My Daughter’s Behavior Is Worse After the Age of Three and a Half

SO IS MINE!! Have you ever heard the saying, "People who made up the phrase terrible two's doesnt have a 3 year old"?? Because its so true, it doesnt get much better! Ooooooh the mouth and the talking back! Makes me tired!!

My daughter was the worst from 3.5-4! It seemed to be about having choices and wanting independence. So start laying out two outfits and letting her choose one, give her two choices for breakfast, lunch, shoes, etc. More than two is overwhelming! Lay out the day's plans for her, create silly songs or rituals to "bring her back" from a tantrum. The week my daughter turned four, she was a whole new child :) hang in there!

And please don't resort to physical punishment, that doesn't teach her anything but continued bad behavior, which you're trying to steer her away from. Time outs didn't work for us either, it was more about redirection and her feeling like she has choices on how to act (can you do this or do I need to do it for you?), and having her "help" me do chores was a good solution for us. Read "love and logic" too!

I think she is too young for mini puberty. She is testing her limits now. She knows that if she cries she will get her way. If time out does not work then take away some of her favorite toys. If she does not want to eat something for dinner then tell her this is not a restaurant. Let her know you are the boss she is not. Make a behavior chart for her. When she is good she gets a gold star. Help her be in charge of her behavior by doing this. This shall too pass.

Give your daughter some "power" and your struggles will lessen tremendously. We went from nuclear meltdowns over turning off the tv to a happy and willing little boy just by letting him push the red button on the remote. Bedtime fights were eliminated once our son got to choose his pajamas and decide which light he would turn off versus which light his younger brother would turn off. These were incredibly small things in the course of an overall day/week/life but they have brought much peace to our home.

Time out is silly and abused by too many. If our son does something really bad...recent example was kicking his younger brother and making him fall I remove him from the situation, sit him down without toys and tell him to think about what he did - - - he does that for about 2 minutes and then we recap what happened, what was the "bad" behavior and what we could have done better. He says sorry for the action and voices the bad behavior and some sort of confirmation that he will not do it again. This has given him ownership of mistakes and tools to make a better choice if the situation arises again.

Our children need our attention and if we do not give it to them for positive things they resort to acting out to get the negative responses/attention. YOU are the adult and YOU need to control yourself...please do not beat your child. Communication is one of the best gifts YOU can give to your child just make sure what you are communicating to her is what you want back and want her to do with others.

Good luck and hang in there! There is another "stage" right around the corner and hopefully it will be better but it is really up to you!

All the best!
- J. :)

OK, I don't want to be picky about words like when people say "spanking is hitting, you should just say hitting, it's all hitting" to try to make it sound like you might be punching your kid in the face with a closed fist rather than swatting their butt with an open hand, but "beating" truly does sound like angry pummeling. So, I apologize if this is a language issue, but I hope you mean "spanking", and it shouldn't be for "mistakes", which mean "accidents", it should be to teach not to do important things in a calm, preventative way. This could include tantrums as prevention if you are calm and consistent.

You have to be sure that you are very supportive of her choices as the normal way you operate most of the time, but IF she decides to throw fits and defy you, you have to give a calm warning and a consequence every time on the second warning for her to understand what she is doing (at 3 1/2 she totally understands) and to learn she will never get away with it, and therefore not form the habit. This will let her grow and nurture the right behavior instead of the wrong, when the wrong isn't allowed. If you stay calm, she'll know you are teaching, not lashing out.

IF you are randomly "beating her" angrily sometimes for "mistakes" (spilling stuff? accidentally doing things when she doesn't know better?), she will not learn anything. You can't teach while angry, and the message is that you are mad, not that she is making a logical wrong choice with a logical right alternative she can choose at a warning to avoid discipline. Mistakes should never be disciplined, and children this age are not trying to make you mad, they are just trying to push boundaries. Calmly enforce, and then shift immediately to focusing on good, no grudges or long drawn out scenarios, so she knows you expect and appreciate the best in her.

Sounds like you need to tone things down and make her environment more loving and supportive and let her have lots of choices, but be very clear and consistent about what is allowed as well with firm calm discipline.

There are very few things important enough for discipline, you shouldn't be always telling her no about everything, but you're right, throwing fits and being mean does need discipline, whether its about clothes, yelling at parents, whatever. It's not trivial.

Prevention is key, so always give a clear verbal warning when her attitude first begins to shift. Always give her the chance to choose the better option before calmly enforcing. It's easier to nip before she gets carried away, you won't be getting mad, and it sends the message not to start the behavior.

When you threw out the cup, she was sad. She should have been allowed a BIT of remorse, but when it started to spin into a tantrum, she should have been given a warning that discipline would follow, not comforted, because now she knows if she cries uncontrollably over something, you'll pull over and comfort her. She didn't leave her precious favorite blanket somewhere (now THAT's cause to grieve, and I would cry right along with my daughter for that, AND turn around to look for it...yes it's happened...), you threw out her cup. She was just practicing her new fiery temper. Then not taking her out any more, never gives her the opportunity to keep trying until she gets it right. And then she started it before kindergarten and everything else. She won't stop until you teach her. Don't be scared to teach. She will learn. It's a phase and it's up to you how long it lasts.

