Normal or Not? Family Drama

there are a lot of issues here, and i have no clue who's at fault or who owes whom an apology.
but i tell you one thing- if my mother came to my job and confronted MY manager, i'd be lit up. who the hell does she think she is?
it sounds to me as if the first thing that needs to happen here, before anything can be worked out with anybody, is to establish firm boundaries.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

No the family being involved with the employer needs to stop now and that means even if I have to get a restraining order.

Others have already given good advice -- couples marriage counseling WITH your husband is absolutely essential (and if he refuses to go, that could be a deal-breaker, to me) and so is individual counseling for you, so that you can get some strategies for setting boundaries and - to be really frank -- being more mature here in every aspect of this. I was surprised to read your age because this all sounds like how family would act around a far younger family member, and your marriage sounds like a "young" marriage -- the fact that it isn't is telling; you and he need serious counseling.

I want to add, regarding one particular part of this: If you have not been back to work since your mom steamed in and confronted your boss, you need to make it your top priority, the instant you return to work, to have a brief, professional and serious conversation with him. By professional, I mean that you do NOT get emotional or teary, do not make excuses for yourself or your mom, and do not blurt out your problems to him or ask him for personal advice. Tell him that you want to acknowledge that your mother was entirely out of line; apologize for her presence in the office, and -- finally but crucially -- you let him know that this will not happen again. Then you never bring it up with him again and you work like crazy to appear as efficient and ideal as you can, because mom dragged your family drama in front of your boss. Hideous but YOU have to fix this at work. Not just your boss but everyone in the office knows about it by now and you have to deal with that.

And you have to make sure it does not happen again. If your office has a security desk where people have to sign in to visit, make sure the people who run that desk know that your family members are not allowed to come past that desk; if they come to the office they need to remain there and the guards or receptionist must call you to come down to them. Never, ever let your mom or husband or anyone else into the office. Tell them this is a new company policy in the new year and don't mention that it's really all about them.

Your do realize that your mother's behavior could have seriously jeopardized your JOB, right? And could still be jeopardizing it? Do you get that amid all the other drama? If you and your husband split up, you will need that job. Mommy needs boundaries and if that means you have to enlist the front desk receptionist or whoever to say the company doesn't let people in -- so be it.

No, it's not normal. Your mother is WAY out of line. I can't believe she showed up at your work and talked to your manager, essentially accusing him of having an affair with you. The guy should have kicked her out of his office.

Stop beating yourself up. You have done nothing wrong.

You need to grow up fast and stand up to your mother. If she is rude or demeaning, hang up the phone or kick her out of your house. Tell her under no circumstances is she allowed to butt in and harm your marriage any more.

Stop being so hard on yourself. It is your family, and especially your mother, who is in the wrong.

Go hang out with your husband's family if your own family can't be nice.

Stop making excuses and explaining your behavior to your mother and sister. Ask them to leave. Hang up the phone.

You need counseling, dear, to learn to work on boundaries and healthy communication.

It is not healthy for your family to be this involved.
-If my husband called my family over and dished out all the details of our personal life, I would feel so betrayed. It is not their business. What he did was make it so that everyone had to pick a side- his side preferably, right?
-You owed no apologies to your sister and mother. Not coming home in a timely manner does not affect them. Your apology was made to your husband already.
-I would not have spent Christmas with them, either.

Here is what I would do:
1- Get into couples therapy asap. You guys need someone to help you with navigating your issues, but it needs to be a neutral third party. not your family.
2-Learn how to make boundaries. I know there are many good books and articles you can read to learn this, you could also work with a counselor. You need to learn this because your family keeps crossing boundaries. Showing up at your place of work uninvited to confront you or your manager is absolutely never ok.
3-Hopefully your husband can agree not to get family involved any longer, especially if you can get into some counseling. If your family does call or show up, I would refuse to discuss the marriage stuff with them. Let them know that it is private and that you are working on it WITHOUT them.

First of all you made a mistake, you did not committ a felony!

You need unconditional love and support from your family, not a judge and jury.

Your post reminds me of a John Bradshaw quote, "Hockey players don't hang out with chess players......they don't know the rules". Meaning, sometimes we pick someone who has the same issues we do. That is ok, there is still growth.

You need to set boundaries with sis and mom. If they cannot be supportive then they are out of the picture. For this issue.

please work n your marriage with a reputable counselor and be patient. It takes time and honesty :-).

No, functional families do not interfer like this.
Sorry to be so blunt.

It sounds like you know you have a problem, both with your marriage and in how you deal with it. I can completely understand how you would just want to escape for a few hours and not come home to that drama, but I can tell you from a situation close to my family that it creates a terrible impression. Like it or not, there's a double standard for how women can behave (especially with parties, drinking and staying somewhere else overnight) than men. That doesn't make it right, but it's the reality you have to deal with.

