I just recently got ingaged to the love of my life. He has a 3yr old son who lives with us and I have a 6yr old daughter and a 5yr old son whom also live with us. We have been trying to make things work for everyone but I have noticed some things that are beginning to bother me. Here recently his son has been acting out and tearing up things, like DVD's, tapes and other things that can be expensive to replace. He has also started acting out at the baby sitters and at home, by talking back, throwing things and such. I belive that it may be the change that might be causing this behavior but my fiance seems to think that my two children are showing him bad behavior. Now grated my two are older but still get attitudes and talk back, which is typical from a child. I can't deal with the fact that he blams my kid's for his son's behavior. He has told me that if things don't change then we may have to go our seperate ways for his son's safety. I am wondering what to do about this or if there is even anything that I can do about this? I love him and his son but I can't sit here and let him blame me or my children for his actions. My children are being punished in a way for all of this, because his son has torn up about 10 movies that belonged to my children and has tried to flush my daughter's toothbrush down the toilet and has ruined my DVD player. So now my kid's don't have access to their movies, nor a television, when they have always had that. They have never torn up their stuff and know right from wrong, but will try to push buttons, which is expected from children of any age. The other issue that kind of upset me was that right after we moved into our house, my son came into our room and got in bed with us. My fiance told him no and took him back to his room screaming.....now the flip side to this is that 2 nights later his son woke up crying and he told his son to come get in our bed. That really upset me and I went and slept in the living room. I don't play that game with his child. I treat all of them the same and I don't feel it is right to tell one child no and let the other one do it. I want to make this family work and have it as one, but I am struggling on how to do so. Please help.
Sounds like the 3 y/o has had a good model of manipulation and immaturity. Your fiance threatens to separate because he fears for his son's safety and he is blaming a 5 y/o and 6 y/o for his son's behavior. Threatening and blaming instead of seeing reality and looking for constructive ways to correct behavior would be warning signs for me that he may not be the best person for you or your children.
I will tell you from personal experience that a blended family is NOT easy... I have a 7 yr old son and my husband has a 7 yr old son from previous relationships...(we also have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter together) but we got his son a week after we moved in together because his mother just called out out of the blue and said come take him and so my husband didnt ask questions he just went and got him (she lives in another state thank God) anyway we have had him for 4 yrs well a little over now and its gotten some easier but he does NOT want to live with us and he is very distructive and he causes alot of problems and constantly stays in trouble at school and at home!!! I still have yet to find anything that works as far as discipline goes and its so odd because the boys are like night and day different... and my husband actually treats my son better than his because my son is so well behaved but besides the point I try to treat them the same its not always easy but i try and it doesnt sound like your fiance is very loving or fair to your children and that definitely needs to be addressed!!! I would NOT be with my husband if he didnt treat my son the same way or better than what he treats his own! Especially in a blended family in my opinion it is SO important for the "step" parent to pay more and better attention to the step child if at all possible but without making your own child(ren) jealous... I would say get counseling if you can because that is going to definitely be hard!
Hi A.,
While I have never been through this, I have seen blended families up close and personal. My parents adopted an eight year old little girl when I was 21, and I now have my own family with children. We have had our share of ups and downs, but I love my little sister dearly.
First, he has to be willing to treat the children the same as his as well, or the relationship with your kids and him. There will also always be some sort of resentment from your kids towards his child. That is really no way for a child to have to live--think about their happiness in this as well. He should not show favoritetism towards his son, versus your children, and I know that is so much easier said than done, but if he is willing to take on the commitment of marrying you with your children, then he has to step up to the plate. He needs to treat your children as if they were his. I would really think about how happy you are going to be if things don't change and how happy your children will be in the future. As for his son, change is hard and that is probably the cause of his behavior--not your children. Tell him to read a book about children and to decide if he is man enough to take this responsiblity on. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Hi there it seems that you are receiving alot of responses. My thought would be to sit down and speak to your fiance about all that is bothering you. If you don't do this it will keep eatting at you and that is not something that you want. Together you two can work this out and fix the problem.
