My Sons Behavior Is Gettin Out of Hand.

Hmm ... do you work a lot? Sounds like (just my guess) that he's looking for attention and will get it anyway he can. A lot of kids do that. If that's the case, I would try to make time for just you and him - and make whatever the event is sound really exciting!! Or, if he's in daycare, maybe he's picking up this behavior from other kids. It could be as simple as that. Have you tried time-outs? He's old enough to understand, so maybe that would work. As long as he knows that if he does "X," his consequence will be "Y" EVERY TIME, then he will probably stop. The time-out or punishment needs to be consistent EVERY TIME though. HTH.

i also have a 4 year old... and she also was misbehaving, throwing tantrums, etc... ok, 1st i will say that i tried everything.. time out, talked, rewards, even spanked her bottomw.. nothing worked. now, i know you or other readers might think this is bad, but all i can say is it worked!

remember back in the day when your moms would wash your mouth out with soap, well dont worry i didnt do that, but what i did do was put a dab of hot sauce on my finger and put it in her mouth... not alot! believe me it wont take much... i wanted to do something that would get her attention, but not hurt her.. and i did.

since then she was only had it one other time (which was weeks after the 1st time). she doesnt throw those tantrums any more either.

we still use time out as our first "punishment", but if it starts to look like it is going to get out of control, we remind her of the hot sauce, and that tends to put her back in line.

i know that some ppl might raise their eyebrows at that method, but i can honestly say that i was getting extremely frustrated with her and once i noticed my grip on her arms getting tighter (while i was trying to prevent her from biting, hitting and kicking me) and the second i realized that my anger was getting the best of me, i let go and turned around and put myself in time out in my room... it was quite a sight, me on one side and her on the other, crying.

so with all my dirty secrets out in the open, i can just say that i prayed and prayed for help and this was the idea that came into my mind...

and for what its worth though, with all due respect, maybe rethink the toys on christmas thing. he is just starting to really "get" the whole santa thing, and its so magical for kids, especially that age. i would hate for it to take on a differant memory then what it is suppose to be.... (plus, selfishly it truely is the best age to watch too!)

This is a very difficult age/stage as the ladies state.I have found in parenting and others that it is the behavior that is bad, not the child.At this age he is bored, and he does not understand conseqences.You have to teach him, and I am sure you are.I dont agree with doing the christmas gifts the way that you might do it, but that is your choice.However, I would say,"Ya know..Santa called today, and he is concerned that with your behavior lately, he is not sure if he is going to be able to bring your presents.Santa said that you need to be a good listener, and help mommy around the house, and he will make special arangement to come".Make something up.Not timing time-out is good too.The child decides when it is time to get up.

I am laughing so hard about the post the lady wrote about hot sauce, i even read it to my husband, and he had the same reaction. WE ARE AT OUT WITTS ENDS (on days like today), kicking and screaming and I don't even know anymore what is acceptable what not. i purchased this book today method 1-2-3 read a bit and just laughed. i will try it, heck i need anything to get my kids under control, so C. i understand your frustration
vlora

Hi, There are plenty of good family therapists to consider. A therapist can give you and your son some time to talk separately to him/her. He/She can help with behavior modification and reward charts. I wish there was a class that parents can take to learn how to better handle strong-willed children and to learn which discipline techniques work best with which personalities. I speak from experience. By the way, I learned of a little trick for the few months before Christmas to help curb bad behavior. A small jingle bell strategically left here and there every so many days is a sign that Santa's elves have been there. They are looking for good behavior to tell Santa. You wouldn't believe the wide eyes I saw from my children when they believed me.

Hi C.,

I saw your message and I have a 4 1/2 year old too. He has been a handful from the begining. What I started to do when he would act up in public is tell him you will not tolerate his behavor and, if he does not listen to you. He will have to go in the car to his car seat for time out. Do not sit in the car with him. Strap him in his car seat and close the door. Wait by the car for 4 minutes. Tell him if, he does not listen you. This will happen ever time.I use to do this with my son when we went anywhere public. He got it after a couple of times. Now he is pretty good. Or you could put him in a a stroller if he acts out. Try not to give him any negative responses, because he will just turn to you with those same negative responses. Believe me I know. Now I don't even have to put him in the stroller anymore. He walks right by my side. Good luck! Let me know how it goes?

