Leaving a Stressful Life

I honestly cannot believe you (and your husband) would break up your family, stress your children by divorcing, over CHORES?!? Is it really worth doing that to your children... they are so young!? I work full time (from home) and do ALL those things you mentioned. I do not mind because I know my husband does other things around the house that I don't even have to think about.. like mowing, taking care of the house, paying bills, etc., etc., We each contribue in different ways. I take pride in taking care of my husband and my family.

I'm just beside myself on how easily people will/can walk away from a marriage when children are involved.

Try having a different attitude towards your husband even if you aren't "feeling" it...fake it. I suggest trying that for a little while, if only a week, and see how he responds... You know what they say.. you can catch more flys with honey :-) I would also suggest you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. The title might catch you off guard, but it's an awesome book!

I wish you much luck and I hope you can work things out for the sake of your precious children.

I had to write you, because after reading your response, I was amazed at everything you are going through!! Although, I myself have not ever had to expierence a situation like this, I can sympathize w/ you!! I think that every marriage is different and that there is nor right or wrong as to what one person should do, instead, I feel that you probably know exactly what you need to do, but doing it may be the hardest part. My suggestion is to first think about you- are you sincerly happy, want to make things work, see yourself happier in another situation, do you feel as though the situation you are in will be better if you stick it out or get worse,ect. These are things you need to way out to help you decide where you stand. Also, in order to fully be happy and make your childrens lifes happy- you have to first be happy yourself (which to me sounds like you are miserable!!). List those things that make you happy, how many of them involves your husband and how many of them doesn't?? How many of those things do you actually get to do w/ your husband or does he want to do??? One thing that you did mention is him wanting to go shopping w/ another female instead of you- I think this may be one of those things you need to think about as far as his true feelings when it comes to your relationship, because it has been my expierence that things in a loving, healthy relationship dont happen like this! How are your children re-acting to the enviornment around them?? (Thats the next thing you need to consider!!) Alot of the childs enviornment they are in can have an ineviable effect on them even later in life and what they view as a healthy relationship. When do your children seem most happy and least happy, consider this also. Finally, I do not feel that is solely your responsibilty to take care of everything in the household including all the chores or being up all night. I also feel that it is solely not your husbands place to control all the money or where it all goes in your household, including what other people may want to give you or your children. Marriage is diffently a partnership, somthing that two people manage equally together and both have a vested interest in. I think that if you have recieved counseling and have had talks w/ your husband repeatidly that are basically going no where, you need to consider all options and depending on the things mentioned above, decide what your next course of action is or will be within your marriage. Afterall, life is short and everyones happiness, including your husbands, matters!! I wish you the best of luck and hope you can somehow make the right decision for you!!

Dear A., I have been in your shoes, and I can tell you that it's better to work out your differences than split the family. My husband and I have been married 15 years, and we have three kids right in a row like you do (12, 11, 10). We have gone through about three very rough patches, and it will make your marriage stronger, and your children stronger, to work it out. It really doesn't matter, at this stage of your life, if you felt pushed into marriage too soon, or if you feel like you had kids too soon, or had to grow up too soon. You made those choices, for better or worse, now you need to deal with your choices in a healthy manner, and quit looking back...you need to look forward, your children depend on you to make this work.

Here are some suggestions, from my heart. First, you seem to have lost all control of your boundaries. No one can make someone do something they don't want to do. Stand your ground and DON'T do them. If you feel the chores are unevenly split because you are working, first consider if you REALLY need to work. Can you do something else to make money on the side? Do you really need the extra income? There are many reasons for justifying working outside the home (and sometimes if we add up the expense of it, we're not making much $$ at all). Why, in all honesty, does your husband believe the hardwood floors need to be cleaned every day? Can you not just run a swiffer over them and call it good? It sounds as if you are maybe trying to take on too many things at once. Three small children, working, starting school? What's going to give in your life first? The marriage? The well-being of your children? Your sanity? Maybe it should be something you're DOING, instead. (I read an awesome book entitled "Boundaries". I believe it saved my sanity!)

