Mainly for Mothers Who Have Been on Bedrest

Wow P.....I think you need to be yelled at! (you asked!)
#1. Some very skinny people that I know have developed gestational diabetes as well. I am nice and fat and have NOT got it. Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do, you get GD. And I highly doubt you are with her every day to watch what she is eating.
#2. She can't control if she gets preeclamsia, so I find it odd that you seem to be blaming her for that as well!
#3. She didn't "rope" you into co-hosting her baby shower. You just didn't say "no". That's on you! If she asked you and you didn't want to or couldn't find the time then you are perfectly capable of saying "no", right?
#4. I find it really hard to swallow that you have a set age that someone should stop having a baby shower. So what if she is 40?! She would like to celebrate the fact that they are having their first baby!!! It doesn't matter how much money she has, she is asking her "friends" to celebrate her baby...geesh.
I don't know P., I read your question and you came off as really bitter and angry. I think you are angry because you are working and have your babies (kids) running around and life in general is just stressful. But, don't take it out on her! It's BORING to be on bedrest! But, I guarantee that if your friend was to read your post/question that she would think that you were a pretty awful friend. I just shook my head the whole time.

Your friend doesn't know where you are coming from so cut her a break and don't be mad at her. Before I had kids, I was insensitive to other moms without meaning too. Being in the hospital sucks. That is great that you went to visit her. Just remember that after she has her baby and after awhile, she will probably appreciate you more.

I understand how stressed you are. I am sure the feelings of obligation to see her only add to your personal stress. Life is just hard sometimes!

I went on bedrest at 24 weeks. It has been 5 weeks and I have 8 more to go. Bedrest is horrible. Sure, the first 2 days I caught up on sleep and watched every episode on the food network. But 5 weeks in there is nothing I would rather do than leave my bed. Again, it's horrible! Lots of people tell me they wish they were on bedrest too and how luck I am. But I am not lucky. I didn't get to take my daughter to the pumpkin patch, trick or treating, or to her best friends birthday party. There are so many things I am missing out on. Not to mention the stress it is causing my family because I cannot do anything for myself. We have lost my income which is hard. And for me the toughest thing is that I am using my maternity and FMLA right now so that when our little one get's here I will only be able to take 6 weeks rather than 12 to spend with her. All because of bedrest. Again, I don't feel very lucky. Except for the fact that every day we make it though bedrest it's one less in NICU!

I think you are just stressed and probably very tired. Most of my friends have sent emails checking on me and have called too. Very few have come by but my doctor didn't want me to have a lot of visitors. It causes stress because you worry about what you look like etc and that isn't good. I would set up a weekend day that you can go visit maybe twice a month. Other than that I would send emails and call. She understands. Even though she is lonely.

Also, when I went on bedrest 5 weeks ago everyone wanted to cook for us and come see us. Now we are old news and although they care they have to move on with their lives. She also needs to be understanding that you are just as buys as before.

As for the baby shower my doctor encouraged me to have one. All normal pregnant activities have been taken away from me. A baby shower is one happy thing that can reduce depression in bedrest women. So even though we can afford to buy our little one things and it is our second baby we just had a great big one. Bedrest moms usually get a baby shower pass so they can enjoy some part of the pregnancy when all else is lost.

Finally, judging her because she didn't take care of herself isn't going to help the situation. She is paying the price. Although in many cases Mom's can't prevent it. I have no risk factors such as weight or high blood pressure. I just went into labor for no apparent reason. Be gentle with your friend. It really isn't fun to lay in bed day after day. My body hurts so bad and my muscles have no tone left so when I do walk I tend to fall. It sounds glamorous to lay in bed but it's just the opposite.

It sounds like you are really stressed out right now. Working full time with a 5 & 6 year to take care of means you have a lot on your plate, and with limited time I can understand that you are less than thrilled at adding more to your to-do list.

That being said, even if you don't have time for a long drive, maybe you can call her to check up on her or send her some flowers or a card to let her know you are thinking of her? Or maybe send a care package of reading materials? Personally when I was in the hospital I didn't mind visits from friends, but I didn't really want to deal with the hassle of small children bouncing around in a not kid friendly environment.

Being on bedrest is about the hardest thing I have ever done, with the possible exception of having a toddler and a newborn to take care of. I was on modified bedrest for high blood pressure during my second pregnancy and bored out of my skull.

It is extremely frustrating wanting to do things and not being able to do them. I would have loved being able to just tidy up the room, and I have more gratitude now for simple things like being physically able to go for a walk or do dishes.

Simultaneous with being bored I was also scared to death. During my first pregnancy I went from slightly high blood pressure one day to severe preeclampsia the next, with stroke high blood pressures and pulmonary edema as my lungs filled with fluid. Fortunately I was delivered safely and recovered after delivery.