I DO NOT like the idea of Santa not bringing him gifts for a couple of reasons. 1. He is just going to get them anyway. 2. and most important is that he needs to have immediate punishment for when he is acting up. Even a couple of hours later is to long to teach a lesson.

First you need to lay out the consquenses of his bad behavior. When you say something...MEAN it! Example...Son if you continue to talk back to me you will lose your favorite tv show today. If he does it again, follow through and do not let him watch the show.

You have to make sure that you are not awarding is bad behavior. Did he get a toy after he acted that way in the store? Why did he want to go? If it was to see the toy department I would of immediately told him if you talk back to me or hit me again, you will not get to look at toys today. If he would of continued to do so I would of went home.

Is it easy to do this...NO. It is inconvient sometimes too.

Dear C.,
Try to see him and why he is behaving that way, and not just change the behavior. That won't work. It sounds like you need a totally new outlook to "discipline." Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is a good book to start with, also How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so kids will Talk is excellent. The important thing to remember in any case is that he needs to know you love him no matter how he behaves. So I definitely do not recommend not giving him his Christmas presents that morning. Tell him you changed your mind about that and that you are working on how to help him with whatever feelings he has that are causing his disruptful behavior. But do you really want him to remember his 4th Christmas when he didn't get his presents? That seems overly traumatic and probably won't do any good at all, not even making him into what you call a "good boy." Try to avoid those labels if you can -- he is already a good boy no matter what he does and he deserves to know that.
peace-
E.

Hi C.,
People usually tell me that i'm too hard on my son, basically because I don't let him get away with anything. The first time he act's up he gets 1 warning and thats all. If we are out in public we leave immediatly, I've left full carts in the grocery store because of the way he was acting. I'm bog on time out, my son absoutly hates to be in time out. Usually i'll make him sit in his room on the edge of the bed for 4 mins but if he is being totally out of control he has to stand in the living room and he hates that. Maybe you can sit down with you son and tell him you don't like how he has been acting and things are going to change, and if he hates time out incorporate that or take away 1 thing he LOVES everytime he acts up. Good luck, I know how embarrassing it is when they act out in public!

well I also have a 4 yr old daughter and she is acting the same way.I believe in spanking children not hurting them but letting them know who the boss is.I also use time out and inform her that we are not going to act like this and it is not acceptable behavior.You will have to figure out what will work for you but whatever it is you hvae to stay consistent with it.

Just a little suggestion but I would make it a sooner consequence than Christmas. Like make him lose something TODAY if he acts out. My son is 5 and he is definitely a strong-willed child. But if I say, "well if you won't do your homework, you're going to bed right now" That usually makes him do it. Consequences need to be immediate with kids that young. If he has a favorite toy, then you could say, "if you won't listen you will need to lose your favorite toy for a while". Give him the choice. Also, I always tell my son that I really don't believe there are "bad children". I tell him that we all have choices to make and sometimes we make bad choices. Then if he acts up I say "That was a bad choice." It is tough but kids actually need rules, they feel more comfortable when they know their limits and what the consequences will be if they pass those limits. And if it helps at all, four year olds are known to challenge authority!

At 4 he is not going to understand, he will get bored if you are standing in a store talking to someone. At this age you have to keep telling them how to behave, that is how they learn. Have you tried a behavoir chart? If he has good behavior you show him on a chart, when he gets to the end of it he gets a reward. That has helped with my 5 year old. You do have to make sure you are using age apporpiate things with him becasue again he is 4 and that is a bit young for the adult behavior you are expecting from him.

Hi C.,-- Here is a positive approach!!!
I realize that you have received a ton of advise and I read a few of them but I haven't seen any one try an alternate approach. First it took me a couple of day s to stomache the whole Santa thing. I think from my perspective that would traumatize your child and it is Christmas. Here it goes. I have a wonderful 5 yr old boy, who has been a complete handful since 18months. When he was 2 someone told me there was something wrong with him ( for the same reasons as you listed) except he has a speech delay and could not comunicate so he bit and hit all the time. He was kicked out of everywhere! Daycare preschool ... All the screaming and timeouts never worked. What did work was flipping it around to a positive situation. He went on the point system. Whenever he did something nice, listened, picked up toys, talked nice to me, I gave him points. I kept a chart and if he earned enough points at the end of the week he could pick the dinner and activity for the night. He did a 360. No kidding. I now have 2 kids and the points work wonderfully. I do take away points for bad behavior- hitting sassing etc. And they will go out of their way to make it up, they both want to win. It seems to me maybe your son needs some exta love and positive enegry from you. I can only imagine how exhausiting it would be to be a single mom. But I will tell you this- screaming is exhausting and I really don't do it anymore- I don't have to. I read about this in Family Fun Magazine a couple of years ago and it was the best thing I did for my family. I hope it will work well for yours.
take care and please don't take Santa away or ruin it for your child. He is only a baby. Love him and help him find his way.
please email me if you have any other questions
God Bless

