More Advice on Intamacy

Hi J.
Having children is a big change especially for men, they're so use to our undivided attention. This sounds like a convenient time to be intimate but I understand the urgency and how you'd feel wanting to get to your children asap. Can you be creative in the home while the children are still sleeping? or entertained. Showers are a great way to be intimate. Sometimes I just have to satisfy my husband until we have more time for me. You might have to literally set a date and time for this. A "quickie" only takes a few minutes as well. My husband is so much easier to live with when he's had his fix. Sometimes I do it when I don't feel like it but most of the time I don't mind at all, I love him and I know that he needs this. We've been married 23 years now and have sex probably 2-3x week. Sometimes we're both satisfied and sometimes it's just for him, alot of the times I don't have the desire either. I'd rather snuggle or just talk. I remember having little ones though and my husband feeling "abandoned" and acting desperate. Just reassure him of your love and take care of him when he needs it. I wish I would have figured this out alot sooner. H. G

Having time away from your kids without freaking out just takes practice. But one of the best gifts you can give your children is an example of a happy marriage. Kids do better when their parents are happy and love each other a lot. Whenever you start to worry or feel guilty about being away from your kids, remind yourself that you are giving them a gift by taking care of your marriage. I promise you, a divorce will be worse for your kids then 1/2 hour more away from you.

It's natural to be tired when you give so much all the time. And you DON'T want sex to turn into just another area where you feel resentful of another person making demands on you. If your personal needs are being met, you will naturally find it easier to respond to your husband. When you are exhausted, anxious, and frazzled, it will just be another demand. You have to decide what is most nurturing to YOU and make sure you get a little bit of time to do that every week, even if you are away from your kids. Then do the same thing with your marriage and your husband's needs. Yes, it is hard and takes planning sometimes. But if you can make it a priority to have time just for you and just for your husband your whole family will be better off.

Sometimes it's hard to feel turned on if you feel insecure. Let your husband know that you are feeling insecure. Tell him that you need his reassurance that you are the only one for him, and that he thinks you are beautiful. Also give him the time to turn you on. Don't just let it go on without him really pushing your buttons before he does his thing. Get your kids, put them to bed and then be intimate! If you are really feeling that you want to see your kids then see your kids but DO NOT FORGET YOUR HUSBAND after you get them home.
Good luck! You can do it.

I think communication with your husband is the key here - he sounds like an amazing guy - don't put so much pressure on yourself to be intimate when you have this alone time. You are a mom and your natural tendancy is to be there for and with your kids. Start with simple things when you have your alone time and work toward more stimulating things.
I am a single mom and my boyfriend and I don't have much time to be intimate but I found that a foot rub or back rub after a long day could be "simple" foreplay. Even cuddling while we watch tv...try to get away from worrying about how difficult it is to get turned on. Your husband sounds very supportive - talk to him about your worries and see if he has ideas.
As yor kids get older and a little more independent, it will get a little easier (I remember getting all worked up worrying about my kids when I went out with my husband) It doesn't go away but it gets easier :)
So..give yourself a break!! ;) You and your husband need this extra time together - you'll be better together and better parents to your kids for it!

I have the exact same advice as Hope G, except I am the mom who would go and get my kids, I have a strong sence of they are mine and my husbands so they are our responsibility(sp). I even have a hard time letting my younger ones go to grandmas even though they LOVE to go over to her house.

I have 7 so creativity is key in our house, and like Hope, sometimes it is about him and not me. As they get older it gets easier, my oldest know what is going on, and they handle it well, of course they would tell you I am a virgin and that all of my kids were "miracles" whatever works for them. Your husband sounds like a good guy, sit down and talk to him, let him in on your feelings, but also let him know that you don't want to have to be intamate, that sometimes all you want to do is hold his hand, or sit next to him on the couch, for woman it is the small things that count, and men have a hard time with that, but if we explain that after awhile it feels more like a chore to us, they almost always want to make us happy and will try to work on it. I hope I am not rambling, I can't seem to get my mind to work :). But good luck you are not the only woman in this position!

hi, J.,
I just wanted to offer a few thoughts. I'm actually a marriage educator and therapist and have co-authored a few books on this subject. There's nothing wrong with wanting to see your kids at the end of the day. There's also nothing wrong with your husband wanting to be intimate with you first. Just talk to him about both sets of desires and find a schedule that makes you both comfortable.
I also wanted to point out that you have been pregnant and had new babies most of your marriage so far and you and your husband haven't had much time to learn to be a couple yet. You might need to talk some about that too. Learning to put some special time aside just for the two of you to be together, not necessarily for sex,as well as some time for physical intimacy, is going to be important. Build that in now and the marriage will be much stronger down the line.

