Hi Mamas, I was talking to my best friend yesterday and could not come up with anything to redsolve the dilemma that's stopping her to go on with her life. Sh'e been divorce for few years now (her husband left the marriage), she lives with a toddler boy who sees his father twice a year (he lives in France). She has always encouraged this relationship and lately it got even better because the boy can talk much better now and the Skype sessions with his father are making them even closer (side note: her ex threathened her many times to take him way from her or to disappear from the child's life while they were divorcing, so it's only thanks to her that this man can enjoy a blossoming child that knows who is his dad and has affection for him). For a year she has been in a relationship with a loving, committed, wonderful man that ADORES her and wants to marry her asap. He also has a boy and the children play together every other weekend when he has his son over. He has established a good relationship with Ryan (my friend's son) and has acted as a father many times for him as required by situation and as permitted by my friend. Problem is my friend doesn't feel she can make a family with a man that is not her child's father. She told me when they are all together with the children, she secretly feels like they don't belong, like it's not natural. This man would like a child from her and she'd like to give a sibling to her son BUT it feels too weird to her to have children with different fathers. She's also worried about her boy's feelings, if he's going to feel bad or left out or whatever. Her ex has been lately asking her to get back together but she doesn't love him anymore and thinks he's bad for her and would be bad for their child if they were to live together on a permanent basis.
How can I help her pass this blockage in her life? Is it fear of the unknown (blended family)? Is it feeling guilty for her son not having "the perfect family"? She has put this man on hold because she doesn't know what to do.
It sound like counseling would help. She needs to be happy with her life and then merge lives. Good luck
I agree with the others. All of the "it's weird to have children with different dads" and son's potential issues with feeling left out are all excuses. She is not over the first guy and has some very unrealistic "dreams" of what might have been or what still could be. This guy in France sounds like a controlling doofus who, if allowed back into her life, would act the same way and threaten the same things if he doesn't get his way. I always tell people that are "cuddling" dreams of their former significant others that "They are ex's for a reason". She needs to focus on that and examine her own feelings deeply. She probably would benefit from counseling, but a dose of reality from a friend can help in the interim. Seeing this guy on Skype is probably adding fuel to her daydreams (even unconscious ones) so she might want someone else to monitor the childs interactions with his dad for a while. The further away from him physically and in time she gets it will get easier. God bless you for caring so much.
Bless her heart. Unfortunately I really don't have any good "kind" advice. I don't want to sound mean or uncaring, but until she figures this out or gets over it, she's in for a lifetime of pain and being alone. IF my mother would have had those thoughts I would not have had a wonderful "dad" in my life when my father left us. I also would not have a 1/2 brother that I am not getting to share his life changing event of his first child in the next 2 weeks.
It sounds like she is risking a good thing because of her own issues. Her son is young enough that he will adapt, probably better at this age than later.
My advice I guess would be that she needs some kind of counseling. There are some un-resolved issues in there somewhere. Are her parents still together? Are there some sort of issues about being a divorced mother? Does she not feel worthy of happiness? Maybe she really doesn't feel that much affection for the second guy and she just doesn't realize it?
Good Luck. I will be thinking of her. Please encourage her to talk to someone, anyone to work some of this out.
Lori K
Hi P.,
The problem here is she is feeling exactly what she is supposed to be feeling. We are made to be monogamous and we are made to only marry once. This is natural. What you have to show her is there will be no more life for her if she doesn't get past this feeling. Her husband is the one who ended the marriage and she is doing nothing wrong by getting on with her life. With that said, this may not be the man for her. If she can't get past these feelings it would be unfair for not only her son but her boyfriend that wants to marry her. Time will be the only true healer.
God bless you!
M.
If he keeps her content and is good to her son, then she can't do much better. A child needs father figure in his/her daily life, not just on long distance calls.
I understand. I became pregnant before I was with the man I'm now engaged to, not knowing it when we got together, and we have one on the way. It's weird, I feel sort of skanky sometimes, having different fathers for the both of them. But there's only one they know as Daddy. I wonder sometimes if our oldest will be bothered about it, but I just hope she'll know that my soon-to-be-husband loves her in every way a daddy should, and that it's not her fault her father and I are not together anymore.