Second, get some counceling, as seperate individuals, and as a couple, and don't let money be an issue, if you can't go to a professional councelor, ask around at different churches, there are pastors who are awesome counselors (and there are some who are not), find one who is great, and others recommend. It will do wonders for your marriage to find out how each of you ticks, and how to communicate effectively (counceling saved our marriage more than once). Your children are not sleeping through the night anymore because your house is not peaceful and mom & dad aren't getting along. Their little world is upside down.

Third, what is going on at home when you're not there? How can your husband feel that it's ok to take his parents out for an expensive dinner and not you? How can he feel it's ok to take a "woman" friend shopping and not you? Is he getting closer to this woman than he is to his own wife? If he is, he's put himself in a precarious position. Begin putting your marriage first in all your decisions. Remember that when God put Adam & Eve together, he said it was "very good". The family is established when you become husband and wife, the children are just a bonus. Don't make your children the center of your life, make your marriage the center of your life, and your children will learn how to have a healthy perspective on life. Putting children as the center of your marriage will only make them selfish, and make the two of you grow further apart.

Here is another thing that worked well in our house....get rid of all the extras, declutter, and if you haven't used it in a year, get rid of it. If your kids have too many toys, have a yard sale. It's amazing how much better my kids get along, now that the toys have become a non-issue. The fewer they have, the less they fight. The more they have, the more selfish they become. Ask grandparents to purchase clothes, shoes, jackets, savings bonds, or purchase tickets to a nice outing for the kids for gifts, instead of toys (one of the best gifts my in-laws gave my kids for a birthday was the money to go to kids' camp this summer). Explain how the house is cluttered, the kids fight, and it's getting in the way of your marriage. Believe me, they want your marriage to succeed, they'll do anything to help.

If you need to talk, feel free to e-mail me off-line. Like I said, I've been where you are. I can't believe we're still married after 15 years, but all those ups and downs, we worked through them, sometimes in a healthy way, sometimes not, but if you feel like you're losing your identity...you need to get it back, and the first place to start is by putting boundaries back up. Be who you are, not who someone wants you to be. It's ok to be immature at times. One thing my husband told me he missed was my laughter, well I couldn't laugh much when he expected me to be someone I wasn't!

I hope I've helped, and encouraged you. Life is too short to live an unhappy life, but it's also too easy to call it quits. Fight for your marriage, and put your foot down. It sounds like he does that to you an awful lot. What are you afraid of when you stand up for yourself? Think that through for a moment, and then take control of that fear and begin fighting for your husband and for the stability of your marriage for the sake of your children.

Best of luck, and I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.
S.
p.s. I can recommend our counselor. She really got to the bottom of our problems. My husband is ADD and had anger issues. I had anger issues from growing up with an abusive father, and a mom who was sick all the time and died from cancer when I was only 18. We had never learned how to deal with our problems in a healthy way, and had no idea how to communicate. After almost 2 years of counseling (and our kids, too), we have a very healthy marriage. We still have our little fights. Everyone will, but now we've learned how to say "no" or "I don't like it when..." or "you were just rude to me" or "you just really hurt my feelings when you said..". Believe me, you have to have the right counselor for your marriage. Someone who will get to the root of the problem....not someone who just tells you how you SHOULD be with each other...but someone who tells you why you are the way you are and how to work around that.

Hello A.,

You are obviously going through a very stressful time in your life. Trying to take care of your children, work, be a good wife and find some time for yourself is a challenging task. I think what you're describing isn't all that uncommon. My husband for one has very traditional ideas about what men and women are supposed to do. Even though I work 40 hours a week he still relies on me to take care of the kids and our home. And there are times when I get tired and frustrated but I do the best I can and have made it clear to him that is all that I can do.

It sounds like you've made the first step in sitting down and talking with your husband about your unhappiness. It doesn't sound like he feels much better about the situation. I encourage for the sake of your three children to try and work on your marriage. Ask your husband what his expectations are of you and do the same of him. Try to come up with a compromise that you can both live with. Even though you may have gotten involved/pushed into this relationship before you were ready you have since had two more children. Try to open lines of communication and rediscover your relationship. There has to be some positive aspects that you can draw upon.

