Marriage Counceling

First, I want to encourage you. in your marriage. Yes, it does sound like your husband is very unhappy but do whatever you can to save your marriage. Seek counseling, use the resources offered here, etc...

It can be very frightening for husbands (who often see themselves as the 'protector' and 'provider' for their families) to see what is happening around us. Another thing you may consider is not bringing up things like redoing the bathrooms until you 1) have 3-6 months of emergency fund PLUS 2) the money needed for the remodel. Remodeling can be costly and sure, you may not be living paycheck to paycheck...but it's still a big expense and that could be a little scarry for your husband.

Second, as far as the job thing. First, I disagree with another commenter that it is impossible to find a job once the kids are grown. I have many Mom friends who have older kids, stayed home when they were young and then went back to work after. Will you get the exact same job you had before? Probably not. However, at the same time you won't be the same person as you were before so that job probably wouldn't fit who you have become.

It is not unusual for moms to go back to school, learn new skills, etc... once their kids are older to prepare them for the workforce. Will you land a CEO job right away? Of course not. But who cares. The important thing is that you are doing something you enjoy and contributing in the manner you and your partner have determined is appropriate.

Second, you and your husband need to sit down and have a calm discussion (possibly with a neutral third party like a counselor to help guide the discussion) and determine what is really important: You going back to work now, or caring for your children.

My husband and I decided that what was most important to us was that I stay home with our kids and be the primary caregiver. We determined that, for us, we did not want our children in day care to be raised by someone else and have them only see their parents basically on the weekends. Even when my husband was out of work for 9 months (yes, 9 months) we STILL decided it was best for me to not get a job. If I got a job, then he would be home taking care of our daughter and not be able to spend the time needed looking for a job and working on the start up company he created, which was generating income for us.

If you making money is the most important thing then you both have to decide that, make the choice and stick with it until circumstances change that would change the decision. And yes, unless you make a very good salary your paycheck will go towards daycare and gas money. There won't be much left over to give back to the household fund. But the real question is, long term, what do you both see as the best decision. You be home with your children, or you position yourself to have a high paying job in 5 years. Children, or career...that is the choice you and your husband have in front of you.

It seems like there is a fair amount of work that needs to be done in this marriage. If in fact he does want out, then you DO need to improve yourself and be ready to be a single parent. If he is willing to work on the marriage and move forward together...then you need to seek some counseling and work it out.

Be partners. Work together. Stop fighting against one another.

Good luck honey. I know, marriage is not easy. My husband and I have been through some very difficult times. We have fought tooth and nail to keep our family unit together.... and we are grateful we did.

Hi Victoria,
My husband and I have been married for 5 as well. Since our 2 daughters we've been struggling too. I think its all the adjustment in our relationship and lack of time we have together now with kids.?
Thank goodness we are good financially, its because we got on a financial program that puts us on the same page. My husband and I are hooked on Dave Ramsey, he has given us the language and tools to work together on our monthly budget, we know what's coming in and what's going out. We now have a plan and common goals. We just redid our bathroom with cash because we planned and saved for it.
It has really helped give us both a voice concerning finances. Google him, its worth it!
Peace to you, L.

Well, he's right, unless there is a problem with your bathroom (leaks, floor tiles missing, whatever...) now isn't really the time to redo them just because you have a little extra money, even if you could pay cash to have it done. If your house is functional, leave it alone for now.

He's also right that being out of the workforce can take a toll on your career and job opportunities. But going back to school is a great way to handle that. If you don't have a degree, you can start doing that now while they are at home all the time so you are ready to look for jobs with your new degree when they are old enough to be in school. There are a lot of assistance programs out there for moms, look into how you can get help for school so you can sit down with your husband and all the numbers and see if you can work it out.

You may also want to talk with a financial counselor who has an unbiased view of your financial situation and maybe put your husband's fears as ease or help you see that your husband isn't just being stingy if that's the truth of it.

Good Luck:)

Hi Victoria,

Marriage is hard work even on a good day, so I want to tell you that I think that it is great that you are looking at counseling options as opposed to just throwing up your hands. I think in today's society married couples tend to quit too early.

