I’m feeling very confused about my sister and some changes I’ve noticed in her. I wanted to get outside opinions.
My sister and I have always been very close. We get together often with the kids and go to every birthday party, play, competition, concerts, etc. that the kids have.
All our kids had always done well in school = honor classes, straight A’s, etc. My sister and I would always tell each other about our kid’s accomplishments with school, sports, whatever.
Last year when I congratulated my niece’s on their awesome report cards, they both looked at me confused and told me they were failing classes and had to drop honor classes. Rather then saying anything to my sister since she told me they got all A’s again, I never mentioned it but I stopped talking about my daughter and her grades, etc. We just don’t talk about our kids anymore in that sense.
For the last year now a lot has changed with out relationship. She stopped coming to anything to do with my kids including birthdays. All of a sudden, she is always “busy”. We’ve never missed a concert or play or whatever that our kids have. I’ve always gone to see her kids perform but this past year she missed all my daughter’s concerts, not to mention her Winter concert.
Anyway…..My daughter has a ceremony coming up at the end of this month. It’s huge and she will be receiving a very impressive award. My daughter has worked very hard to achieve it for the past 6 years and after we are going to have a surprise party for her. I told my sister about it on Thanksgiving.
This past Monday I left her a message saying the party will start at 6pm. She responded by email saying they couldn’t come because they were going out to dinner to celebrate her neighbor’s birthday. I emailed her back saying that we’ve been talking about this since Thanksgiving and it’s a very important day. She came back saying she knows she promised me but she couldn’t make her neighbor’s bday last year and doesn’t want to tell her No again.
When I told my husband he just said “why am I not surprised? They don’t come to anything to do with our daughter anymore! We go to everything to do with their kids” He was really mad only because he knows how sad our daughter will be that her cousins will not be there.
From what I’ve told you why do you think she is doing this? I’m so hurt that she is not coming!
She probably has problems.... which you do not know about.
Who knows what kind of problems... but some people, when they are having problems/personal or family or kids or marital problems... they pull away from everyone.
Don't take it personally... because you do not know, what is going on with her....
Outsider looking in: her life is not as swell as she wants everyone to think it is.
She's avoiding family functions because it's easier to hide than be truthful. We never want our families to know when we are hitting rough patches in our life.
Just my take on it.
Wow. This takes me back about 40 years when my kids were little. My sister-in-law's kids were angels and smart to boot. Mine were just naughty. It began to get competitive when the kids were about 8 or 9. We did pull back from each other for a few years but became close again later in life. Don't push on the award celebrations, and please don't talk about your child's achievements when you are together. Talk like sisters again--remember, guys, fashion, hair, recipes, world peace, etc. It will do your relationship a lot of good.
I think Carol G. got it spot on.
You've been so close, so how could you not feel sad and confused about the old pattern falling apart. I'm so sorry. But I'll bet there are changes going on in your sister's family, perhaps conflicts or worries that are affecting her kids' school performance, and she's dealing with confusion, anger and possibly shame. From a place like that, it's pretty hard to feel joyful for others, especially a sister whose kids are doing so well.
If you think compassionate communication might be helpful, you might even tell your sister gently that you feel feel sad and confused, and are missing her tremendously. Then just leave open space. She may be able to tell you what's happening. Even if she can't, she'll know you care and are not defaulting to anger. (Please avoid saying "I feel hurt," because that implies your sister is at fault for doing something hurtful. But do say "I feel sad / worried / confused, and I miss you." That conveys care.)
I hope your daughter's ceremony is lovely and affirming.
Personally I would ask her whats up and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Shes your sister, if you cant talk to her, who can you talk to. My advice, just be open and honest that its really hurting you and your kids and you would like an explanation. I mean, I wouldnt come at it like an attack, just that you are concerned and upset and you want to know whats going on.
