Major Issues with My Husband's Brother and Our Sister N Laws - Arvada,CO

There is a wonderful book that might help you gain perspective and feel a LOT better - "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a small, deceptively simple book. But it's extremely powerful. Among other things, it says that we all have lots of agreements that we've made with our world, our society, our friends, family, and loved ones and just about all of those agreements are destructive. If we followed just 4, our lives and our world would be transformed.
#1-DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.
#2-BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD.
#3-ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST.
#4-DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

Ruiz also talks about how we ingest poison every time we take in the negative words or actions of others.

Here are some other things that might help:

My sister is always telling me this one: Other people's opinions of me are not my business. And I've learned that I'm much happier not knowing.

I've also found that whenever I've gotten really upset about something -- for example, people being mean to me or snubbing me -- I know that there is deeper wounding underneath it. If there weren't other, deeper wounds being re-hurt, I'd blow it off and it wouldn't bother me. Perhaps that's where you might want to focus -- healing the deeper wounding.

Good luck!

S.,
Because these people are your husbands family you will always have them in your life. If they call you should talk to them, but it is your right not to tell them anything that you don't want to tell them. You do not have to be friends with your in-laws, shoot you don't have to be friends woth family period. They are all family and you have to put on a nice nice show for them when you have to be around them, but you do not have to tell them anything about you life that you feel is personal. Your husband is right now that Jan is out of the family you need to get over this, and play nice. If Brenda calls, talk to her cause she is still family and who knows deep down she may regret what Jan had done, maybe she did delete all those e-mails because she thought they were wrong. You really don't know, her calling maybe a way to try and make it up to you, but until you really talk to her how will you know. Again just play nice, don't tell her anything personal and see what happens from here.
Good Luck
E.

Your feelings are valid!! I am so sorry this happened and I would be devestated too. However you seem overly focused on what Jen thought of you and use the word idiot a lot. You feel betrayed, hurt and that makes you feel like you cannot trust, TOTALLY understandable!!! You are not an idiot, you trusted a family member as we all should be. She is the idiot for her antics. I don't think anyone was big enough to confront her and probably should have but it is in the past. I say sit down face to face with Brenda or call her back and say you just have some trust issues and it will take time to have her earn it back, that is fair without being dramatic. If she cannot understand this then just ask her for a minute to put herself in your shoes, personal/private emails forwarded to everyone in mockery...how would she feel? Not good I assume.
You cannot change people, you cannot erase what has been done, you have to decide however if you want a relationship with these people how you can get past it. It won't be overnight and it is okay to forgive, it is. It will free you of the anger. Let it go as best you can and take it day by day.
You don't have to disclose anything. You can keep it light, up to date information without any personal details, save that stuff for close friends you trust.
Family doesn't have to be friends, they don't.
The fact your husband cut her off and did support you is great, the fact they did acknowledge their bad behavior and apologized is great. Take that as a baby step.

My mother in law knew of my ex husband cheating with his high school girlfriend way before I did, would call him here at home and let him vent to her about his problems with the situation. I found out listening to one of their conversations where he was telling her how much he still loved her! She pretended to me to want our marriage to work and never said a word to me. She supported it and actually had lunch with the woman! Then she would turn around and call me when he wasn't here and try to help save our marriage in weird ways! It hurt when I found out, but he is her son, I am still close to her. I confronted her about my hurt, taking it as my hurt and how it made me feel. We are close now again, I let it go, am very careful what I reveal to her and just let it go. I understand her loyalty to her son, I understand too she thinks he was wrong but she is my kids grandma too.
You have to take control of your life and get to choose what is revealed to whom. Jen is a hopeless, insecure jerk for doing what she did, which I assume her now ex husband figured out. If Brenda wants to continue that relationship don't take it personally. Keep arms length but don't shut Brenda out either. Give it time. Jen will betray Brenda at some point and it wil come back to her, promise, it always does!!!
Now that woman, the high school girlfriend and I are friends! I was bummed when she broke up with my ex husband as she was an amazing woman, she just realized what a jerk he still was and apologized to me as she was misled and lied to by him too...so it comes back around just worry about what you can control..

Hi S.,

Some people are very TOXIC and only YOU can allow them to rob you of your energy. Unfortuately we can't pick our family, but we can have boundaries. Mourn the loss of what you thought family would be, set your boundaries and put your energy in the people who truly love and care about you.

Been there, done that!
L.

The toxin has been removed from the situation... I think you need to let go for you and move on.
Not forget, but forgive. If not it will eat you up, and then the ex-SIL still wins.
Sounds like you don't have to see the other family members much anyhow and they have apologized. So when you do have to get together you must be respectful. You also don't have to get personal about your life with them, but just be kind. Show them the love and respect they didn't show you. That will get them more than you would think....
Trust me I am a grudge holder and it never turns out well... It is hard to let go and deep down you will always have that little bit inside you that will always be hurt, but look at it like a lesson in life. You have to be more careful about who you let in and what you say. Venting is fine, but leave that to close girl friends and people you know truly have your back.
Good luck

Here is my take, for what it is worth. I think in-laws and family in general is very hard, especially when you are married and have special needs kids.
I had a somewhat similar situation with my sister in law who completely blindsided me by stating that I was manipulative and not the kind of person she wanted to be friends with. This is after 10 years and me being at one of her children's births. Won't get into my long saga, however this is how I have handled it, my in laws live only about 40 minutes so we do have to see them and do the family gathering bit, so we go. I bring my kids and I hang out, but I make no special effort to communicate with her and don't plan to. I have friends, and people that like me for me, I don't have to change or feel bad that somehow in her eyes she feels like she needs to treat me the way she did. That is her problem, I know the value I have and will not waste my time on people like that.
So I would say, do what you need to to keep calm in the family but don't let her back in to your close circle, sometimes friends (who really care about you) are better then family.
Good luck!

hello,
I have been through situation where people have hurt me and the end result was I was miserable and they went on with their lives. The problem is you are letting these people control you, as I did in my situation.
Take a step away breath and reliaze that these people are not going to ruin your day any more. They hurt you and believe in Karma.