I understand your side of this. There are things that you think need to happen in order for your home to be a safer and more comfortable environment. You see the money sitting there and think, "why live with less than we can have when we don't have too?" You are not trying to be wasterful or thoughtless. You are not asking to take out a huge home improvement loan or take food from the babies mouths so you can get new shower tile. As to working, you are absolutely right. We figured out with our kids that we could SAVE more money with me staying home than I could MAKE if I worked. Since he is thinking in terms of numbers, perhaps if you were to sit down with him and list it out. Daycare expenses, gas expenses, Dr.'s expenses due to illness from being IN daycare (even the best ones have germs flying around like nuclear missiles), medication, lost money from missing work and so on. Maybe if he sees the NUMBERS and not just what you THINK it will help him. Lot's of men are bottom line kinds of guys.

I understand his side of this. He feels that at the end of the day he is responsible for making sure there is enough money in the bank for you and your children to be okay in ANY circumstance. He looks at the economy and he looks at the unemployment statistics and he (rightly) realizes that could just as easily be him out of a job and losing his insurance coverage for you and your children. He probably thinks about spending that money and knows that if you do the bathrooms and then he loses his job, that is money that WON'T be there to tide you over until the new job comes along. He wouldn't forgive himself, and the truth is, he wouldn't forgive you either.

Is he stating it wrong, probably. Is there room here for some communication and negotiation, you bet. Sometimes we all need a third party mediator so that we can here what the other person is saying without or defenses gumming up the works. There are resources mentioned in several posts. If you have a pastor lots of times they will counsel you for free for a number of sessions. Also, if you can't afford any of the options I would suggest finding an older couple whom you trust and whose marriage you admire and sitting down with the wife and asking questions. Likely they have been through the stuff that you have and so much more and have figured out how to weather these storms and stay together. Learn from their wisdom and experience.

I hope this helps and I am praying for you.

L.

You guys need to find some middle ground somewhere. You're in the first 5 years of being married with a kid and one on the way. I think he has every right to be concerned about the economy and being able to provide for you and your kids.

I also understand the want (and/or need) to renovate aspects of the house. Have you thought about what exactly it is you want done? Is it just paint and upgrading the hardware (replacing the towel rack) or do you want a complete overhaul? Do you have any idea how much you're wanting to spend? Develop a plan, and approach him about it. He might be thinking you want a $50,000 new bathroom when all you're wanting to spend is about $3000. Let him have input on what's going to be done, then you can set a plan in place for saving the money to have it done.

I remember when my husband got RIFFed from a job and had to give them back his laptop. It was as if they'd chopped off both his arms. He said he never wanted to be without a laptop again. I told him, "That's fine. You can buy whatever laptop you want - as long as we can pay cash for it up front." I've never seen him save money so fast!!

Yes, you need to get your college degree. See if you can attend Ivy Tech or IUPUI or some community college to get any "basic" courses (english 101, foreign language, science, etc.) out of the way (make sure that where ever you end up will either accept those courses as transfer credits or will at least acknowledge that you took those classes from an accredited institution and not require you to retake them- you may have to take a few extra classes to build up the minimum requirement of hours to graduate though). Make sure that you have a financial plan with that too.

It just sounds as is he's a "numbers" guy, and if all you're doing is talking "generality's" without giving any specifics on what exactly you're approaching him about (How much will the bathroom cost? How much will the college courses cost? With getting your degree, it really doesn't matter what your degree is in, just that you have one. Have you looked to see if there are other degree programs that may possibly allow you to graduate earlier than the current program you're looking at?)

As far as work: You'll be able to find work. The only question will be whether it's the type of work you want for a price you're willing to get paid. You'll need to be willing to flip burgers, fry chicken or dig ditches until a job comes along that you really want/like/enjoy. Plus, you can always work at a temp agency - they'll help you improve any skills (typing, using various computer programs, etc.) until you can find a permanent job somewhere.