And of course you know you aren't solving anything. The money spent on happy hour should go for counseling - with your husband if he will go, and alone if he will not.

It's wonderful that his family was supportive. Your mother and sister are way out of line though - under no circumstances should they gang up on you with your children in the house. And the mother going to your employer?? WHAT?? So unprofessional and inappropriate. You are an adult. Your mother is a complete "helicopter" parent, hovering and buzzing about. Those types of parents are a huge headache for employers, and there have been many news stories of parents calling about their adult child's raise, performance review, overtime schedule and so on. They need to back off.

Get your mother and sister out of your house. If they have keys, get them back. Don't allow your husband to gang up on you with them there. You two either have a marriage, or you do not. He is immature if that's his style.

You ARE depressed, and you are apparently being verbally and mentally abused. You must get professional intervention immediately.

And not all families are perfect. Lots of people have to cut ties or limit contact with their families of origin because of toxic relationships. You cannot learn the necessary skills to have a good marriage from people who are not balanced themselves.

I wouldn't have had the sit down. I would have said that it was between myself and my husband and I wasn't going to hash out my marriage in front of my children. Your not coming home is between you and him. Not you, him and a jury. You need to handle your business within your marriage. You're a grown woman. He can't (or shouldn't) go tell your mother on you.

I would also be very angry if my mother interfered with my job. Her behavior can get you fired. My DH was almost fired when his ex called him at work to pick fights. He was told to get his personal business in order or he would not be able to keep his job.

I think you need to keep things a lot closer to the vest and stand up for yourself in general. Your husband tattling to them is a huge problem - between you and him. I'd insist on marital counseling if you want to salvage the marriage, or individual counseling if you do not.

You also need to evaluate, aside from your marriage, if your relationships with your mother and sister are healthy to begin with. They may be toxic in their own right and feed off drama like leeches. Some people do. So you may repair your marriage but need to instill firm boundaries with mom and sis, even if that doesn't make them happy.

It's not normal. I would have apologized ONLY for kicking them out of my house when they decided to show up to berate me and call me names. As in, "I'm sorry, Mom and Dad and Sister, but we're dealing with some issues right now and we don't have time for this. No, this is a private matter no matter what he told you. I'm sorry you were dragged into it but we're working on this privately now. Good-bye."

As for the rest of that clusterflock, I barely know where to start. You and your husband both need to grow up. You're adults with your own children. You're married.

So issue #1: You need to keep your marital arguments in your own home unless you are being abused. There are too many people in your marriage. Your husband invited them in this time... but you allowed them to stay. I take it that this is typical.

Issue #2: You left your marriage. You walked out of the house and you didn't come home while you were upset. You gave up. And while you criticize your husband and family for getting the wrong idea and OMG how could they think that of you, honestly lady... how could they not? The appearance of impropriety is enough. And honestly, by your own words you repeatedly leave your marriage to go out drinking to escape rather than attempt to do the hard work of communicating and fixing.

Issue #3: You and your husband seem to be talking to everyone in the world except for each other. Spending time with everyone except each other. Explaining to everyone except each other. There's absolutely no communication in your marriage. You don't listen to each other. It sounds like there's a lot of shouting and screaming and demanding of vague expectations, but you're not taking turns listening to each other and actually talking.

Issue #4: You apologized to your parents when you should have been apologizing to your husband.

Issue #6: You had expectations that in order to make your marriage work, your husband had to the one to change but it doesn't work that way. It's a partnership which means YOU BOTH need to change and make compromises and communicate. But neither of you knows how so you need a marriage counselor, preferably a psychiatrist. You both need seriously therapy to learn to communicate, which isn't just learning how to say what you want to say. Communicating means learning how to listen.

Go get marriage counseling and also get therapy for yourself individually. You have GOT to deal with your family issues and learn how to put some healthy boundaries up.

Taking many of your posts together,
So many boundary issues. None of you have good boundaries.
Your communication is terrible.
The anger issues are not just your H's.

I don't know that you are your worst critic since everybody seems to love to criticize. Your sister called CPS? Your mom talked to your boss? Your husband told all your issues?

Your question of, is this normal, means you don't know any other way of living. None of this is normal or healthy.

Grow up and take responsibility for getting outside help so your kids can know what normal really is. You need your own counselor. They can give you advice that you can use to get on track, set boundaries and think of your kids. Right now, they must be broken.

There is a wonderful book entitled: "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Go get a copy and read it...then read it again!! Then find a counselor and have them go over the point in the book you are having trouble with because you are having major boundary issues.