If she is new to this, and was always good before, she will learn quickly because her habits are not firmly set in yet.
Read this site, you may like the book
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

My 3 1/2 almost 4 year old daughter seems to do many of the same things. Clothing is a constant "problem". She cries and screams as soon as we say "no." I think it's normal.

However, I think you have to come up with very consistent reactions to the behavior you deem unacceptable. I don't fight about clothing as long as it is seasonally appropriate, if she doesn't choose in a certain amount of time then I get to choose. Period. When my daughter has the crying/tantrum response to being told no she goes to her room. Period. She may scream and cry all she wants in her room.

Everyday is a new challenge. I typically feel like I have no idea what is up, and what is down. Good luck with this phase, I dread finding out what comes next too!

I'm with the other moms-- pick your battles. Let her wear what she wants, or give her choices. Let her eat what she wants of what she is offered-- I don't mean let her eat whatever she wants, but if you put a plate in front of her with things on it you know she will usually eat, then let her choose what to eat without comment. Of course, if she doesn't eat, there is no more food until the next meal time, but let it be her choice. It is also not unusual to have separation issues again at this age, and if your mornings are unpleasant, it may be adding to that.

I'm not sure how old she is now, but if this has been going on for a while it is going to take her a while to get out of it. Did she get sent to kindergarden early? If so, maybe she's not emotionally ready to deal with the stress and it's coming out at home?

She has to know that crying and whining is not going to get her anything-- not your attention, and certainly not what she wants. But you have to be willing to ignore it-- no matter where you are-- for a while. And, as you said, obviously physical punishment is not an option for dealing with this behavior. Be very clear and consistent with your responses and if things don't get better, check in with her pediatrician. Good luck!

She will grow out of this if you

Wow, at 3 and 3/4 years is when my child started disobeying and defying us. Before that everyone would comment on how pleasing she was. She still has bad days at home, but is an angel everywhere else. Sometimes she needs to know we are the boss and she is not in control, though she would love to be. The clothes and food were issues in first and second grades. We finally set limits. She had to pick out her clothes the night before. She helped me plan breakfast. She doesn't get to complain and whine. We did the behavior chart from office stores with the stars. It wasn't a big motivator for her so I quit, though it works with some kids.

I am wondering (can't help it) but what does she want to wear. What is wrong with her picking out her outfit. It is a very small thing. You can tell her no in a different way by saying those two colors just don't look good together what about this color to go with the pants she pick out or something. No one likes to be told flat out no. And "NO" should really be saved for really big important things.
Another thing that will help. Let her be the one to throw something away. It will make her feel like a big girl.

Her behavior sounds very normal.

This is pretty normal. My son does something similar, though usually to a lesser extent. When he is tired, then he cries over everything, like your daughter is doing. One recommendation...give your daughter as much choice as you can. I put all of my son's underwear, socks, long pants & long shirts in one drawer. In the morning I let him pick out his clothes for the day. This makes him happy. And I have limited to weather appropriate clothing, so I am happy. Sometimes he doesn't match at all, but I'm ok with that if we avoid a melt down. If you don't have a drawer large enough, you could do a bin. Or you could lay out 3 outfits each morning & let her choose between them. Though she will probably want to assert her authority & will mix and match them. Let her.
Good luck.

The half years are always worse than the whole years - 2.5 is worse than 2... 3.5 is worse than 3...
It is just the way it is.
You need to be consistent and firm.
You need to pick your battles. If it doesn't matter what she wears, let her pick. If it does matter, give her 2 appropriate choices.
It seems that your daughter has a temper that she has used in the past to get her way. If it works once, she'll try it again -- especially if it keeps working.
Watch what you do and say. Be very careful not to give in after you've said no.
LBC

What are you fighting with her about? Let her wear what she wants to, that's not a battle you have to have. Pick your battles wisely. She is just now getting old enough to realize she can control some things... which is what maturity is all about. Let her control some of the small things in her life while you control the important ones.

Hi, #4:
Do you give her choices or let her know ahead of time what is planned and give her choices?

Have you sat down with her and talked about what would she consider a consequence for inappropriate behavior?

Make a poster of expectations y'all have come up with.

Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.

Ha!! Forget about the Terrible 2's. Welcome to the F*ing 4's!!!!

My daughter was the same way from about 3.5-4.5/5. She did eventually grow out of it. From everyone I have spoke with, it is normal, and will be grown out of, but must also be delt with. It is kids getting into a power struggle, and seeing how far they can push the boundries. Much like the TT's, but they are mouthier now. Just stick to your guns and she will grow out of it.