Soon enough you guys will figure out how to have these conversations without it becoming a full blown argument because you'll be able to really discuss "what is it that concerns you most about __________?", "What will it take or what do you need to happen to address that concern?" and be willing to listen and compromise (he needs to be able to listen and compromise too). I've been married 15 years, and you're just about past the "communication hump" that we experienced.

In the meantime, read the book "Personality plus" by Robert Rohm. It'll help you guys learn how each other operates and what's important to each other - and why it drives each of you nuts at times!

For what it's worth, and good luck!

Finances are the biggest stressors on a marriage. It is not uncommon to fight about money. With the economy having been as bad as it has been the past few years, I can understand both of your points of view.

My husband and I are polar opposites financially. I'm cheap, and he's a spender. We worked out a system that works for us based upon having had much different earnings over the past few years. Sometimes I have been the main bread winner, and other times he has. We both contribute equally to our joint expenses which includes retirement and 529s. What's left over goes into personal accounts. That way, he can spend it without dipping into our joint expenses for mortgage, car, child care, utilities, etc. And, I can save. When I was laid off from a very good-paying job in May, it made us a lot more comfortable knowing I had saved well over a year's salary.

But, I'd recommend finding the balance in how you view money and really trying to understand the root of both of your frustrations.

Being miserable and fighting all the time isn't healthy for you or your children - especially your older child who's likely observing and digesting it.

I started seeing a counselor last year when I completed chemo and was having trouble adjust back to a normal life. I went until I lost my job (about 5 months), and I think it helped to get a trained, unbiased opinion about how I was viewing the world. I think marriage counseling is a great idea if you can get him to agree to it. If not, perhaps going on your own and asking him to occasionally join might be a good idea.

I wish you the best and hope you can enjoy the birth of your new baby. Jobs, money, and things come and go. It took getting cancer right after the birth of our daughter to understand what was really important, and I still struggle to keep it in perspective.

First and foremost, if things are NEEDED to be done - need rather than want - then don't do them.

Make a list of things you'd like to have re-done, fixed, etc. Prioritize them.

Do not talk about them except at "family meetings" maybe once a month or whatever, set aside to talk about finances. This will ELIMINATE THE CONSTANT FIGHTING OVER THESE ISSUES and focus on your family. If something - emergency comes up, then take care of it. Otherwise.....STOP talking about it. Meet together once a month to see where things stand, etc. and make decisions from there.

Is there a hobby, talent that you have that you could make $$ from home? Jewelry making, scrapbooking, etc.?? Start a mom's co-op or something that will benefit you financially in addition to other benefits.

See if there are things around the house you can sell on Craigslist or something of that nature.....furniture you're not using, decor, collections of things you no longer want or use, etc. GUARANTEE there are a few things here and there. If that means it makes enough grocery $$ for a week or two, it's at LEAST something and that way that $$ can be used to get a new sink, curtains, or whatever.

In times like this, I BELIEVE GOD IS TRYING TO GET OUR ATTENTION TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX AND BEGIN TO RE-THINK, RE-ORGANIZE, RE-STRUCTURE, ETC. Amazing what can be accomplished and/or started (even businesses) when you have to think outside your comfort zone!

Don't forget to talk about what you appreciate about each other, why you married each other in the first place and what some goals are as a family and as individuals....something to focus on BESIDES $$!

Well on the education aspect of things there are pell grants and other grants that will pay for your entire education as long as you maintain a GPA of something like a C average. You are right about the child care and gas will take most of the paychecks you get. I would say to try the counseing. One thing that helps me the most is calling one of my friends moms and talking to her. I have a 6 yr old daughter. Her dad and I have been divorced for two years. Im just now getting to see her on the weekends. Which makes thing harder for me. Hope things work out.

Hi Victoria,

First I want to encourage you in your marriage. It sounds like you and your spouse are in a place that we all experience. I guarantee that if you all work together through this, it will bring you all closer and you'll both experience a new love, respect, & higher level of understanding for one another.

Here are some resources I highly recommend and have used personally. Since money is an issue, the first two resources provide events & options that do not incur a cost and are tremendously helpful. They both provide group and individual counseling/marriage resources for you to explore.

