Name Calling - San Antonio,TX

Midgets- Probably funny and okay. We call our kids urchins, but only when being funny. And I mean funny. Not sarcastic or complaining or anything. They know they are loved, and we always behave (I hope) toward them in loving ways.

Crybaby- Unacceptable. Period. Not an example of loving communication.

Your expectations, not his.
There's a difference between name calling and nicknaming.
A stressed household with parents criticizing each other is worse than a household with nicknames.
My kids are Princess (also name calling since she really isn't a princess), numbers One, Two or Three (their birth order), Silly Goose, Spoiled, Bunny (again, not mean but name calling never-the-less, she ISN'T a rabbit), Boy, Handsome, Goof, Short Round (even though my kids are skinny), and on and on. Some of the names are funny, some are facetious, some are truthful. None of these names are their given names. Does that mean we shouldn't use them?
Possibly you were called names growing up and are now extremely sensitive to hearing it from others. Discuss it with your husband-WHY you don't like to hear name calling and really what the boundaries of name calling should be. Your husband may fully agree that no hateful names should be used at any time while you feel that ONLY given names should be used always. You two need to set up the boundaries TOGETHER. Just because you are the mother doesn't make you the automatic better parent. Everyone gets to bring something to the table; both of you get to have a say in parenting.
Good luck.

I don't know how to tell you this but calling a child a midget is not labeling it is not name calling it is a nickname. Clearly they are not midgets, they are children, who are by the nature of their age, are short.

Now crybaby is name calling but it seems it was used for effect. Just like your son said you were a bad mommy calling him a crybaby shows him just how hateful his words were.

Still in the end you need to figure out why you have such a warped view of nicknames and other terms of endearment. Were you called names as a child and have such hurt that you cannot tell the difference. Yes you need to model the behavior you desire but that behavior needs to be rational. If not it causes confusion especially when he starts seeing other families interacting with each other. He will see them as loving and not be sure what is going on in his own.

You need to sit down with your little midget and explain that daddy was only trying to get him to understand how words hurt. Make it a learning moment instead of the blame game.

Another thing you need to consider is your son probably loves his relationship with his father and doesn't understand why you are constantly criticizing him for something your son takes no offense with.

I think that you are over reacting a little bit...... Name calling is things like jerk, stupid, idiot, etc I think that cry baby is something that your child will never, ever think about again as long as it is said in a playful way or not in a threatening way. Sometimes the child needs to know they are being a baby, need to stop crying or let something go, etc I think that you need to take into consideration that your children are going to face bullying, name calling, etc at some point in school and they must have a little bit of tough skin to deal with it. Midget is cute if he is just talking about their being short. The world is too sensitive anymore. Let him be playful with them, he doesn't sound like he is being abusive when he says it. I think a lot of it depends on 'how' he says it.... if he says, "you big cry baby, shut your mouth!", then that is not good, but if he says, "stop being a cry baby and be nice to your mother", that is ok. You really should sit back and try to decide what is truly going to affect your children later and what is going to be ok. :) I do know what you mean about teaching your son not to name call but I also think that there is a difference in 'name calling'.....as compared to being silly and playful and just poking fun. Try to relax about it.

As moms we need to remember that Dad's parent differently than us.. If this is the worst thing he does you are really fortunate.

You have voiced your request, but it is a request he can follow or ignore.. he is also a parent and a grown up..

IF this really is an issue, you need to have a real sit down and be prepared for an equal conversation, but still keep in mind.. this is not worth always getting after him..

"I feel that I am constantly criticizing my husband." This is not good for your marriage. You are your children's mother not his.

Step back and let him be a dad they way he wants to be,.,

ONE OF MY KIDS TELLS ME THEY HATE ME EVERY DAY! (Its usually the same one).It means you are more than likely being a good mom. They don't want the limits we place on them, but they need them :)

IGNORE IT! Making a big deal of it just makes it that much more tempting for them to use in the future, if they know it gets to you. When he says I hate you, say I love you in return.

As for your DH, that is a whole different story. It is most likely a losing battle- just who he is. So, the two of you need to sit down and decide what pet names are acceptable. There is a difference between a pet name and name calling. Midget, said in a loving way, is not derogatory or name calling.

Good Luck

We have taken PC too far. I call my kids nicknames: love, doll, little man (yes, he is 19 and 6'1) princess, prince, brat etc. Yes, I would tell my kids to quite acting like crybabies. I didn't say they were crybabies but that they were acting like crybabies. It had to do with their behavior. You cannot dictacte what your husband does.

For the record, if you are a bad or mean mom, it means you are doing your job. Y

To me, midgit is a derogatory word. It's like saying the 'n' word IMO. I think there is a lot better name to call your little ones than something we used to call people who are of a certain stature & can't help it. I think you're right to be concerned. Someday, somewhere, someone is going to hear that statement out in public & it might just be a person of a shorter stature that might get offended. While it may be said 'in play', to me, it's telling your kids it's okay to use derogatory words & they, in turn, may start to call other kids that. I'd definitly discuss the matter further w/your husband. As for your son saying he hates you & you're not a good mommy...sit down w/him the next time he says it & just ask "Why do you say I'm not a good mommy?" Then remind him of all the good things you actually do for him..."Do I not fix your breakfast the way you like it? Do I not get you up on time for school? Do I not get you the school supplies you need? Do I not tell you all the time that I love you?" etc. etc. If you can't get a straight answer from him, ask him if he likes it when someone hurts his feelings & if he says "no" then tell him that when he says those things, they hurt your feelings (which, to him, is prob the point...trying to get at you). Just let him know that saying things like that is unacceptable & if he continues...punish him...take things away from him. If he keeps on, tell him what a 'bad' mommy really is...someone who mistreats their child, neglects them, doesn't do for them...maybe that will help. He's prob just saying that hoping to get under your skin but I think you should probe for further info or clarity on what makes him say that. Good luck!

