My husband and I have been married for 2 yrs, and before married we were friends, then roommates and then became romantically involved. So we pretty much new who has stinky feet and bad breath in the morning and those sort of things. (this is just a background) We both come from a recovery background, so we have already emotional issues, and my husband comes from 3 marriages before me, and I come from a broken home and abusive relationships. So needless to say we are complicated in so many ways. After like 6 months of marriage things starting to change, I feel that my husband started to change, we had a baby on the way, he is much older than I am, we lost the financial security of owning a home, him having a lot of trouble with his sister. Suddenly I became the suspect of everything... things that were petty or on the other hand details that he loved so much from me, like being attentive, worrying for him, everything started becoming negative, or I had an agenda, or he would put me in an evil character within seconds and even see hatred in his eyes, also speaking to me and treating me like that. Then everything I did was wrong, and he felt the need to correct me, lecture me, mock me... But I swear that if you could hear him, he would be talking about his sister or his first wife. At the beginning I took it in stride, because i knew how difficult things were and him being the provider and all that, but instead of seeing that as a loyalty, or kindness, he took it as either being careless, non-cooperative and guilt... Needless to say things have come downhill, I stop trusting him, and I ran out of patience, self control, self respect, I started doubting myself so much... and his anger started escalating, his outbursts... So I started "leaving" him, it feels unbearable, and really he drives me into fear so bad that I come out clawing. The thing is that he used to see his side of our problems, and for a while now he is completely blind, things that were important to him, morally, spiritually, its like he totally is against them, or never agreed on them. Its really really scary, I feel like i get the rug pulled under me every time... then i get scared, i get agressive, we are both aggressive, we have a huge blow out, and its happening almost everyday. I love him with all my heart, but his unfounded suspicions about me and my intentions, and the fact that i feel if I accept my side of the blame, he would just wash his hands and say, " "see she is the one" (he's done it in the past) and then I end up being the doormat. Now I am more reactive to him, I have no patience, im also battling a lot of resentments, I feel unsafe in all kind of ways, so vulnerable, and I do go into panic mode (no kidding, I hear him coming and I want to hide, and my heart starts racing and i start having this rush of adrenaline ready for battle) so our day are split between his anger and my fear and resentments (it just seems that he hurts me a lot faster than I can forgive him)
How do we move from here? I really really love him, thats why i cant never leave him, but i cant seem to trust him again or love him more than I fear him. He doesnt seem to trust me, and no kidding its like EVERYTHING I do or say, gets turned against me. I honestly dont think he loves me anymore...and I have thought this for a year now... He's said he want our relationship to change, which ive found out it means, im the one at fault and I need to change, or sometimes in sessions i see the spark of the man that I married but then its gone later on the day or the next day, he just changes his mind back and forth... Please please please, can we be helped? how do we start?
You are each physically aggressive. It sounds dangerous to remain together in the home, and the place to start is contacting a women's sheler for information on the safest way to separate.
I think you need to get to counseling and while you are in counseling, you should be separated. This man is worse than damaged goods. You must protect yourself.
I know that you have issues too. But come on Jae, 3 marriages before you? Why would you marry someone who is so damaged when you have been in an abusive situation before?
You certainly need to figure out how to keep from ending up in abusive relationships. If you don't work on that, you are destined to continue being in them. This man will NOT learn to love you if you stay together, so separate and work on the marriage that way. Maybe he will learn to miss you.
Good luck,
Dawn
You said you are both in recovery. Is it possible that he has relapsed?
Individual counseling and separation until you are both at a point that you feel "whole". Only then can you begin to build a relationship as a couple.
Without trust and in the presence of fear, there is no genuine love nor is there respect.
As a clinician, it sounds as though your husband has significant mental health issues, most likely Bipolar Disorder. This would explain the behavioral changes, mood fluctuations and most significantly the artifacts of 4 broken marriages. These are all "hallmark" characteristics of an adult with Bipolar.
I do not think that this marriage can be "fixed" without substantial work on you individually.
This phrase really stuck out from your post ", I feel unsafe in all kind of ways". Red, red flag that you should be at least in therapy. If he doesn't want to go, I would suggest you go and talk to someone so you can get some outside perspective. Best of luck and big hugs.
Find a women's shelter and go there. He is not in his right mind. You can not fix him. You can not fix this relationship because you can't fix him and he doesn't see that he needs to work on himself. That's probably been the problem all along. People like this have a fear of being alone but at the same time drive people away with accusations. Gather up the documents you need, like birth certificate and health insurance, etc. Anything you leave behind, count it gone. Don't tell him you are leaving just go. Look up his symptoms on BPDfamily.com
What you describe is not love. Your own words say it all "but i cant seem to trust him again or love him more than I fear him."
Love doesn't feel that way. I suspect your past of abusive relationships is effecting your definition of true love. If you are truly scared of him then you are not safe with him. Don't ignore what you already know.
I am not a doctor, but it sounds like he's using drugs. Paranoia, change in personality/attitude, change of habits, loss of interest in family, friends, oversensitive, sudden outbursts, temper tantrums, etc.
I think you need to separate. I wouldn't put up with this. Good luck to you.
