Mommy of 3!!! - El Monte,CA

I thought this the other day. I really cant give too much advice, but I remember thinking "Eh, Ill sleep when I die" and "When Im older I am going to have no clue how the hell I did it all."
Somedays will be better than others. I try not to stress too much.

Oh, I almost forgot, I got on medication for my anxiety. Its a miracle worker. :)

Your question double posted. So I am adding to this one. YOU CAN DO THIS mama! You are not alone!

You need to take a deep breath!

You have had a lot going on in your life over the last year. You also had a baby too. Is it possible you have postpartum depression?

With your 5 & 8 year old? Consistency. If they don't listen to you - set rules, boundaries/limits. NO means NO. Don't yell and scream about it. The minute you yell and scream you have lost control. Make house rules and the consequences for those rules being broken. If they don't have consistency - then they don't know when to "stop"...it becomes a game of let's see if we can make mommy lose it.

Get order in your house - the way to do that is rules and consistency. When you feel yourself starting to yell - take a deep breath and let it out slowly- count to ten - something that will help you stay in control. And apply the consequences.

YOU CAN DO IT.

I urge you to talk with your doctor about the way you're feeling. Short term medication can give you a break from your anxiety which would allow you to find ways to change the way you're thinking, feeling, doing. Along with the medication start some therapy. You can turn this around with help.

As far as your boys getting along or not getting along, I suggest you read Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish. http://www.fabermazlish.com/normal.htm The book will be a big help but I imagine the workshop would help even more. I've not done the workshop.

You have to find a way to have me time and time with your husband without the kids. Hire a babysitter if you don't have family. Take turns watching the kids so that each of you can have some time of your own. It's essential to do this for your own mental health. You're financially stressed, yes, and it's still essential to find a way to get away from the children.

I found a book entitled The Gratitude Journal helpful. Each night I wrote down 5 things for which I was thankful that day. This helped me to gradually change my focus from what was wrong in my life to what is right. Attitude is everything. http://www.simpleabundance.com/gratitude_journal.html

You can get past this with some professional help.

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a rough patch. If it helps, I think we can all say that we've "been there", some days more than others. A survival tip my husband and I started was to trade off wknd mornings. I sleep in Saturday mornings, while he makes waffles with the kids or takes them to a park. I do the same for him on Sunday mornings. Some weeks, I live for Saturday mornings. Even if I don't sleep in, it's MY time, so I lay in bed and read a magazine or get up and go to a yoga class. Some mornings I just lay in bed for an extra 10 minutes, then hop up and join my boys for breakfast - it's just knowing that it's my choice, and I'm under no obligation, that makes it pleasurable and sweet. (note - we started this when we had no family around or other moms in the neighborhood to trade off with, and had not found a babysitter...I had just quit my job to stay home with my baby, so finances were tight - ie I'm sure a wknd away with spa treatments would do wonders for you, but I'm trying to be realistic).

I found that having a schedule and sticking to it really helps. You have two school-age kids and that helps even if your 5 year old is in for a half day. Just think, he'll be full time in September!

Run any errands in the morning after the boys are at school. Other mornings you can clean and/or do laundry. You can have time for yourself when your baby naps. Hopefully, she's napping from 1-3p or so in the afternoon. You can exercise, read a magazine or work on a hobby (if you have one).

As for sitters, I'm sure you can find a mom or two that is in the same situation. You can trade off watching the kids on a Friday or Saturday night.

I also agree with the moms that said you might need a little anti-anxiety medicine to get over this hump. You are not the first nor the last mom that gets overwhelmed. Deep breaths!

Doing a nightly "What I DID Today" list can be helpful!

It'll USUALLY let you fall asleep feeling GREAT because you got a LOT done-- just not what you had PLANNED to do. You know you start the day out planning errands and laundry and ACTUALLY spend the day teaching the toddler to scrub the walls, giving the toddler an extra bath, spot cleaning the carpet, doing an extra load of laundry and finding a NEW hiding place for the peanut butter! Still busy and productive, just not what you had planned!

It can also help you plan more realistic To Do lists....