Although the odds are your friend and baby will be ok while being closely watched in the hospital, preeclampsia is dangerous. I'm a member of a preeclampsia message board and we have had women seize, wind up in the ICU, and even die while in the hospital.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty for feeling stressed- as a busy mom I get that your time is valuable, and it is ok to set boundaries to protect yourself and your family from being overwhelmed. But at the same time instead of choosing anger maybe try to be thankful that you are in good health with two beautiful children and hug your kiddos tight tonight.

Sounds like she needs a real friend.

You are spending too much time being critical of her choices. Either be there for her or not. Have you actually seen her checking account balance? And when did 'having plenty of money' mean that one should not receive a gift?

Its extremely scary and serious to have preeclamsia (she didn't do something to get this condition either). She is in a high risk pregnancy.

When I was on modified bedrest, a friend of mine organized meals to be delivered to my home for about three months. All of my friends from my kid's school and my bunco group contributed and took turns. They babysat my older children and made sure that I did not have any undue stress. Another friend threw a baby shower for me (my 3rd baby; first girl with seven years between babies). By all accounts, we have 'plenty of money' but the support and help that they gave me was priceless.

Reading your question, makes me forever glad that I have the friends that I have. If you are not in the mental state to help, than don't but don't justify your feelings by convincing yourself she doesn't need the help, she really does if she is on bedrest with preeclamsia.

i wouldn't be mad at her, whether she appreciated your visit or not, you were there and that's what counts right?

as far as the baby shower...heck yeah give her a baby shower, she may or may not NEED it, but as i'm sure you were it's nice to know that other's were excited for me when i had my first/only, i don't care if the family having a baby makes 100,000 or barley making ends meet, they worked hard to get where they are and baby shower regardless is always worth it :) the baby will love looking at celebrations that took place to celebrate him/her coming into the world. i finally got out my picture albulm that i cut up the plates so they would fit, some napkins and parts of each color of the streamer's that were used in my daughter's baby shower and she loves looking at them because we celebrated HER before she even got here.

Sounds to me like you are upset b/c you are busy and she's got her feet kicked-up. Sorry, your posting sounds a little bit whiney.

Having said that I have several friends who were on bedrest for various reasons and no, I did not feel pressued to visit them at their homes. I did, however, make a point of emailing or calling every day (not both). Pick up the phone and chat with her- she's probably bored out of her mind. Forward her funny emails or websites.

As for the baby shower, let her celebrate the baby. Who says you can't have a party to celebrate a new life just because you are over... wait, what age do you think is appropriate? Really- you elected not to have a baby shower (your choice) but that doesn't make it the right choice for everyone.

For what it's worth, my son was born when I was 29 and we had four separate showers... none of which I asked for. People (in general) love celebrating babies... more so than weddings!

Don't put yourself "out" and if you can't afford to help with the shower, call the co-hosts (not her). I would think that reaching out to her in another way when you can would accomplish the same end-goal. If you were stuck in bed all day every day, you would look forward to some interactions too!

Sorry P.. Based on your post, you have no right to be annoyed with her. You didn't have to go see her, you didn't have to co host her baby shower and you don't need to keep being her friend if you are so put out with her.
Start saying no, and you will probably be happier for it.

You asked, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but a lot of the things you listed were petty. Your choice to not have a baby shower for yourself shouldn't earn your scorn for her having a shower and registering for gifts.
It might be time for you to bow out of the friendship before she drops you.

Whoa...I hope you were just having an "off" day because you sounded really nasty! The nerve of you implying she didn't deserve a baby shower! There are people on this board that defend a second AND a third baby shower and you would begrudge your "friend" a first baby shower? Do you have an income cut-off limit for people that you feel don't "need" Christmas gifts, too?

I think you need to decide if this is a friend that you want to be supportive of or not. I'd also ask yourself how supportive of you has she been? If she's a good friend and she's been there for you, then be supportive and kind but not a doormat. Since she isn't a mother yet, she might not understand how hard it is to drag your kids to the hospital, so be your own advocate and say something like, "I can't come actually visit you at the hospital, but I'd love to call you while you're there." From what you posted above, it sounds like you have a good bit of hostilely towards this "friend" so maybe step back until you can find some balance. good luck

Well I don't know that you need to be 'yelled' at, but I think it may help if you look at this from another perspective. Whether or not someone else is doing something 'wrong' in your eyes, it all comes back to you. You need to be the best person YOU can be for YOU. You come across as negative and complaining. Instead of focusing on all your friend's shortcomings, focus on the GOOD things. Then YOU will be a better person. Right now I'm just wondering why you choose to remain friends. People deserve to have friends in their lives who support them. Be positive.