Marriage Counseling - Conneaut,OH

I've never gone to marriage counseling, but I've had therapy myself. All I can say is that I discovered why I am the way I am. I learned where my issues come from - like having an overly critical father and uninvolved mother who never stuck up for me. In my early marriage, that background made me go from 0 to 100 in 1 second if DH tried to even give me a suggestion as to how to do something. I took that as criticism and flew off the handle. Not good. Knowing where I came from and being able to relay that to DH, he was able to understand that my snapping at him wasn't about him at all.

Facing myself in therapy was painful - really painful - crumpled on the floor crying for a long time painful, but it was worth it. It's been almost 20 years and I still benefit from those few months of therapy I had. I'd imagine that if you have 2 willing parties, both could benefit IF they are both willing to face themselves and all those ugly things we don't like to think about. Best of luck to you.

I am a huge advocate of couples counseling. Because my husband and I were both previously married, we felt it would be a good investment in our relationship.

A good counselor is one who is able to listen to both parties, give validation of feelings (without validating hurtful *actions*) equally, and who helps couples be able to learn to talk with each other using what are more or less non-violent communication skills.

Learning how to 'fight fair' was big for both of us, and we learned to really listen when it was 'listening time' , to respond in a less defensive way, and to start our conversations with a more solution-oriented approach, instead of just griping at each other about things. ("I've been noticing that when X happens, I feel ___, and I was wondering if it would work to try it like this....." ) It was through this work that I learned how often a simple, open-ended question works so well in getting clarification on something *before* getting upset. ("So, when you say that you'll be working late a lot, can you give me an idea of what that might mean? Do you have any dates on the calendar for this, so I can sort of see what I need to be ready for?")

Our counselor was great in really trying to hone in on why we first got together, what we liked about each other (and to nurture those positives), and to keep building those bridges to keep us connected even when we had people/obligations/outside forces which frustrated things or didn't allow us to focus on each other as much as we would like. Through this work, we were allowed to examine those things in our life which caused stress/lack of harmony, and to assess how important those priorities were... or if they were at all. One example: we finally stopped running a poetry group whose membership included several very dysfunctional people. While the group met some of our individual needs, it really was problematic in other, practical areas. Retiring the group immediately relieved us of a huge stress in our relationship. Good counselors can help a couple clear out some of the emotional clutter, so to speak.

Our counselor was great at imposing accountability on us. He'd often give us an index card with a few things which needed addressing over the time between sessions and he'd prioritize the list for us, with us in agreement at that time on a course of action. This was very instrumental in our making good changes in our lives.

In regard to your question: " Does hearing someone else say don't blow up at your wife help or make it worse?" -- honestly, I think it depends on the individual. When I went to counseling with my ex husband (while we were married, he only went to appease me), it was clear that he felt I was the only problem in our relationship and addressed it as 'how do I handle her?' (She later told me that was how she knew he was a classic narcissist.)
With a spouse who does want to work on the relationship, who is willing to admit to mistakes, who can admit imperfection.... that spouse is more likely to not just get 'don't yell at her'... he's likely to be asked "so, when you are furious and feeling angry like that... what is coming up for you? What are you afraid will happen?" or "you say you feel like she is being disrespectful. Tell me about that..."

It IS hard to hear each other, sometimes. I'll be honest, sometimes couples hurt each other so very deeply precisely because they have been hurt before-- by family of origin or previous spouse/relationships-- that dumping out all of our baggage can be emotionally draining. But like a good unpacking, when you examine what you've been carrying around, you are more able to figure out what you don't need and to drop those burdens. So, while the work can be hard, what comes out of it is very freeing-- at least, that's been my experience of it.

I haven't had "marriage counseling" but my husband is now seeing a therapist for anger management.

Yes, it does work.

So often, it's not that people don't know what to do. I know plenty of people who will make comments about others' behavior, or even stereotypical behavior in shows/movies, and I think to myself "seriously?? you just got upset with someone who acts just like YOU!"

I personally don't think it's that people don't know what to do, it's that they cannot recognize their own actions for what they are. This goes for me as well!! When you are experiencing the emotions that come with different situations, it can be difficult to realize how we are coming across to others.

And even if we do realize it, often we justify our actions with what took place to cause them. That I think is the key to people needing therapy - either providing help to recognize their actions, or if they already know they aren't appropriate, then help to stop them from happening, either before or during a situation.