And if your "What I DID list" is full of Facebook and TV that's useful information too

The other day my facebook status was 'Is being a mom to 3 kids in five years this hard for everyone, or is it just me?' the overwhelming response I go assured me it is hard for everyone!!! I think raising kids is just a really intense job and some seasons are better than others. My husband does Martial Arts to get out on his own and bc he loves it. Is there a hobby or something your hubby could do to have some time to himself? That way, you could leave the kids with him and have not guilt!! He's their dad, he can handle them a couple hours :D Before I had my third I took every wednesday evening to myself, as soon as my baby is able to take a bottle, I fully intend to start that process again. Getting out for a couple hours was such a life saver for me! Even just for a cup of coffee, or many times I would slip out to a movie. Just some down time. Even though my hubby and I can't find a ton of time to get out together, having some time to ourselves makes us both more energized when we are home together. But you are not a bad mom at all, young and elementary age kids are a lot of work!! Hang in there :D

I was just telling my husband over the weekend that I feel like I'm doing a horrible job... he of course says "no way - you are doing great". But, then I told him, when you say "you're doing great" all I hear is you not listening to me!!! I FEEL like I'm doing a horrible job.

I know deep down that I'm not. But having 3 kids close in age is hard. Mine are 6, 5 and 3 (boy, boy, girl). My 6 year old is in 1st Grade and gone most of the day... but mornings and after school are hard.

Something that has helped last week and this week was to give the boys a motivator. Last week I told them if they helped and didn't rough house and fight while were trying to get out the door for the 4 day week, we'd go bowling on Saturday. Unfortunately, they didn't make it... Friday was bad, but the first 3 days were good. This week we are trying again. They are excited with the goal of trying to get something special at the end of the week. It does help.

I feel like I'm frustrated but am trying really hard to just take a breath and not let the little things bother me. I have found that (especially my oldest) just tunes me out because I talk too much... nag too much. I'm trying to change that.

The other thing I'm trying to do is to enjoy the LITTLE moments. Like right now, breakfast is finished, bags and lunches are packed, my 6 year old and 3 year olds are playing in the basement and my 5 year old is sitting here next to me critiquing my typing skills :) He is enjoying just sitting with me during my "coffee time". I take a break after breakfast everyday to sit here and read Mamapedia. check in with Facebook and then move on with my day at 8:20.

Make time for you and your husband. TRY to find a sitter. I had to let go of my anxiety of leaving my kids. It's easier now that my youngest is 3. When you have a baby, it changes your ability to leave.

But, make time for a movie night at home. OR put the kids to bed early and have your husband go get takeout for the two of you so you can eat something you didn't make in peace and quiet.

Good luck. I totally feel for you - and with you!

J.

First of all drop some or at least 1 of the activities!!! Why do women think they have to do EVERYTHING or be considered a failure. If you don't have someone to babysit-get someone!!! Pretty simple. Stop and smell the roses.

I too have 3 kids and I definitely start feeling the same way...that I'm doing a horrible job...have no patience so you're not alone in your thoughts. I put so much pressure on myself. I have two boys also - 3 and 2 years old. They can be a handful and some days seem to fight more than not - and I can't get anything done those days. One tip I've used is that unless you see the whole fight...you don't really know what happened and don't try to figure out who started what. Most of the time my kids are fighting over toys and who had a toy first and took it etc. I don't even bother with trying to figure it out - it takes way to much of my energy. I take the toy they are fighting over and put it away. Then tell them if they can't get along they will have time outs and play by themselves in there rooms. They don't have too many toys in their room just mostly books, so this usually works for a little while.
Also, I agree with other posts...you and your husband need to schedule time for yourselves and together. Even if it's one day/evening/night is yours this week...the next your husbands...then the next time both. I would start a schedule like that way it's not each week but every third week you get a couple of hours to yourself. Also, having time with friends help...have them and the kids over for playdate or on weekend to watch game. Try to do something fun that is not part of the routine on the weekends...hiking, bike riding, going to the park, even if it's a bit cold it can still be fun...try to go to a place you would not normally go. Look on the internet for free places to go on the weekends that cost no money...libraries, local and state parks. Get out of the routine is biggest advice when in a rout (sp?).

Are you me?? I feel you. I'm a SAHM of 4 boys (5 if you include the hubby.) My boys are 5,4,1, and 2 mo. Our older 2 are constinantly at eachothers throat. Drives me bonkers!! I could only wish I could volunteer for my sons PTA or at his school period. And I've only been married 5 yrs, but its hard to juggle them all. Sometimes at night after dinner when hubby gets home, I tell him I'm going to bed early w/ the baby and he takes care of the other 3. Could you have your huband watch the kids so you can soak in a bath and "go to bed early"? Even if you just sit and read.