I combined my family with a new dad. Granted at the time I had only one child and my hubby did not have any children. We managed to make it work. Now 6 years later we have 2 children together and my son. My husband has never treated my son any different than he does our children. He has always been dad to him and doesn't show him any favoritism. I think you should sit down and discuss with your fiance the situation, and let him know how upset you are. If he doesn't listen to you and try to change the situation I would suggest trying to find a counselor. Hope you get the best out of the situation.
I feel for you trying to blend two families into one is really tough. First you need to set up ground rules that should be applied to all the children! I think the three y/o just wants the attention from his father and you and your children. I don't believe they think about your children making his child act out. Three y/o know right from wrong as does a 6 and 5 y/o. Second you need to talk to your fiance about how you feel and tell him that this is how ya'll have to raise the children as a united front. That whatever rules ya'll make you have to keep and when these rules are broken there is punishment and stick with it. The kids need to see ya'll working as a team.
Just thinking were you around his son before ya'll moved in... was he always Destructive, was it just he and his daddy before he moved in with ya'll? If so he is just seeking attention and rightfully so he was number one first. It takes time for children to adjust to thier environment. How long was this been going for? If it's a short time then give it time or if it when a while they seeking out help from out sources- a family therapist or a school counselor could possible be helpful. All children act up sometimes, even the well behave children do. The thing about your finance wanting to call it quits is totally unsatisfactory b/c I think this is totally normal for children to go thru stage in their lives were they act out. What are ya'll going to do if ya'll have bigger problems in the future: drug, sex, alchol, volience and with ya'll relationship money problems, working, and so on. You know what I mean if he is just willing to quit now maybe it's better to found this out NOW before getting married and maybe having children of ya'll own. Communication is the key.
Hope this helps,
L.
Blending a family is definitely a challenge and it's harder when only one parent wants to officially "blend" and the other shows preferential treatment to thier own child(ren). Sounds to me like the 3 y/o is trying to find his place in this new family unit. He is using manipulation to get his daddy's attention and it's working.Dad probably has no clue on how to handle this and that is why he is blaming your kids. I would recommend planning activities that include all the children and making sure each child is recognized for his/her participation so they "each" shine in your eyes. I would also plan special days where you allocate some time to do an activity with each child alone or his son with one of your children and your fiance could do something similar at the same so he too can bond with all the children as well. This way the children bond with each parent and with each other. This could range from going to the park, coloring, reading books, arts/crafts projects, going for ice cream... This has worked in my blended family. It is crucial that you and your fiance set rules and stick to them and the children see a united front from you two. The manipulation will only get worse as he gets older if its not handled now. You are right about kids knowing right from wrong. My 3 y/o knows and so does his. He is acting out and does not know how to communicate his frustration or fears and is being destructive. He wants attention whether bad or good. This new change must be overwhelming for this little guy. You need to help him feel more secure and that he is just as important and loved as your older children. Hopefully, this will stop the destructive behavior. I give you props for attempting to be a good step mom. It can be one of the most rewarding experiences you'll ever have!! Good Luck to you!
It's good that you are seeing this problem early on. You need to consider counseling or get out of the relationship. If he refuses counseling, believe me he will not change and you will be living in misery along with your children for years. Trust me, I know first hand.
Good Luck!
I would strongly recommend counseling - couple and family. These issues don't get better by ignoring them, and they won't get better by you pouting when you feel like your fiancee is putting his kid ahead of yours.
Likely as not his child is learning some bad behavior from yours. He's also probably picking some up at preschool and some up from the two adults in his home. Toddlers do that - they're little sponges, and they magnify all the 'funny' aka socially unacceptable stuff that they see in their life.
If you love the guy, you have to love his kid too. The same thing applies for him - you are both package deals. If the package isn't acceptable, cancel the merger.
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I'm a 27 year old mother of 4, 2 by birth and 2 by marriage.
It is NOT going to work if you guys are not already on the same page as far as treating the kids equally. Later you will have serious favortism issues! You should have taken his son back to bed when he did that, or taken your son from him and let him sleep with you! I have one son from a previous relationship and one from my husband and I would have NEVER married him if he showed any sign of loving my baby any less than a natural child of his own. Your fiance needs to get it right in his head and act accordingly or you need to let him go his "separate way" for your kids sake!
