My Mother Is Still Enabling My sister.......It Makes Us Argue as a Family

Welcome to Mamapedia! Excellent first question.

This likely isn't the answer you want, but that's THEIR relationship. You can't fix other people, only yourself.

Okay, I hate to say this, but you are going to have to "get over it". It sounds to me that the relationship is something that they like - your sister wants help (or to be lazy) and your mom is willing to support that.

You've already made the decision to limit your exposure to your sister so I think you should focus more effort on your parents and increasing/maintainint/keeping what YOU have with your Mom (and Dad?). Invite them over. Take them out to dinner. Go on vacations with them. Be a family together. SHOW them how much you WANT (not need) them to be involved in your life and with your family and don't lament what you are not getting. You state you don't really need her help anyway so try changing your focus a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong - the relationship sounds bad to me too, but ultimately we are outsiders looking in on this and it is not our place to judge. (But, as a side note, if you engage your Mom more, she will have less time to spend with your sister, hehehehe.)

Also, as far as the niece goes, if she is being lazy in "her" home (i.e. at your Mom's place or whereever your sister is currently living) then so be it. Again, another case of having to let it go; however, if she is being rude/lazy/etc. in YOUR house, then you should correct those actions immediately - i.e. "In our house everyone clears their plate and we apprecite it if you do so as well" type of thing. Hopefully your positive influences will have an impact. If not, again, nothing you can do.

Family drama sucks but it is up to you if it continues to be drama.
I wish you luck.
~C.

You can't do anything about your mother. But you can do something about yourself. Hold your head up, and be proud of yourself, for not being in the same position as your sister is in. Your mother spends more time with her, because she "needs" her. You do not "need" your mother, since you seem to have it together. That is why your mom acts that way, it also gives her something to do. So don't waste your thoughts on this, even though I know it's hard not to. Just concentrate on your family and making it the best you can. And have your friends over for dinner. They sometimes make the best family, because you get to choose them.

http://biblelight.net/binding.htm

I'm sorry, I am usually not this preachy, but...having siblings who have not made the very best choices in life, and a Mother who embraces them still....

"If a man has a hundred sheep, and one has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the moutains to seek the one which has gone astray?

And if he finds it, he rejoices more of THAT sheep than of the ninety nine which have NOT gone astray.

It is not the will of the father (or mother) that any little one should perish. Nor is it the will of The Father in Heaven."

(Matthew 18:11)

I decided to write this when I read the "she is clean last 8 years" part.

A Mom does what a Mom's gotta do to help her children. It is not a competition.

Really, you are lucky to have a Mom who helps the one who needs it the most. What if it had been you?

:)

Look at it this way, once your mother passes away, your sister will have to step up and be an adult which will be a rude awakening for her. At least you can call yourself an "adult" because you pay your own bills and live in your own place, your sister still lives with her mother. If I had to choose whose life I would rather have yours or your sister's--I'd pick yours in a heartbeat.

Enough said.

The answer isn't one you are going to like. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!! You CAN'T make your Mom change her ways. She has allowed your sister to be dependent on her and the sister won't lose her easy ride. HAH she's got it made, why would she? Obviously she doesn't have any type of work ethic or even morals to do so.

The saddest thing is what she's teaching her daughter.

What's she going to do when your mom gets sick/passes and she loses her free ride?

Sorry!! I've seen it in my own family, and it hurts to see. Unless one of them changes, they will just continue...you can't make either one change.
Not fair to you, but at least you can take pride in yourself and the example you set for your kids.

Your sister sounds a lot like my daughter, but I am NOT like your mother. I do not cater to her. She is over 30 years old and won't work. Her problem. She can't feed her kids, I will feed them, but not her. The kids are always welcome.

There is really nothing you can do but wait. I hate to say this, but your mom won't be around forever. Once mom is gone, sis will be on her own and then you can kick back and snicker a bit while you watch her struggle. And when she asks you for help, just tell her like I tell my daughter. I gave you advice for years on how to improve your situation. You refused to take the advice because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Now you've dug yourself a hole that I don't know how you're going to get out of because I've never been in that situation and you wouldn't be either if you had ever listened to me. Now you're on your own.

From what you describe, yes, I do believe your mother is enabling your sister.
However, that is your Mothers choice. Arguing with an adult woman about what another adult woman is doing......... well, you are trying to control a situation that you obviously cannot. Let it go!

My two cents.....

Live your life the way you know to be healthy. Your Mother and sister have their own path and will have to learn their own lessons. Stop criticizing your mother for her choices. Try and accept your sister for who she is. Continue to be a healthy role model for her children.

