Hi moms,
As some of you may know, I am helping my brother raise his two girls, since his wife died several years ago from cancer. The girls are almost 9 and almost 11, and I love them to pieces. I help them with their homework, take them to their after school activities, answer all their questions about growing up, basically do the things a mom would do.
My older niece is involved in Girl Scouts and has been since she was 5. Twice a year her troop puts on a formal "tea" for the moms in her troop and I have always stepped in and filled that mom roll for her ever since her mom died. However, this fall, she is not wanting to participate at all because she has been teased by other girls in her troop (and at school) that I am not her real mom. She's told me that she wants me to stop picking her up at school, and that she wishes I wasn't her aunt. When I've tried to talk to her about it, she shuts down and walks away from me.
I am devastated, but I also realize that this is probably fairly normal for a preteen. She did have counseling when her mom died a little over four years ago, but I am thinking she might need to go again. I really love her and want to support her through this difficult time. We've always been able to talk about stuff, so I am sad that she won't talk to me about this. I found out about the teasing from a friend of hers.
Anyway, I've talked to her troop leader about the teasing, and it will be addressed. My questions are:
1) Should I let her skip the mother daughter tea?
2) How else can I support her?
Thanks, I appreciate your help.
Thanks to everyone who replied. I think you really just affirmed what I needed to do, and you gave me some things to think about. This is why I love this site!
I'd let her skip it unless you are satisfied that the troop leader has done a really good job of handling it. (read: actually succeeded in making the other girls feel ashamed of their previous behavior)
If she doesn't go, you could do something special together that night.
I would let her make the decision. Also, see if she would be open to going with her Dad, Grandmother, or another special person in her life.
My father passed away when I was 11 and I always hated that kind of stuff--the father/daughter dance, donuts with dad, etc. I felt it was a huge blaring reminder that I didn't have a dad.
Maybe you could encourage her troop leader to make it more of a "invite a special person to tea" instead of mother/daughter tea.
She is so lucky to have you. Please don't be offended--her behavior is normal:(
((HUGS))
Bless her heart! I was in my 20's when my Mom passed away. I was beyond devastated. I can not imagine having lost her in childhood.
If the troop hasn't already announced the tea party I would speak privately with the troop leader. Ask if the tea can be changed from a Mommy and Me event to a broader group. Perhaps the girls could make invitations as one of their crafts. Have the invitations include a box to check for Mother, or Father, or Aunt, Grandfather, or Teacher, or GodMother, etc. That way the girls all have a clear understanding that the tea party is for any special person the girl chooses to extend the invitation too.
If it is too late and the tea party has already been announced I wouldn't force her to attend. Let it be her choice. I would however still speak to the troop leader to address the situation for the next event. I would suggest to her that they host a father(grandfather)/daughter dance. Maybe offer to help her plan it and host it. I'm sure it just didn't occur to her that your niece would feel so left out. Honestly, unless it's pointed out the Troop leader may not think about it all.
This is such a tough age to begin with and anything that makes you different from everyone else is so very isolating. I do think it would be a great idea for your brother to consult the counselor the children had been going to before. It may help her tremendously to get it all off her chest without feeling like she will be hurting you or her dad. The counselor should be able to help her with coping skills to get through these tough times.
My heart and prayers are with you all. And a big fat hug to you for stepping up with your nieces :)
Peace and Blessings,
T. B
I say yes, let her skip it, and see if she will talk to her dad. Those other girls are horribly out of line.
1) Yes.
2) Keep loving her the same exact way you always have...she will come around!
Oh this just breaks my heart. Yes, I agree to let her skip if she wants. I also agree that maybe counseling is a good thing. At 5 she didn't have these pressures and certainly not the teasing, which is awful by the way my goodness!, so yea maybe some more counseling is a good idea. Have her dad suggest alternatives such as grandma or another relative. Try not to be hurt, I know I would be too, but she's just struggling right now. Hugs!
To the folks who are saying the troop leader is wrong to have a mother-daughter event, it should be changed or not done at all, etc.: Really? Children as they grow up will encounter many such situations. Should they learn to handle them (painful as it can be) or should things be tailored or shut down to accommodate every possible family situation? So no dad-and-daughter events either, no grandparent events, nothing. I lost my dad when I was 12; nobody revamped the dad-and-daughter events at Scouts or school on my behalf and I would not (even at 12) have expected them to. The event, by the way, may not even belong to this one troop; our service unit (grouping of a dozen or so troops) does a mother-daughter dance and a father-daughter dance each year open to girls in all those troops. So the troop may be participating in a much larger event. I notice that in her post, M. herself did not ever call for the troop not to do the event at all, but some people posting feel it's fine to blast the troop. I don't see how changing or canceling events will help anyone learn.
