Kids Want Dad Gone

P., I think that having your children speak with a child psychologist may help figure out why they are having the feelings that they do about their father. When a child develops a sudden hatred for a parent, it could be they are picking up an attitude from the other parent, or it could be far more sinister. But it is seldom for no reason. Please don't let this continue without the help of a professional, because it could damage their future relationship with their father, or it could be something that is hurting them right now. Don't delay, please seek help for your children. I was in an emotionallly abusive marriage for many years, if I had picked up on the prompts of my son I would have realized sooner how damaging it was to me, and how it damaged him. I never dreamed that my ex had been emotionally abusive to my son, he only did it when I was not there, but my son avoided his father. I have caused my son a lot of problems dealing with his mistrust of authority figures, with anger control, and with the hatred that he feels towards his father to this day.

P.,
Your story seems to be very much like the one I grew up in. My father sounds just like your husband. I don't want to say it, but I felt the same way about my dad as your kids do about theirs. From my point of view, they don't like seeing you go through the things that he is putting you through. Your children are old enough to understand when something isn't going well. It seems as though they are tired of seeing you go through this. I remember specifically, my mom and dad were going to try it one more time, and my brother and I were in the backseat of the car crying and saying that we didn't want to go back because "dad was mean." Kids are alot more perceptive than what you think. If you need to talk about it to anyone please feel free to email me. My email is ____@____.com and your children are in my prayers!

B.

Hi P.!

It may be best that you move on with your life, just you and the kids. It seems to me that he really has no interest in improving himself and I know you've probably heard this before "you can do bad by yourself." Put him out, change the locks, change the security code on the alarm, etc. Get a restraining order if he's threatening you.

When I left my children's biological father, I had to get papers to keep him away from me as he would call and harass me at both jobs and just "show up" out of no-where. I left because he hit me, once was enough...but he wasn't pulling his weight in the household or anything else on top of that. I was working 2 jobs, cleaning, cooking, etc., etc., while he was content to work overnight at K-Mart and spend the rest of the day drinking and smoking cigarettes with his friends. When I left he wasn't stupid enough to come where I lived because my whole family was there. It was the best thing I could have done because he is still the same: 40-something with no job, no house, divorced again and past his ears in debt, and a leech...STILL...5 years later.

You need to think about bettering your life for your kids, your sanity, their sanity and just overall physical and mental health. It seems hard in the beginning, but it's not as bad as it seems to be a single mom. Get the kids in sports, you'll find other moms to hang out with and vent to (like here) and just take it one day at a time.

One more thing, no matter if the kids just see a guy pick you up, they need not see anyone. Not until you know that person will be in your lives for forever or at least for a long time. My most recent "ex" and I broke up after 4 1/2 years, but he is their "dad" so he still does the daddy thing, etc. But I don't date anyone, I'm not sure about him, but he wouldn't bring them around her right now if he is. We discussed that.

My co-worker went through similar things growing up and she said it is not a healthy situation for both you and the kids. She said she has no words to describe it, but she and her siblings "hate" their father because of everything he put them and their mother through.

Good luck!

They probably dont trust him not to leave again and are trying to protect their hearts.

I think your children are pretty young still and they might just be making irrational short term decisions to deal with this the best way they know how. How was their relationship before you guys split? If generally hes the bad guy in the parenting, it might have been easier for them to say they dont care. If they didnt have many relationship problems with their dad before, its likely that they are doing what they think you want them to do, and that is to be on "your side" of the argument. Just make sure you do a lot of family things together and keep the peace in the house, and ask the kids to talk to you and him.

Could be that they feel resentment toward him for leaving the first time and are acting out. They may fear that he is going to leave again and the easiest thing for them to do is not get used to having him around again. I really don't have any advice, I hope that things work out for you and your husband, and that the kids can adjust back to having him in their lives full time. Good Luck.

Hi P.,
i think ive been down this road somewhat. It seems like the kids that you take care, love and cherish while he is absent doesn't like him much. they've seen him come and go it isn't stable for them or you. these kids feel what you feel when he is gone. yes they may want him back home but at the same time they don't want to go through with getting attached and then attached again. they adjust to when he's gone and then BAM! they have to switch right back to well he's home again, and here we go again. he isn't taking their feelings in to consideration, either he's going to be there with you all the way and do what you do when he's gone and gain their trust back so they won't feel the way they feel. i know i has to bother you as well, seeing you kids feel this way about their father. maybe you could reevaluate what more important in you and your kids life, stability or constant chaos. i wish you the best and good luck!

hi P.,
it's really easy. kids are 7 and 6 years old. they know about stuff. maybe not a lot but enough. you've done plenty of ins and outs in a pretty short time. dad's gone and they dealt with feelings of you guys not being together anymore. new guy in and out (it really doesn't matter whetehr they saw him once or many times, they got the idea mom's with someone), then new guy out and dad come in and not just in but in the house again. so now they have to deal with those feelings.
it's great that you and your husband are trying to work things out but in meantime you have to consider the kids and the changes you bring into their lives. give them time now to get used to the husband although if i were you i wouldn't have let him move in without trying to work things out or go to counseling. what if things don't work out? he's out of the house again? then new guy?
i don't want to sound judgemental although ki realize that's exactly how it sounds. bottom line; consider kids' feelings
vlora