Married and Feel like a Single Mom

wow, I dont have an answer but I feel Im in the same marrige as you. Im so sad to admit......the only differnce is my husband does not insult me and he does let me do whatever I want. He goes on guys trips and tells me to go but I would rather go with him. Since we never have time alone. If I do go I feel guilty and feel like Im putting him out for taking care of the kids.

Ignore the advice to act sexy and lure him back, there is no way you can feel good about yourself doing that after what he said. Your purpose in life is not to be his blow-up doll.

Preserve your dignity you deserve it.

Sounds like you already know the answer to your question sweetie. The fact is staying is usually easier than leaving, thats why people stay. I can tell you what gave me the strength to leave, I looked at my daughter and realized kids don't do what you say, they do what you do. So what ever I let him say to me, what ever double standards I chose to abide by (because it's always a choice, you could leave with the girls if you chose to at least once in ten years) what ever example I set of how and what a woman should be treated like....she would do what I do some day. So if my goal was to raise a strong confident, loveing child...I needed to be a strong confident loveing person. If I wanted my daughter to know she deserved to be treated like gold, I had to demand a relationship, in wich I was treated like gold. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life to this day, but I to this day, remind my daughter, she is the reason for every good choice I have ever made! One good choice leads to another and all I did was treat myself the way I wanted her to be treated....six years later, life is good. Not Perfect!! But very, very good:) It took time to heal, get better I should say...in order to attract a good man. I have:) we are engaged and in the process of buying property together and plan on getting married in our new home once it's all fixed up. He treats me like gold and my daughter chooses to call him dad...the X well he never did like helping with the kids so after the novelty of just "getting control" wore off he stopped picking them up. True colors come through in the end...his and yours will, but if you need someone to tell you, you need to go....look in the mirror, you are your own best advisor in the long run:) Good luck, I will pray for your strength and wisdom in order to be able to make a good choice:)

please go read www.drirene.com
i just left a verbally abusive marriage and this sounds exactly the same as what i went through.
educate yourself, get strong.
feel free to message me if you want more info.
Counseling won't work with these kids of situations.
HUGS
T.

Everyone has given good answers. I agree with the need to talk with him and explain that you are not happy and that you are considering leaving. DO NOT tell him you want to go back home because you would need help with the kids! He'll use this against you. But, you can get counseling and you can talk to an attorney. Legal Aid can help if you don't have money, although I wouldn't use them if you don't have too. Get a free consultation and ask about being able to take the kids back to LA for moral support for you and the kids. Know the facts before you do anything. If you have to leave, get an apartment there, for a year or so, do it. He probably will do one of two things, either turn into the guy you knew before, or he will care less about any of you, then you can go back to court and say, he never sees the kids. Be sure to start keeping a journal, hide it where he can't see it. Put in there anything and everything he does. The date, time and what he said. So when you go to court, if you decide to do that, you have good evidence of his abusive tendencies and lack of child care.
As for leaving, everyone is correct, only you can make that decision. Get the facts before you decide. Also, put money back, and prepare for a move in case you ever have to leave quickly.
With the way they do visitations now, you aren't that far away where he couldn't have the kids over the summer etc....but, you need to make sure that he is fit to watch them......does he have parents that could help him if you leave the state? What would he do on the weekends if you leave him but stay in state? Unfortunately, you can't control what he does with the kids on his weekends unless you can prove that he shouldn't see them or have chaperoned visitation.
You have much to think about. Take it slow and know what you want if you can before you have to do it.
There are always people to talk to, even on here, so use it! Take care and Good luck.

Oh man! You poor thing! You need to do what is best for you AND the kids. I think a lot of women think that staying is the best thing for the kids, but I am not so sure. Being raised by parents who no longer love or respect each and a mother that is clearly unhappy isn't going to be good for your kids in the long run. I am not saying you should leave him. You'll come to that in your own time. BUT don't think that by staying in a unhappy marriage you're are necessarily doing your kids any favors. I hope you find happiness, whatever that means for you and your family.

No one can tell you to stay or go. But I wouldn't let things continue the way they have been. You need to get him alone and have a serious talk with him. About his behavior and the things he's saying to you. Staying with some one who is unsupportive and mean isnt good for you, or those kids. Having a baby puts alot of strain on a marriage, but that doesnt excuse his behavior. Be pro-active, don't become complacent in a loveless marriage because you think its best for your kids, it's not

"During the argument he proceeded to tell me that I was fat and that he doesn't love me anymore and regrets having our 2nd daughter with me but then again tells me that if we divorced I wouldn't be able to take the kids away."

Your husband sounds a bit like an emotional abuser and you do not deserve this. You have 2 daughters, would you EVER allow anyone to speak to THEM like this? Then why are you allowing him to speak to you like this?