If you can afford to attend Weekend to Remember (#3) that would be great. We attended for the first time this year & it was AWESOME. It is a great opportunity to quiet the noise of life & take a moment out just for the two of you.

#4 provides other Ohio marriage resources you may find helpful.

1. http://www.trustmarriage.com/
2. http://www.clcdayton.com/166920.ihtml
3. http://www.familylife.com/conferences/
4. http://ohiomarriageresources.org/marriageenrichment.htm

Hope this helps & again, you can get through this together. We all need a tune up every now and then.

I'll be praying for you & your husband.

A.
www.seasonsofmotherhood.org

It sounds to me like you and your husband have different ideas of what your role in the family is. You see yourself as the person who stays at home and tends the family, and your husband as the person who brings in the income. Your husband sees you as as another mouth for him to feed and another person to spend the money he makes.
I have always worked outside the home. I am college educated, but I haven't worked in my field in over 10 years. For the last 12 years I've worked in a job that does not require a college education. My paychecks have always contributed to our income. They've never been just for daycare and gas. That's a copout! My children don't go to daycare, they go to a private sitter in her home. It's cheaper and better for my children. In the last 6 six years at my job, I have been gone from work with myself or my children sick for 1/2 day, except for the birth of our third child, which I took 4 weeks and got paid for them. So there is no missed pay or extra doctor bills. Those are excuses.
Some men need their wives to contribute inorder for them to seem equal. Since the economy tanked, I've been working from home. I'm still making a paycheck and now we don't pay for childcare. However my husband has the perception that I do not contribute, because I am home "doing nothing" all day. I don't sit around all day, I work at my job, I care for our two year old, I do all the household chores and I run the older two to their afterschool activities. His perception is not reality, but it is his perception. Unlike you I have a paystub to prove my contribution.
You need to call around and get some childcare estimates. I wouldn't even count gas in because I use more gas "staying home" than I ever used working. If you're only objection to working is that you won't make enough money, you really ought to run the numbers to put both of your minds at ease.

Definitely go for marriage counseling!!!!!! It saved my husband and my marriage! You both have to at least be willing to try it. You also have to be willing to accept that the marriage may be failing on both sides and that you need to WORK at it, to get it back.

The other thing you might want to try is taking a Financial Peace University class by Dave Ramsey. Or, if you don't want to take the class.......read his books. You will both find a new way to view money. I don't know what your exact financial state is, so I can't offer advice specific to that. However, here is a little tidbit from him that sounds pertinent to your situation. Have an emergency fund of 3-6 months of expenses for true emergencies. Spend only what you have, no more. He does not say to plan for the "Great Deppression". He definitely saved our "financial" problems in our marriage. My hubby spent too much saving for "tomorrow" in his retirement fund and kid's college funds. I worried too much about today. But, neither of us were willing to look at the other point of view and work together on the money goals. Now, we both sit down once a week/month and plan out our money goals. It has really changed our lives financially.

I had to smile when I read that. My husband calls me a Money Nazi, and I smile sweetly and in return tell him that if it wasn't for me we wouldn't have any money in our savings account. My husband likes to spend money and I'd rather save it. I get frequent talks from my father about the economy and the direction it's going and that we need to spend less and save more.

Like your husband, I am concerned about the economy too. So I can understand where he is coming from in regards to the bathroom. If it doesn't need redone then why not wait until we know what is going to happen with the economy?

In regards to going back to school-you have a point. So many jobs that are available they are asking for a 4 year degree. There are jobs available even if you don't have a degree but it looks better to say that you have one.

When I was in school I would go to www.fastweb.com to look for scholarships. My oldest sister actually found a few on there.

I've also worked in day cares and I know how expensive they can be. And I agree with you there, whatever job you get that money will be going towards the day care.

One thought that I had is if your husband is persistent that you find a job, why not look at a day care, I've known lots of moms that have worked in day cares, and their children go there, so they can make some money and still spend time with their kids during the day/working hours and then their childcare fees are cut in half or at least some kind of a discount.

