anyway. When it is reciprocated, you know you have a real friend.

Excellent question, Heidi. I think it is hard to make friends when you have young kids (I noticed you do, as do I) and have a very busy life, and in my case, no money for a part time sitter or nanny. I am part of a moms club, and what I have noticed is that the moms who have the most friends have plenty of money (for sitters and/or daycare), lots of leisure time, and only 1 or 2 kids. Well, in my case, I have 3 small kids with no extra money for sitters or daycare. This one woman who used to be in my moms club is a millionaire (she is a stay at home mom, of course - her husband is the one making millions, doing what, no one knows - that is an entirely different story). Anyway, not only does she have millions, she only has 1 kid!!! She has a nanny, of course, and she truly is a woman of leisure. She lunches with friends everyday, gets manis/pedis/, etc. So of course a person like her will have a lot of friends. So now back to Planet Earth - people like you and me have a lot on our plate, and are not able to be women of leisure and have nothing better to do with our time than make/visit with friends all day long. I am simply too busy to make a ton of friends. However, I am very grateful for a few of the moms in my moms club with whom I consider to be true friends.

I am sure you will make more friends as your children get older and your life gets easier. In the meantime, do you have a neighbor that you would like to get to know better? If so, invite her over for coffee one morning. Or, invite her and her husband over for drinks one night.

Just be yourself, be positive, and don't gossip about or trash/talk anyone, and you will do just fine in life. It's hard, I know. Life is extremely difficult. Best wishes and please hang in there, I know how you feel.

Hi Heidi,

Your question saddens me. Sounds like you are lonely. I don't have much advice because honestly with friends you shouldn't have to "try" at all. I wish I could offer more advice than "be yourself, place yourself in positive enjoyable places that are open to meeting friends (some of my best friends are through my children's activities), and it shouldn't require anything more than being the person you are.

Sorry I can't be more help...I am a pretty outgoing person and I make friends almost everywhere I go because I approach people and engage them...then draw correlations and similiarities from their experiences to mine. It is sort of a joke between many of my close friends that no matter where I go I find someone new with something to say. I can go up to a registration desk to sign my kid up for a sport tournament, and 30 minutes later I have the entire history of the other team, their coaches family life, and what the parent representatives hobbies are. I ask questions and always like hearing what other people have to say...and I am pretty empathetic and open minded. I have found that EVERYONE has a story if you are willing to listen.

Sorry for my babbling... the idea of having to work for friendship just baffles me. I guess I am pretty lucky ;). I wish you luck!

I don't think I've ever TRIED to make friends, it's something that just sort of happens on it's own when the time and circumstances are right. I seriously don't ever remember thinking "hmm, I want to be friends with that gal over there" and then tried to start a friendship.....
My friends were all created by certain environments that we met each other in and with time we found things we had in common, and next thing ya know you share phone numbers and such.
Check the environments that you are trolling for friends in, maybe the waters run too deep and you need to change ponds.

That is a very good question. I feel that everyone is so busy that they don"t make time for friends. We tend to let the facebook do it for us. Personally, I don't go there, because I don't feel that those are "fulfilling the need of human contact."

This summer I saw Lisa Welchel - "Facts of Life." She has a new book about how to make friends. http://www.lisawhelchel.com

Hope this helps.

J.

You have to be a good friend to create good friendships. I would see if there is anything you are doing that puts people off and change that and if not, change where you are seeking your friends. I don't specifically look for friends but I have met the most wonderful friends through common interest groups, church, bible studies, playgroups etc. Good luck!

M

Yep. It's very discouraging, isn't it? I try to engage others in conversation and instead it turns into a question and answer session. Or I go out of my way to do something nice for someone, and they may say thank you and even genuinely appreciate it, but it doesn't ever seem to bring us closer.

I don't have an answer. I am just working on trying to not ever have any expectations, and be happy with the friends I have.

I think it comes natrually, but try joining local mom groups and while the kids are playing you can start to get to know eachother as well. Chances are you will bond with one or more moms and you will get closer in time.

Don't try so hard, let it come naturally. Don't be pushy either. Like others have said, don't expect much, but give as much as you would like to receive back.

Good luck.

I know what you mean. I started feeling that way in my 30's and it has gotten worse in my 40's. Ive just started to retreat into myself because I just got tired of hearing the "Im busy" excuse. Hell, were all busy - jobs, kids, spouses and in some cases (like mine) a return to school but I make time for whats important to me. Spending time with my sister friends keeps me sane and I know because I havent been getting that much in the last couple years, that it has had a dire effect on my attitude. I scream at my kids over the littlest things and I hate my spouse. I cant even control the outbursts because I just dont get any stress release anymore. I dont know why women feel like they have to give all to their families at the sake of their friendships.