I just feel that too often divorce is seen as this wonderful escape if a relationship gets too hard. But honestly divorce really doesn't solve any problems. In fact, I imagine that you will be doing 100% of the housework, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids as well as providing more financial support once you leave your husband. Doing all of those things and starting school will be even more difficult without the support of your partner. I am obviously pro-marriage. Couples that have been married for years tell you that there are ups and downs in every relationship and right now you are going through some of the most difficult years. I guess it all comes down to how committed you are and if your needs outweigh the needs of your family. It sounds like you already have your bags packed. Whatever you choose I wish you luck.

Hey sis. I am glad to see you finally decided to check this out. I told you it was a great thing to have other women to lean on. As someone who knows you very well I just want to say. I love you very much and I know you guys have tried a long time to make this work...with couseling as well. I am tired of seeing you get treated like a slave. You are his wife and you are not lesser than him. You work just as hard as he does and deal with the kids all day. If you decide to leave I am here for you. You know I will always support your decision. I love you and I will still continue to pray for you and the kids!

Hi A.,

I don't know if you are doing right or wrong, all I can say is that I agree with you 100%.

You sound very young, you have a life to live and be happy in it!
My husband works and I stay at home, according to him, I have to do everything, he mows the lawn (that is his excuse even in February) Never ever helped me on anything, not even when I was working, I did work even more hours than him and still wouldn't help, now with 2 kids....decided to stay home, I started to do a part time business from home to make a little extra so I don't have to ask always!

An other thing is that you had all your kids without a break, that is not only very tiresome for the mother but also your hormones are probably very unbalanced, it happened to me with every child (I thought I was going to end up crazy).
I know it will be tough for the kids, but there are divorces everywhere and the kids are fine.

My advice would be to try (if possible) a counselor, if you can both go and explain, they will give you the best advice and may be even give your husband a kick where it hurts the most! :) Some insurance covers that.

I would say it can be a good first step and according to what they tell you both, see if there is a better way to do things.

I am doing good now, he works I do the stuff around the house and do my biz and he complains but I don't listen too much or replay with an ironic way that at least doesn't make me angry or ruin my day, he got used to it now so he hardly complain :)
Please let us now how you are doing and if I can help on any way.

Take care!

Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com

Adrea,

I was in the same situation about a year an a half ago, the only thing different is that we were engaged not married. But he acted the same way, and I worked full time 6 days a week 60 hours and for the first 5 months of our son Austin's life he didn't. And I was expected to come home; clean, cook, do laudry, take care of our son, ect. He did nothing,I would have to come home and clean up after him. Niether one of us were happy and all we did was fight. I didn't want our son to be in the middle of that all the time, so I left him and it was the best decision I have ever made. I do not think you should feel guilty at all because you are looking out for your children, and they should always come first. And being in a unhealthy relationship is not good for you either. I say leave him and don't look back and regret anything. Think of it as a learning experiance....

M. A.
Mother of a 2 yr old.

A.,

I am so sorry you are going through a horrible time! While I do agree with you that things should be more fair in your household, I would agree with the other respondants to try counseling. I having just one child at home and know how challenging it is when there are two of you, I can't imagine how hard it would be to have 3 at home alone.

I can suggest two counseling options. One is a local guy who focuses on Marriage and Family therapy, Brad Nowlin (www.bradnowlin.com). My husband and I have gone to him and still go back and meet with him on occassion. Keep in mind that meeting with a counselor isn't an overnight fix.

The second option is a Christian-based crisis counseling center in Branson that helps couples in crisis with weekend intensives called National Institue of Marriage (http://www.nationalmarriage.com/). My husband and I went to a seminar that NIM put on at a local church and the counselors seems great to us. Very compassionate and very pro-marriage. They have helped hundreds of couple with failing marriages turn around.

I will be praying for your family.

i can relate somewhat, i'm considering leaving too. all i can say is make sure you have all the supprot you can get, and don't be afraid to ask for help - you deserve it.