You 2 need to go to therapy. If he will not go, you go alone and take the above quote with you.

You did not mention how long you have been married, how old the 2 of you are and if you had really discussed the second child prior to getting pregnant.

Marriages go in cycles. They also tend to follow a pattern by years. If you can work through these bumps, you will become stronger as a couple.. To make it even tougher, men and women change based on age. Men can go through a mid life crisis, the moment they turn 30 or 40.. then there really is Men=opause for men. If he has always been this way, you need to stop and ask your self, "Would I be better off with him or without him?"

Be strong. I am sending you strength and clarity. You are a mom. you are a powerful person, you deserve respect.

Wow... My heart goes out to you. My husband was similar with our first child but much better with our second. I wouldn't put up with that behavior! My mother always told me that "you are only treated the way you allow yourself to be treated." WIth that in mind- I hate to see break ups but I think that you need to sit him down and talk with him. Tell him that you are leaving if he doesn't want to work things out. Then start looking for oher places etc. If you want to move to LA to be around family- that is totally understandble. However, be careful because he may see that as a threat- explain to him that you need help with the kids.

I am here if you need a shoulder. Message me if you want to talk~

Take care and best wishes!

A. B.

**Adding this: do NOT tell him you are thinking of leaving or are... UNTIL you have done all your research and got an Attorney for yourself. YOU want to have the upper hand... not him. Nor give him any ammunition to use against you. And hopefully he does not retaliate against you.

Lots of good advice here.

Now, he said he will NOT let you take the kids.
If you move, to LA where your family is... he will NOT allow that. So be prepared for a battle about it.... about custody.

I would, DOCUMENT, everything he says and does, with the DATES of his statements. So that you will have "proof" of what he is saying/doing. You really need to do that. For your benefit.
AND.. tell your family.. so that there is other proof as to how he is treating you AND the children.
He is probably counting on the fact that you will not tell anyone. But you must... for your protection and to retain any sort of custody over your children. YOU are the Mom. He does not take care of his family. YOU do.

Really, he is mean.
He is not being a Husband or Dad.
He said he "regrets" having a 2nd child with you. Gee... that will really harm your child... he is acting like that child is just an object, not a human being. I bet he treats his TV remote with more respect that he treats you AND the kids.

See if he will go to marriage counseling....
See what underlying problems he has, and if there is ANY hope, to your marriage.

Do you both spend time together as a couple? If not, then maybe making a conscious effort, AND he making effort to, may help. Or at least bring the 2 of you to a point where you can continue to grow together.
You have been married 7 years... and unless it was always this way... then perhaps something about it can be fixed... or rehabilitated?

Well, think long and hard about it. But, him being mean/abusive/neglectful toward you AND the children... is just damaging. And, there is no excuse for that. He is neglecting the kids too. Very very selfish of him... to say the least.

All the best,
Susan

Marriage is like a garden.
It takes a lot of Love
and a little work each day.

HI!

I just wanted to reach out to you and give you my support. i can understand feeling like a single mom. My DH is a police officer and his hours are long. He helps when he can but, because he works graves, that is only about 2-3 hours a day.
If you are feeling low on yourself and, as it seems, maybe a little depressed then you really need to address the problem. I felt this way and we went through this same issue. I made him stay at home with the kids and started doing something for myself for an hour a day. This showed him that what I do is hard and gave me a chance to reset.
Your husband needs a wake up call. If he is going to treat you that way then you don't need him. Stand up for yourself and tell him how it is. Tell him that if he doesn't straighten up then you will leave. Taking the kids is possible but leaving the state is most likely not possible. You need to check the state laws about that.
Its time for him to shape up or ship out!!!!

Good luck my heart goes out to you!!!

M.

I think you've got plenty of advice already, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and wish you the best. My husband and I went through some problems right after our second child was born and I was miserable and felt misunderstood, underappreciated, trapped, etc. for several months. We went through some group marriage counseling through our church and I can honestly say it was the best thing we've ever done. The guy who taught it has a doctorate in marriage counseling and has been a marriage counselor for 20 something years and was wonderful. I know he does some counseling out of his home here in Queen Creek, but I think he also has an office somewhere in Mesa. He attends my church, but he is not church-affiliated. If you'd like his contact info, please feel free to send me a message.
Good luck to you!

Hi Momof2, I'm in Gilbert also, we are probably neighbors! :o) I went thru the exact same thing with my now ex husband. I kept telling him over and over that I needed his help as I worked full time also outside of the home, yet he couldn't be bothered. It finally got to the point that I just coudn't take it anymore and I kicked him out and divorced him. I now have a wonderful husband who does EVERYTHING for me and our kids and it's like night and day between the 2 of them. I do not encourage divorce, it was the hardest decision I ever made and VERY hard on our 2 kids, but for my own sanity, I had to and don't regret it for a moment. I would talk honestly with him and say hey, if things don't change around here then ____ is going to happen and give it a time frame and stick to it. Email if you need to chat...I've been ____@____.com luck!!!!

