My Daughters First Visit with Dad

i feel so bad to tell you that i have no idea. my son is 9 months today & i think we'll be in the same situation fairly soon... i wish you all the best.

on a more helpful note, may i suggest a place where i think you'll get a lot of help but also an amazing community base (not that this isn't --- love this group of gals!!!) --- but this is for single parents.

iheartsingleparents.com (i would suggest signing up NOW!)

good luck to you!!!

Here are a few things that I have learned through trial and error. First of all, anticipate that following each visit with Dad will be behavioral changes. If you know and anticipate it, hopefully it will not be so irritating. Also, although it is not fair, you will likely be the stable environment for your children. I have had positive results by remaining as consistent as possible, not allowing my daughters to speak disrepectfully about their father, and by telling them, bit by bit as they have grown, the truth about their father. They don't need to know all of the details. "Your Daddy loves you very much, but he cannot honestly take care of himself, let alone a wife and children. He has an addiction that he will need to get under control before he is able to manage anything else." Of course, I explained what "addiction" means, etc. (This conversation did not occur at 19 months, though.) :) You sound like a wonderful, loving Mother. If you do not have an amazing support system, please look around you and take note of which people make you feel good and energized. Church groups can be great. Families can be a dream come true, but they can also be a nightmare come true. Whatever your situation is, make sure you have people around you (besides us) :) who are on your side, supporting you. May God Bless and Keep You and Yours.

Your hormones will be raging, you'll be tired and you're juggling a toddler and a newborn, adding an ex-husband to the mix to entertain and talk with about your two children will be difficult. So.... I whole heartedly recommend that you have a friend present when he comes to visit and that you set parameters in advance of date, time, place and length of the visit; along with whether or not he can take your daughter from the premises, as you'll be overly worried the entire time she'd be happy. Do you have a parenting plan in place yet? If not, you need one. Please contact a lawyer and get a guardian ad liem to look out for the best interests of your kids and to speak for them. This can't be a 'do it yourself' separation/divorce with kids involved, the state doesn't allow for that. So protect your sanity and their well being and contact the lawyer and g.a.l.

I wish you the best with your new baby, your daughter and your new life!!! Congratulations!

Wow, I can't believe he has not come to see his baby girl since November. I really don't know what to tell you but I want you to know that I'm saying a prayer for you all.
I also pray that you have a healthy delivery and baby.
Hugs,
D.

Get a lawyer. Do you have a custody order? If not, and you believe that your ex wants to take the baby, then you need to get one.

My sister-in-law left her husband while she was pregnant. She thought they had an amicable visitation schedule. (By the way, I would NEVER recommend the mother of an infant allow overnight visits with the biological father. This creates a logistical nightmare in a law suit over custody - because a court would NEVER order an infant or young child to be surrundered for overnight visits away from the primary custodian . . . unless overnight visits were already part of the routine.)

Anyway, she let the baby go for overnight visits so she could have a break for a couple of night per week . . . and he refused to return the baby to her. He had gotten a lawyer and filed for custody in court. The temporary order gave HIM physical custody of the baby - because he had actual physical custody of the baby at the time he filed. My SIL had to rush to hire a lawyer, scramble to the court house, get a new court order, and then we had to have a police escort to get the baby back. It was a nightmare.

But, no parent (regardless of whether or not they are the non-custodial parent) can kidnap their own child UNLESS they are in violation of a court order.

first of all if he is going to come visit the new baby tight after he is born, let the doctor and nurses know. They will help with security. As long as he is not there when the child was born he can not take the child out of your room. I agree with everyone else. Have some family or friends over to help you, set ground rules before he can come over.
And most imporant for all. You are no-longer married he has no legal rights of the new baby until the judge says so.
good luck and congrats.

Definitely speak with an attorney (try legal aid at www.lasoregon.org if cost is an issue) about your situation. From what I've read there are many different ideas about how the law works for folks who find themselves in your type of situation. I'm not sure which is correct but can say most certainly that the best way to ensure your children are taken care of in the manner you desire, is to draft a parenting plan and to obtain legal custody of the children.

Good luck!

Congratulations on the new baby and the beautiful girl too!

I would suggest having other people with you--and not just one--but a group. Make it a "party" with the help of someone that you really trust to help you fake it. Have some cupcakes or cake, blue for boy, etc. Have something for your daughter too. Like a new doll wrapped up. Or maybe your daughter can be at your mother's and just not present at a difficult time. Keep it short by saying you and the baby are tired.

Best of luck. W.

Don't let him take the baby or your daughter out of the house.
Have another person present and set the rules unless you have a divorce agreement about visitation.

Get legal advice. He does not have the see the baby as soon as he/she is born. It sounds like he isn't much of a father if he has not been to see his child since November.

L.