Because people are different, & process their emotions & actions differently, it can sometimes require seeing more than one therapist before someone is found who is able to tap into what is going on & provide the insight needed to recognize & stop the unwanted actions.

For couples involved in a relationship that hasn't hit "rock bottom", seminars & workshops can be insightful as well. Just like sports, hobbies, school, work, etc. marriages can get stagnant, & there are new ways of thinking about things, approraching issues & improving things, even if they are already going well. The nice thing about these is that there is usually something both spouses can take away & apply to themselves.

Hope this helps answer what you were asking. T.

A counselor can act as a mediator, and the presence of the counselor tends to keep people more in line -- they usually don't allow themselves to indulge in their worst behavior in front of someone else.

One of the roles of a good counselor is to teach couples how to communicate properly, and one of the most important communication tools is reflective listening. That means that each time someone speaks, the listener must reflect his/her understanding of the speaker's statement back to the speaker, until the speaker is satisfied that he/she has been understood.

Reflective listening is a critical to healthy relationships, and issues are rarely resolved without it. Reflective listening might seem simple to do, but it can be more difficult than it sounds, and many people rarely do it.

Does your husband know about reflective listening? I doubt it. Even if he does, in moments of anger it is often really difficult to give a damn about what your partner thinks or feels, and all proper communication ceases.

My husband hated counseling, but for me I guess counseling helped, because after he refused to go to counseling any more, he was forced to remain present and deal with our issues, rather than his usual tactic of getting angry, avoiding and withdrawing.

Good luck.

What marriage counseling taught me:

A better way of looking at the situations from another person's point of view

How to "think like a man"

How to manage a conversation with my husband in a way he'll listen

How to set goals and steps to get there

What to do to take care of myself so I'd be there emotionally when I was out of control emotionally

To respect and remember the man I married

And more.

1. To be able to see things from someone else's perspective you have to ignore your own emotions and feelings about a situation. You have to think about how the situation is effected by that person's life, how they were raised, what their moray's and traditions were, if their mother was dominant and a "B" or a doormat, etc....If I expect my hubby to do something because it was what my dad did because my mom made him then I am setting myself up for anger and failure. I expect hubby to deal with outdoor stuff like mowing and trash. I want those to be chores I never have to think about.

His mom did all those chores or paid someone to do them because his dad worked long hours and he was out of town a majority of the time. They still had to be done so she did them and did them well.

2. I was told this analogy and it made so much sense to me. It's a bit long but you'll see him differently after reading it...

The man's brain:

When a man is focused on a task, no matter what it is, he's locked in a mental room with 4 walls, no windows, just a light aimed on what he's doing, there's a door with multiple bolts and locks on it.

You want his attention. You knock on his door by saying "Honey, I need you to take out the trash please. Then you come back a couple of minutes later, same thing. Bang bang bang on his mental door. He may have acknowledged you but he didn't do what you wanted.

So he "hears" you this time. He puts down whatever he was focused on, turns mentally to the door and unlocks each lock, opens the door, walks out into a long long long dark hallway with millions of doors along each side. He turns to the door and locks each lock back. Then he stands in the hallway trying to figure out which door it is he needs to go into so he can process what you want. So he picks a door, unlocks it, goes in, turns around and locks the locks. Then he turns to you and hears what you are saying.

Slow process, takes time for a guy to turn of their brain when it's focused on a task. They have to be given time to process your request. They don't switch channels every few seconds like women.

The woman's brain:

Huge giant sized room, can't even see outside walls, bright sunny environment, no dark spaces, she can see every tiny activity/action going on in any part at any time and all the time, all light and airy. The areas are divided of course, woman are organizers, but, BUT, the dividers are short tiny walls that can easily be stepped over so she can go anywhere at a moments notice. Sometimes her brain is going so fast she's mentally hopping around changing subjects every few moments and NO ONE can follow her train of thought except another woman.

3. Once you get a man out in the hallway in his brain where he's deciding what it is you expect of him, let's face it, he doesn't always get it right.

So, when you are telling him you need his attention try this. Tell him you have something you'd like to talk to him about. Can he commit to meeting you in the dining room at 6:30pm tonight so you can have a discussion?

Then before he gets there you set the scene. You put 2 chairs facing each other at a comfortable distance from each other. You make sure the kids are gone so you and hubby can totally focus on the topic.

