Live in In-laws Help

I have a close friend in a similar situation. She is a wonderful person and a fun, caring mother. She often feels bad that her child is much more attatched to his grandparents. I never have the heart to point it out, but she has created the situation herself by allowing her parents to take over from the beginning. It was their pleasure to fawn over a baby, and very easy on her to enjoy the freedom of a live-in nanny situation.The problem when you share parental responsabilities is that you share parental attatchment as well. I agree with some of the other posts - if you want to be the one your son comes to and is attatched to, then you need to work hard to meet all of his needs yourself. If he wants a snack you get it, and make it fun. Same goes for bath, potty, playtime, everything. Sure, many kids just have to wait if 'mommys busy right now'. But, yours doesn't have too because grandmas there. You can't ask her to ignore him if your busy, how can she? So, you'll have to deal with the situation until you are one day on your own or work really hard to be available when he needs you every time.
I know this is a difficult situation. It's hard to be the disciplinarian and in charge of the tough stuff but not get to feel the reward of being number one. Good luck.

I'm confused on why you are all living there, especially after all this time. I love my mom but I'd rather live in a refrigerator box under a bridge and collect welfare before I'd live with her! LOL I'd find anyway possible to get out of there, even if it's a dumpy one bedroom apartment. When you live under someone else's roof, your say goes down the toilet, and your efforts to raise your child is compromised, even if you have loving and well meaning grandparents. If it's your home you can tell people to the point what to do and not to do with your child and tell people to leave if they don't like it. It sounds like you've become way too dependent on the grandparents. Move out ASAP. I think 3 years is plenty of time to save up money to get your own place.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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The good Book instructs that when a couple get married, that they separate from all others and live apart, creating a new family. This is the only way obviously that things work out like they really are supposed to. What's found in the Instruction Manual is ALWAYS what works best for one's good. Then the children aren't confused as to who should be first and where the main authority likes in their family.

i didnt live with my grandparents i lived a mile away and i always wanted to be with them rather then at home. some of the best memories of my young life were being with them. as a parent i know it is hard to feel "put off" by our children. i guess i dont know your whole situation, but i say let him enjoy grandma and grandpa while they are around. you could try to do "family" things just you your husband and son go out to dinner once in a while go to the park or zoo so that you can get the one on one time.

D.:
I do agree with Pam. It is challenging enough to live with our spouses; therefore, more challenging to live with any in-law member. Likewise, you and your family are living with your in-laws and not the opposite. That is, you are the subject of their rules or/and conditions, implicitly. In order for you to really solve the problem and not create a harsh environment with you MIL, you should move out. It is not easy considering the economy. However, have not you had enough time to save money for almost 4 years in order to have you own place? This is the chance for many people to find great deals on the house market with so many foreclosures and people wanting to sell their houses. It seems to me that your side of the story is not completed. There are missing pieces.

Hi, D.:

As soon as I get finished with my 640 class at IIRP in Bethlehem, I will be able to hopefully, be more helpful.

Since I have to wait, I will suggest that you attend your
nearest Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting to help with
boundary setting.

www.coda.org

Good luck. D.

Let me challenge you. It's been FOUR YEARS!!!! You have a child. It's time for you and your husband to do whatever is necessary to build a life of your own. Will there be sacrifices? Absolutely...but...one of you should pick up an extra shift...an extra job...some more education...whatever you need to stand on your own 2 (4) feet and take financial responsibility for yourselves and your child.

I recommend that you get a Dave Ramsay book from the library asap. I always say there are two kinds of people in the world: ones that 'life happens to' and ones that 'happen to life'! Your first sentence sums up the main problem. You need to get financially stable and then all of the other issues will fade away. Good luck!

You are my age exactly. I just wanted to give you a little confidence. You can move out, it will be tough at first but you will be fine. I had my first child when i was 18 and the second when i was 19. At 18 i got my own apartment and have been with the same man all these years. We now have a nice house in a great town with four kids. It is not always easy but absolutely worth it. I wanted to tell you this to let you know that you can do it. Otherwise the other posts are right. You do not have as much say with you child when you live with the inlaws. You guys would get along so much better if you were not depending on them.

I do wish you the best of luck. It will be a big step for you but very worth it.

I think that you need to explore why he goes to them instead of you. Please take an honest look at yourself. Perhaps there is something to the comment from your MIL??? I would have to guess there is..sorry.

You CANNOT have it both ways. You are living with your inlaws and I am guessing you are more than happy many times to let them help out. Well, if a child is having his needs-both physical and emotional-met by someone then that's who they are going to go to. You can't just "choose" to jump in when the feeling hits and expect him to respond.

I will suggest that you make the effort to become the primary caretaker of your child. For at least 2 weeks you do EVERYTHING for him. You bathe him, you feed him, you play with him and you don't go out without him. See if that makes a difference.

Please do not forget that your inlaws are doing you a humongous favor letting you live with them. It is important that you treat them with the respect and the gratefullness that they deserve.

Hmmm... so is the problem that he misbehaves for you or just that you are jealous of the amount of time he wants to spend with them? Are they allowing him to do inappropriate things?

My parents lived with my grandparents until I was a year or two old. Even after we moved out... I still loved to spend time with them and spent many a weekend there. I have good relationships with my parents and my grandparents and ... aside from a rebelious stage in my teens ... always have. As long as he is behaving for you and them, let him spend time with whomever he chooses within reason.

Sounds like they are trying to be good grandparents and parents. They want to spend time with him probably as much as you do. He will not love either of you anymore or less in the end. As long as they are not contradicting you in discipline or in the things that you are doing with him and making sure he behaves himself... what's the harm if he spends a little extra time with them.

Kids are fickle and their preferrences change with the wind.