My 3 kids are 4, 3 and almost 10mos. I also have 2 boys and a baby girl; like you, my boys fight a lot or are getting into trouble together and are not the best listeners. I swear I have to repeat any request at least 3-4 times before they respond. Oh, and there's the whining. I actually tell them that I don't respond to whining. Anyway, we're just really in the weeds for a few years. I do feel that all I do is yell, which is not good for anyone, and am constantly frustrated. Our house is a huge mess from the toys so that house always looks like a tornado passed through. So, aside from making sure the kids are fed, dressed and otherwise healthy, my home priorities are the constant laundry and meals/kitchen. I let the house stay a little messy and cluttered, and my husband usually takes care of picking stuff up. We ended up cutting out TV during the week but when the boys are just so wound up, I will throw in a short DVD (1hr or less) to settle them down so that I can at least cook.

As for getting out, you can find a sitter for all 3 but you have to think about what you're paying for a sitter before you even walk out the door for your own fun and entertainment. It's worth every penny for your own sanity and time with your husband. Ask some of the other moms at the PTA if they can recommend anyone. We usually put the baby to bed before we go out so that the sitter really only has to deal with the boys. Your boys are old enough that they can do pre-bedtime stuff on their own (bathroom, changing to pj's).

It's a tough time with 3 young kids, but there's lots to enjoy. Try to let go a little...and not be so hard on yourself. My first child was born just before my 37th birthday. You're lucky that you had your kids young - you and your husband will be pretty young when they're grown and out of the house!

Why you feel like you are not doing it right? What is the "right" way?
Some days I think the "right" way is having my 2 girls feed and healthy, and still married to my husband, and that is "right enough" for that day.

I went back and read your other post.
Yeah, I can see why you post this today, you have a lot in your plate lately.

*Side note: what happened with the car accident? Hope that end up well.

I found that the age of 8 is a difficult age, I have seen many moms ask about it and I do remember being a hard stage.

11 months is so cute but also difficult, they are explores with not fear on them!

Then you're also a PTA, have a job (SAHM is a job if you ask me) you have another kid, and a 8 years marriage.

You also married and had kids young, that has its good and so so easy points.

However, I also wonder if you have also good times? Like, can you see back this past month, and find moments of laugh, can you find times where you can sit and say: today was a good (or almost good) day?

"If you can't see good days, or if you find yourself all the time stress or mad, I would recommend and advice to talk to your doctor."

My advice is to take turns with your husband, even if it is just on weekends and for an hour, remember that this is not a 'never end" situation, your little girl would grow and will be going to school, leaving you time for whatever you need done.
Can you find the source of the fight between your kids? Or at least find the most far away room of the house and make it a fight room for them (with rules) as in: Go fight there and leave the rest of the house drama free?
Take your baby naps for your self, it is good and sometimes necessary.
Keep an eye on how you feel, and don't hesitate on contacting your doctor if you feel like things just don't get better.

If you never get a break from the kids, it's normal to get frustrated. Can't you take the kids on a vacation with their grandparents on either side or something? We always had our grandparents and relatives to go to, so my parents had some relief when they needed it. :) That's what family is about. Otherwise, I'd save the money and hire a trustworthy babysitter. It'd be worth it just to have dinner with my husband once in a while. Good luck.

Thirty is a hard age. You are going through your Saturn return. All the values you ever were taught at home are being resifted but not so that you can see what they are. Do you have a journal? I kept a journal of my 30th year. After the kids were asleep or if they were playing quietly I went to my journal to hear myself think, to vent and reflect.
It was a great help to see myself and to set the goals I would live with for the rest of my life. And, to realize what I had to do in my marriage.

Do you have any nearby friends with kids? Once a month, we do a babysitting swap with another family (we both have 2 kids, but we started it when they had 2 and we had 1). Here's how it works:

On our date night, we drop the kids off at their house for playing, eating...whatever. At bedtime, the mom bring our kids back to our house, and puts them to bed in their own beds...and then gets some quiet time to herself! On their date night, we reverse it (they drop their kids off, I take them home and put them to bed at bedtime). IT IS AWESOME! I know my kids are home in their own beds, and we can stay out later than if a friend was just keeping them at her house for me. We don't keep track of hours for each other, but generally it's like we're going out for a meal and an activity (movie, mini-golf, bowling...) so it stays pretty even. We've been doing it for a year. Over the holidays, we were all busy, so we combined November/December and each took just one night in the 2 month period. We'd pay $50-60 if we didn't have this.

Hope that's a little idea for you! :)