Leaving Him

I have never been involved in divorce myself but from what you hear the best thing to do for them would be to keep it civil and even friendly. I can't imagine how stressful and sad it is for kids to know their parents don't like eachother. And never bash eachother in front of the kids. While you may be able to go on from this man they will not-he is forever in their lives as their dad.

Hopefully their dad will still be a big part of their life. Young women need a good male role model to help them with their self esteem. When they dont have a male role model around puberty time they tend to fall for guys that are nice to them because they are craving that male attention.

My parents divorced when I was 10 so I can speak to this.

The adults in the relationship need to be at least polite to each other. When we had family events, it was extended family (grandparents, etc.) and dad was invited. It was very healthy and a good thing, I think.

NEVER use the kids as pawns.

If you can stay in the same school district, that helps (my parents moved us in the middle of a school year and that was hard). If you have to move, try to make it happen before or after the school year.

If you can live close enough to each other where visiting and attending kid-related things is convenient, do that. Just be mature - that will help a lot. If you can do family therapy, that would probably be good - I didn't have that 30 years ago.

If you plan on dating eventually (please take a few years to get to know yourself as an unmarried person), don't involve your kids until you both are talking engagement. And anyone you date seriously MUST understand that they are not just involved with you, they are involved with a family from the get go. My mother was a serial dater, and it was horrible. It sucks to feel like you are in 2nd place to some guy.

I wish you the best. As long as you love your girls, and show it; respect their feelings, but be the mom. Be the woman you want them to be.

Get them child Therapy.

A friend of ours, did this for her 2 kids, upon her divorce.
She said, this was the BEST thing she did for them, as a Mom.
Because, there is only so much a layperson can do, to help them adjust and work out any issues, as a child.
So beyond that, to her, it was a Mom's responsibility, to get Professional help for her kids, to help them the best.
She never, regretted this decision.
And it helped her kids, IMMENSELY.

Her kids, attended Therapy for 2 years.
And it profoundly, helped them.

Do NOT start dating until at least two years after the divorce is finalized and don't introduce your kids to the man until you are serious. Many get a divorce than go repeat the same mistakes.
Make sure you have your own attorney for the divorce. If you are lucky, your husband won't have a clause put in limiting where you can move(30 miles from the family home). Later, you might want to remarry and relocate and that clause would prevent it.

The best thing we did was share our lives. He could come to her soccer games and when she was at his house I could go to her games on those weekends too. She eventually lived with him so she could play competitive soccer and was traveling so much and I just couldn't afford it.

We are still friends. Her step mom is the best person I know. She grew my ex. up right...lol. I have stayed in their home overnight and go visit when I am in town every time. They are raising 2 out of 7 grandchildren, my husband and I have the next 2 living with us. We share a lot of memories and shared life experiences. Trying to compete with each other only makes it harder.

Keep the battles over stuff that is not the kids business from them is good too. They don't need to know dad is doing this to get that or that you are doing such and such to get some thing too. That only confuses them and they take sides then hurt inside for doing so.

I know the biggest thing I did wrong when I divorced. I got involved with a man only two months after my divorce because I was afraid of things to come. I did not know how strong I could be and the greatest thing for your kids is to let them see you be strong and independent. It is going to be hard and it is easy for you to feel sorry for yourself. I suggest you look at it as a new beginning. Keep things civil between their father and yourself. Never use the children as pawns. It is easy to do since that is the easiest way to get at him but only the kids will suffer. The girls are at hard ages right now and things will seem confusing to them because they are starting to have all the hormones flowing. Try to go to family therapy. I know it can be expensive but work it out if it can be. It would be the best thing. I never did this and my daughter made it through just fine but my son has a few lingering issues. Keep the lines of communication open. Kids sense a lot of things and it may be possible that the girls knew things were bad. Give lots of hugs and kisses. You can always PM me if you need to talk. It will be a trying time but keep you head up. Get a lawyer right away or you can do the process on line. This will be the best for you since if he gets the papers drawn up then he can have all kind of stupid stipulations put in there.

Being a single parent I'm sure is going to be very challenging. Take each step one by one and don't give up.

