Moms I Need Your Help!

Are flesh and blood children better than others?? I have only a "non-flesh and blood" and life couldn't be better. I am so lucky to have her.

I don't think it's fair for people who have some sort of difficulty with one child to be told that they shouldn't have any more. That just seems silly to me! If you want more, have them! If you're meant to have one with no cleft palate, you will. If you have another with one, you'll do what you have to do and go from there.

A friend of mine has a daughter (firstborn) who is deaf, and was told that they had a 1 in 4 chance of other children being deaf. Now they have 4, and only the first one has had any issues with hearing.

Pregnancy is one of the most amazing experiences ever! I had had 4 children, and I would love to have more, though I think we're done. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the experience and wanting to do it again.

Best wishes--whatever you decide!!!!

A divided uterus is not as uncommon as you think. You can continue to have children. For the problems other than cleft palate take your child to a Rolfer and all the muscle problems will be solved.
Those Florida doctors are forever scaring mothers about having second babies. My daughter's doctor made such a deal about something he thought might be wrong with her unborn baby. I told him and the "expert" doppler operater there was nothing wrong with him. Neither one believed me. And there is not. He's a carrier of the disease his mother has but he does not have it.
You want a big family have your second baby and if it's too much to make your own babies remember that only 1% of the children who need to be adopted ever are. There is more than one way to form a family.

I understand your fears as I have a septated uterus too. I can only carry on my left side as my right side is much smaller and fairly closed off. My second pregnancy went much easier than my first since my uterus was stretched as the doc so eloquently put it. lol I understand the concerns and the fears about the baby implanting in the wrong place and such. For us it was worth the risk but you need to make sure you have a good high risk ob on board before you get pregnant so that they can monitor your closely.

A visit with a genetic counselor will help you with the cleft palate issue. But I have a friend that her oldest has a cleft palate but her second was born without health issues.

My daughter had her first child and he was born with a cleft lip and palate. It did require surgery. he has had 2 surgeries so far. He is 10 will be having another one soon. she did however have 2 more babies and neither one had clefts. not sure how severe the cleft is on your child. but there are degrees. my grandsons was the easy one it only affected one side. however at shriner's hospital where he has all the surgery there were kids who had it so bad they basically had no nose etc.

and a separate note on a statement you made above. if you will be making references to your children as one being "of your flesh and blood" and one being adopted you should not adopt. you should love them all the same.

I think it's irresponsible to possibly put a child in the position of having problems from not being able to move in utero PLUS having to go through surgeries for a cleft palate. As I'm sure you now know, often this involves several surgeries as the child grows. If you insist on having another of your own, I think you should definitely get the surgery for your uterus first. I don't think it's okay to carry another baby in that condition.

If you do that, then I would still limit it to only having one more baby -and ONLY if you're able to afford cleft surgery for that child. The cleft palate chances are still there whether or not the next child has one. I wholeheartedly agree with adoption and ultimately I think that's what you should do from here on out.

Just my opinion: Well, under the current circumstances, I would say you probably shouldnt have another child. Special needs children are very stressful and expensive to raise (very hard on the best of marriages)..... and the emotional trauma the child may experience by the cruelty of the world --need I say more? If you are up to that challenge and really feel a need to bring another disabled child into the world that is your choice. I just know that if a doc told me the chances were great that my child would have some difficulties I know I would choose not to have more.
Maybe you can have someone else carry your fertilized egg for you?

I have a friend with a cleft palate child and he has a little sister that is just fine. It is really up to you. If you want to have another then do so.
In our family we have congenital cataracts. It is highly likely that any chld of mine will have them. I have four and only one has the cataracts, my sister though has four and three of them have cataracts.
So we do the surgeries, Sis had to actually pay for one out of pocket, no insurance at the time. Then she went and had another baby. He is the only one without the cataracts.
If you truly want more children and you do and it has a cleft, will it mean you love the child any less, no. In fact you already know how to deal with cleft so you wlll be more prepared for the next one.
By the way, in our family we have cataract parties. My other kids and my nephew want cataracts so they can have their party. It's all in the way you aproach it. Cleft is fixable, cataracts are fixable, spina bifida, Cerebral Palsy and Down's are not.

I think you should find a doctor who can do the surgery whose worldview is the same as yours: one who thinks that children are a blessing, and is encouraging of big families. It is my opinion that a doctor who thinks this way will take greater efforts to make sure you have as little scarring as possible. It will matter to him.
Isn't your daughter wonderful? Knowing what you know now, would you still have had her? I assume yes. To me, the same goes with future children. Yes, try to fix your uterus. I think that is wise and good. But, then, go from there with your future pregnancies. Just because you have a chance of having similar problems in the future doesn't mean you will. And, what are the long term effects of a cleft palate for a person who has had surgery to repair it? Is it worth that for you? To me, I would think it would be worth it. I never think it is irresponsible for a married couple to have the children that the Lord gives them. We are not smarter than God. He can and does prevent children according to His perfect will. If it is His will to bless you again, He will. You can trust Him. Anyway, that is what I believe about children.