Ack on the hot sauce. It instantly reminded me of the story in the news a year ago I think about the young mom who accidentally killed her baby by putting some sort of hot sauce or cayanne pepper on the child's thumb because she had been told that it needed to break the habit of sucking its thumb. (I don't remember if it was a boy or a girl, but I know the child was under a year of age)

Anyway... So, please don't do that!! :) I also would say spanking is not going to help.

I agree that he may be acting out of boredom or frustration, at least in the case of the mall incident. It seems like he felt left out, so he responded in a way that would get attention.

Focus on his positive behaviors, and maybe make sure to set aside a special time for the two of you each day... when he has your complete attention, because I know it is very hard for single moms... just to have time to breathe or think, let alone good quality time- but he may be feeling that the only way to really get your attention is to act out.

I know that my response will probably not win me many friends, but I am telling it like I see it, not just in this situation, but in society in general.
My third child will be 4 in 6 days. he is a handful. My older boys are 7 & 10, by no means are any of my children angels, but they are not terrors either. I have no problem with spanking my children and they know that (anywhere they need it). Spare the rod, Spoil the child! I have tried time out, I have tried talking. I have worked in daycares, you can tell which children are actually disciplined and which are expected to reason like miniature adults. Children do not understand reasoning. I was spanked as a child, most of the people I know who are reasonable, responsible adults were too. One of the daycares I worked at had a couple of children (3 1/2 - 4 year old boys)who were absolutely horrible, a couple of other children in the class told the other teacher "they need spanked, then they would listen" Even children who are disciplined can appriciate the need for it.
And the whole santa thing, he wont bring you presents if you are bad. Do you really think that will work or is fair? I personally do not think Santa is fair to kids anyway (or parents for that matter) Think about it- A complete stranger comes once a year to shower your children with gifts. My children know that they get gifts on Christmas from mom and dad because we love them, unconditionally, just like God loves us unconditionally. (They get stockings from santa, that's all.) I would rather my children behave because they know it is right than because they want presents. Are you really not going to give your children gifts on Christmas? You might put them away for the morning, but you plan on giving them to you child that day, they are still getting the gifts. It is not a punishment, just a dissapointment. Also, they are not going to remember that they did something bad 3 weeks earlier, so that is why santa forgot them.
Is you child so bad that it is worth the disappointment of not getting anything for Christmas. Does that show him that he did something bad or that he is a bad kid? There is a difference.
We need to stop trying to make our kids like us and start being their parents instead of their friends. Parents are in control, they need to know that.

I also have a four year old and I feel like we go at it all the time. I found the only thing that works is rewarding good behavior instead of focusing on the bad. I'll tell her if she doesn't have a time out in daycare all week that at the end of the week I'll get her a little something (nothing expensive maybe even something from the dollar store). This is the only thing that she responds too, other than me calling her father, but I hate doing that because i want her to listen to me. Good luck, I've found this to be the most difficult age!

Your son is testing your limits and trying to show who is boss. If you tell him something you have to stick to it. I just finished a child psychology college course and it was really helpful. It is really hard around this time of year because everyone is so busy but try to make him stay in bed if he acts up. Like "Now you are just going to stay in bed until you know how to be nice to me". It really seemed to help with my little one. He's going to be 4 in April.

Hello,
I am 27 also and I have a three and a half year old. He is the same way and I have no answer on why or how to deal with this. I do not believe in hitting a child so I hope you do not take that advice. I am trying everything I take his toys away I put him in timeout and nothing works. My doctor says that is just the way some kids are. They need constant attention. I hope it works out for you.
A.

