Meeting a Half-sister

Hi D., You are very thoughtful to worry about this. Maybe just go with the flow and I hope it all works out well.... Grandma Mary

First - I think for children to get together is very important. It's great that you are going to meet her. If you could - try to pick up a small gift.. ie.. like a small stuffed animal.. and put that's it's a small gift from Anna - to her big sister. I think that would help Christina feel that she is loved and will make her feel that Anna and her can have a relationship - even if it's small. I hope all goes well. Let us all know.. and have a good time...

Hey D., It's a fantastic idea that you go a day later and you are absolutely not overreacting at 12 there are always all kinds of things going on anyway and you are right there will be a host of emotions she will be feeling when she sees her father . So the process will be made easier to see him without the baby being there the first time.
You are an amazing mother who is kind and thoughtful and being your wonderful self should surely be enough, enjoy your visit!

I agree with you. You should figure out a way for father and daughter to be alone at first. Even if you take the baby out for the first afternoon you're there. Good luck, I hope it works out well for you. Your baby daughter hopefully will have a great big sister to look up to.

Christina may always feel a longing for her birth family, wehther or not she meets them. Meeting them takes out the mystery and the idealism. It is a shame her birth father is not interested, but that may be why she was given up for adoption and I'm sure her adoptive parents are supportive. She may genuinely want to know her half sibling and it's great if she has that opportunity and if her adoptive parents are supportive of this.

D., I think it's wonderful that you're thinking of Christina. You are definitely not overreacting. You are probably right in thinking that she is too young to understand what she might be feeling. I am surprised that this will be the first time she is meeting her biological father - and that he is willing to do this, considering he doesn't like to talk about it. Is he comfortable with meeting her? I wonder if it might be possible for him to go there the weekend before?

As a child, the relationship between my mother and biological father was not comfortable for me (they were divorced and my mother remarried sooner than he did). I did not see my father very often and think of my stepfather as my "Dad". When my father remarried and had kids, I was thrilled to have siblings, but it was very tough to reconcile my feelings of jealousy that he saw them more, actually spent time with them alone when I wasn't there. I never had time with him alone, which was something I desperately wanted. (Now that I am an adult, I adore his wife and my sibs, and it is sometimes awkward when I am alone with him!)

In any event, there is the potential for drama, but I think that in traditional situations, it would be your 'character' that would contribute. Since you are so aware of what Christina might be feeling, I think things will probably go smoothly. She's at an age where she might not be able (or willing) to express how she is really feeling, but I think that genuine excitement for meeting her Anna will likely prevail. While you're there, be as aware of her feelings as you are now, and I think it will be fine. Have fun and good luck!

Have you talked to his parents about why he's rejected Christina? I think it's pretty important to know that. For a girl to know she's got an open adoption and not have her father want her must be devastating. I hope he'll get his act together. If you're friends with his parents, try and get to the bottom of this--if they know what's going on that is.

Try and find out as much as you can from his parents about her like interests, hobbies, etc so that you will have some points of conversation. It will make her feel better too that you're interested in her life.

Speaking from experience I can say having a brother or sister can be a wonderful thing. I'm an old child and found out about my half-sister way too late in life. We were already grown-ups with lives and had nothing in common, no shared history, didn't even grow up in the same country! I alaways missed having a sibling. It's rather sad to grow up alone and not have any shared memories. I have an only child myself and she was very happy with that until her teen years which seems to be when siblings become friends and protective of each other. A sister who lives within driving distance can be a real blessing.

Do what you can to befriend Christina. If she's a half-way sensible girl, you will be happy to have someone around occasionally for visits, a trusted babysitter, etc. 12 year olds are usually great with babies and toddlers. Your daughter will love her right from the start. I was amazed with how babies love little and big girls so much more than adults. I really loved my step-son who was 14 when I met him the first time. It's possible that you and Christina could become good friends too although I wouldn't count on it. Some girls are very jealous although if you can break through that barrier, this could be one of the best things that's ever happened.

I hope you'll post again after the event and let us know how it turned out.

All the best to you, Anna and Christina for a happy future!

S.

Hi D. - What a wonderful and loving woman you are to embrace this little girl and her feelings. It will certainly be a rollercoaster for her.

