Marriage Problems - Monroe,MI

Carissa-

My advice to you is LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND!!! but one thing the others women didnt address is you issue with your step-daughter. Wether you saw yourself having 2 kids or not you got 2. I hope your not taking the fact that you dont want her there out on her. You knew when you met this man that he had a child. She was there before you and will be there after you. I'm sure your husband not being a good father is affecting her too not just your child. Also if she is living with you full time "all of the sudden" then there must be a problem with her mother too. Any way what I'm trying to say is forget about the kittens and pay more attention to your step daughter I'm sure she needs it more. I know you have alot of your own issues right now but your an adult and she is an 8 yr old child who needs love and attention. Good Luck

Honey, life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't respect you. Sit him down and tell him things need to change. Definitely try counseling, an objective third party might help him realize what a jerk he's being. And if he refuses to go or to change, pack up and leave. Tell him if he's interested in changing he can call you. NO woman deserves to be treated that way, and you need to stand up for yourself. You're BOTH in the relationship and you need to be able to respect each other.

A friend of mine actually just threw her husband out for always either being out with his friends or, more importantly, sitting at home hopped up on vicoden while she was at work. He would let their 3 daughters (3, 4, and 6) wander the neighborhood, and wouldn't even bother to feed them most days. So she had to quit her job to stay home with them. When he OD'd, the hospital offered him rehab, and he denied it. That was the last straw, she threw him out. I've heard that since then, he actually went to rehab, but she hasn't let him come home. She's doing much better without him emotionally, even if she is a little strapped for cash.

Anyway, my point is, if he won't change for the better, it's time to leave, at least for a little while till he realizes what he's lost. You never know, maybe not having you there will make him realize how much he wants you around, and he'll change. But do everyone a favor and don't stay just for your daughter, the stress and resentment will affect her. You're better off leaving, even if it's a permanent arrangement.

I have something good for you. Start acting like a single, independant woman. If you are working and helping financially around the house. Make that be known. If you are stay at home mom. (As much as it may bug you) Don't do anything. Only do for you and the kids. Don't make his plate when you cook dinner, when you wash his clothes, don't fold them or put them away, when you clean, only clean you and the kids' mess. When he sees that you are content even when he isn't around, he'll get he picture. It seems that all these marital problems that all of are/have faced, I have/are going through them. And all the advice I'm giving has worked for me and I have the most spoiled, hot blooded, lazy, childish husband around. And if thses tactics have worked on him, then I'm pretty sure they will on anybody elses. Good luck.

C.,

Dear Lord you are going through some tough times. I am someone who deeply honors marriage vowels, but there is more to life and someone out there who will love, respect and admire you AND your daughter. How old are you anyway? I was 27, I stayed with a controlling, manipulative man for almost 10 years. My life has been so much better since I left that relationship and my kids are happier too! I would at least get your ducks in a row. He may need a wake up call, time to pack your bags!

Good luck!

Wow, it sounds like you really have another child. Is your husband 12 or something. What kind of a joke is to make your spouse think you are cheating on them. Why do you put up with it?

C.,
I am going through a divorce right now, with a 5 year old daughter ..so I know it's not easy. Let me just say what I have learned from years of being lied to and getting no respect ....walk away now with dignity. If you don't he will take all of what self respect you have for yourself and crush it. If he doesn't care now, chances are good that he never will. You (and your child most of all) deserve a loving caring person in your life, without that you're better off alone. Best of luck.

Hello C.-

It sounds like your having some serious issues with your husband. I couldn't help but say to myself "this guy needs to grow up". If he is aware that you have a panic disorder, why in the world would he play a joke like that on you?? He sounds very immature and not dependable as a "father". Sorry to be so cruel...He needs a serious wake up call. He has a responsibility to you and your child. That comes before friend & jokes. I think you really need to sit him down and make him realize what his role should be.