There are a lot of really great books to help with these issues. Mine is called 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, by Markman, Stanley & blumberg (I"m blumberg!) and others I really like are called The 7 stages of Marriage by rita demaria, divorce busting by Michele Weiner davis, How to succeed and fail at marriage by John Gottman.

Hope this helps. take care, S.

J.,

We've been married for 20+ years and the best advice we got after we had our first son was - take time to be together. We were lucky to find a great babysitter and would go on a date night every week. Sometimes we'd just go for a walk, other times we would go out to dinner & a movie. You're lucky that you have family nearby. Talk to your mother-in-law and ask if she'd be willing to keep them a little longer one night a week. Or, find a reliable & trustworthy high school student that could babysit for an hour or two every Saturday night.

I am just remembering back and realized that we didn't go out much until our kids were over 6 months. At three months, it is so hard to be without them all day. Keep this in mind for when the baby is a bit older.

Also, realize that a lack of desire is normal for the first few months after a baby is born. Accept that! K-Y was our friend for several years! My husband would make up games and at least get me relaxed, if not aroused.

One last bit of advice - remember that a marriage is not always easy. There will be times (that can last for months on end) when you can't remember why you married him. As long as he's not abusive, stick with him. Push through those hard times. Get counseling if you forget how to communicate with each other. It is so worth it.

Good luck!

There are two things I want to share with you about this. The first as that your children benefit when you take the time you need to build a good your relationship with your husband and satisfy his needs.

Secondly, keep in mind a man needs sexual release the same way a woman needs emotional release. The same way that you need that emotional release--talking, laughing, holding hands, hugging, spending time together--he needs this. If you desire him to fulfill your needs you need to look to fulfill his, sometimes even when it is just for him, that is what selfless love is.

Right now when your children are young is the hardest time to accomplish this balance. If you can conquer this battle now it is a testament to your desire to continue building a strong lasting relationship with your husband.

J.,
The easiest answer that I could give you is for you and your husband to come to my workshop. www.lovingconnectionsllc.com
but the key things I am noticing in your request is that you don't appreciate not seeing the children before your special nights together. You get to communicate that you would like to see them before your "date night". Is it possible for you and him to take the children to your mother-in-law's together.
Before leaving you might even want to consider feeding your 3-month old. That way you have created time for that connection before your connection time with your husband. I would love to talk to you anytime you need a listening ear. ###-###-####. With Joy, C.

My mother gave me good advice when I found out I was expecting, she said so many women give everything they have to their children because our mothering instincts are come so naturally to them, that they forget about their husband. She told me to remember that my children will grow up someday and not need me as much but I will always have my marriage to consider. It may be hard but I think she has a good point, that our marital relationships take hard work and maintenance but its an important part of our family lives.

I would take advantage of this short time together with your husband. If it were everyday, I could see it being an issue. If it is once or twice a week, then go for it. If your kids don't know you love them because you take an additional one to two hours to be with your husband each week, then you've got other stuff to worry about. But I'm sure they do know you love them.

BTW, this extra intimate time with your husband takes away stress and anxiety AND it helps your husband and you to feel more connected...you're kids pick up on that. If your husband is stressed because he isn't getting intimate time with you and your stressed because you feel guilty about it, your kids will feel stressed because they feel "all is not right" in their world.

Additionally, even though you don't get this, it's the truth: if you are anxious to get to your kids when your husband has set aside special time for the two of you, then he is going to feel the kids are a high priority than he is. He's going to feel you love them more than him. It's just the way guys think.

Take the extra time with your husband, enjoy him. You got married so you could be with him and live the rest of your life with him. Make God first, your husband second, and your kids third and your marriage will be blessed and strengthen!

I totally felt the same way a few years ago. I know this sounds funny but the thing that helped me (and still does) was reading the book by Dr. Laura "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" The title is misleading--it totally changed my perspective. My anxiety about being away from my kids got better with time-I now have five kids and have realized that they really are ok when I leave them. The best thing you can do for those little ones is make their daddy happy. If they grow up knowing you love your hubby they will be more likely to have good relationships when it is time. Most women probably put physical intimacy as like number five on their list of important things in a relationship--for a guy it is number one. I have realized that they actually need physical affection emotionally-it isn't just to 'feel good'. That is how they are programmed to feel loved, and to show love (in a loving, marriage relationship that is). That is so great that you will soon get to stay home! I have to warn you that being at home with kids all day doesn't do much for your sex drive either--I just try to keep in mind that I want my husband to be happy so I usually do it anyway--even if I don't 'feel like it' at first. He knows sometimes I do it just to make him happy-I tell him I enjoy it anyway even if I don't have one cause I'm making him happy-in return he does everything he can to 'please' me. Hope this helps. Good Luck!