I think she would benefit greatly from seeing a counselor. It really sounds like she is afraid to love and be loved again. That she doesn't deserve to be happy. Not to mention I'm sure her son's father's attitude has a lot to do it with, maybe she fears he will threaten her again? But she does and it can happen. Her son will always have a father, no matter who she is married to. That will never change. But she can have a relationship with another man who can be a father figure to him just the same because his bio father is so far away. It can be scary to take a leap into a relationship when you already have a child, you don't want the other person to feel like that is the only reason you want to be with them, to help you take care of your kid. And depending on how long she was with her son's father, she maybe scared again that she'll get hurt which will also hurt her son again too. That's where talking to a professional about her feelings and making sense of it all can help her become more confident in herself and decision making for her and her son.
I left my daughter's father when she was only 6 months old. I messed around with him for a few years after that as well. I did date, trying to move on with my life and get past him but it wasn't until I went to counseling that I realized he was holding me back and it was not only hurting me, but would hurt my daughter as well as she grew up. It was a very bumpy road, but I was able to cut the strings from his except for issues regarding our child. It felt great!! I felt free and like I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I had dropped 8yrs of baggage off of my back and I couldn't had been happier. Or so I thought.......about 8 months later an old male friend of mine from high school called me up. He was going to be in the area for Christmas and was getting together with old friends and wanted me to join. We talked for hours on the phone, he about his soon to be ex wife, me about my daughter and my ex (my daughter's father and I were never married, just 8yrs together), etc. He and I never dated back then, nor was I ever interested in him like that either. But let me tell you, when I opened my front door that night when he came to pick me up, it was like all my prayers had been answered and God had put us together! It was a crazy week of spending time together and the rush of the holidays and soon he had to head back to SC. We talked on the phone a lot and made plans for me to fly down to see him the week of Valentines. We got engaged over that time and I packed my house, put it up for sale and made the 900 mile drive with my child to live a new life that March. I will now be married 6 very happy years come Nov this year. I have a 3yr old son with my husband too. My daughter was 3, almost 4yrs old when I made that move and she is probably happier now than I think if I would have stayed in Indiana.
My daughter was never an issue to my husband, he accepted her as part of me, my whole package. Even though her bio dad lives in MI, she only talks to him once a month and sees him over the summer. But my husband is more of a father to her and she knows it. He doesn't treat the children different because one is his and one isn't either. He probably spoils them both more than I like! lol But I took that leap of faith and moved away from everything I had known and moved 900 miles to be with a man that I hadn't seen in yrs to start a new life. I don't regreat one second of it either!!
Your friend has a chance at a new start, for her, for her son and this man is no stranger to children as he has one of his own. And that can be scary just as much as a great thing. Have your friend get some professional help to help her sort out her feelings and make sense of it all. If this man truly loves her, he'll wait for her and be understanding of her feelings.
Good luck to you both!!
S.
I hope your friend does not even give her ex a second thought, because any person who threatens to steal the child or abandon it, is NOT the person you want to make a family with. Divorce is hard even when it's on good terms, but using a child to hurt the other person reveals his/her true character as one of an immature, self-absorbed, and dangerous (unpredictable). Your friend has been incredible in keeping her son in contact with his father. But, as the others, have said, it is time for her to allow herself and her child to move on. Counseling seems to be the best course. She needs to figure out whether her hesitation with her current boyfriend is due to lack of deep affection or hang-ups with blended families. Introducing her to others with blended families might provide her with a support group that would allow her to ask questions and observe answers to her concerns. Whether dealing with a physical, mental, or emotional ailment, support groups always prove to be helpful. She needs to know that no one is going to point fingers or whisper behind her back, except to maybe say, "wow, she found a really good man. I am so happy for her!"
She could get counseling. However, it sounds like she is simply not ready. my sister has been divorced and remarried for 6 years and my ex-BIL stil hasn't had a meaningful relationship since. Some people take a long time to heal the emotional scars that come with divorce.
I actually think you friend is doing a good thing! Something doesn't feel right to her and she is listening to her intuition. Even though YOU may think the her boyfriend is the best guy ever, maybe there is just something that you don't know that irks her. I would be careful as well, especially since your description does make him sound a bit pushy.
Good luck!
Please direct her to good faith-based counselling. It really does change/improve lives. It will also give her more control which she probably feels she lacks right now.
God Bless!