Just to relate and hopefully make you feel better- My SIL is dead to me and my husband. She was pretending to be my friend and turning to my husband's ex-wife and telling her everything I said. Also, anything my MIL said about the ex-wife was repeated via my SIL, too. We were in a situation where we weren't going to be allowed to have the kids (my steps) because I told her I was documenting all the things the BM did that were unsafe, the times she forgot to pick up the kids, "forgot" to feed them, all the times they were late to school under her care, and all the time she dumped them off with someone else during her weeks in case we ever went to court to get full custody. The SIL told her EVERYTHING! I never felt like such a stupid idiot. Really.

As far as Brenda goes, can't you just have a casual relationship with her? "Hey, how are ya? I'm good" kind of thing? Maybe she really DID hit delete and move on with her day? My mom sends me things about my step-dad- how he smells, and doesn't help out around the house, and he's losing his mind (totally untrue) and I've told her once or twice in the past that I love and respect my step-dad. He was a God send. Yet, she continues to send me these emails. I hit delete and move on, too!

I don't know. I would feel so betrayed if I were you. I would suggest finding new friends and treating his family as if they were mere strangers on the street. Be polite enough, but don't trust them as far as you can throw them.
My advice is that, just because you married into this family, doesn't make them your friends. Found out my SIL hates my husband because he was mean to her when she was little. She hated his ex-wife when they were together, but they became friends after the divorce because they both had something in common- hating me and my husband. Choose your friends wisely.

In your struggle here, you said that "some things are unforgivable" and while this may seem true, in terms of letting go of your ill will, it is not.

There was a great piece on forgiveness on npr & 60 Minutes that you can see at this link: http://cforjustice.org/2009/04/10/exoneration-forgiveness/ for an example of how forgiveness allows you to let go of what happened. Then you can choose how you want to be.

Here is a link about a practice you could try for letting go
http://www.lifebalance.org/dharma/forgiveness.shtml

With someone who hurt me, I started including them in my prayer bundle. I fought the idea that God had put this person in my life, and finally held them up when I prayed--not that they receive something or change or anything, just held them up to God to handle.

Hi S.,
From what I got out of this, this Jan person is extremely immature and manipulative and just plain mean. I know this sounds hard but this really is just her problem, who cares what she or the other relatives think of you, in life some people like us and some don't, isn't that how you feel about people! I would really reccomend you read the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. You really don't have a huge problem with the other woman( Brenda) since they live on the other side of the country, you did the right thing by not calling her back. And lastly, LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HURTING YOU!! NOT THEM! Let it go, let it go! You have enough on your plate with two autistic kids! When you find yourself thinking about it just change your thinking, you are in control of your thoughts and actions.

This is such a tough situation and I can imagine how challenging this has been for you! I think your therapist is probably correct in her assessment of Brenda as a "people pleaser" and I think that, unfortunately many people don't feel like they need to take action when they receive this type of thing.

That said, based on my personal experience in a situation similar to yours, I think your very best option is to take the "high road". Really, Brenda can't do anything to improve your situation and you can't force her to be more candid with you. I know it's hard, but since you won't really have answers to the questions that you're posing to Brenda, there isn't much purpose in asking them.

What you can control here is how you choose to handle this. Imagine that Brenda is a workplace acquaintance. Someone that you are friendly with, but you have limits around what you share with her. You can still be polite and kind, but there's no need to divulge intensely personal details. It will feel forced for a while, but over time, you'll get a better understanding of how much you can safely share with Brenda (especially since you know she's still close to Jan). Once you have healed from this and redefined your relationship with her, you may find that she is able to share more of her side of the story. It's possible that if she tends to avoid conflict, she may feel trapped in the middle and equally as uncomfortable. Know that this will take monumental self control on your part, but be strong! :)

Here is the cardinal rule of email: Don't write it unless you want to see it on the front page of the newspaper; it may end up there. Keep it short and sweet and leave the venting for in person or the phone or better yet your own personal journal.

I'll be totally honest here, my guess is no-one waded through the length of your emails to read the entire thing and most likely Brenda did exactly what she said: deleted the mails and moved on with her life. Its not her job to 'defend' you, she doesn't need to take sides and you shouldn't ask or expect it of her.

As everyone has said, let it go. Move on. Start a journal and keep it sweet with the family.

S.,

I always feel that the best way to get beyond something so hurtful is to live your life to your best. In this situation, I would slowly back away from e-mail and phone calls with Brenda. I would not bring up the subject again with anyone in your husband's extended family. Just move forward in the relationships with your husband's family that are healthy and meaningful for you. The rest, just leave aside. Of course be friendly, but just remind youself that they are not your best friends, and you have loving and trustworthy friends elsewhere.

I hope the pain from this eases soon.