As far as your children are concerned, just keep reminding them that your divorce is not their fault, and that just because mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, doesn't mean that you both don't love them. You can love someone, but yet not be compatible to live with them. We all grow and change our needs as the years go by, and sometimes it just doesn't work out. Just keep imbedding in their head that you and their daddy love them no matter how close, or how far you are. :-D

One major hardships is holidays, visitation etc. Really try hard to be 'friends', or just 'civil' with your soon to be ex so that the kiddos don't witness the stress and feel that stress upon themselves.

Anything and everything you do from here on out, will affect your children. Just be careful of their feelings and you'll be just fine. :-) Best wishes to you.

Christina:

I'm sorry - it's a hard decision...

I would show and tell my kids I did the best I could to make it work - counseling, therapy, etc.

I would tell them that it is NOT their fault. They may feel like IF they behave better - things will be better...IF they get straight A's - then it will be alright...IF....they will throw a 1,000 if's at you.

They will get mad...at both of you..my daughter did - she was 9 when we divorced...man - the anger she had was real and huge. She accused us both of not living up to our vows (we have told her from a very young age that your promise is golden and it shouldn't be broken)...yeah - did that come to bite me in the butt...

I would do family therapy as well so that all the issues can be addressed by a NEUTRAL party...so you don't have the slippery slope and uphill battle...

You and your husband MUST keep the kids out of your divorce...it's not their fault.

Don't use your kids against your husband (no, I'm not saying you will but it happens)...

Prepare them for a move - if you can't keep them where they are

Don't say ANYTHING nasty or negative about your soon to be ex...when the kids are around, you two MUST be adults and work TOGETHER for them...

If he gets a new girlfriend or wife - then play nice....

If you have problems with what he is doing - you do NOT tell them what you think...YOU lead by example and keep a log of problems and address them with him when the kids are not around....

There's more...I hope this helps.

Do your girls have a good relationship with their dad? If they do, there is always a possibility that one of them or even both will want to go live with him at some point. That's tough. I've been there. My daughter is now 16 and has lived with her dad for the past four years. My daughter had a hard time with our divorce, but she's matured very well these past four years. I tried everything I could to keep her with me, but she wanted to live with her dad, made my life a living he!! to get her way. Now, she and her dad have had their differences in these past four years, but I refuse to take my daughter back when they fight. My theory is, you made your bed, now lie in it. I refuse to play these back and forth games of musical houses. If your ex is the type of man who believes that the kids are better off with him and makes you look like the bad guy, be prepared. You can go back and forth to court and waste tons of money in the process. Sometimes it's just best to let them go and let them learn things the hard way, and be a supportive co-parent to your ex while he's raising the kids. Some men will tell the kids that it's better to live with mom and support that position. To me, this is one of the worse case scenarios regarding divorce.

First of all, make sure this is what you want to do. I left my husband of five years last December and many times I have regretted leaving him eventhough my life is better. It will be bittersweet. Your children will have emotional ties that are binding. Hopefully their dad will play a big part in their lives because they are going to need it. In my first marriage my son blamed me until years later he actually saw his dad for who he really is. I pray you make the right decision.

Please do whatever you can to remain in each other's lives. This will only benefit your pre-teen girls. Don't try to move an inconvenient distance to make it impossible, don't bash dad, show your respect for him (you did make two kids with him). Encourage your girls to spend as much time as possible with him, they need their dad!!

Don't rush into a new relationship and when you do, keep him away for a long time. Your daughters are going to take those clues from you. You don't want your girls looking for a males attention in the wrong way and I have seen that way too often with families that don't put on a united front.

You are right, it is hard, it is heartbreaking. Keep the fighting to a minimum, work together, talk everyday and it can be a lot easier

First off, I am sorry. Knowing it is the right decision, doesn't make it any easier. Of course you know it will be hard for your children to understand and they will be angry, maybe very angry, off and on for a long time. You may know this too, but just saying it to be thorough...You and your husband will have to work very hard to be a united team to raise the kids; keeping your marital issue between the two of you. And last thing I can think of is getting everyone to a therapist to help work through it all. I wish you all the very best.

This is going to be a hard situation for every one involved.