Your friend is doing everything she can to stop the flow of love, of life. She has a man who adores her AND her son and she is wondering. Tell her that number one, he is filling the role of father to her child. It is a role, day to day in which the biological father is not involved. Her husband chose to leave. He chose to leave his son. Let them have what relationship they are going to have. She must understand that all children want is love. Adoration. Of course they want it from the biological parent, but sometimes that is not possible and they get the love elsewhere. At some point your friend will need to explain to her son that divorce happens and people move on. As for different fathers. It does not matter. The children were conceived in love and it is love that must prevail and be the focus. People divorce and remarry and make successful blended families all the time. There is no rule that says a woman can only make a family with one man. No, she does not need to reconsider going back with a man who has threatened to take her child. Period. Any child from her and her new boyfriend will be fine with her son. Just give kids the facts at age appropriate levels and they will be fine. No, she does not need t marry this man unti she overcomes her thoughts or she will contaminate the marriage. I strongly suggest she get blended families counseling. It will be worth the price. If she loses this boyfriend because of stories that only exist in her head, she is going to regret it later on. She does not know how lucky she is. Good luck. J. Gordon
If it feels wrong maybe something is wrong. Her instincts might be warning her about a future problem. I would encourage her to explore those feelings deeper to ascertain the exact cause. If this man truly loves her he will be willing to wait until it feels right for her.
Your friend needs to figure this situation out on her own, without pressure from her boyfriend or even well-meaning pressure from you. You might think you know what is best for your friend, but we don't always know the whole picture. Yes, blended families CAN work out well, but very often they do not. Children are something like 80% more likely to be abused by a step parent than a biological parent. This boyfriend may be wanting to marry her for his own sake, he may want help with his son, etc. It takes time to really get to know somebody and it is wise to proceed with caution, especially when their are two children involved. Any hesitancy your friend has is there for a reason, and she needs the time to seek wisdom and make the right choice. Also, this struck me as a little odd too, because you said her son is a toddler, yet she has been divorced for a few years now. So that appears that she has been confused about the boundaries of this relationship ending, especially if her child was born after they were divorced. Hopefully your friend will take the time she needs and not feel pressured, because the most important thing is to take care of her son, and take care of herself so that she can do that job well. There is no reason to feel like she needs to make any kind of decision... life is a long journey and there is plenty of time to sort through all of her feelings and no reason to rush into anything (and plenty of reasons not to). Take care.
I've read all the responses so far, and I agree with most of it. But to me, I think your friend feels that she doesn't deserve to be happy or that she is a failure because of her divorce. I do think counseling would help if she will go. Blended family's can be tough, but not impossible and most are the greatest. But, if she feels she has failed herself, her son or anyone else, then she's not going to move on. She needs you to help her understand that it was better to be divorced than to raise the child in a marriage that was awful. Her being happy is what's going to make her son happy. Her feeling like a failure will also fall to her son. He will think if he hadn't been born, maybe they could have made the marriage work one of these days......It's sad when people don't believe they deserve to be happy because of something that changed their life. As for the guy, I would guess that she really hasn't opened up to him and his son, nor even thought about it. Unless she is going to do something about how she feels, she is stringing this guy along. Being loved by someone is the best thing in the world, but if you don't love them back, you are hurting them even more. She needs to do some real soul searching. Is there a retreat or something she can go on without her son? Maybe you and her can take a "girls" weekend out........Be there for her and don't judge her, but try to get her to talk and listen closely to what she is saying, she may not even know why she feels this way. Ask questions, but don't give answers unless you feel you can help her see the issue. Good Luck and she is lucky to have a great friend in you.
she is not ready. she is aware that she will never get togetehr with her ex. she's a great mom for fostering a relationship between son and father, but if she is feeling weird about a blended family, that means she's not ready. tell her to continue dating the man, if it is meant, she will feel comfortable one day.
tell her also that her son would like to see her happy, and if she is happy with this man, her son will be happy too.
P.:
Your friend needs counseling. She has her head and heart wrapped about the past that she can't move on.
She's confused because she may not feel like she loves her ex anymore. but she's confused because he wants to get back together.
If she is thinking it's not natural with this new guy, it's entirely possible that it's NOT right for them. If she has to force something, then that's God's way or however you want to believe that it's not right.
Help get her counseling.
Sounds like she is not ready. You can't talk her into it if she doesn't feel it.
My husband is one of four siblings. They have three different fathers. They all have known this all their lives. He talks about his brother and sisters, not his half-brother and half-sisters. He loves them dearly, and it's because they have created a culture of love in their family. Heck, I married in and I sometimes feel closer to them than I do my own family!
I think the situation is what you make of it. If she really does not love her ex, and she thinks the man she's been with for the past few years is wonderful, I can understand why she would be hesitant. But it's also an opportunity to teach that family comes in all packages, whether related by blood or not.
