My 10 Y/of Son Is So lonely..it's Breaking My Heart!

Could you try by helping him not to try so hard to get kids to like him, but to develop the traits that people naturally like? Trying too hard often mean that we're creating a persona that will seem appealing. Instead, help him become trustworthy, not one to gossip, kind, friendly, smiling, and helpful.

Practice good helping habits (holding the door open at the grocery store for the next customer, saying please and thank you for small things at home, offering to take the trash out, etc), and demonstrate these yourself, while mentioning them. For example, say aloud "it looks like Mrs. Senior Citizen across the street needs her sidewalk shoveled; let's go do it together" and then if Mrs. Senior Citizen offers any money in return, smile and say something like "we're glad to help you, we won't accept any money" no matter how wealthy Mrs. Senior Citizen is.

Try role playing. Use a visual cue (closed fist, or a sign language signal) to remind him to lower his voice. Or place a little note in the home (where only family will see it) that reminds everyone to use quieter voices.

And consider limiting his xbox online communication. 10 is way too young to be soliciting online friends for gaming. That's not realistic - often these "friends" that one finds online are not who they seem to be. They may be much older, they may be seeking vulnerable children, they may be acting like the coolest, most confident, friendly, appealing gamer when actually they are nothing like that at all. If you must, let him play xbox but not live, or online. Just a one player game for a little entertainment. It's very potentially dangerous for a kid who's not even a tween to be begging for people to play with him online. One of these days some predator will jump on this situation and befriend your child and lead him down a road you do not want to think about. Don't allow your son to solicit friends online on any device. Practice real world skills with real people, and develop a solid foundation within himself that will carry him through life.

This is hard! The last year and a half we lived next to an 11 year old boy (my son was 11 last year too) who also had this problem. He would want to come over and play video games or whatever but he was really loud, talked nonstop, didn't listen, and was very opinionated. He also wanted to "debate" everything with my son. EVERYTHING. It's like his mode of communicating is arguing or just being super opinionated. My son wanted to be friends with him but just could not stand him for long. I felt really bad and always told my son he needs to be nice and invite Daniel too. He needs to include him. But after a year my son would say, But mom I really can't STAND him. And I can understand where he is coming from. I wish I could have somehow taught Daniel a different way to communicate with other kids. I can tell he is a good person inside. He really annoys other kids though. I'm not saying your son is like this...I just don't know. Do you listen to your son when he is around a group of other boys? How does he interact with them? I think it would be helpful if you and his therapist have him practice other ways to communicate and to talk to others. Can you record him when he is around other kids and play it to the therapist to come up with ideas? My other thought on this is he just does not click with that group of boys and he needs to meet totally different kids to find someone he really relates well to. I really feel for you and your son...that is heartbreaking. PS - My son was having issues and I had him see a psychiatrist for therapy for a while and it helped him a TON. It was totally worth it.

Sign him up for something so that he can naturally socialize with kids his age - basketball, karate, Cub Scouts, something ...

Playing xbox is fine, but it's not going to teach him social skills. Going to the group is great!!! Still, he needs to be with other kids. He will learn through practice as long as he has opportunities to practice.

I'm glad you have him working with a professional.

I would say that it would help if your son expanded his interests beyond games - if he's nagging people to do Xbox, what happens if he contacts people who don't do Xbox? Can you help him focus on or join another activity? If there isn't something in school, can he do something beneficial for others that would make him feel good/useful/wanted, garner him some compliments, and maybe draw in some participant/friends who would like to do the activity?

Some things that come to mind are

- food drives for the food pantry (the cupboards are traditionally bare once the Thanksgiving/Christmas generosity wears off)

- collection of various textiles and animal toys for a local shelter - call first, but they often take used or stained bedding/towels, old pillows, and similar stuff that people are happy to get rid of. He could send out a neighborhood email, post flyers, and put a large box or even one of those big Coleman coolers in the driveway or on the porch. Other kids could distribute flyers to other neighborhoods.

- if he's into it, Google those patterns/instructions for making animal beds out of old sweaters and flannel shirts. Here's one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82HO-gwmA2s
Again, it's a great way for people to get rid of things with holes or stains that cannot be donated for people to wear, but which could go to great use. Maybe you could work with the after school program or early drop off to create a demand for this activity. When the work is done, get the shelter to take a picture of your child and post it on their FB page. Kudos for a job well done, that sort of thing. You can use old textiles for the stuffing but maybe a local fabric store would donate the polyester fill you can buy in big plastic bags. That might happen after you do the first round.

- does he sing? Can you get a little chorus together to sing at a nursing home? All you need is one adult with minimal musical ability and a couple of downloaded songs (don't do anything too edgy - pick things the seniors will know).

I know he's young, but start small and build from there. Being of service to others is the best thing for someone who is lonely himself.

Socializing can be tough - social media can be worse.
I'd really watch how much contact he has with anyone online.
Kids who appear needy can sometimes attract some people who will take advantage of him if they can.
Sign him up for taekwondo.
He'll have a chance to run around and exhaust himself and he'll meet other kids in a range of ages.
It's ok for you and him to do some things together too.
In the absence of a group of friends a grownup who will listen can be a big help.
If there's anything like a parent/child bowling league, or take an art class together or learn rock climbing - doing something like that together could be a lot of fun.

it's tough when a little fellow struggles with social skills and how to connect naturally with people. there were a few like him in some of our homeschool groups.

what seemed to work best was to find brief activities with limited people. a loud talker is going get shunned in a bigger group, but sometimes might find a place with fewer people and more natural boundaries.

video games have the advantage that they focus outward, but almost all of them encourage loud responses and trash talk. i'm concerned that your 10 year old is interacting with strangers to that extent. i have no clue how it works, mind you, but limiting the time he can spend annoying others in the internet gaming world, probably by directly overseeing it, would be a start. you don't want him to become the victim of trolls, or to figure out the joys of trolling himself. it's a natural progression for someone who likes to use rough language and feels shunned by the world.

it's telling that when it's your kid using blue language it's 'not so nice' but when it's the other kid whom you blame for it all it's a 'foul mouth.'

your son has a foul mouth too, and it's not the fault of the other kid. own it, and parent it with zero tolerance.

kids can smell desperation with the sureness of a hyena pack. in addition to helping him moderate his behavior to fit in, i think if this young fellow were mine i'd work on focusing him outward. there's no better way to do that than volunteering, with an eye to developing a) a genuine interest that would b) develop natural friendships.

we spent an awful lot of time at a service horse retirement home i helped set up. my kids, my younger in particular who spent hours every week up at that farm for years, weren't that into horses, but they developed lifelong friendships from it all. i know it may not be an option, but horses are great teachers for kids who tend to be loud and abrupt, because they rarely tolerate it. nor do kid wolfpacks, for that matter, but the immediate clear feedback that horse will give can open a Loud Person's eyes and ears to the impact they're having.

but other venues could also work. including working at a retirement home or senior center where the volume could actually work in his favor.

the bottom line is that while your son's current behavior might be getting in the way of huck finn type friendships, if he were working alongside other kids cleaning stalls or cages, planting flowers at veteran cemeteries, delivering meals on wheels, picking up trash in a park or learning martial arts, the boundaries placed around the time spent with others would naturally make his awkwardness easier for others to accept. a few positive encounters would encourage him to keep working on moderating his tone and language so that he could broaden his social circle and ability to relate to others.

small steps. there isn't a magic button for this. but it's vital that he start now learning how to get by in the bigger world, and keeping it manageably short in duration and as positive as possible will make it work.

good luck!
khairete
S.