Hi A.,
I have not read the others comments, but I don't think you are weird to have concerns. I was born with a cleft palate yet my brother was not. Also, they say that since I had a cleft I was more likely to have a child with a clef and neither of my children have a clef palate.

As you know it isn't easy going through the surgeries, but it does get easier and years from now it won't a big difference in your child's life. I would tell you to act on faith and have more children if that's your hearts desire and pray for health, if your second child has a clef palate then praise God anyway and do what is necessary.- You will always be glad you did!

i personally love my hard of hearing child and if i knew there was a chance of another hard of hearing child I would do it. because I have already been there done that and know how to deal with it. have 2 if both have clefts adopt the next one and get a second opinion another doc may disagree.

As a mother with a daughter that was born with a cleft lip and cleft palate, I can only say that I wouldn't trade anything in the world for my daughter. If that is the biggest problem your child has, you will be blessed. It is difficult in infancy with feeding for some and a few other issues such as potential increase in ear infections, but as problems go, this is so minor. Please don't let that stop you.

I think you also need to consider your health in this situation. I spoke with a girl who had this condition and her doctor warned her against future pregnancies to guard against ruptured uterus, etc.
They adopted after the first and now have a wonderfully large family full of life and love.

You have 2 major decisions to make, independent yet entwined.

First your separated uterus....is there any correlation between that and a cleft pallette? IDK. and I don't think so, but I'm not an MD or geneticist. Something clearly happened during your own fetal development...so how does that translate to the next generation? I would ask your OB for a referral to a geneticist so you can understand the facts of what is passed and what is not to your child.

However, even with that said, having a cleft pallette is no longer a life curse like it once was. The new surgery techniques to correct this are truly a miracle and a child grows up without any of the horrible scarring once associated with cleft pallettes.

So, if you and your husband's heart truly desire your own precious baby, by all means, bless your new family with a new addition. You sound like such a sweet mom and I can only imagine a happy future for you all. Even if it is one with more surgeries. The surgeries are only temporary.

Pls don't adopt unless you can see that no matter where a little one comes from that it is the parenting that makes them yours.

If you think it is "flesh and blood" don't adopt children who will be "lesser"

Personally, because you asked- yes irresponsible.
best, k

It really depends on what you and your husband are willing and able to handle. If your 2nd child had a cleft and/or other problems, would you guys be financially and emotionally able to deal with the issues that come from that (time, money, energy, emotional strength, etc.)? If the answer is yes, then go ahead and have another child b/c you will love that child no matter what. Hopefully nothing will be wrong but if there is something wrong, you know you'll be able to deal with it. But if the answer is no and you're just hoping for the best, don't do it b/c then that IS unfair to the unborn child (and to yourselves) b/c God forbid, if he or she is born with problems, you guys are going to be overwhelmed and that innocent little baby is not going to get the love and attention that s/he deserves and needs to get through the obstacles in his or her way. So sit down with your husband and really think about what you are BOTH able to handle and try to be honest with yourselves. Best of luck and hoping for the best for you..

Wow, you really got beat-up by some mom's. Writing can be so hard because we can't see or hear inflections. Some subjects and wording just hit a nerve. Hang tough and go with your gut, not your husbands. Something tells me that whatever you decide will be right for you and your family.
A couple of the posts below have some very sound advice, like find a doctor who shares your views on family and talk to them. Also, I would try to contact Dori S as she has something in common with you. Ignore the more critical posts, they are speaking from a place of protection for their own family and choices.

Good Luck and Happy Holidays.

I'm feeling adoption. Think of all the neglected children who will become your "flesh" and will expand your family. Think LOVE.
Many blessings, S.

only you can decide on what is right for you and your family to have a second child and noone should ever judge you for wanting a family. personally i would make sure to have what ever procedures necessary to give my future child the best potential chance at healthy development. to knowingly not do it would be irresponsbile in my opinion (you asked). good luck and i wish you all the happiness in the world.

I would not risk my 1st child's care/concern to try to have another. No way. You might end up on bed rest, hospitalized or not feeling well for 9 months, preemie or some other catastrophe. You already have a special needs child. She needs ALL your time and attention. Because of lack of movement she may be in therapy for her vestibular rehab for a long time. You don't state her age in your post but maybe when she is older you can look into adoption. Even then you have to think about special needs that come with many adopted children that don't come out until later in their development. Sometimes just being happy with what you have is quite enough.