You can come slinking home in the morning (which you knew was wrong) and face your husband...because it is your and his business. But when you found your mother there, you should have thanked her for coming and told her that you and your husband had some things to discuss and that you would call her when you guys had worked it out. Then showed her the door and when your sister arrived, not let her in the house. "I am sorry but my husband and I are having a personal discussion right now. I will call you when I can, thanks for coming by, see you later." and close the door.

If your family is bringing you down don't answer their calls, don't let them in the door. They are not part of your marriage!!

Oh, oh, oh, I am seeing red about your mother going to your place of business and talking with your boss!! You are a grown adult, not a school child, your place of business is sacred. You are the only one allowed to deal with workplace issues. You are an ADULT!! I don't think I would speak to my mother for weeks if not months unless she apologized for doing that and told me she would never ever ever do anything like that again. She stripped your power away from you with your boss. If that happened I would be temped to look for another job because they will never look at you the same way again. Oh I am so very very angry for you!!

The only person who deserves an apology for your behavior is your husband...you and he makes up your marriage an no one else.

Stop talking to your mother and sister, then start talking to a counselor by yourself and then with your husband if he will go.

This is not normal or typical of how a family should work. Sending you a great big hug!!!

I think you have a fear of confrontation and you need to get over it.
Talking with your husband is fine but avoiding him as much as possible isn't.
Avoidance solves nothing - take that bull by the horns and wrestle with it.
You and he need to work things out - get a marriage counselor.
If you couldn't make it home you should have called and left a message - it's the polite thing to do so people don't worry.
Not calling was your only mistake in that situation.

As for your Mom and sister (and your husband for dragging them into it):
inform them all that to the best of your knowledge marriage is between two people (I'm not going to get into polygamy here), specifically in your case between YOU and your HUSBAND and your mom and sister can butt out.

No one is perfect - including your mom and sister - and anytime they try to brow beat you feel free to point out the areas that they need to work on.
You can also tell them that unless they are certified marriage counselors, they are not even qualified to comment on your situation and even if they were you would not consult them about it since there would be a conflict of interest.

They won't treat you like a little girl once you grow a back bone and stand up to them - and then refuse any behavior on their part that puts you down.
Try not to feel torn/sad/disappointed in yourself.
Go boldly where you have never gone before.
Sure you'll make mistakes and will sometimes piss people off - so what?
People are not afraid to piss you off.
This is all part of the give and take of life.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and hold your head high.

Your family is very dysfunctional and sick, Pof5.

I don't think there's one person in particular who is unhealthy-- the whole dynamic is unhealthy.

You were avoiding being home by going out and drinking. I can understand why your spouse had a problem with this. And you chose to put yourself in a bad position when you didn't come home at night. Try to remember-- as stressed out as you are, your kids need to see you coming home at night. When we don't return all night, this is significant, and I think you know this.

It probably would have been better if you and your husband had stayed separated if there's so much tension that you are always arguing.

That said, your mom and sister could be worried about you,but they aren't showing this in a healthy way at all. And your mom waaaaaay overstepped boundaries by going in to your work. You need to tell her to NEVER, EVER do that again. That even if you completely and royally mess up, she needs to only help you in IF and WHEN you ask her for help.

Are you going to any sort of counseling, talking to anyone about trying to repair your marriage or make boundaries with your family? I don't want to stretch things too far, but my guess is that these issues are compounding your depression and negative feelings about yourself.

Figure out healthy ways to deal with the tension in your marriage. Maybe the separation needs to happen, maybe you need more help with a counselor, because marriages rarely just heal themselves. But I would work on becoming a team with husband when it comes to communicating with your family. I mean, your husband DID unload and let them hear about his every complaint he has about your behavior-- so some responsibility needs to go there, but your mom's reaction of going to your employer was beyond the pale. I'd work on making some very strong boundaries with your family.

For what it's worth, when I was processing my relationship with my ex, (while we were still married) I had my eyes opened to the massive amount of dysfunction that was going on in my own maternal family/my mom and why/how that DID carry over into my other relationships. I know your plate is full right now, but this is worth examining. Usually, how we are treated in our first family home sets us up for choosing the partner we have and how we function in our own family with our kids and spouse. ***You want to identify this stuff so you don't pass it on to your own kids.*** Try to go forward being more solution-oriented and do get some outside help as you work on this stuff... it's hard to go it alone, and if you don't have support from your family and support is only conditional from your husband--well, you NEED support to make good changes. Said as someone who has 'been there, done that', felt lower than low and has walked through fire-- change is hard, but it can happen. Good luck.

Good Lord woman - you got trashed at your company Christmas party & didn't come home that night. You're married and have small children. What were you thinking? I have no idea what the deal is with your husband - but you all sound pretty immature - your husband, sister & mom included.