there is a difference in name calling and pet names. cute little nick names like midgets isnt rude unless he is saying it to be hurtful or in a tone that is degrating. i feel relaxing a bit and not being so over the top about it will help people to cope with things better. like growing up it was soooo offensive if somone shined a flash light in your face even playing. it was very very rude. (simular to how you feel about name calling) but once i was an adult and it happened a few times to other people and they reacted like it was no big deal but my feelings were hurt i realized that this might have been put out of perspective and i needed to relax as they werent meaning to be mean just playing around. find a balance between the two. its ok to be silly and playful but when people are being crule and mean both parents need to teach the kids how to handle it or help stand up for some one else or remove yourself. good judgement. your husband is an adult you made a good choice when you married him. stop criticizing your hubby as its not working anyway and your just being a nag or he might actually think its fun to get a rise out of you.

I have had a similar battle with my son, and will tolerate some joking name calling, but I am with you I don't like any of it. I don't htink calling him cryababy, wimp etc is going to help. I absolutely hate the term midget I think it can be offensive. For the most part my husband agrees, but sometimes he slips when he gets frustrated. Unfortunately my mother in law is a bully and bullied both her boys in this manner as they were growing up. I think she over compensated because she was a single mom and tried to toughen them up or something but I can tell you looking at both men now, it didn't work!

So I agree with you I don't think any name calling should be tolerated. Just wait until you get the call that your son is in the principals office and being suspended for name calling, then maybe your husband will think twice. Unfortunately it may be too late then. Schools have zero tolerance for name calling, so maybe you can use this as an excuse to curb this behavior!

If your husband name calls, then he should have to apologize for it and explain to your son that it is not acceptable to name call. It's ok for kids to see that we make mistakes too, and important for them to see how we handle it when we do. (per Super Nanny!)

Aw, Ann, I'm sorry that your son said that. I'm sure it was very hurtful to you.

I think that it would have been better for you to talk to your son, rather than your husband (though I know you were very upset, and your husband was protective of you at that point). If it ever happens again, maybe you could say to your son something like "I'm sorry that you're angry right now, and feel the way you do, but it hurts Mommy very much when you say what you did. You need some time to cool off, so I'd like you to go to your room while you do that. When you come back down, I will expect an apology. You have a right to your own feelings, but you do not have the right to hurt other people by expressing them that way. And remember.....no matter what, I love you, and always will.”

And, remember that this was the mindset that your husband was in right then - protecting you. Yes, it's his son, but he saw his son hurt YOU, the woman he loves. So when he couldn't get your son to apologize, he got frustrated and, as you said, it escalated, leading him to call your son a crybaby.

You are absolutely right - we need to model the behaviors we want our children to copy. But, I'm in agreement with the others in suggesting you re-think what "name calling" is. To most people, saying something like "midget" wouldn't be considered name calling. At least, not hurtful name calling. And I think that is where the line should be drawn.....where it's hurtful to the other person.

For example, if my daughter plays a trick on me…..such as taking the book I'm reading and just set down to go get a drink, and I come back and find my book gone, and I can hear her giggling, so I know she did something with it, I may say (in a playful, pretend-to-be-outraged, way) "Hey! Who took my book? You! You little stinker! Give me back my book!" Now, from the tone of my voice, she knows I am kidding with her, and she never thinks twice about the fact that I just called her a "stinker" --- or Guggenheimer or Ishkabibble or any other name I throw out there --- and neither do I. And to most people observing that exchange, it would not be seen as name calling.

So, perhaps you and your husband could come up with some guidelines about what constitutes name calling. And maybe get a third party - a friend - involved for an outsider's view on what you determine name calling is. If you can come up with an agreement about what it is and what it is not, then your husband is much more likely to abide by it.

Now, speaking of modeling behaviors.....your husband should apologize to your son for calling him a crybaby, if he hasn't already done so. Because to most people, "crybaby" is name calling. It was said to be hurtful and/or derogatory. If your son hears your husband take responsibility for hurting HIS feelings with name calling and apologizing for it, perhaps your son will take responsibility for hurting your feelings when he called you a bad mommy, and will apologize to you. Your husband can even say, when he apologizes, "I hurt your feelings the way you hurt mommy's and made her so sad, and that wasn't right. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry." Maybe that will help your son empathize with you - both of you had your feelings hurt.

And, finally, I think that it is sad that anyone would accept one’s child saying “I hate you” or “You’re mean!” on a daily basis. I don’t believe that means that a parent is “doing their job” or “being a good parent”. I believe that a parent can work with their child to find acceptable ways of expressing their anger other than allowing the child to continually say “I hate you”. I am dreading the day that either of my children ever say those horrible words to me. (Of course, since we don’t use the word “hate” in our house, they will more likely say, “I detest you!” But it will hurt, nonetheless.)

Blessings to you and your family as you work through this.

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