I too met my father at the same age. Throughout my teenage years I struggled with the question of what was wrong with me. Why didn't he care about me? Why didn't he want to be my father? As the years went by he married and had other children. It wasn't until I was an adult and I saw him being a responsible and present father to my youngest siblings that I realized the problem had been his all along and not mine. At 19 years old he was simply too young, too immature, too whatever to be a father to me. At 40 he was a great father and I was proud of the man he had become.

I tell you all of this in order to illustrate the role you can play in helping these girls, Anna and Christina, realize that their father's absence is his problem and not any fault of theirs. Maybe seeing what a wonderful girl Anna is, will help Christina realize that she was just as wonderful at that age and definitely not the cause of his absence. I'm not saying to bad-mouth dad, only that you can help the girls see that we are all flawed and doing the best we can. His flaws are not their fault.

So, the best thing you can do for both girls is to facilitate their relationship as best you can, pictures, e-mail, letters, phone calls, visits. A sister is a treasure for a lifetime. Since my father died, my baby sister has lived with me. With more than 15 years between us we weren't close as children but today, I couldn't ask for a better friend.

Good luck to you. Warm regards, R.

Hi

I think that you are a really considerate person to think of this young girl and the upheaval this may cause in her life at this particularly time of her life. Puberty is going to be tough enough as it is. I think it is a good idea to let dad and daughter have a little time alone first and I also think that encouraging a relationship between sisters is a good idea. Considering that she is adopted she may want to have as much contact with real siblings as she could.

Hope I helped

T.

Good for you for being so open to the needs of this little girl. Since she is expressing a desire to make contact to her estranged father and sister I would encourage that. Quite possibly she will not have any dramatic fallout, certainly not on a short first meeting with you. I would bring her some sort of gift acknowledging that she is a member of your extended family and in the future keep in contact with her yourself. How terrible to be rejected by your father at such a young age, an adopted father at that, after being rejected by your birth family. She is probably quite lovely. I would only facilitate her spending a day with her father if he wants to. Having to endure someone who clearly doesn't want to be with her will be more damaging than spending time with you and the baby.

If the biological father clams up every time you ask about Christina's history, and the fact that he lied and said he didn't have any children when you were dating him, gives me the impression that it was a very painful time for him and I'm wondering if he is ready to handle meeting her and is this meeting being pushed on him by his parents...??
I'm in agreement with you, try to make arrangements to arrive a day later....and for any reason you feel uncomfortable while you are there visiting be up front about it and leave earlier.
I will pray that Christina is strong and a well grounded child. Know matter what she was told about being adopted, I'm sure she'll be full of inner feelings about why her parents abandoned her which is normal. This visit is not going to be easy on her even if she had requested it...

I think your instincts about arriving a day later are right on the mark. Many people underestimate the impact that emotional turmoil & tension can have on children and babies. I agree that Christina is going to have a lot of emotions to deal with when meeting her father and I think you are being a GREAT woman to recognize these things.

Regarding Chritina's story, I think your "right to know" depends on what your relationship is with the dad (exclusive, engaged, just friends, etc.). If it is a serious or soon-to-be serious relationship, he needs to find a way to tell you what happened.

Best of luck!

Hi D.,
You sound like a kind and caring person to be considerate of Christina's feelings and I agree with your concerns. I have a 13 year old, so my question here is, what does Christina want? At 12, she is too old for others to decide for her that she is going to be reunited with her biological father, that she is going to meet a new biological half sister. Is this something that she wants? Does she want to meet her father at all? Does she want to meet just him, just the sister, both at the same time, the father now and the sister at another visit? I would arrange these meetings based on her wishes, she isn't a young child and should be given the control in this situation, the adults should follow her lead.
Good luck!

Sounds like you and the father have alot to talk about..whole other story there. Get to the bottom of it. You never know what else he has kept from you.

Show up on time...greet Christina and give her a hug. Let her know you are there for her regardless of what her father has done. She is one of the family. That will ease a little tension.

Nanc

D.,

I commend you for having the insight and for caring about this other young lady. I think you are right to anticipate that it might be more emotionally than what she is capable of anticipating. But more than likely it will be a ripple effect (not necc. immediate) and that is where the true emotion will come bursting forth. At that point you won't be (and shouldn't be) involved. Pray and trust that she has a support system that will see her through it.

