My 16Yr Old Is Acting Very Strange....

Updated on March 29, 2007
E.C. asks from Jackson, MI
12 answers

He seems to defensive, like he's trying to hide something. I remember being very defensive as a teenager, but this is outrageous. You can't even joke around with him without him jumping around like you're accusing him of something. He went out with a school group (or so he said) to dinner and a movie in Ann Arbor (which I thought was a little strange). They supposedly left around 430pm but he didn't come home until 1 am!!! I don't remember any school activity that got home that late. And then my husband found a Oujia board hidden under his bed. I'm very worried that he's headed down a bad path and I'm not sure what I can do. His mom died last October and I know he's having a hard time "filling the hole it left" but I'm worried he's trying to fill it the wrong way

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S.C.

answers from Detroit on

I would say that counseling is a really good idea especially for the 16 year old because to me the oujii board to me seems like a desperate and sad attempt to deal with grief and to possibly contact his mom, if you've never seen it prior. maybe he just misses her so much but if he's not talking about it then it can only get worse and could lead to worse activities.I would reccommend that. good luck to the both of you and I commend you greatly as a woman for being so strong for those kids I know it can't be easy with 5 kids but they will remember this when they are older, I promise. hang in there, good luck.

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V.K.

answers from Saginaw on

If this was truly a "school outing" then there would have been a permission slip for you to sign in order for him to participate. I don't know of any school that holds activities requiring travel without a permission slip. Otherwise, he was just meaning a group of friends from school were going out. You are certainly right in asking questions, but of course you don't want him to think you're trying to replace his mom. Does Dad ask any questions about his where-abouts, etc? It's probably best if Dad approaches him in my opinion, but Dad must make it clear that he has to answer to you also. As time goes on, you can take on more of the "parenting" of those children, but I feel that if you do so too soon, they will resent you for it (though not at all your fault). I agree with the counseling. It would help everyone involved.

As far as the Ouija board, I wouldn't worry about that unless you have established rules against it or see evidence of it "affecting" him. I was a vey straight laced teenager - honor student, college prep classes, etc - and I loved the Ouija board. I didn't not believe in it's "abilities," I just found it fun. My parents didn't like it and didn't allow it, so I just used it at friends houses.

Hope it all works out for your family. Best of luck to you.

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S.P.

answers from Detroit on

Hi E., I would seek counseling for him, when I was 14 I started acting the same way, very defensive and angry, I didn't want to tell my parents anything, they thought something was wrong, and there was, there was a boy who was very threatning to me, he wrote a letter to my parents detailing how he was going to kidnap me. I'm sure your son is just being a teenager, but these days you truly never know, if he can't talk to you, then perhaps a counselor can seek out what is bothering him, it's better to find out now... and let him heal, then if something bad was to happen

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L.M.

answers from Detroit on

When my aunt's chidren hit the teens, she hid a baby monitor under their bed! I am not rec. that but I thought it was a great way to recyle that old baby equipment :)
I agree with everyone else to get him to a therapist and fast. This kid is at a very vulnerable age not to mention the fact he is still grieving the loss of his mother. You are in a TOUGH spot being the "stepmom". Has his father just sat down with him and had a heart to heart about his loss and feelings? Maybe this a good place to start. I'm not sure you are the person to have this conversation right now. My heart goes out to your son. No child should have to go thru such heartbreak at this age..Good Luck and let us know how everything works out.
L.

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T.S.

answers from Kalamazoo on

E.,
My best friend passed away at the very young age of 32... she left a 9 yr old son who is now 16!!!!!! he acts in very bad ways at times.... but what your son is doing is deceitful.... he is trying to get attention and probably has every ounce of yours...... i have played "mom" to my friends son for years now and now that he is older and "smarter" it stinks.... the most you can do is not let him "win"... its a game to them and they look to win make sure he loses... then help him recover from that loss... cuz in his eyes you cant help with the recovery with the loss of his mom....but maybe in helping with other losses he will realize that you are there always

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R.O.

answers from Detroit on

It does seem youre son is acting suspicious, i would be concerned too. It would be a good idea to get him into counceling to deal with his mothers death. It is very possible hes getting into the wrong things because of his feelings about his mom. And youre right about him being defensive, it usually is a sign of guilt. It sounds like you have your hands full. Good luck with everything, (and good for you for wanting to get back to school, good luck with that)

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C.C.

answers from Detroit on

If he is not in counselling, I would put him (all of them) in asap. It sounds like he is trying to deal with things in his own way. With a house size as large as yours, I can see how it would be very difficult to have one on one time, however, it might not be a bad idea for DAD to have one on one time with him a LOT. Not for talking, but for a venture out of the house together: a movie or a sporting event- something fun- not only take his mind off of things, but to have someone closest to him help fill the missing gap.

Also, if he had a counselor you could ask them questions about situations like the one you mention above with him lying, and what type of conversation you should have with him, and how to punish him in this state. Any child would be very fragile given the circumstances, and I am sure all of this is pretty tricky for you. This sounds like something so much bigger than Mamasource. You need to talk to a professional. Good luck to you, E.. Hang in there!