"I can't never leave him".
(Freudian slip there on your part- a double negative cancels it self out.)
Oh yes - you can.
You are both broken people and have stepped into past roles which will continue the pattern.
Behaving as you have in the past and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
You have a child now.
You must rise about all this for the baby's sake - because he/she will learn what is 'normal' from you and observing your relationships.
In order to beat this - you and Hubby both need some time apart to grow and to heal.
You both need some self respect (it does not come from others) and you need to know what you need from and have to offer into a relationship.
Your anger and resentment indicate you are not getting what you need.
He's not married to his sister - that's a whole issue right there and some therapy might help him figure this out.
Once you both are whole healed unbroken people - THEN you have to see if you are right for each other.
It may be that you are - or it may be that you are not.
If you want to break the cycle - you have got to do something different and go in a different direction.
It's not easy, but it's the only way to a different and perhaps happier life.
This is the time for both of you to work on yourselves... And then as a couple.
My father was like this for most of his life.
He is product of his childhood. He witnessed poor behaviors, disrespect and hostility in his parents marriage, so he never learned what a good marriage looks like and what it takes.
Does he say he love you? Do you love him?
Do the two of you want this marriage to work?
It can be done, but like recovery, it is a lot of work..
We cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.
At a quiet moment, speak to each other. Explain your feelings to him and your concerns... IF you love him, tell him. What you do not love is his behaviors.
Are you happy with yourself? If yes..then great, if not, how are you going to begin working n yourself?
Children make us want to be the best we can be. We want them surrounded by love.we want them to know what happiness is. They thrive with stability and with schedules... We do our best to make this happen. Children deserve the best efforts we can provide.
You both came into this with a lot of baggage and you both sound paranoid, which may be understandable considering your previous experiences. I would argue that you both need therapy at least, maybe even a mental health evaluation.
I don't think there are any easy fixes for you. You need to get professional help.
If he doesn't want to go, you should go by yourself.
Good luck
You feel unsafe ----- LEAVE. Find a domestic violence shelter, call and get some advice and pack up and leave.
Get into counseling and heal yourself so you can have the kind of life where you are happy and safe. You have a child to care for -- do that. Take care of your child and yourself.
To me, love and trust go hand in hand. How can you love someone you don't trust? How can you love someone when you always feel unsafe around them? How can you love someone who makes you scared?
This is not love. It kind of sounds like you just say you love him because you fear him. Why would you want yourself and your child living like that. I say get the hell out.
Two broken parts together will not make something work. You are each broken and you tried to get married and make it work. It can't work till you're both fixed. Individual counseling will help fix each of you.
Now if he does not realize there is anything wrong with him, he will not do counseling, thus he will not get fixed. Now you still would have 1 broken part, thus - it will not work.
The aggression, anger etc. are personality characteristics that he has to learn to control. There must be a reason he has been divorced 3 times before you. You can't live with someone like that. It's not safe for you or your child. Plus, your child will grow up thinking that is normal and end up marrying someone like that.
I know you love him but you don't love his anger, betrayal, distrust and blaming of you. Our therapist gave this example - a fish and a bird could love each other but the relationship could never work. The bird can't live in the water and the fish on land. So they could love each other to the moon - but it's never going to work.
So, to answer your question - "Can we be helped"? Only if both of you want to! Intense counseling is the ONLY way. There is nothing else. You can't change him. You can leave, but he will get you back and will start up again. He is broken and needs to be fixed. You can't fix him. He is the only one who can take the steps to fix himself. It's hard work!! Good luck
counseling for sure...but are you sure he's not using drugs??
bottom line stand up for yourself and your child. YOU BOTH deserve better than this. either the behavior stops or you remove yourself and your child. i'm not saying don't do everything humanly possible to HELP him - and be up front with him that if he doesn't stop this behavior he will lose his family. if he is willing to work hard and make things better there can be a chance. but it sounds to me like there are some MAJOR issues going on. you don't mention if either of you has seen someone regarding your past issues - if you haven't, the deck is MAJORLY stacked against you.
this will require action on your part. either helping him through this (counseling, etc) or leaving. fixing it will require HUGE effort on his part. most people aren't willing to do that. i hope you can get to a better place, regardless of where it is. ((hugs))
Change ur life dear, more than u ur baby will suffer in future. U don't want that kind of life right... Be brave n good luck...
I never encourage divorce but it seems this is unsafe for you and the baby. I would think you both need time to get help for yourselves. 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible is called the 'love chapter'. It describes real love, not physical love, but love. It's below.
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I don't see any of this is your relationship and it has to be there for it to work and have a decent respect for each other.
I think you should separate and get help soon before the baby has to deal with this terror too.
i agree that you're too broken for eachother. you found someone with similar flaws which I think is bad, ecpseically with this sittuation. there is no balance. you do not pull eachother back from mistakes instead you set eachother off.
you need to get out and heal by youself and when you're ready to date find a man who has the characteristics of what you want your child to grow up to be/marry
You say you want to hide from him and your heart starts racing with fear when he comes and then you say you love him. No this is not love. Love should not make you feel the way you do now.