Maybe she is really upset that her kids are doing so poorly in school and it only rubs it in more to see your kids doing so well? Maybe the award is something that put her over the top-- is she depressed? Has she ever been competitive with you? I think the fact that she said they had straight A's again and you found out the truth from the kids, makes it seem like she's threatened by you or feels that way at least. I would ask her to meet for coffee/tea and ask her whats up with her? Maybe she is having marriage problems and it has nothing to do with you? Could be so many things, I would have a heart to heart and tell her how you feel. Good luck!
M
Gosh...maybe insecurity? I don't think it's because you've done anything wrong. How is her marriage or relationship with the kids dad? If she's struggling with depression or high stress, maybe it's difficult to be around her sister who is doing so well?
The only thing I can think of is that something is definitely up but have no clue what. It could be related to whose kids are excelling and why and what that means to her as a mama. It could be related to something else. It sounds like you two have been close historically...would she respond well if you two went out alone and you described your experience and asked her everything you asked this forum?
Without talking to her, it's just speculation and a whole world of things it 'could' be about. Maybe she is going through some stresses and it's manifesting in an odd way in relation to the kids?
Best wishes:)
She doesn't feel she fit's the bill anymore. You do not even have to say anything or do anything for her to just start feeling insecure about her kids. I know you feel hurt, but continue being there for your nieces, support them and celebrate the occasions that your children have with YOUR family. She may come around in time, but for now she needs to see that you have a life outside of HER wanting to come. The fact that you invite her to these special events is (1) a reminder her kids are not doing as well (2) jealousy (3) possibly using your request as a way to "get to you" (4) feeling like she no longer meets your approval and may not feel comfortable anymore. I truly believe it's a comparison thing, so don't sweat it, and I know you are hurt, but give her time to get over it...It's not you. You cannot help the way your kids are. Be proud of them, and let them see that you and your husband are extremely happy about their accomplishments. You never know, but maybe the kids said something to each other without you parents knowing and it upset her and she is not addressing the issue. Just continue inviting her and expecting her not to come, but going about your business and doing what you know you have to do for your child.
This sucks... she's backing out b/c her kids are failing and yours aren't. Bottom line- there is probably something major going on within her family and she doesn't want to share it with you. Is her marriage in trouble? An affair? Something happened that resulted in her kids bombing out in school and for her behavior to change like that.
I would suggest having a really open and honest conversation with her about it. Tell her that you are hurt by the change in her behavior and that your daughter is hurt. Also let her know that you are aware that she lied to you about the grades and you want her to know that if something is going on, you're there for her. If there isn't something going on, then you really hope she gets her priorities in line before she misses-out on being a great aunt (which is sometimes more fun than being a mommy)!
You asked for opinions and here is mine. Seems like a classic case of competition. Whether it's intentional or not, you sister may feel like she's not measuring up to you and your family situations and an easy way is to not deal with it by withdrawing themselves from the situation. Their decision is what they have do have control over. If you're close with your sister, have a face to face talk with her. Nothing over email or the phone. In person would be best. Tell her how you feel and ask her what is going on. Reach out to her...just you and her. Try that and see if she's willing to open up. If she doesn't open up, respect that she needs time and it's her decision.
I think she is embarrassed about her own kids failings and doesn't know how to take your daughters success.
Hi L., I am one of four sister, we are all local and all close, but we all have a different kind of relationship with each sister.
I don't believe she wants you to be hurt. In fact, I think she is no longer staying close to you and yours because she fears you will be disappointed in her. That's my take.
It's pretty normal for close siblings to grow in different directions, but since the changes are happening to HER, not YOU, I wonder if she thinks you won't understand, or she'll look like the 'bad sister'. Especially if your kids are still excelling and hers are struggling.
I hope you can ask her honestly and gently if there's something going on, or just say if there IS an issue in her life it would break your heart to know she was afraid to share it with you. And whatever her reaction is to that, reiterate OFTEN you hope she knows she can talk to you about ANYTHING.
After all, husbands come and go, kids grow up and leave, but your SISTER is a constant, you know?
Good Luck!
