My Once Happy Son Is Saying Things That Are Not Ok..

I see you mention he has a therapist, that is great. Maybe think about having some family sessions with someone as well. I don't know why you were gone for 90 days, but if it was for an addiction or illness there may be support groups that can help. Al-anon is for the families of addicts, if it was some other issue there may be groups for family support as well.

You left him for 3 months which is a long time. Now that you are back he doesn't know if you are going to leave again so he's not comfortable and can't deal with this. You came back thinking you'd be walking into the same household with you in a better place but that's not how it works.

You both need therapy so that you both can communicate that yes there was a problem and I needed help so I left. I put you with someone who would love, value, and protect you. Now that I'm back I promise to try to be the person who will love, value and protect you.

Spanking isn't the answer. You need to show him compassion and grace. Take time every single day to spend time playing or doing something just with him. You can cook together or work on a project of some sort. This won't fix itself overnight since the problems you had didn't appear overnight. Please reach out to cps and treat them as partners in helping you instead of bad people. My youngest is a therapist and I can assure you that they have resources there to help you. They don't want to take your child away. They want to give you the tools you need to raise him into a productive man.

You are not done with treatment: now it's the family's turn to deal with whatever issue you needed treatment for, and your turn to use the tools you learned to manage your issue in everyday life.

Contact the treatment agency you were at and tell them you need continued support, or have them refer you to a place closer that would provide this.

Tell your CPS worker you need family therapy and more support

poor little fellow. nothing in his world is safe. mom disappeared, then came back with another human for him to adjust too, and he has no assurances that mom won't just disappear again, and what will now happen to him AND a baby?

i suggest that instead of trying to think of ways to *control* him you look for ways to reassure him. i'm sad for him that spanking is even on the table. i'm glad the threat of CPS (who called them and why??????) means he won't get hit for acting out in his terrible fear and insecurity, but that's cold comfort.

since he was doing better with his dad, maybe that's the solution. does his father have a secure situation, where your son would feel safe? i'm a little surprised that you were sent home with a new baby and just had your other child plopped back on you. do you have ongoing support, and does your son have a therapist?

sounds to me as if he's thrashing around desperately, unconsolably terrified. being mouthy and not turning in his homework are symptoms of a deep underlying lack of confidence in his world, they're not problems in and of themselves.

put him first. either send him to live with his dad, if that's what's best for him, or dig in and put in the time to make him feel safe and confident that his world isn't going to be constantly upended. and that won't happen just because you say so. you have to demonstrate it over the long term.

i'm glad that you went into a program. i hope you're committed to staying out of whatever got you in there. i hope your children come first and foremost in your life now. but when you wreck that, you don't get it back easily. if you really want to be a good mother to your children, keep your eye on the long term, and don't get distracted by short-term issues that YOU have caused, and don't go for awful short-term fixes like spanking.

make your children safe.
khairete
S.

I don't know why you were gone for 90 days but I think your son is dealing with abandonment issues.
(How old is he?)
He wants you to love him no matter what - even if he's a complete stinker.
Spanking isn't going to help with this and it's certainly not going to make things more positive.
Therapist might not be enough - a psychiatrist might be better.

You still need boundaries and you reward good behavior and you don't reward bad behavior.
How was he when he was staying with his Dad?

I commend you for getting help. But I can imagine what he felt when you left him. There is a lot of hurt and anger behind that. Also, he was in a stable home with his father. Again, not judging, but if you needed treatment for 90 days, he probably wasn't in that stable of an environment when he was with you before. Upon your return, he was removed from that. A lot of hurt and anger can go along with that. I don't want to come off judgy here. I think you did the right thing, and in time as Danny get's older, he will realize you did the right thing. But he is just a kid and kids are irrational in their thinking. I think you should get counseling with your son. I think his father should be involved in his treatment. I think you should continue to see help so your problems do not resurface. And as hard as this might be to hear, Danny may need to go back to his father until you are more stable. I would start by contacting your rehab facility to see what outreach programs they recommend.

The therapist says he is looking for attention, and this makes sense since you were away. I have a fairly simple idea that several friends used when their kids acted out for attention. Have a weekly one-on-one date every week with your son. Let him know when it is and don't let anything interfere so he can count on it. It doesn't have to cost money. Set time aside to spend just with him. Maybe you pack a picnic lunch and go to a park, maybe you go on a short hike together, maybe you go out to breakfast, maybe you go out to dinner. Whatever you do, tell him that you are setting aside every Thursday from 6-8PM (or whatever day/time) just for him, to do something together.

I know you are looking for tips on controlling poor behavior, but that will work a lot better once you re-establish a real relationship with him by spending time with him and making him feel valued.

Good luck.

He desperately needs some mama-son one on one time without the baby. It's really hard on him that you were gone so long. AND you came back with a tiny baby that is taking up your time. You don't say how old he is. Stay calm and calmly enforce the rules and consequences (such as going to his room) when he is particularly bad. After things have calmed down go give him a hug and talk about it quickly saying the right way to behave. Plan snuggle time daily (without the baby). He needs to feel special to you again. Plan a mom-son date night once a week. Go out to eat. Listen to what he has to say. Work on rewarding and praising good behavior every day. Plan on doing something with him that he LOVES each day. So if he loves a video game have him teach you how to do it. Play it with him. If he loves monopoly play that. Play UNO. Whatever. He needs some bonding. Just my opinion. My son had a hard time when his sister was born. He has a difficult strong-willed personality and we struggled but we have come out strong...he is 11 now and things are going wonderfully. He loves to make me laugh. I try to play something with him every day. I seriously think it helps immensely with bonding with your child. Right now he's into badminton in the backyard or teaching me how to animate on the computer. I hate video games but I have sucked it up and let him teach me many.

I don't have your situation but when I became ill my kids went through a lot. I was not able to care for them for a long time. One acted out like yours is. Patience, understanding, get him talking - understand where it's coming from (through working with therapist too) so you can address the underlying issues. If it's fear of abandonment, work with therapist so he can trust you, etc. My kids were scared. He likely is too. New baby is a big adjustment too. One on one time with kids helped in our situation. Routine too - kids like knowing what's what especially in times of uncertainty. Same with rules. Just be loving but firm.
Moms have great advice below. Ask for help. Good luck :)

My first thought is he is angry that his mom disappeared - and this is just a reaction to that - so my suggestion would be to really WORK HARD on your relationship with him. Spend lots of one-on-one time with him. Do something he likes, like take him for ice cream. Take him to lunch at his favorite place. It may take time and lots of repetition but once he sees you care, you can start talking to him about how nice it is to spend time with him, how much you missed him, etc. He really probably doesn't have a very clear picture of WHY this all had to happen. He will given time. But you have to hang in there. Giving up or losing your temper will just make it ten times harder. Good luck! I have a 9 year old with some issues of his own and I know how hard it can be. Just have faith that your sweet boy is in there somewhere and keep working with him till you find it again - and once he does show positive behavior, praise, praise, praise. Make it worth his while to be sweet, and the more it happens, the easier it will get. Just my .02. Hang in there!

How old is the the boy? How old is your other child? It's really hard to give proper advice when we don't know the age...