Then when hubby gets there you both sit and face each other. This communication technique is something you'd have been practicing during therapy so it's a smooth none weird thing to do anymore.

You say "John Doe, I want to talk about how you don't wear your seat belt when the kids are in the vehicle". He says back to you "Jane Doe, I heard you say you're worried about my not wearing a seat belt when the kids are in the car". Then You say " Yes, that's right. I am worried the kids are getting the wrong idea about seat belts, that it might be a choice to wear them or not. He says back to you "you want to make me wear a seat belt but I hate that choking feeling....and there goes the communication.

So you have to practice this activity in the therapy sessions so you can stay on track and make progress. You both can grow from this and learn what the other one expects your words to mean and you get to say NO WAY, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT WAY!

I told my husband I thought he looked handsome in a suit. He took that to mean I thought he was ugly when he didn't have a suit on. We can all learn things by listening and telling the other person "This is what I heard you say".

The other things I learned in therapy are long and time consuming. One of the most important things I learned through therapy was to listen to what he was saying and ask him for clarification as to what that meant to him when things were out of control.

I also learned that I spiral out of control when I am stressed out, to take care of myself mentally and physically is important to the peace and well being of my home.

And that this man loves me, he gave me his heart to hold in my hands, that "I" have the power to crush him, that I can deal him a blow he will never recover from emotionally. So I should treat him with respect and with compassion.

Sounds like you're saying we all have all the skills needed to make a marriage work. Your example of of hubs exploding. Your answer to that is to count to ten and walk away. Geez, if life were only that simple. For someone who has difficulty with anger they cannot walk away. If the could they would. It's my guess you don't have difficulty managing your anger or you've never been in a situation that caused you to feel a great deal of anger. Or been present when someone you know has exploded. Or you wouldn't think it was this easy.

Counseling has helped me most to improve my relationship with my daughter. I would get my angriest with my father and my daughter. I didn't become abusive but I couldn't walk away either. I stood my ground and argued. As a professional I could remain neutral and even help mediate. While personally I was a mess. Both my father and my daughter have clinical issues with anger. The reasons why I couldn't respond in a healthy way are complex. It took me several years in counseling to learn how I influenced the situation. I learned to know when I needed to walk away and when I could remain calm.. My anger was my issue only. I learned that I could not change them but my daughter did make some changes on her own once I had changed.

Questions to consider and deal with in counseling are why do I get so angry? How do I recognize when I'm getting angry and how do I stop myself before I explode? The spouse can also learn these things about their spouse and how they possibly feed into it. How does my response create more anger. How can my spouse and I work together to change this dynamic. Even, can we work together or is change not possible? It's possible that with counseling both people will learn skills to make life flow more smoothly or learn that it's time to move on. With counseling we can learn what we need/want and how to get it.

In any marriage, even good marriages, both can learn skills to improve their communication and increase their sense of well being and happiness.

My husband and I were in marriage counseling for 2-3 years. My husband who has psychiatric issues couldn't follow thru and use the techniques the counselor taught us. I learned that I needed better boundaries. Most of us aren't even aware of boundaries and how they make a difference between acceptance and frustration. Earlier in individual counseling I learned that when I changed the eay I thought I changed the way I felt. In marriage counseling we learned about our hot spots/buttons thatcaused the other person to get hurt, angry, insecure so that we could avoid touching them. I learned how to work on eliminating my own triggers.

Back to the hubs who explodes. He can learn what makes him angry, change his way of thinking about it so that gradually he becomes less sensitive. He may think that when his wife does such a thing he feels less than a man or that he's not good enough or that he's losing control. He can learn thru focused conversation that none of those thoughts are true. His wife can learn to not say or do that thing in that way.

For couples counseling to be successful for most couples both people will learn and make adjustments. Sometimes it helps keep the marriage together when just one person goes and learns new ways of thinking and acting. I learned that I wanted more from my .marriage than my spouse was able to give. I accepted that he was doing the best that he could. I lost my anger when I understood that he wasn't doing this to me. He just wasn't able to love me the way I wanted to be loved. He couldn't live the way I wanted to live. So, I left. I learned much about myself which continues to help me be happy. I'm a healthier person because of the counseling.

