Hello everyone!!! I have a 12yr old boy who is a hand full this year. I keep trying to tell myself that it has to do with hormones and changes but I just do not know what else to do... So here it the situation;
My son is a A & B student always has been but this year he has decided to be lazy...His grades are ok except for one class. After conferences a couple of weeks ago there was a common theme with every last one of his classes. HE IS TOO SOCIAL!!! I have given him the opportunity for the last couple of months to stop this behavior and to pay more attention when in class. One of his classes he is not passing for lack of focus and not good use of the time. The others he just will not turn in his work and the work he turns in is very sloppy(as if he could care less) As a punishment he no longer is part of the football team and his TV time has been taken away. I have always been very strict when it comes to school and sports. But now, he walks around as if he could care less that he doesn’t watch TV or play sports. I am not sure if the message got across that school is first and that there are consequences when bad choices are made. I have taken all away that I thought meant something to him, but I am not getting any results. Why just yesterday two of his teachers emailed me to advise that he would rather walk around the room, be told constantly to sit down and pay attention. I have talked to him about all of this and he has nothing to say! Is there something going on with him that I am just not seeing??? ANY SUGGESTIONS??????
Consider Dr Ross Greene's new book about behavior problems at school. Greene is speaking in West Bloomfield in a couple of weeks: http://98.130.55.106/index.php?option=com_content&tas...
Hello G.,
My kids are not yet in pre-teen stage but I know parents who have kids in that stage.
From what I hear alot of parents have problems with their kid not turning it in homework. They parent will set with them for hours to make sure they get the work done then they don't turn it in the next day. The parent wonder's why so many assignments are missing. I could not understand why someone would take the time to do their work and not turn it in. But, what I have been told is that around this age It's not cool to be "smart" and be seen turning in homework. They care more about what there peers think of them than doing the right thing (being the first to answer a question in class and appearing to be the "Brain of the Class").
What are his friends like? They maybe having some influence on him. Do they have the same attitude?
I think at this age it's about being cool and going along with the crowd. Since he is not playing sports or watchng TV what is he doing in his spare time? I always thought that keeping a boy busy with constructive things they enjoy would (1) boost self-confidence and (2) keep him out of trouble. maybe taking things away is making him even more stubborn. Maybe playing sports was not that important to him.
These are just my thoughts. I'm along way from being an expert on a child's behavior. My 4 year old would try me all the time. I finally learned that keeping him busy, strict scehduling and praise works best with him.
I'm sure it's just the pre-teen phase.
good Luck
Is he in middle school or elementary school? The transition to middle school can be a big one for some kids. Does he have any new friends that he might be trying to impress by being flippant about school?
That said, I would look into what he is eating. What "goes in" could effect behavior. I would eliminate all sugar and white flour. Check the labels...no "oses", glucose, high fructose corn syrup, sucrose, "natural" flavorings or spices (MSG). These are all hidden dangers in our food. Make sure his meals are balanced and full of nutrition, no junk. So many kids don't get the right nutrition and it really does cause the brain to "misfire" and cause them to behave in a way they can't really control or understand why they are doing it. My guess is that if you ask him why he can't sit still or pay attention, he will say he doesn't know. Be patient and kind but firm. HOORAY for you that you are seeing it now, before it has gone too far into his teen years!All the best to you!
I agree with some of your previos mom responders. ADHD and possible drug/alcohol use definitely need to be explored. If neither of those is an issue, then try sitting down with your son and asking him what he wants to do when he grows up. What are his interests? How does he hope to achieve his goals? Education can contribute to almost every life choice. Perhaps in exploring how education can help him, he will begin to see a value in it that he currently does not see. Try to support his goals if they are worthwhile, even if they are not what you would choose for him. My son wants to be a chef. This is not a career path I would have considered for him, but I support his choice, hope that he will be successful, and give him opportunities to see how education can help him achieve that goal.
Good luck!
Hi,
Im M., I have a 10 year old and a 12 year old. Have you considered that he may be ADHD and the H is starting to rear it's ugly head. I only ask because my child had the same kind of attitude and same issues at school, it took me three years to admit there was more to it than bad parenting. Additionlly, have him check for allergies. I know wheat allergies can effect behavior. In the end it may just be normal pre teen behavior. Not sure if this helps, but know that you are not alone in your stuggle and don't give up on him. Continue to take what means the most to him and perhaps get him in for a check up.
I have not had the sudden change you describe, but had a slow decline starting in 5th grade with my now 9th grader. High IQ and very unmotivated: saw that being smart was no "gift" socially: getting A's and making mom and dad proud not a priority. Every kid has different "buttons" but after pulling my hair out, taking away all fun, offering it back as reward, and still not getting the result I wanted, I leveled with him and spoke to him like an adult, sort of. What I realized and told him was "I can't make it happen for you" He's male so I used the ego some by talking up his positive traits (You have the ability to do (fill in the blank) and I think thats so cool). I said what I wanted for him, and that while I wouldn't accept failing grades, and wouldn't be proud of C's, I was accepting that he was in control. Since you've seen a sudden change, I'd be very direct in asking if he was involved in any drug use. The behavior you describe is one of the "signs". I hope not, but that, and sex, are so available and somewhat a right of passage to mid schoolers these days, that its worth talking to him about. I think taking away a sport is a double edged sword. The physical activity is so important, so if he's not doing that, he should be doing something else. AND, the support of a coach might help you out a lot. There is also the danger of him just accepting that "I'm a loser" so what I do doesn't matter" They do get lazy at that age, and some is just from the physical changes. Now my son is doing okay. I told him from 6th grade on, that HS would be better, but he had to get the grades now so he wouldn't be in boring classes later. For him, boredom really was and is the challenge. He's the Child Left Behind in the current policy, but don't get me started on that!!! I just found I had to stop being the parent I had been when he was younger, and begin to be the parent that guides and advises more than controls. It has made a difference. Still no straight A's but we are all happier. Seeing your obvious full plate, I commend you on your hard work!
He wants to walk around the room, can't pay attention? Has he been evaluated for ADD? Many times, they don't get diagnosed until older, because once they hit middle school, the work is greater and they are no longer able to compensate. The teachers are not qualified to diagnose this, you should talk to his physician. I would hate to think that his behavior is being totally blamed on his attitude when it could be beyond his control. Also, something for you to consider in regards to the sports; most sports teams have grade requirements, so if he fails a class he may not be able to play. If he were to stay on the team it could be a source of motivation for him to keep his grades up. Good luck
I don't know much about this age child but I have a resource that I have heard is good.
Pre- Teen Wise by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo
Check it out at your library or see if they can bring it in from another library if they don't have it.
YOu will likely find it at Borders and it is definately on ebay or amazon.
Blessings! YOu have a big job! Hang in there.
