Ok so I am at the end of my rope and so is SO. It feels like there is a big black cloud over us. He works a lot. He has 2 jobs one 3rd shift and one 1st into 2nd (personal trainner.) He leaves Sunday night, isnt back home till tuesday morn just to leave again tues night and not be back home untill thurs morn, leave again thurs afternoon and then back again fri night. He sleeps in his car if he has a break between clients. He is about burnt out (and no I am not talking drugs!) Tonight he got into a car accident, not a real bad one thank the lord, but scary enough.
Me, I am always here at home with the kids ages 2, 4, and 7. I love them but I am at the end of my rope. Its mostly all me b/c he works so much. My 4 y/o is a bit difficult. We have had him tested through peds neurodevelopmental and the Dr diagnosed him w a disruptive behavior disorder. He gets his younger brother in trouble by showing him to do things that is not allowed, He is destructive. He has broken all of my mini blinds, pulled curtains down, after I clean the living room he pulls all of the toys out of the toybox and scatters them everywhere, he will sneak into the bathroom and get whatever he can (toothpaste, shampoo, whatever) and spread it everywhere. The other week he got into the desitin and smeared it into the carpet. I could go on and on. I don't know what to do with him He goes to preschool m,w,f, so that I can have a break.I love him to piieces but I am at the end of mytrope! When SO comes home it feels sometimes like all we do is argue. I love him so much. I don't want to argue. I feel like I am always yelling at someone. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions. Please try to keep it positive. I have enough negitive things going on.
When he is being destructive I am doing dishes,laundry, vacuming ect...
Where are you when they are being destructive? Mine never had the time to do that, I never gave them that much freedom.
It sounds like your 4 year old needs an outlet for his energy. You might try enrolling him into some kind of sport (karate is usually good, especially if he is having some discipline issues) If at all possible, you might try setting up a 'safe zone' for him to play in... If you can't dedicate a play room for the kids, you might at least try to get one of those baby corrals and set up a designated area for him to play. You could even spread out a sheet of plastic, and let him go to town with finger paints (or something similar... my cousin used to have 'messy days' once in a while, where she would give the kids ketchup, mustard, jelly, pretty much anything squeezable or colorful and let them go to town in a basement room that had no furniture and hard floors. They had a blast, and cleanup wasn't too horrible. Some way for him to be 'allowed' to be destructive, within boundaries.
Try letting him help you do these things...he wants to be busy, give him things to be busy. Have him wash the plastics or rinse the spoons, whatever. Let him run the vacuum, and you can always do a better job later.
I don't believe a 4 year old can be "destructive" in the sense that they are maliciously doing it or that it's any kind of disorder...that child just wants attention he is not getting (no poke at you...I totally get that you are over busy and stressed out with your hubby being gone so much) and as hard as it may seem, it's not. Just let him help you do things, and make it seem like you really need his help, etc.
Also, sounds like your hubby needs to be looking into different lines of employ.
Have you thought about getting a babysitter or some sort of caregiver to come into your house for a few hours a day/week just so you can get some 'you' time, to feel more refreshed? If you did it one day a week, I couldn't see it costing more then $50-$75. And it sounds like it would be well worth it!!!
I know I would be pulling my hair out and be darn near bald if I dealt with what you are dealing with. You need some time to yourself, it sounds like. I understand you love your kids and your SO, but get someone to come over or try to ship them to grandparents. Get a massage, get a mani/pedi, go to the park and sit and read or the library (depending on weather). Find a friend to go get coffee or something.
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this!
I am truly sorry.
He is trying to make sense of his environment. He sees you and SO get into fights and cant' figure out what is wrong in his world. Is SO his daddy?
Your SO must be so overworked and stressed. I can't imagine sleeping in the car to get to another client.
YOur son is a line of sight child. I had one. At 7 years old I had to lock myself with him in the bathroom, hide the key in the shower with me until I was finished, then get dressed while in the shower area and he in the bathroom. He was never out of my line of sight. It was hell for me but he was destructive, defiant, obnoxious, you name it.
I didn't do dishes or vacuum, i supervised, I watched him. I could dust and do things that could be dropped at a moment notice, but I was always in the same room as he.
While I nursed the baby my older one would pick up furniture and throw it at me. He was so angry. We tried counseling, medication, these helped for a while, then he quickly became couch trained and knew how to manipulate the system.
He was suspended from school every year until 8th grade for fighting.
What did work was consistency. We had rewards for good behaviour.
THis was chocolate milk. He got a glass every night he was a good boy at dinner. For a long time he would try really hard to not screw up. He is ADHD/ODD/CD. It was sometimes impossible for him to behave.
We did swimming and gymnastics, that helped a lot. As did youth group in the teen years. He kept up with swimming until he was in out of high school.
He is now almost 22 and a decorated Navy sailor. He has made it.
Find out what he needs.
Does he want a movie on Firday night? THen his reward for good behavior is a movie, from Redbox or Netflix.
Is it time with you? THen his reward is a story at bedtime or bowling or something.
Is it chocolate milk? That one is easy. :o)
Good luck to you. My prayers are with you and your family, I hope things calm down. .
J.:
I am sooo sorry you are going through this. It sounds like all of you need a "breather".
I do NOT think you don't love your son - but being a mommy is a TOUGH JOB!!! Things happen and right now you have a ton of stuff going on.
As to your son. I will assume this is your 4 year old acting out - is there something you can ASK him to do while you are busy - he needs to be "kept busy" or else he gets in trouble - right? So instead of giving him "free play" ask him to help you - so he can feel like a big boy...this MIGHT be what he needs...he's getting your attention AND he's helping!! This is a good thing in his eyes!!