:)
Sounds like maybe your kids accomplishments are making her uncomfortable...like maybe she is seeing your kids in competition to hers. Since hers are not doing so well now, those things are no longer her priority or she is in competition w/ you.
Is there something going one with her and her family?
Jealousy and percived judgement with a little (or a lot) of embarrasement mixed in.
I'm sure you've heard something similair to this in other responses, but I think-actually I'm sure-she has something going on in her family that she is embarrassed to talk about, something that also makes it uncomfortable for her to attend your events.
I think the key is that your nieces told you they were failing classes and she said they got all A's...My guess is either her kids or maybe her marriage and family aren't what she has pretended they are and it's finally catching up with her.
I don't think she is trying to hurt you or your family-she is just consumed with herself and not realizing the impression she is leaving. I would sit her down and call her on it (nicely), and hopefully she'll open up and you two can get back to where you were before.
There could be a few things going on:
•Her kids are struggling and she doesn't want to rub it in their faces
•Even though you might not see it this way, she may feel you are gloating over your kid's achievements (I know you're just proud & want to share, but who knows hoe SHE is interpreting it?)
•She cannot come to grips that her kids strengths might lie in other areas than academics.
•She might feel you are judgmental and that's why she lied to you about the grades
•She might feel you place too much importance on academics (again--I don't agree, but I don't know your sister.)
•I might just be too much time spent at YOUR kids events, etc (for her).
If she doesn't want to come, she doesn't want to come. There's not much you can do about it. But I would let her know you are hurt.
your sister is pulling away because she can't compete. Whether you think so or not sisterhood is a competition . You kids are winning her kids are struggling rather stand in a room and have it thrown in her face and her kid's face she chose to go somewhere else. Just because she is your sister/aunt does not make it mandatory for her to be at every celebration. Just to add it might not just be your sister maybe the cousins are really tired of second place.
Hm take her out to lunch, just you two and straight out ask her what's going on. Don't be angry or judgemental, just say you miss her presence in your family's events and you're concerned and hurt b/c you used to do so much together and you miss her! Chances are she'll open up to you if she feels like you're offereing her a safe space to confide. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's something else but since you were so close before, try to get her to open up about it instead of jumping to conclusions.
I'm not sure what is going on, but it definitely sounds like something is going on. Maybe she feels that her family is not "perfect" and you might be coming across as judging of her and hers (you might not be, but if she's feeling vulnerable, it might seem so to her; or you might in fact be coming across that way regardless).
I think the best thing to do for your relationship if you want to try to help and also rekindle the friendship, is to ask her to go out to lunch with you (just you and just her). Tell her that you have been noticing what looks like a distancing of your relationship, and you're just asking because you're concerned (ie, is everything okay with her, or with her kids). Let her know you care, and then just listen. Don't judge or react, even if she says "you're always comparing and I feel like you think our family is not as good as yours" or whatever).
If she doesn't say anything, then be honest and open--let her know that you sharing your families accomplishments is not meant to be comparison or to make her/them feel bad. (in this scenario, you might mention the report card incident--but don't be accusatory or have a judging tone of voice). Let her know that if you've done something that has hurt her or her family, you want to try to make it right.
And then let her know that her niece really wants all of her loved ones to share in her special moment later this month, and that you felt somewhat hurt on her behalf that even though they knew about it well in advance, they made plans to do something else with another family.
I'm not big on gossip, but do your parents have any thoughts on this, or do you have any siblings that would have a clue? Would she be embarrassed about something for some reason, or depressed? It does sound very strange. Does your husband have any input other than that comment? Does he know of something that happened? Just read Carol's answer - sounds like a real possibility to me. If that's the case, find small easy ways to connect with her, even if it's just a card to let her know you love her - she may need it.
She is obviously lying to you, and probably feels really bad about it. I would feel horrible if I was lying to my sister.
Can you take her out to lunch and just ask her what is going on? Tell her what you know, call her out on it. She is just going to keep avoiding you until it gets brought up.