Here, Here to April W!
It sounds like your afraid of some spiteful behaivor from your ex, or it's just your female emotions taking over. iether way your gut is telling you to be careful, I suggest you read April's responce over again.
from my own personal experiance I'll tell you this;
My daughter is now 11 1/2, my X and I split when I was still prenant with her and her twin. we were young and stupid, and he became a coke attic & was abusive the last 2 1/2 months that we were together. (the reason we split)when he quit the drugs I tried so hard to convince him to see the baby, his reasonings were simple I lived in WA he lived in TX. He hasn't seen her since, not a phone call, a picture, email, nothing. That is abandonment, and his behavior started before she and her brother were born. Our mutual friends said that he didn't even show concern when he learned that one of the twins didn't make it.
I know it is tough for you right now, but please listen to the hine-site of so many of us. don't go with your heart, go with your gut. on the birth papers give your new baby your maiden name. if he asks, tell him it's your turn to be selfish.
and I too will be praying for you.

What a shmuck - why isn't he visiting his daughter who is here already? I could see that alone being a problem...even between the siblings. No matter what, sister, it's going to be hard. I don't have any experience with this other than to say I'm sorry.

Unless a court and he can prove you an unfit mother there is nothing he can do to take the baby from you. I would not worry about that. Do you know what the sexof the baby is yet? I would really try and keep things verypleasant for him and the kids when he visits and let him see that visitation is in the picture.If he sees that he can have visitation with the kids and things are civil between the two of you for sake of the children I do not see any problems in thefuture. I would doubt that he would want the responsibility f the baby fulltime...they never do....responsibility was probably one of the reasons he left if you really look at it so there is no way he would want to take that on. Iam sure that you are a good mother and he knows it and would want the children there with you but just be able to have visitation.
Sometimes it works out without having the courts intervene but at the first sign of trouble I would file a parenting plan with the courts...get it in writing exactly what his role will be and his rights right now as they are very little. My daughter tried to doit with out a parenting plan and ran into problems....especially when he got with another woman and she became possesive with the kids...but her ex-husband has the boys and she is the one trying to get visitation.She was intimidated by him when she divorced him and signed a parenting plan without reading it which said that he got to keep the boys with him...I KNOW...dumb...because she would have never lost them in the divorce....she was really depressed and was not thinking straight and she has paid for it.
I say play it by ear...L.

C.,

I would have another family member supervise the visit. If it's in the hospital (I don't recommend) I would talk to the nurses and doctors about the situation. If it's at home I'd still have at least one other family member there to supervise.

Since he hasn't been around at all for 7 months I'd also be suspicious as to *WHY* he wants to reappear now. I don't know your situation, but I'm a little suspicious by nature.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I haven't read all of the second post. You do need to talk with a lawyer. It is best to have custody papers giving you full custody before any visits occurr. Because your ex has equal rights to the baby with you. Actually he has legal rights to both children.

If you do not have custody papers filed with the court and wish not to do that then take some precautions for the visit. First it is reasonable for you to set a date several weeks after delivery. Then at the time of the visit have a friend or two present in the house. They don't have to be visible. They're there to help you if you need them.

If you have an amicable relationship then filing custody papers is still needed for all of your sakes. Filing doesn't need to ruin the relationship. There is a lawyers office on Glisan close to the 60th st exit from I-84 that has a sign saying that they provide mediation and friendly divorces. You might check with them. If you can't afford an attorney check with Legal Aid. I know that there is usually a waiting list but perhaps you can get advice to get you started.

If you and your ex are able to talk without arguing how about telling him of your concerns? sometimes that relieves some of the tension.

I had a foster child who was ordered by the court to visit an aunt and uncle in their home. They had custody of her brother and were open about stating they wanted custody of her. We had visits but I was always present in the same room not only because they might keep her but also because I was concerned about what they would tell her. I'd already had experience with her mother telling her lies. I eventually adopted this child. Once I had legal custody of her I wasn't as concerned because the court would arrange for her return.

Agreements did to be writtin down and filed with the court. If you have a court order giving you full custody the father will have comitted the crime of kidnap if he were to take his own child.

The only way that you can know if any of the legal advice you get here is accurate is thru talking with an attorney. Perhaps you're just wanting logistical advice because you already have a custody agreement filed with the court. I hope that is the case.

If there isn't parenting time in the agreement you don't have to let your visit at all. I do think in most circumstances it's better for the child if you do. The advantage you have in this case is you can name the date, time, location. Do that when it's most convenient for you, considering your health issues. You can even require that he visit with his older child before he can visit with the baby. I think this is important to do because the older child will feel left out at the visit including the baby. Babies always get the most attention.

You can arrange the visit with the older child to be done at another relative's or friend's house. You can even ask that it be supervised by a professional person. Long ago Waverly Children's home provided space and a supervisor for such visits. There are also private people who will do this.

I hope that you can get this worked out so that you have as little stress as possible. Giving birth and then finding a workable routine with a newborn is as much stress as you should have. Perhaps it could help for your doctor to prescibe a period of time during which it's best for him not to visit? I don't know if that would help. Again, the advice of an attorney would be helpful