There are always jobs out there for people who are willing to work. And yes unless you make about 30K or more most of your salary will go to daycare fees and expenses for the job. Things like a reliable car, upkeep, new wardrobe, expenses for daycare and other things will quickly eat up your income. I used an inhome daycare and did all the due dilignence on my daycare providers and got burned 3 times. When my husband got a better job the with the ability to earn overtime meant that I had to quit my job as daycare was going to cost more than I was making and he would be available for more overtime.

I know that the economy has been rough. I lost my job 8 years ago before things got really bad. I have never been able to find a job working in the industry and degree I earned. So a college degree is no guarnty of future employment. Look at what industries are hiring. For example nurses are in short supply. You can earn a nursing certificate though a local career center (adult vocational training is offered through most school districts). Then once you have a job you might be able to get an employee to help pay for your degree or future job training. Try to get creative and think outside the box.

I hope you get the help you need and good luck.

Sounds like your husband is worried about money. A bathroom or kitchen remodel costs a lot of money and these days people are not doing them unless they have to because they don't know what tomorrow will bring. You also have some good points about daycare but a huge expenditure should be put on hold until you can both agree upon it. I think you and your husband should talk to someone if you cannot talk to each other about money. It will also help you understand how the other one is feeling and handling the situations going on around them. I also recommend a book by Gary Smalley called The Five Love Languages. It is a great book and helps to understand relationships better and how to understand our spouses, children and friends better.(and also ourselves) Please do not give up so easily. Marriages take work and kids need to see parents working out their differences too.

Hi Victoria...
I can attest to the being out of work for so long that it is hard to get a job. Although, I do work, I do child care out of my home and have done so for the past 14 years. With the current issues the world is having I lost several of my parents. I was making $700 plus a week and now am down to $260 a week, sometimes a little more. I have tried to get part-time employment, especially when I knew that places were hiring Christmas help, to no avail. It is a tough market out there. I would say go back to school but you would more than likely have to pay for it yourself either up front or by getting student loans. The grants, in example: Pell Grant, are for those that meet certain criteria and it doesn't sound like you would meet those, by what you have said. Go to counseling alone and then when the therapist feels it is time she or he will have you bring in your husband. It does do a world of good!

Good Luck
A.

hey girl - i feel for you - money troubles are very hard on a marriage, and its difficult not to fight about them every time there is a bill to pay!

you may want to look for a way to make some money right from home - there are a ton of legitimate options out there for you, and you won't have the expenses of daycare & gas to worry about - i've been working from home for a year & a half, and i just love it - i can still spend all the time i want with my kids, help with homework, etc etc, and i still bring money into the household - we use the money i make to pay for all of the kids extra-carricular activites (tennis, basketball, baseball, bowling, soccer - wow it adds up!)

the other great thing about working from home is that you can write off as business expenses many of your everyday things that you already spend money on - cell phone bills, going out with friends (networking expenses), internet bills, portions of your electric, water and gas bills - it can add up to be quite a lot - and all of those expenses will come right off of your husband's current income, giving you a refund come tax time. it has made a HUGE difference for us.

good luck with everything - i'll keep your family in my prayers - i hope everything works out for the best.

sending hugs!
~T.

http://MamaWorksFromHome.NET
http://FamilyBenefitsLive.com

Your husband is right about not quitting work while your kids are younger. It is very hard or almost impossible to find a job after being out of the workforce for any period of time. Protect yourself give yourself manicures, pedicures,facials, read, excerise just do not give up on yourself. If your kids see you happy than they will be happy. Personally after reading your story your husband sounds like he is just waiting to make his break. So the best thing for you to do is wait improve yourself and maybe put away a little money for yourself.

I really feel for you, my husband has always been very tight with money, but he's only gotten worse since we started a family!

I would definitely recommend seeing a counselor, but it's very important that you find the right person. My husband and I didn't want to tell our friends or family that we wanted to get counseling, so we just picked a name out of the phone book. It ended up being a disaster! A few months into it we felt more hopeless than before we started. So the next time we asked a few trusted friends and got the name of someone good - and she completely turned things around for us.

No matter the specifics of what you are fighting about, it can help tremendously to have an uninvolved person hearing both sides of it. It also helps to be able to talk things out when there are no kids around.

Best of luck!