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R.W.

answers from Jackson on

Is he seeing a therapist? Dealing with the death of a parent so young is difficult. If the kids who lost their momma aren't in therapy I would strongly encourage you to get them in. If insurance is an issue there are a lot of sliding fee scale therapists available...if you are in/near Jackson the Dove counseling clinic has a sliding fee scale. Call around ask who has it.

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M.S.

answers from Jackson on

Hi E. I am a mother of four children, two that i had and the other two are my step daughters. i would like to offer you some advice I am also a psychic medium. i hope it is okay that i give you my feedback. I feel that your son is deeply troubled about the death of his mother. In some ways i believe that he blames himself for her death, which of course you know that he shouldn't blame himself. I feel like that is what the oujia board is for. He wants to contact her and her feels like this is the best way to do it. He dosen't have to use that thing though i personally do not like them. He can talk to his mom in his thoughts or prayers and she will hear him. She is always around him and with him. i would keep a very close eye on him so you make sure that he is not getting in to doing things to hurt his health. he's defensive because he is angry . Make sure you know where he is going and with who you know he won't like it but in the long wrong you are doing what is best for the child. it would be great if his dad could try to have some time set aside to spend with him and taljk about how he is feeling or just to hang out. He needs His dad alot right now. even if he is resistant to hanging out with dad at first it will help too. i would keep a close eye on him. If you need anymore help please let me know God bless you and your family.

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S.N.

answers from Saginaw on

Is he involved in a school extra curricular activity? If not, then he almost definately lied about the trip. But, you could ask him what class or group he went with. If he can't answer, then it sounds an awful lot like a lie, to me. And if he answers, just tell him that his father and yourself are going to go talk about the trip with the teacher that was in charge, because you disagree with how late they kept the kids out. That should take the wind out of his sails if he lied.

I could share with you a fairly sneaky trick I plan to use with my son. When he reaches the "privacy age," I plan to tell him point blank that I expect his room to be kept spotless at all times. If he doesn't do the job, I will. I figure it's a win-win. Either I get full rights to snoop through EVERYTHING he owns, or his room is so clean he'd never know if I snooped or not. It might sound a bit authoritarian to some. But, the ones that oppose snooping are usually either the ones with perfect children(a fairy tale), or are the ones more likely to have bigger trouble, in my experience.

As for the Quija board, those are not a big deal at all. They're just a toy. I think too much power for a kid's behavior has been given to games, like Dungeons and Dragons, Quija Board, etc. I have a hunch that he night have it in hopes of being able to communicate with his mom, though, which is the only way I can see the toy being a bad thing. Some counselling might prove beneficial for him, to help cope with his loss.

If his behavior gets any more erratic, you may have to bite the bullet and go through with a surprise drug test. You can even pick them up at the drug store now. If he's clean, then he'll somehow manage to get over it, in time. But, if he's not, then he really can't judge, can he. I would only consider this as a last resort, though.

A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Ya, I doubt that was a school activity and I would definitely consider drug use also because of the super defensiveness. My mom died when I was 16 also (and even in Oct.), so I have a little bit of advice. No matter how defensive he gets, don't get defensive or hostile back. This is a time, no matter how much he is pushing away, that he needs to be brought back in and kept close with the family. Try to plan things that he likes to do as a family, or at least most of the family. Allow him to bring friends on these family outings as well, this way you will know who he is hanging around. Boys this age will not show their feelings, so the saddness may come out as anger. Bad behavior is probably a cry for help whether he knows it or not. Punish him for things he does wrong, but be careful not to label him as bad. He needs lots of nuturing right now because his sense of the world has been turned upside down. When you lose a parent at a young age it changes the way you view things. Some things just don't matter anymore and as horrible as it sounds, it brings you closer with the thoughts of death that most 16yr old don't even consider. The main thing is to keep him as close as possible (all of your children). Do things as a family. Go camping, take him fishing and have family game night or at least movie night. I know it will be hard to get him involved, but do things he wants to do. Ask him. And tell him how important it is to stick together and help his younger siblings too. Suggest starting a journal or writing to express feelings that he isn't ready to talk about. Suggest counseling, but don't force him to go. Smother him with love and kindness even if he resists, but do punish him for what he does wrong. Don't let him get away with bad things just because his mom died. Keep a sharp eye out for drug use, but don't accuse him too much or he will be more defensive. Smother him with over sweet kindness and even if he acts like he doesn't like it, it's what he needs.

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P.R.

answers from Detroit on

E., I wish I could help with your 16 year old. Have you tried a counsler? Their are grief counslers in Clarkston. At Garwood & Associates. And if your'e not close ask at any funeral home to refer one. Or Chamber of Commerse.
As far as you going to school for work. What about a stay at home job. Net work marketing type can earn you a great income. I can direct you to some I know about. What interests you. Skin care and wellness ( Arbonne I do that). Natural Products, Meleuca, then their are jewlery ones, food ones, Simply Tasteful, Pampere Chef and such. What I enjoy about Arbonne is the positive people and the health I have experienced with the products. What ever you choose you can arrange time with your family without preasures of a job or homework schdule. Good luck Pam R

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