And the girl does not have to attend. This may be the year, M., that she should sit it out if she feels like this. How far away is the event? She may change her mind close to the time of the event. I think the best you can do on that front is to tell her, "I know it's painful and I know that some kids have been teasing you about my being there instead of your mom. It's OK if you don't want to go this year. If you change your mind, I'm glad to go with you but this event is optional and is meant to be fun, but if it is not fun, of course you do not have to go. If you want to do something else that night, I'm glad to take you out somewhere for a movie or anything, but you can let me know later." And leave it alone. If she seems to warm up to you closer to then but it's too late to register, for instance, you could invite her out to a girls' night doing whatever she likes best (movie, dinner at a special place, etc.).
I'm glad the troop leader will address the teasing. I am sure that had the leader heard it for herself she would have nipped it then and there, so it is good that you let her know about it happening; it is NOT how Girl Scouts should ever act. As for teasing at school, please tell both her classroom teacher and the school counselor immediately -- and your brother should relay the message along with you.I would see if the counselor would meet with your daughter privately about it and maybe get her to open up. She is clearly in a phase of processing the fact she's a preteen and is entering those difficult years without her mother there. She is resenting you for not being her mom--which you can't help. She is too young to appreciate just yet what you're doing for her, but stick by her even when she says she doesn't want to see you and wishes you weren't her aunt. You are doing amazing things for her even when she does not realize it.
I would continue to pick her up if you are part of the routine that helps her dad out. Don't give in there; just be very matter-of-fact and have her dad, not you, say "I know you said you don't want Aunt M. picking you up. But it is important because it helps me (whatever) at that time. So she's going to continue to do it and I hope you understand how she is helping us all." And not a lot else, no lecture about how wonderful you are (though you ARE) because the girl will just get defensive about her own feelings and will resent you more. She will come around but it could take time and a lot of patience from you. But I bet you have it already.
Talk to your brother about any other signs he is seeing. Is she moody and withdrawn? Is her schoolwork suffering and are grades slipping? Is she no longer interested in friends etc.? If those are going on -- he should get her back into counseling where she feels safe venting about her feelings and her mom.
The thing about kids losing parents at a young age is that significant events will continue to come up and the acute pain emerges - she's comfortable and safe enough with you so you are the target of her pain and anger.
1. I think it should be her choice but reiterate your willingness to go with her, not as her mom, but as her aunt who loves her to pieces.
2. It might be helpful for her to go back to counseling for someone neutral to talk to. Also, don't be surprised if she wants to quit Girl Scouts and find a different activity. She may go through the stage of finding her identity sooner than her peers.
B
Your niece will always be faced with these events. Should we no longer have Mothers Day, because so many people have lost their mothers? No, instead we learn how to go on and honor our mom.
My husbands grandmother told me "I think if my mother everyday, I still miss her every day".. This Grandmother was in her late 80's when she told me this. Her mother had died when grandmother was 11. I never forgot this conversation. . The fact that we never get over the loss of our moms.
Each time a new chapter in your nieces life comes around, it will be bitter sweet. She is becoming a young woman now and her mother will never be here again. So many things she probably wants to share, say and hear from her mother.
She needs to be able to speak with someone, so she can understand her feelings are her own, that there is nothing wrong with that. And then maybe they can come up with a way for her to get through these trying times. A counselor would be wonderful..
Also it is not too late for her to join a hospice group.. They have special groups just for children.. Here in Austin, They even have a free summer camp for these children. No matter how long it has been since their parents died.
I DO think the school needs to be informed about this. There is no excuse for this to be happening to her. I bet the parents of these children would be mortified and horrified that their children are bullying her about her late mother.
Maybe if you 2 do decide to go, you could wear her mothers photo on a pin or in a cameo, so she can share with everyone.
But whatever she thinks she wants to do, try to honor it.. And reassure her, you do understand, and you are glad, she can be honest with you. Let her know you will always love her, and want her to always feel free to be honest with you.. Children carry a lot of guilt about their negative feelings..
Frankly, it's pretty irresponsible of the troop leader to sponsor a mother-daughter event when she knows full well that at least one of the girls doesn't have a mom! Your niece has been in scouts since age 5, and she's been motherless for 4, and they are still doing these teas? What is wrong with them??? A lot of schools are stopping the mother-daughter or even father-daughter events because it leaves out so many kids, now that families are in all shapes and sizes.
And the teasing is a form of bullying, so call it what it is.
You have to recognize that, no matter how much wonderful support you give her, you cannot fill the huge hole in her life. In some ways, the more you do, the more she is reminded that she doesn't have a mom.
Her father needs to get on top of this and see what she's going through. She's starting to look at teenage independence, and so she is looking to step out on her own in some ways. Get ready for adolescence! She's starting to see herself as a woman (or as a future woman) and research says that the strongest role model for anyone is the parent of the same gender. We are used to boys not having fathers since so many single moms have custody, but there are some cases like this one where the girls are motherless.
The school I taught in had "special visitors" day - it was originally "grandparents day" but so many kids didn't have grandparents (or none in the area) that it expanded to "special visitors" and all kinds of people came in from the community (superintendent, fire chief, police detective, business people, you name it) and every kid was assigned a special person. Why not suggest that to the troop leader who obviously needs some help. And check with the local girl scout council to see what their policies are and what other options are used by other troops.
Maybe she finds you unapproachable.