I'm not really answering your question, but the hands tingling and going numb was the first symptom my best friend had of multiple sclerosis. If it persists, you might want to get checked for it.

Wow! Your husband sounds a little like mine. He likes to joke around a little too much and it drives me nuts. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time coping. Find consulation in your child and love on his too. She may be going through some difficult feelings, and I'm sure she is feeling what maybe you feel with frustration's towards her dad. I find myself talking to God a lot. Especially since losing my mom suddenly a couple months ago. He gives me strength and comfort, and truthfully it has been helping with my marriage. Your husband is trying to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to him. I don't like sharing a whole lot with my family and I definately don't like talking to his about anything. Do you have a close friend that can encourage you? I would try to find a source of help perhaps from a reverand. Think about finding a womans group somewhere that will help offer encouragement. Mamasource seems to be a good way to vent. I would be happy to "listen". Email ____@____.com anytime you want to vent.
T.

Hi C.:

It sounds like your husband is really immature and needs to grow up. I hope that you are sticking up for yourself. I get the sense that you may have some confidence issues. You deserve to be treated better and your daughter needs to grow up with a strong mom. I would look into marriage counseling if your husband would go, but if he doesn't, you should go on your own. You shouldn't allow him to treat you this way. You are better than that. I hope this helps.

Wow! Your husband needs to grow up! He should not be putting you through this! I would talk to him and explain how you feel and let him know that you want someone who is considerate of your feelings and who loves and understands you. It sounds as if he just does not care, and you deserve more than that! Talk to him and see if he would consider marriage counseling to work out some of your problems out. If not, he is not going to change, so pack his bags and kick him to the curb!

You don't really say how old you are but that really doesn't matter. I may have missed that too but I think that if this doesn't change, you're going to have one looonnng miserable life. I would suggest counseling or possibly a separation. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like this guy is being honest, faithful or very supportive to you in any way. The phone call business was not funny but very cruel and I think a very bad sign. I always say the last one to really know what is going on is the victim, you! I could be wrong and have never been in your shoes but I often get phone calls from my sister in law who we tried to talk out of marrying her now husband and he's always been an idiot and has not changed in almost 13 years! She's just 13 years older and still miserable. Would love to hear how you are doing down the road and what you've decided but if you want to move forward, get a job, find a child care sitter and be independant of your husband or he has all the control at this point. My sister in law did this and now has a little bit to stand on even though he makes a great deal more money than she does. Good luck~

I agree with a lot of the responses. He needs to grow up and be a man. With two children, its time. If you don't have respect, you can't have love or anything else.

Put everything into perspective in your own mind.. do you want your daughter to grow up thinking its normal and ok for a woman to be treated like this? That its normal for a "daddys" role to be the one your husband created?

Most children pattern after their parents.. sad, but true. And she could very well end up marrying someone who treats her the same way or worse because that's the familiar.

Go get some counceling. Together if possible.. for yourself if not. Then that will help you sort out the big decisions.. and be stronger in yourself. THAT'S what you want to model for your daughter. That women can be strong, independant, and are worth the world.

And as you get stronger if you stay in the relationship... know you'll get flak. He'll know your changing and it will scare him. He'll either grow up, or you'll know he never will. Either way, it will be better for everyone. Then you'll know if it can be saved or not.

You do deserve love and respect. Everyone does. It'll tear you apart to keep the status quo. So choose not to. That's my advise.

Good luck, its a hard road. But do know you can't change anyone.. they have to change themselves. Your only responsible for yourself and your daughter. And I agree, you do have 2 children right now, ready or not! So try to love and cherish the other little girl, she may need your help more than you realize!

I used to have panic attacks myself... take things as they come and try not to worry about what is next. Set goals you can achieve, and don't take on extra things. You've got enough on your plate right now, set things in motion as goals to help the situation instead of things you have little control over.

You need to focus on yourself right now.. and make YOU a priority. It will help your daughter out tremendously.

J.