You definately need a break to figure out what you want to do. The kids won't be cared for the way you care for them but they definately won't be neglected either. Your problems sounds a lot more deep rooted than he is saying. There is this book called The 5 love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. I would get this book and try counciling one more time but don't stop going because things are getting better. Keep going for a while till all of the issues are resolved.

First,
I am so sorry and I know what it is like to be in your shoes. I had to get out of my situation and it was a very hard thing to do. We did go to counseling for about 6 months and I had one foot out the door and the counselor was aware of it. I selfishly wanted to stay in it so I could just be with my baby and not work. It still sounds like there is some hope for you both since you still are being sexual. All our problems made "the bedroom" a turn off for me and his lack of nurturing. I think it is critical that you do more much needed counseling sessions and just know that it is work but it is an area that you need to reach before you throw in the towel. When one spouse is treating you badly you deal with it and suffer but when he does it to the kids it just amplifies the problem. I am here to say that it takes awhile to adjust to being divorced and I am by no means trying to be a "poster mom" rooting for you to end it. You will still have to communicate with him being divorced and exchanging the kids, but I think it's terrible to feel trapped by a spouse who is acting the way yours is. You need some positivity to being the best mom that you can be. It's the most important job! He is severely taking advantage of you and the situation. It is very very hard for people to change and I think that only 3 % of men truly know how to help out when the lil ones are so little. You don't want to have any regrets by making a quick choice. Seek a GOOD marriage therapist and then you will be able to get to another level of making such a huge life choice.
Blessings to you for guidance and strength ~

Updated

I wanted to add that time goes by slow in some areas and fast in others and your children pick up on the environment that they are around. The motivating factor for me was that I did not want my daughter to think it was ok for someone to treat me and her like the way he was doing it. I want her to respect herself. Please understand that not many people can relate to what you are going through. They just can't imagine it and you need your sanity. I think you have a talk with him and have it written down what you need to say. I have no idea if you are sleep deprived. I was and I had my hormones checked as well.(all were normal- I was just sinking in the relationship) I felt very alone in my situation.
XO

Sounds like you are giving it your all and he doesn't seem to care. I suspect he is purposely pushing you away with these behaviors. Given his family history, his expectations are probably along the same line as his parents. You need to start taking care of yourself and be in a healthier environment. You are already functioning as a single parent. If counseling has proven unsuccessful in the past, I'd recommend focus on counseling for yourself and start getting your things in order to separate. If you stay, you are only going to build up more anger and resentment towards him, as well as lower your self-esteem. Good luck and hang in there!

This is a very personal choice. It is not right to say such hurtful things to you. Him mentioning divorce seems to tell you where his mindset is unfortunately. I will say that for kids to be happy their parents must be happy. Kids learn from their environment and by observation. If parents are unhappy kids will not thrive. Depending on your state you should check the custody laws regarding leaving the state. Some are restrictive. I am overweight and my husband constatntly tells me I am beautiful. Thsi si what you deserve to hear from your spouse. Good luck and stay strong!

When you talk to him about how problematic his behavior is and that you need things to change, you might consider telling him you want to get rid of the TV. If it is getting more of his love and attention than his family then things are out of balance and you might see what happens if you just take that out of the picture completely.

Maybe there is some underlying issue here. Maybe he resents that you work and make more money than him. Granted, I don't know the whole situation, but that is one possible scenario. What you need to do is talk to him and find out what's wrong. Because you work from 7-5 every night, maybe that's affecting how you treat him when you come home from work. Maybe you're not spending enough time with him. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have the right to not be interested in your hubby anymore. I read some good advice from another mom on here. If you act like his sexy and fun girlfriend again, he'll act like your sex and fun boyfriend. I don't know if this will help you or not, but if he's feeling unloved and unappreciated, it might be the answer to your problem. You should definitely sit down and talk to him about him calling you names. That's not right. There's definitely something going on, and you should get to the bottom of it. But please, don't be quick to decide something like leaving. I agree that it's not good for your girls, if you don't treat each other wih respect, but divorce is just as bad for you, him, and your daughters. I have to say that I disagree with that mom who doesn't think divorce is as bad for kids as most people believe. It's horrible for any child to go through, and it's not easy on the parents either. So first, talk to each other and discover what's wrong with him and you. Then work on gaining each other's respect again. Be loving and caring all the time, even if you're tired and don't feel like it. I hope this advice helps. Good luck!