I have been a single mom for a very long time and have finally met an incredible man. We have the most amazing relationship and after about a year of friendly chatting and 7 months of solid dating we decided to introduce the kids. This amazing father has two children of his own, a 12 year old girl and an 8 year old boy; my daughter is 3. We thought it would be wonderful sharing our love with the children all together...we thought wrong. His 12 year old daughter is jealous of my 3 year old daughter becasue she thought her father gave my 3 year old too much attention. This is not really the case, but it is how she saw it. His son is a little iffy. It is hard to tell what he is feeling and I am told that his son is fine with everything; it just seems like his son can not wait for us to leave when we do things together.
I'm feeling a bit insecure about it all and am worried that the children will dislike me and my daughter. Any one have any tips out out there on how to appoach things with all the kids and adults involved? How you did it? How it's worked for you or not worked for you?
It's going to take a LOT of time and, like Stephanie said--consistency.
Blending families is a wonderful idea but so many people (trillions on this site alone) find out--it can be a real pitfall.
My best advice: don't live together or get married until these kids are ALL given ample time to work through their feelings and issues. They are all real and valid to the kid having them.
Good luck. Take it S-L-O-W!
I don't mean to be blunt, but are you two planning on getting married? If you aren't committed to joining households, I'd back the truck up a bit and see if you two could continue dating without getting kids together often.
My only big tips (as a kid who has been part of three blended families... my mom married for sport) are these: be very, very patient with the kids. They have all this history with their mom and dad, and you might not be privvy to it all, namely the parts of it that are important to them. Secondly, as a group, family counseling is a good start. People usually enter these sorts of therapeutic situations after things have fallen apart, but they are often most successful *before* things get too complicated. (Just like marriage counseling-- couples who go beforehand, or go before things 'get bad' are far more likely to get the best results.) You and your guy could go see the counselor first, let them know some of the background, and go as a family.
Lastly, a book: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... And How to Listen so Kids will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Your ability to listen empathetically will profoundly underscore any reassurances you offer the children. They don't just need us to tell them that 'it's all okay', they also need to see that we are willing to hear their concerns and feelings. This is a huge change for everyone.
Best wishes,
H.
Have a relationship with the kids outside of your relationship with the guy. They need to not see you as an intrusion or a threat. He should do the same with your kids.
Time and consistency. Those to me would be the two essential things that it will take. I would just be patient, show your interest in his kids. Try to do things with them. 12 is an awkward age and she's probably used to being the "apple" of her dad's eye and she views your 3 year old dtr as a threat. But over time, she will start to see that she is still important to her dad and that he has enough love to spread amongst them all. Boys can be difficult to read at time since they really don't express them as easily as girls do. But again, time and consistency is the key. I would involve the kids in the discussions concerning what to do as a family, etc. Make them feel important and part of it. Don't take the 12 year olds behavior personal. It's natural for her to be resistant at first. But once you have earned her trust, respect and her admiration, it'll be easier. It's an adjustment for all involved. Good luck!
I cannot speak from the adult's perspective, but I can from the child's perspective (sort of). My father passed when I was 11 and my mom began dating when I was 17 (my little sis was 14). She only dated one man and did marry him. At first he was over for dinner every night and would stay until 8pm or so. It was TOO much! After many tears and discussions, he came over less frequently. They eventually became engaged, but decided not to get married until my little sister graduated high school and left for college. He did not sleep over or move in until my sister left for college.
You are a parent first! I realize waiting until your daughter leaves for college is an awful long time, but you need to take things slow. Does he have full custody of his kids? His kids are a lot older than your daughter and are going to deal with it very differently. They are probably very protective of your daughter.
If you are very serious and think you will marry this man, please seek family counseling--especially for his kids. Counseling doesn't mean there is something wrong, but it can help guide you through uncharted waters.
Finally, always put the kids first. My mom has four kids (39, 36, 32, 29) and 8 grandchildren and we still come first--and her husband knows it.
You didn't say if he has his kids full time or not. That can play into this as well. If they aren't with him all the time they may want "Dad Time" without others. If they are with him full time, he is the primary parent and therefore the disciplinarian too. With your daughter (especially with her being 3) he can be more playful.
His daughter is a pre-teen and going through lots of changes and this is probably adding to her insecurities.
Lots of one on one attention for all the kids, some special Dad Time too.
if you are considering melding the two families, it would not hurt to seek counseling - this is a difficult process in the best of circumstances, and help from a professional can be invaluable. Sometimes it is just a matter of children (like all of us) not liking change, in others, about wielding power they have not had before etc.
WOW ~ we are going through similar things..
Does he have full custody or shared custody?? My better half and I live together- we've been living together for one year- I have two children, a 6yr old girl and 5yr old boy and he has two sons- 14 and 9 -- the 14 year old is fine but the 9 year old has his issues.
My advice, take things slow-- but dont let your daughter be mistreated by her stepsister or stepbrother--
SO many things are into play when families are merging and even different parenting styles affect the kids as well. Plus the fact that they are 'sharing' their dad is not an easy cookie to bite. It really depends on the children- my ex husband is in a relationship and the lady has a son, my kids arent jealous, they actually embrace an older 'brother' --
My babe is a very hands on type of dad and stepdad so when i notice his youngest is having his attitude or being a grump, I tell him to take them to do 'boy' things.. Ive even suggested that he do 'boy' things with just his two boys but he wont take both boys without taking my son too~ but i think a huge thing is that their mom is not really active in their lives like (i feel) she should be.. and they get most of their love and affection from their dad ~ he's even the one to pick them up from school when theyre sick because their mom doesnt like leaving work early..
Dont feel insecure..its a work in progress.. im sure my kids will go through their hormonal moments ~ just remember to be patient and treat them the way you would want your other half to treat your daughter if he had the same problems..
Inbox me privately so we can chat if you have any other questions!!
Side note: we get the boys frequently.. weekends or week at a time.. we had them both Christmas eve and New Yrs eve.... and if my other half is working a full OT week- he will go see them on the way to work or on his lunch breaks (he works afternoons/evening shift 12hr shifts)...