First off, you need to make sure that you and your children are safe. Not saying that your husband is abusive, because I don't know the whole story or why you are leaving, but men can do crazy things when emotions get involved. Is it possible for you to have your parents, relative, or close family friend take the children for a weekend? Remove the children from the situation when you break the news to their father that the marriage is over. It is important that you are equipped with enough emotional fortitude to tell him clearly and calmly. You can't do this if your daughters are crying in the back ground.

If the children have a close relationship with their father, you need to ensure him and the girls that they will be able to have a continued relationship, but it will change a little because of the divorce. You and your husband need to come up with a visitation schedule that keeps the girls in an environment as close to the one they are in now. That means school, social activities, church ect... are not taken from them.

If you and you husband can manage to sit down and talk to the girls together, it may be better for all in the long run.

Honesty is the best policy:
1. Make sure that you and your husband are upfront about the split. Do not do the break up make up game. There needs to be clear boundaries and a realistic visitation schedule. This might be hard for the girls to adjust too, but it will be easier in the long run.
2. Make sure that you file a temporary custody schedule with the original divorce paper work, so that neither one of you can take off with the kids. This is a life changing event and people do strange things.
3. Make sure that you get the girls and yourself into a good family counselor. This will give you all a safe out let during this process.
4. Remember to breathe. There will be tough days when the girls want to rebel or act out. You need to remind them that you are human and even though your marriage didn't work out that there is such a thing as true love. Never talk badly about their father in their presence and don't allow others to do so.

Remind them every day that they are loved and that even though you and your husband do not live together they still have two parents who would do anything for them.

You and your daughters need to be able to talk openly and process your feelings in a neutral environment. I think it's a good idea to find a good therapist to help you and your daughters. Another thought would be to participate in a divorcing family group.
Also, there are several online resources for divorcing parents. Two of my favorite are:
http://www.uptoparents.org/
http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/

My kids are different ages than yours but my soon to be 8 year old was upset that her daddy wasn't there to tuck her in at night. So specified times for nightly phone calls is good. My daughter also was very angry at me, because her dad told her i threw him out and that i didnt love him anymore. It was total bs, but i just told her mommy and daddy will always love you. We are always here for you. I listened a lot, because i really didnt know what else to say. Lots of hugs and kisses. A councelor said if you have 2 kids at least one of them will have issues from the divorce. So i guess counceling would help.
HAve your kids prepared for when they will get to see their dad, so they have something to look foward to and hope he shows up. Like a schedule. I have learned i have to have a plan b. If dad doesnt show up take them to the park or play a game, something to distract them from it.
Good luck to you and if you need anything let me know. it is a learning process for sure. I had to take a parenting class which really put into perspective what and how the kids are feeling.

Christina,

Is one of the reason you are leaving because your husband makes you feel "stupid"? Why will it be hard? (financially, your girls are close with their father, you have no where to go, he will make it hard on you, or you are afraid of him, you don't love him anymore, you never did love him, you got married too young, he's cheated on you, he's abused you and/or you children, you've found someone new)?

There are so many reason a marriage ends, your questions can be better answered if you can tell us WHY you are leaving.

Blessings.....

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time.
My daughter was 7 when her dad and I split. We had long talks about how it was between him and me, nothing to do with her. Kids often presume that they are the cause of a split. Make sure they know they aren't. Repeat this reassurance, not just one conversation.
Ask them what their fears are, and explain how things will work...how much time they'll spend with each of you and so on. Not knowing was one of my daughter's biggest fears.
Expect that one or both of them may be angry with you and/or your husband for splitting up the family.
Never ever say anything bad about their dad to them, no matter how tempting it may be. Make sure he agrees to the same rule. We did this, and it has been the best possible thing we could have done. (This is my oldest child, now 38, married, and a mom herself.) If you can't get him to agree to this, stick to it yourself. Remember that to your children both of you are their parents, and they don't need to hear bad stuff about either one.
Give them more of your time and energy than ever before. They don't have an adult perspective, and their whole world will be coming apart. It may well be the best thing for them in the long run, but it is going to hurt a lot in the short term.
I wish you all well.

WHAT'LL I DO?

Gone is the romance that was so divine.
'tis broken and cannot be mended.
You must go your way,
And I must go mine.
But now that our love dreams have ended...

What'll I do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do?
When I am wond'ring who
Is kissing you
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?

-- Irving Berlin, 1923