Ask your 7 year old to play a game with him. Or ask that they both help each other set the table for dinner. While your 7 year old is doing is homework - sit down and do it with him - tell your 4 year old - he needs to help his brother/sister with the work too - make it a game - this will keep your stress level down because you will have them all around you and they will be getting the attention they are craving.
is it possible your husband could find just one job? I know it's a tough economy - is it possible he could hook up with a gym or an insurance company? (getting his name out there to help insurance companies get their insureds healthy instead of paying for medications, etc.?) so that he can work more regular hours? That in itself might be causing your son to act out - the stress of only seeing daddy every once in a while or seeing the stress you are going through - he could be acting out because he just can't find the words to express how he feels?
As to you - can you find a "mom's group" in your area - so that you can get out of the house, get some communication going with other mom's in your area and decompress? I would also check into the cost of having a cleaning company come in and clean the house once a month, every other week or whatever can fit into your budget. This will give you some of the decompression time you need as well. While they are at the house cleaning - take your 2 year old to the library for a mommy group, if he/she isn't going to pre-school/day care.
You need to take care of you. I know that's easier said than done. But YOU CAN DO IT!! Start small....find a play group or mom's group...find a cleaning company....take a deep breath BEFORE you yell/argue and say "I LOVE YOU!!!" Find a group at your church - God will take care of you. God will help you shake this black cloud - I truly believe that. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and there are times when I believe God has a funky sense of humor but there is a lesson to be learned and you WILL get stronger because of it - you will become a better person, wife, mother - all around. Please stay strong!! YOU ARE A ROCKIN' MOM!!!
I'm so sorry about your stress level! I would say to try to let some of the housework go and just focus on a very structured routine. I know it is hard but given the needs of your 4 year old--focusing on them is the only way. I'm a home daycare provider and I focus on the kids and get minimal housework done unless the kids are napping. It gives them the one on one time they need and PREDICTABILITY. Disruptive children need both of these things desperately. Write out what your daily routine will be including meals, snacks, naps, outdoor play time , crafts/art/ sensory play, free play, storytime, short periods of tv time etc. Explain it to your children and stick to it. Hope this helps:)
I am sorry if I repeat. Is it possible for you to get a part time job so that SO can cut back on his hours and you still have enough money coming in? That way you would have a needed break from the children and SO could spend more time with them and maybe even sleep at home. That worked well for us for a few years. It is easier said than done to find a job where the hours match up so you don't have to pay for daycare but it is possible sometimes. Good luck.
Sorry you are going through this! I agree with keeping him busy, if you can not enroll him into sports how about looking into the recreation centers for activities, can you check into church activities around your area? How is his behavior while at preschool? Maybe you can take them to the park and tire him out and make him take a nap when you arrive home so that you can get a few things done around the home. Just a thought!!! Let us know how you are doing sending you mama hugs!
So sorry you are going through all this. Sounds like your hubby is way overworked & so are you! :( Do you have any family at all that can give you a break?
Also, I know this is hard, but it seems like your son may really be trying to get your attention. My dd went through a period like that (not as bad) and what worked to change her behavior was me "scheduling" her time every day to give her more structure and more specifically, having "mommy & me" time where you spend one on one time with him for even 30 minutes a day just laying on his bed talking, reading a book or playing a game together, just the two of you. Just that 30 minutes made such a difference! She was so good the rest of the day playing on her own. I know it's hard to carve out that time but you probably spend more than that every day correcting him and cleaning up after his messes. Best wishes!!
I think it's obnoxious that someone can answer, pay more attention to your kids... but ugh anyway, lets ignore that.
My daughter is 15 months old and I am a stay at home mom, my husband works a lot too (but obviously your situation is more extreme but I can still tell you how I try to handle my stress)
I know what you mean about having him come home just to argue, It sucks. I guess what I have to remind MYself is that every time I stress about something, that it only breeds more stress. I try to think, Don't yell. Negative energy is negative energy.
Sometimes I just give so much to my daughter that I need my hubby just to come home and fill me back up.
So I know all he wants is love when he comes home. If I try to let things be light hearted all day, somehow my daughter does too. I spend less energy upset and my hubby can come home to loves and he gives me love back and I feel full again, and so does he. And my daughter loves all the happy!
I love the idea of giving your son things to mess up. :)
When I just finished cleaning the house I usually take Novalee outside to play in the dirt. I even feed her out there if I can't handle any more cleaning. She likes it more out there anyway- even the dogs get a ball thrown and yay!
I'm a night person so I try to get the house clean before I go to bed so I can wake up fresh, plus she makes it pretty hard to clean when she is awake (and if things are a mess I am too). If you are a morning person then you can always get up first and get some cleaning done.
I try to lay out a food routine for my daughter so that I don't stress about what's to eat for the day and get breakfast, lunch and dinner planned out so if I'm not preparing something at the last second. And I can keep things healthy if I'm not using anything that's "prepared" or processed. Do you notice that different foods effect his moods in different ways?
Maybe if you can find ways to remove all the other stress you have then it might make it easier to handle all the crazy your kids throw at you, and maybe help fix the problems. Maybe he needs lots of special quality time because he shares so much attention with the other babies? maybe you could all lay together and read books on his down time? It's easy to suggest things when you're not there to handle the issues, but maybe thats a good thing :)
P.S. You may want to limit the toys you keep out and just rotate them, less mess.
Hi, J.:
Do you have anyone that can babysit for you and you take time out for yourself on a weekly basis?
Get an appointment book with the colums for everyone. (ataglance.com).
Put in your routine things for each person.
Give the children tasks to do with you when you are doing things. If you are vacuuming, give each child something to do. LIke you hold the hose, you hold the cord, you help me push.
That's be with them to do your chores.
Try that.
Good luck.
D.