I totally agree with the person that responded about behavior charts, those tend to work well with kids, but be sure that the reward is something meaningful to your son, and preferably not toys or things you have to spend money on, but rather special outings with you, or something that gets him the attention he wants.

At 4 years old, he is definitely testing the boundries to see what he can get away with, and dont think he doesnt understand consequences, because normally developing kids at 4 definitely understand cause and effect.

At home, if there is a behavior you dont like, ignore it if you can. obviously not if he is hurting himself, you, or your property. But otherwise, tell him you dont like that kind of behavior, and will talk to him/pay attention to him when he behaves appropriately. And walk away. And alway reward his good behavior (hugs, kisses, attention) so that he knows what good behavior is.

As for long term consequences, like Santa not coming, thats too far off in the future for him to change his present behavior.

Time out, if done consistently and correctly is effective.
As for when you are out somewhere, dont get embaressed, you are not a bad parent and you are not making your kid behave badly, so dont apologize to anyone (trust me, with a 2 year old, i know it can be embarressing). Just take action quickly, and leave where you are. Or if you cant, any place can be a time out (a bench in the mall, your car, whatever).

GOOD LUCK!!!!

I CAN COMPLETELY RALATE WITH YOU C.. I HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD WHOSE BEHAVIOR IS OUT OF HAND. I CONSTANLY TALK TO HIM AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING IS NOT RIGHT AND WHAT MAKES IT HARDER IS THAT HE IS AWARE OF EVERYTHING THAT HE DOES AND SAYS.IT DRIVES ME CRAZY ITS LIKE HE HAS BEHAVIOR CROSSED HE AT THE AGE OF DISCOVERING INDEPENCE BUT HE IS GETTING IT CONFUSED.ESX , I WILL COOK DINNER AND TELL HIM IT IS TIME TO EAT HE REPLIES I DONIT HAVE TO EAT ANY THING FORGET ABOUT DINNER I AM GOING TO THROW IT AWAY. wHAT WORKS BEST FOR ME SOMETIMES IS T HAVING THOSE HEART TO HEART TALKS WHEN HE SO CUTE AND TELLS ME MOMMY II WILL LISTEN ,AND A COUPLE MINUTES LATER ITS BACK TO BUSINESSS AS USUAL.I WILL PUT HIM IN THE CORNER AND LET HIM KNOW HE IS ON TIME OUT AND AS HARD AS IT I DON'T GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS ONLY WHAT HE NEEDS. i FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE TO LEARN FROM YOUNG.IT IS A REALY HARD THING WHEN YOUR CHILD MISBEHAVES, IT CAn be stressful and leaving you feeling as idf you done something wrong .Just stay strong pateince is a virtue(alot).just think he might grow out of it by the time he five ,that s what everyone keeps telling me ,boy i hope it true

Hugs mama, I know it can't be easy! I'm starting to wish I could hit fast-forward sometimes! LOL.

I think it might help to understand the developmental stages of kids. They don't really gain reliable impulse control until age 6 or so. I think you might be expecting too much of him. I think you need to just keep explaining and modelling polite, respectful behavior until he's old enough to "get it."

I also think that telling him he needs to be a "good boy" and must stop being a "bad boy" kinda polarizes the world and sets up impossible standards. People aren't either good or bad; people do some good things, and some bad things. I also think that making him feel ashamed or guilty is just likely to escalate matters. You can't make someone behave better by making them feel bad about themself, and words from mama hurt more than they would from anyone else, kwim?

What about working with natural or logical consequences to his actions? Things that are immediate and directly related and match the severity of what he's doing. Withholding the magic of Christmas morning from a 4 year old for some hitting and sass seems way out of proportion.

As far as the mall situation, sounds like it might have been overwhelming and scary for him. I get a little overwhelmed by the mall near the holidays and I'm a grown-up! He might also have been feeling a bit ignored by you. Did you ask him why he did that? I think I would tell him that's not a nice way to treat someone and that sometimes you like to talk to your friends, just like he likes to talk to and play with his.

It sounds like you're really trying to do the right thing in talking and reasoning with him. It might just take a while to see results. I think it helps to think of the fact that you're trying to raise an adult who knows right from wrong and is nice to people because he wants to be, not because of fear of punishment or retribution. I often wonder what happens to kids who are spanked or threatened to keep them in line after they're too big for that stuff anymore. Just keep your eye on the big picture. ;)