I feel for you, this is tough. Mine will be more of a 'misery loves company' kind of answer that hopefully makes you at least realize you are not alone. My BIL and his family are completely dependent on my in-laws, and my MIL loves this. She is totally raising their kids, and has helped them out in every way possible. They, like your sister, take full advantage and have lost the need or desire to take pride in hard work.

We beat our heads against the wall to convince MIL that she wasn't doing them any favors. That BIL continues to be a loser, in small part due to the fact that she keeps him from doing anything that he might be proud of himself. And that what will happen when MIL and FIL are gone, he will be unable to care for himself (or unwilling). They just don't get it. For MIL, I've realized her entire identity is based on being needed, so in a way, she is being selfish and doing things because it makes her feel useful and good. We give up. We distanced ourselves as well, because we don't want our daughter around this, and it's just disgusting to watch. We know one day they will have to face facts and be on their own, because we will not be enabling them. This is a big struggle in our family as well.

You can express your feelings to your mother, specifically that you wish she would visit you and your family more often, and that it hurts that they are not able to. But as others said, you can't do anything about this. They sound pretty entrenched in this pattern, and it will be up to them to break.

Keep the distance you need, but don't sever ties just based on this. Decide what kind of relationship you want with your parents, and also with your sister and niece. Base it on what YOU want, not based on your frustration. Keep good boundaries and accept the relationship you have, not the one you think you should have. Good luck.

Hey Z.,

I'm with the people who tell you to find your own bliss, stop comparing situations and let this be 'their' thing.

I've been there/done that with another family member. The disparity wasn't quite as glaring as yours, but another sibling and I have been pretty thunderstruck at times at what our parents did to help the other 'less capable' sibling. We've *never* received that much stinking support, monetarily or otherwise, from our folks.

My husband had a nice thing to say about it: "Don't worry babe, you're the ones that got away."

It's true. There's something pretty great about not having to depend on one's parents as an adult. You sound like a self-made person. You can choose to get the ulcer on this one, letting it gnaw away at you, or you can choose to be happy that *you* aren't stuck in their mire too. Your kids will be better off. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt or seem patently unfair, but that's not for you to fix.

For what it's worth, you also don't need to fix the relationship between your mom and your children, either. As they grow, they might notice the differences in how Grandma treats them and how she treats your niece. That's on her to make right, should the time come.

Lastly, yes, your mom may be an enabler, but that's what she wants to do and that's what she's going to do. Sad that it is this way, but you can't change what anyone else is going to think or do. You can only change how you decide to respond.

First off hi, what a whopper

Secondly, I am sad and worried about the way you write this, I notice you never call your sisters KID your Niece. I never see you reaching a hand out to them, and I never hear or read of how you do anything to interact with her, other than once a year. Where your disgust for your own flesh and blood probably seethes out and she knows it.

Did it occur to you, that maybe your sister fried her brain on those drugs and alcohol back 8 years ago, and really cant take care of herself? So if she cant, the your sisters KID has no one else, but grandma. Should your sister be more responsible? yes. Should your sister's kid have lunch money from her mother and go on vacations with her mother? yep.

Maybe your mother LIKES to take care of her. She doesnt WANT to not do it. She sees you as the good boy and has a career, a great family, house and money. SHE IS OK with NOT having to baby and care for you. Have you invited your sister or mom to your home more? or do you expect them to just miraculously appear on your doorstep. THEY KNOW you dont like their situation, why would they want to subject themselves to your constant disapproval. Just as you hate what they do and it makes you sick. In these cases its best to stay away from each other. These are someone else's lives. Let them live it. If your jealous, its ok to be so, its not ok to interfere and tell them how to be. Your way of life is not theirs.

My mother doted on my sisters, and she put up with my brothers idiocy for years. She took all they dealt her, and would have given more if my father didnt stop her. Me? I had it together, I was "normal". So she didnt bother with me. I didnt have kids, at the time, and I didnt get into trouble. I was always overlooked. HELL I felt jealously big time. I distanced myself from that as best I could, and when my mother passed away. My siblings matured into wonderful people. I enjoy them now. Well at least 2 of them. One has a lot left to be desired. My sisters were in their Late 30's and my brother in is early 30's when she passed. It was a LONG time to take to mature properly IMO. Am I resentful of my time taken from me with my mother? A little, and then I realized that I had grown up like I should have and I was glad that I didn't jeopardize what relations I have with my siblings now, by going and messing around in theirs at that time. I cant tell you HOW many times they took advantage of me as well as my parents during this, but I got to know each of my niece's and nephews on such a close and loving level, that I will never regret that.