As far as whether or not to go a day later for the reasons you stated- your call of course. My opinion is that in all likelihood she will have quite a bit of awkwardness and pent up feelings towards her dad and that left to deal with that alone might itself be overwhelming and probably not helpful (considering what I can gauge from his emotional state). Having the baby there will give everyone something positive and happy to focus on- a bit of an ice-breaker at moments where it will be most needed. I honestly think that's the best thing that could've happened at this coming reunion because the emotions with daddy dearest are best dealt with in doses.

The strongest set of emotions for this girl will lie with dad stuff, not new baby stuff. Especially b/c you stated you are a single mom, it's not as though he as a happy healthy "whole" family with you guys (in the traditional sense of course). So I don't think she'll feel that she as a baby wasn't "good" enough to make her parents stay together or with her versus your baby.

As much as your insight and sensitivity is great, in many ways you're going to have to keep it on the low. Be clear (within yourself) that it is NOT your role to be-friend her in that way or try and help her heal with all this. As much as your heart may be in the right place there is too much more potential for damage albeit un-intended. I won't get into all that for the sake of brevity (LOL).

Hope that helps, good luck! -N., LMSW

D.,
It sounds to me that your gut is telling you one thing and your doubting it. Why? You, as a mom, were built with instinct. It's there. I think you're trying to put yourself in Christina's shoes and that's so unselfish of you. You are right about giving them a day to break the ice. Listen to your gut. I'm speaking from experience. I was in Christina's shoes when I was 8 years old. My meeting with my biological dad was so painful because, even though I wanted to meet him, I had no clue what I was in for. I saw him walking toward me at the park and I just knew who he was but I just ran to my mom and step-father. I was very uneasy. I cried and was afraid so we left the park. I couldn't understand why he didn't want me from day one. If my step-siblings would have been there, it would have been just devistating. You're doing the right thing.
Good luck
P.S. Christina is going to need alot of comforting for a while. I hope the grandparents are prepared.

Hi D. -

What a wonderful person you are! Most people wouldnt think of how Christina would be feeling. I applaude your concern. I think you have the right idea. Even though her father doesnt seem like he would be over excited about the meeting, giving them a bit of time first is a perfect idea.

Being open, warm, caring and loving to Christina on your part sounds like it would be easy. Welcoming her into your daughters life is also something that would probably be a great benefit to both of them. Maybe take them both, just the two of them, out for ice cream would be a great way to get to know her a bit. Talk with her about being apart of your daughters life. Swap emails and addresses so you can send her pictures and updates. As time goes by maybe plan some time to meet again.

My family has the same situation with 1/2 sisters and living in other states, not getting to see each other much. The mother tries to keep communication open and send pictures, they talk etc over the years. Now the older one is in her 20's and a mother herself. Her younger sister is spending the week with her this week. Its a great feeling to know you have a sibling that you can count on.

Best of luck in the situation. Just the fact that your visiting the fathers parents shows you have a great connection for family ties. Bravo!!

I think you are a very smart and wonderful woman and mother and that is a great idea. But it all comes down to what your SO thinks and feels as well, is he excited to meet her, it may make it worse, where as having your daughter involved from the beginning will give them both a focal point. I wish you all the best.

You sound like a very caring person. I have a 13 year old and I can appreciate the feelings of a 12 year old, who is learning that things in life are not perfect, although she may want them to be.

However, I don't agree with the showing up a day late. Sounds like a very awkward situation for Christina to be put in, especially if her father is a clam-up type. Small children tend to warm everyone's heart and your Anna could ease the tensions everyone will be feeling and be a focus for Christina to center on and a reason for her to want to love her new family.

If you show up a day late, Christina may already be gone, or be stiff when she finally meets you. I think better to have a massive family renunion and then have breakaway time later.

PS. Also consider that if they become friends, Anna might be the most important person Christina meets that day. A sister will be there after parents are gone. Holding back on the meeting could be mistinterpreted by Christina as holding back on the relationship.

Your concern is very thoughtful. perhaps Christina is not interested in her father but in meeting her baby sister. Some children are more interested in blood relative such as siblings, cousins, etc. She also maybe very interested in meeting you.