Adding kids to a marriage typically does cause the chores to be divided by gender. Both of you have to work at making sure some of it lands back on his lap.

Unfortunately it appears you have a husband that doesn't want to participate in the marriage by helping with the house or the kids. It's his house and kids too, he helps make the mess (and the kids!) so he can help keep it up. It's called being an adult. Lawns are mowed once a week in the summer. Laundry is 2 times a week all year round. Same with washing cars. You don't HAVE to wash the car, but the kids need to be washed. And even if he is too busy with his own chores and work, he certainly doesn't appreciate you. It's one thing to refuse to make the dinner, it's another to demand that you have it ready by a certain time.

I'm sorry others here accused you of wanting a divorce over chores. It's obviously more than that (shopping without you, spending lots of money on a dinner you weren't at, etc.) It's a matter of respect and he's not giving it to you.

You have every right to stand up for what you believe in, and you deserve a happy life. We only go through this life once (that we know of!) so you might as well make it a good one. Being miserable for years isn't going to work. You owe it to your kids to do what's right for you. Believe me, they will be happier for it. My husband didn't help at all, and it got worse once we had a baby. I'd literally be changing the baby's diaper and the phone would ring and he wouldn't get it because he was watching 'Stripes' on TV (for the 20th time). So he moved out when the baby was 4 months. It wasn't until I looked back at her pictures that I realized she didn't smile as a baby, until around 5-6 months old. She could tell there was tension and it stressed her out - even at that age.

In the meantime, routines are a good thing, getting kids to help as they get older is good too. Setting priorities is even better. The house DOES NOT need to be cleaned daily unless someone in the household has asthma or allergies. And there's nothing wrong with some dinners being hot dogs and fruit. OR tuna salad sandwiches and celery. We all do what we have to do to get it all done.

So take care of yourself, then take care of the kids. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself!

Good luck
J.

I know how you feel. I have two kids and preg. with the third. I have a full time job and mine expects everything to be done to. I have learned a little trick. I make my own money so I save $20 back every week. I have a good friend that always needs money or wants to use my computer. When my house is beyond repair I call her and she cleans it while im at work. We tell my husband i did it. This helps a lot because after that you can just pick it up as needed. As for laundry if you wash everyone but his he will have to go to work naked!! tough luck huh? It also sounds like you two need a date night. Some say once a week. We try once a month to go out to eat or the movies or something of that sort. It helps you both relax.

If you do leave it will be hard on the kids. Eventually it becomes routine and a part of life. Remember not to talk bad about each other in front of the kids. They love both of you even if you don't love each other. Also don't play 20 questions when they get home from visitation. Its horrible. You can ask how their stay was and if they did anything exciting. Dont ask if they are seeing anyone or anything like that. Also remember your not in competition with one another so don't try to out do each other ok.
let me know if any of this helps or if you have other questions.

I read everyone's posts, and I just want to add that it sounds to me like this is about lack of respect, lack of "team-work," lack of consideration for your feelings, lack of true friendship - way more than "chores." I think counseling is a very good idea, but realize that you can go to counseling all day and all night, but if your husband doesn't want to participate, or doesn't think he's part of the problem, counseling probably won't work. Even so, I strongly suggest you go anyway, because the counselor will help you think through your own choices, make choices smartly, and deal with the emotional and other repurcussions that always come if you do decide to split.

And one more thing: I am totally with the woman who questioned his hanging around with a woman friend (shopping or otherwise) while you stay home with the kids. N-O! He's getting his female friendship (and possibly other) needs met outside of your marriage and that means the most important kinds of intimacy aren't available to you in your marriage.

Be strong. Know that whatever you do, there will be a long, hard path from where you are to a better place, but you WILL end up in a better place eventually... And let us know how things work out. God bless...

I think your husband is being selfish! You deserve to be happy and your children can sense if things are not smooth between you and your husband. I believe you also set an example for your children and if your husband isn't treating you with respect than your children will grow and think it is okay and may very well end up in the same situation you are now as adults. My best friend is recently divorced at first it was very hard for her son who was 5yrs old but he is fine now (7mo. later), her youngest was only 13mo old and adjusted just fine. You should follow your heart, only you now how truly bad it is or is not. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do.