Sounds like your niece needs you as well, but it doesnt sound like your the ideal Uncle.

I feel your pain...I don't have just one sister like this but multiple siblings like this.

It hurts when they bend over backwards to help them go out of their way for them, lie to you about how much they are really doing/giving them..."because they need it and you don't".

When you do make the mistake of asking them helping you out...even something small like watch your child for a couple of hours...and they can't do it, EVER...but they can become guardians for other grandchildren so they are not put in foster care and keep them 24/7 for months on end.

Yeah, I get it...your mom will not change, and the people on here have never had to try and live with the sociopath it sounds like your sister is...and has turned her daughter to follow in her footsteps.

Try and let it go...I know it is hard, I walk in your shoes and it is hard for me sometimes too. I am sending you a big hug from one "normal" sibling to another!!

Z.,

I could have written this. I will tell you that you just have to let it go. It will not change. The way I deal with it is I just don't get involved with my mother at all. I treat her more like a neighbor or any other person that I would be nice to but not get involved in their day to day life. I don't want to know what is going on at her house, yes she buys cars, pays for everything for my sister and sisters kids but there is always a price to be paid for the things she does. I have learned that my siblings and I are the lucky ones who learned and were able to do in on our own. Unfortunately you probably have to explain to your kids, as I did, that Grandma just doesn't see what she's doing. You can protect them from it by simply not being involved. I know it seems like it is a little mean but it is your and your families life and your mom is making her choice.

Frankly, this is how it appears to me:

You sister might be clean for the last 8 years, but she's obviously not involved in any form of recovery or she would make sure she is fulfilling her obligations and responsibilities to the best of her ability.

Yes--your mother sounds like a classic enabler. In a perfect world she would attend a family program at a rehab facility and realize all of the things she is doing.

Your sister doesn't HAVE to actively recover, because your mom makes it easy for her NOT to.
And your mom continues to enable because it's what she knows and she might just like it this way.

Dad on Purpose summed it up: You can't change them or their relationship.

But that doesn't mean you can't call bulls&$t "bullsh&$t" when it applies.

It sounds like your mom is enjoying having her baby to look after. Parents hate letting go and it must be lovely for your mom to feel needed by her child. Unfortunately she's not doing your sister any favours. I would talk to my mom and take the approach that your mom is not going to be around forever and if she keeps doing everything and not allowing your sister to do things for herself then when your moms gone, your sister will not know how to survive.
I have a sister who is a total waste of space as well. I do not speak to her because of how she has taken advantage of my dad and not taken responsibility for her own life. So I can totally relate.
Good luck. I would say that if you talk to your mom and don't get anywhere, just let it go. Be proud that you turned out so well and pity your sister. Dont let it get in the way of your relationship with your mom. She's your mom and she just loves her child and is doing what she thinks is best. Good luck.

Yes, your mom is an enabler, but maybe she's doing it more for herself than your sister. Maybe she feels like she's making up for something by continuing to support her in every way.

It's understandable to be jealous, and having the parents I have, I'll never understand how a parent can say that their 42yo adult daughter "can't" take care of herself or work a full-time job.

In your situation, I seriously doubt anything is going to change even if you talk to your mom about how you're feeling (the jealousy as well as the enabling), but you have to ask yourself if your well-being is worth the avoidance of the issue. If you talk to your mom, and she responds differently than what you'd like or need, you may end up resenting more than you do. If you don't talk to your mom, will your resentment grow anyway?

Another side is to talk to your sister. After all, she's a 42yo ADULT who needs to realize that your mom and her money aren't going to be around forever. She's taking advantage of your mom's generosity (or need, whatever your mom feels it is). I know if it were my sister, I'd be all over her, and it would've been 20 years ago! (but that's me LOL)

I would stay out of the relationship your mother has with your sister. If it is fair or not it's your mothers choice. What I would focus on is your and your children's relationship with your mother. It sounds like you feel she is dismissing your children's importance or at least your request to spend time with them.
I would tell my mother "I feel like you don't think my family is important enough to spend time with" make sure you keep it "I" statements and don't even bring up your sister ... She will just get defensive.

Good luck

It sounds like your mom and sis are co-dependent on each other.
I doubt you can change it.
Be proud that you earn your own money and do things on your own and dont have to be dependent on anyone, it's very liberating.
Don't be jealous or envious. Your mom is a full grown woman as is your sister, if they wanted to change the dynamic of their relationship they would.