I suggest you begin to act like an adult, stop the partying and lay low. Be responsible with your childred, job & spouse.

Was your mom wrong to get so involved? I don't know - I guess your husband called her wondering where you were that night, she was at your house in the morning - probably getting ready to start calling hospitals in the area and wondering how she was going to care for her grandchildren if you were gone. Had i been dragged into that situation I would not have reacted quite the way your mom did - but I'm not sure I blame her. If I read this correctly you were missing - so moms all over the world are going to wonder - was she kidnapped & harmed in some way? Was there a horrible auto accident? is she dead on the side of the road? then to mom's relief daughter comes strolling home in the morning maybe smelling like the alcohol she drank the night before?

Yes your mom was wrong to confront your boss - but I don't know what to tell you - you certainly have made an impression at your new job!

So much going on here...

First off, why are you apologizing to his family and yours? The mistakes in your marriage on none of their business. Your husband is the one that is owed an apology for your behavior.

I get being unhappy in your marriage. However, it sounds like you decided to spend a lot of time at "Happy Hour" instead of dealing with the issues that you had in your marriage. Where were your three kids while you were running from your marriage? If you were ignoring their needs to go to Happy Hour frequently, then your husband has a valid beef with you.

Bottom line...work on your marriage first. Your family and his family should not be part of that.

Often we are our own worst enemy/critic. Don't be so hard on yourself and focus on moving forward.

Right now, your focus is your family (husband & children). Your mom and sisters love you and will (likely) always love you. Perhaps they are disappointed in what they have learned, whatever that may be.

My aunt always had a saying. There are 3 sides to every story, your side, my side, and the truth.

With that said, we don't know what your husband has shared with your family, but it may have had a few twists and turns in the road. That happens.

Depression happens when you stop caring. Focus and take control of yourself and your family.

Although I would not react to the extent your family is if my daughter was pushing her family away, children included, I would be very concerned. You talk about going to happy hour with friends, getting drunk enough at a party you couldn't drive, apparently too drunk to say just take me home or you didn't want to go home and face your husband drunk?

Say you divorce, how do you think the court would look at your behavior? That would be what I as a mother would be concerned with in my daughter. I would be concerned she is only looking at her own needs and not the impact of her choices on her children.

The only time you mention your kids is that they were home when they talked to you. Do you really think they don't know what is going on? Do you really think they are not asking your husband where mom is and he is probably tired of lying. Do you really think your children aren't thinking mom would rather go out and get drunk than be home with us. Kids do not see divorce and separation is about the adults they almost always think it is about them, that isn't fair.

You need to talk to someone, get therapy, whatever. You are hurting your kids, focus on that, pretty sure that is the only reason your mom and sister are behaving as they are. They are trying tough love to pull you out of this.

Not normal.
You've gotta own your issues, not drag everyone else into them.
In November, you said you we're going to look into counseling.
Did you?
Sounds like you should. You're "torn...sad...destroyed..disappointed..." Yet what ACTION have you taken to fix this?
Good luck.

Wow. Your mom stormed into your work place?!

No. This level of involvement is not normal. Also not loving behavior.

The thing is, they cannot be this involved without your permission. So revoke that permission. You do not owe them that much space in your adult life. Stand up for yourself. Time to set some firm limits and boundaries. Start with, "I appreciate that you want to help, but my marriage is between my husband and me. Not you. Your behavior is doing damage to our relationship, not helping. Stay out of it." And, "You are never to show up at my workplace again without an invitation."

Yes, you did screw up, but what does that have to do with them? That is between you and your husband. They are not your judge and jury.

You can't change them, but you can limit contact if they refuse to give you appropriate space and respect your boundaries.

Not normal.

Stop acting like a child and maybe they will stop treating you like one. We typically get treated the way we act.

I'm surprised you weren't fired from your job after your mom went in to talk to your manager. Totally inappropriate and unacceptable.

You are owning your mistake. it's not a crime and your family is treating it like it was some horrible felony. I can't understand a mom not going home to her kids, you didn't leave them alone. Your husband was there.

You are depressed. Your actions are screaming depression. Staying away from the house, drinking and happy hours instead of confronting the problems. You need counseling. Your marriage needs counseling.

You need to set clear boundaries for your family. Do not allow them to cross those boundaries. This will mean that you have to grow up. Just because you are a mother doesn't mean you are grown up. Now you need to start taking responsibility for your actions. I love Christy Lee's advice - read it again. Act on it. Live it.

You've received a lot of great advice. Like Wild Woman said - read it like you were your best friend. I think we are all our own worst critics. The question is, are you going to grow from your self-criticism or keep doing the same thing?