Hi A.! I will say that I was kind of glad to hear your story. Not for your sake...but for mine. I was in the EXACT same shoes you are in now...except I only have a 2 1/2 year old. I couldn't imagine how stressed out you may be with 3 kids when I only have 1 and got the same kind of input from my husband. I worked 40+ hours, and was still expected to keep the house spotless. We have 3 dogs and a cat also. My husband works 10 hour days...so I understand him being tired and wanting to rest when he gets home...but doesn't he think that after 8 hours of work...when i actually have about and hour and a half total drive (so pretty much same length of day)...plus feeding, playing, changing, and raising a 2 year old would be more tiring than what he does??? No, he had no concept and ALWAYS went to his mom to complain. We were together 3+ years and I just left at the end of May. Our son was just getting into the "daddy mode" but let me tell you how much his attitude has changed and how much happier he is without all the stress that was around the house. I'm not telling you to leave if that isn't what you want to do...but I am telling you that if you decide to, then it isn't the worst thing in the world. I didn't want to leave...but i HAD to leave! My child is WAY more important to me than anything in the world...and to see him happy and in a stress-free environment is amazing to me!! I do still talk to his dad every once in awhile and he does see our son a couple times a week, but I am so happy right now and so is my son! Just something to think about and I truly wish you the best of luck!! I could never imagine how stressful you might have it. Like I said...I know I was stressed with 1 child and you have 3 that are very young. Please let me know how things go and write anytime if you need any advice!!

A.,
First off, hats off to you for having three children so close together and still being sane when you go to bed at night. My advice is that you should never stay with a man just because you have children with him. You should never make them watch the fighting between you two or make them endure the fighting. Little kids (no matter how little) can sense things...Your daughter is problem getting close to him because she can sense there isn't something going right in the household.

At 19, I had a child with a man that tried to control me and tell me who I could see, what I could do and got if I spent my money on myself or my son. At the time we were together I was the bread winner in the family and felt that I could spend my money on who I wanted to spend it on and if it wasn't him.. he would get mad. He also felt that since I was the woman and his mother had cooked for him, did his laundry and picked up after him all his life and still does at 26 years old that I should be doing the same thing. So one day I told him that I wasn't his mother and I will not cater to him like he is my son. I gave birth to one child and it wasn't him. Needless to say, he didn't like that and started staying gone. I found him with another woman that is just like his mother. Thank goodness I was never married to him.

I left him and to this day which has been 2 and half years have had no contact with him.. he hasn't tried to contact me to see his son or anything. I feel that he tried to tied me down by getting me pregnant but he didn't know that it would just make me a strong woman and eventually would make me a better parent.

I feel like I have to do what is best for my child and if that means providing for them without a man so be it. Children that grow up in fighting households tend to keep the trend in their relationships.

I would say get away from him and raise your children the best way you know how. He doesn't seem to have you or your child in his best interest. To me, he is immature and still wants everything to be about him him him and when you have a family and children it can't be that way.

This is just my opinion and a little story of my situation. Hope this helps, if you ever need anything.. send me a message and we can talk.. I dont mind..

A. I think you should do whats in your heart. My husband works 14 hours a day and on his days off he didnt do anything with our 8 month old daughter until I yelled at him that I needed help. But sometimes things dont change. Were you in love with him when you married him, If so then could you go to marriage councling? I wish you had better support at home.

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. Have you suggested marriage counseling? I don't really have much advice on this subject. I'll be praying for you. You can always e-mail if you'd like someone to talk to. My e-mail is: ____@____.com

There seem to be some big red flags in your relationship. Female Friend? Controlling about the money? Going out with his parents without you? It is ultimately up to you what you do. I think at one time or another we have all felt fed up. Marriage and parenting is hard. However if you feel like you are living in a confining, potentially abusive situation get out! The kids will adapt. Divorce is painful, but sometimes necessary. Good Luck with whichever choice you make.