I've had some counseling for myself, it helped me sort through some bad childhood stuff that had been affecting me for many years. My daughter had counseling too, for severe anxiety, and it was VERY helpful for her. I mean, I read many, many books/articles on anxious children, but going to see a professional who's trained and has hands on experience working with a variety of children/teens with this disorder did more for her than I ever could.
I haven't been through marriage counseling, but I think it's not much different. When two people come together and form a couple they bring all their issues and baggage with them. Sometimes these issues don't surface until the stresses of life start building up (kids, bills, aging, etc.) It makes sense to go to a third party, professional, non judgemental person to help sort through it all.

It's not about changing people. It really is about teaching tools and skills that people don't already have. There needs to be a safe place to discuss certain issues and with someone who can help identify why those issues are a trigger. Figuring out that taking turns while talking and listening while the other is speaking is valuable. Figuring out that an argument is not a fight is valuable. Figuring out that an argument is not a competition to win is valuable.

The point is not to change anyone but to change the dynamic in how you relate to each other and how you communicate.

There's something about having an impartial person listening and moderating and validating that some behaviour isn't acceptable. My husband and I went for a little while and it was helpful and if it wasn't so inconvenient, we'd go back. My husband listens to him! I agree that something like a temper is hard to control but I do think a 3rd party saying it's not ok will help. But it'll only help if both people want to be better and have a good marriage. My husband happened to really like this doctor and had seen him on his own for career advice at one point. So I think that helped too. So now if he does something we discussed, I'll say "what do you think Dr X would say about that?" and he gets a guilty look and laughs. Not that it was all about what he does wrong but the doctor agreeing that certain things are inconsiderate really helped my case. To your point, he'll still do them but at least he tries harder not to and gets my annoyance and responds appropriately instead of acting like it's my issue...

The thing about marriage counseling is that people usually wait until it's too late to go. At least one has already checked out of the relationship. It can work great if you can use it as maintenance for your relationship.

My husband and I went twice. The first time, it was a waste of money and time. The second time, it was much better. She wanted to meet with me alone first, and then the two of us.

She listened to both of us and gave us advice and tools to move forward and past our issues. The most important thing was that she reworded things we were saying if the other person didn't understand our take. I can tell you the last year of my marriage has been the best as far as our communication and honesty. We have some BIG things that popped up and things I don't consider "normal" in a marriage, but we work through the best we can with honesty. We do have trust issues from prior to our marriage, and instead of letting those fester, we tell each other when we feel the need to want to look at the other person's phone or ask questions about things. For us, it's about talking through things before they get to where they cause problems. The last therapist really helped us tremendously.

I can't say we won't ever go back again, but for now, we definitely feel we have the tools to success for us.

Yes. And sometimes you need a third party to get communication going again. If you are at the point where you need counseling, then you need new tools and strategies. Sometimes what you need to understand about yourself or the other person is the whys behind the behavior. If your husband blows up, what is really going on? And how does he resolve that so that he doesn't hurt you with his behavior? If he "knows" he should do it, why doesn't he? That can be a conversation a counselor can help him with, and in turn, help the family.

Sometimes it does not work. My DH tried counseling with his ex and she walked out of the session when the counselor called her on her behavior and never looked back. DH continued on his own and the counselor helped him come to terms with the state of his marriage.

Counseling is not always fun. Sometimes it highlights something in YOU that you'd rather not look at, but a marriage is rarely built or broken by one party only. Both people have to be willing to take stock of themselves and be open to change and understanding.

Honestly, I think people CAN change. My husband and I have grown a TON over the years because we made the choice to do so. That being said, the person or people have to WANT to make the change. This means that one has to be able to recognize the benefit in changing the situation. Some people are truly, excessively narcissistic. I'm not sure if your husband is one of those people or not. I know people who are that way and I don't think they are necessarily capable of changing. There are personality disorders that outline those personality types.

But, first things first, if I were you, I would seek out counseling regardless of what your husband chooses. There may be areas that you can work on for YOU, to make your life easier and more enjoyable. I've found that when I focus on bettering myself, that the rest falls into place.

Hope this makes sense. Ultimately, YOU can choose change. You can choose to help yourself. Hopefully, your partner will join you in this, but ultimately, you are only responsible for your own decisions.

There are varying types of marriage counselors. Some will sit and nod. Others will take sides. Few are ideal. I found that I like to go to counseling alone and just use the tools that they give to better me.