Need Advice - Austin,TX

I think that sounds like a good idea to try and work on a reconnection and counseling! If that doesn't work then you know you at least you both tried to work on the marriage as much as possible! Good Luck!!

Sorry you are having a rough time. I have heard from couples in a similar situation that Retrouvaille (a faith based program) was helpful.

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Remember the grass isn't always greener - in most cases it is very brown. If you can't let go of your resentment and anger w/ your current husband, what makes you think when you get hurt by the next guy that you will be able to let go of the hurt and anger w/ him? You need to deal with your coping skills first and foremost. Your husband will need to learn to treat women and marriage w/ respect, not just you, or his issues will only carry over to the next woman. You haven't listed one single reason that warrants a divorce. Falling out of love and using that for a reason to divorce is the lazy way out. I truly hope you find each other again. You loved each other once - it can happen again :)

I can tell you from personal experience that it IS possible to take a marriage on the brink of divorce and with hard work, patience, love and trust, turn it around and have a really good solid relationship again.
I will not go into all of the sordid details but in the 1980's and 1990's my husband and I went through almost every sort of trial and disturbance that you can think of. We seperated on more than one occassion...and I thought it was ALL over more than once.
But here we are...20 years later....celebrating our 42nd anniversary this summer...with 3 grown daughters, 2 adorable grandsons....and we are enjoying life more now than we ever did before.
It wasn't easy...and it didn't happen overnight. It takes commitment on both of your parts...and be willing to take baby steps together...sometimes it is one step forward and 2 steps back. Be patient...and remember what made the two of you fall in love in the first place.
I can tell you that I don't remember your other letters...I have no idea what the issues are in your marriage. But I can tell you that you don't have to give up and just walk away from this marriage if you both still want to work on it.
But please...try to shelter your children from as much of the tension and disturbance as you can. Remember that they are the most important thing that the two of you have to consider...you want them to have the very best home life that they can have...and the love of both parents.
I hope that you and your husband are able to walk your way through this hard time together!!

Dr Phil says that you have to earn your way out of a marriage. You have
to exhaust every avenue before calling it quits. Your family deserves
all the efforts possible to be expended here. Do the work. If it doesn't
work for you, you will feel much better about your decision.
We all are pulling for you. Wishing you the very best outcome.
P.S. No hurtful name calling. It is fruitless.

Marriage isn't always going to be about mad, passionate love. I feel like so many people feel like it should be that happily ever after, but that's so unrealistic. The good looks fade, good humor fades, you really start to grind on each other's nerves, whether you've been together 5 years or 50. The key is COMPANIONSHIP and friendship, mutual respect and loyalty.

My fiance and I were about to call the entire thing off for a bundle of reasons. We forgot that we were supposed to be on the same team. We forgot about all our stupid, hilarious inside jokes. We forgot about our late night pillow talk, where we would share our deepest concerns, secrets, and fears. We just... disconnected for a few months. Finally, enough was enough, and it was our breaking point. We had done counseling in the past and my fiance brought it up again. We're going now, and we're RIGHT back on track. It's funny how the small, mundane things creep into your life and you stop looking at the big picture of things. Going to counseling is like going for a physical... it's a check up for your relationship. It's a lifesaver :) It puts the big picture bag into perspective... we have a loving home, 3 healthy, happy kids, a roof over our heads... and we WILL be 'those old people' at the nursig home causing a ruckus ;) Why? Because we're compatible, once you brush all the stupid B.S. aside. No matter what, we're there for each other, we're team mates, we're partners in crime.

As long as both parties trust the counselor, are open and honest, and maintain communication with each other (and themselves), there's a very high chance that counseling will benefit you. And even if it doesn't, at least you can rest easy knowing you gave it your best shot and tried your damnedest!!

Good luck and best wishes for a positive outcome :)

I firmly believe the best gift you can give your kids is a healthy, happy marriage!!! Do whatever it takes to achieve this! It sounds like both you and your husband need healing, whether you're together or apart, so if you are both agreeing to receive counseling, go for it! Keep your marriage together if possible. Counseling is a process and takes time... be patient. Don't quit! Your children will be so blessed. I've seen my brother's marriage, my sister's marriage, and one of my best friend's marriage dissolve in divorce, and divorce is definitelly the most difficult thing they've ever been through ~ the challenges never end. If there is hope, please give it your all ~ you'll never regret it! If you're religious, be prayerful! Wishing you the best!

I only read a few of the previous responses, and did not look back to your previous posts, but wanted to say this: It is fantastic that you both are willing to go to counseling. Having a new baby in the house (and the attending hormone fluctuations) can cause stress/strain in a wonderful marriage... but in one that already is struggling, could push you past what might be a breaking point. Not to discount anything else that might be going on with the two of you, but it just doesn't seem right or honest to give up when you are both in the middle of the post baby adjustments. So, YES. go to counseling. Give it at least 6 months. Heck, it might take that long just to get back on a totally "even keel" post-pregnancy. And that goes for both of you, not just the mom with the hormones.

My pastor always said the easiest counseling to do was when the couple "just weren't in love anymore".

Give it a shot. What could it hurt?

not every counselor is a good one, but good ones are worth their weight in gold. my dh and i went twice, about 17 or 18 years ago. in retrospect i can see that we weren't really in *that* much trouble, but i may also be gilding the memory. i do know that at the time i was in so much pain, and i think he was too.
now we're hitting the post-kid years (younger just turned 20) and we are enjoying each other more than ever.
i love your husband's attitude at this point, and also your very thoughtful mature take on it. i wish you both the best!
:) khairete
S.

In order for marriage counseling to work, you both have to want to save the marriage! If someone wants out, then it's not going to help. You also have to be open about therapy--there are things that you will need to change and be open to exploring your faults, and the same goes for your husband. Therapy is a process, and at the beginning can be a bit rough as all your issues are opened up, but then this allows you to work on them and with a good therapist, guide you through them. you and your husband must be aware that things in therapy tend to feel worse but then get better. Many people quit during the bumpy part and never see it through. Change is hard, but if you are both committed, it is highly beneficial.

I would decide to do everything in your power to rebuild your marriage. I agree you should spend at least the next 6-12months being in really intensive therapy with your spouse and individual if needed. Don't give up yet! It can be turned around. So many marriages prove that! I believe if you give and he give full 110% to turn this around, it can and will be done if you BOTH want it to. Good luck!

m

Counseling is a great choice!! It will work as long as both parties want it to work. Sometimes we just need to let go of the past and realize that it is gone and the best option we have is to make the future brighter. Talk lots with the counselor and let him give you options as how to deal with the two alpha personalities in this relationship. I can guarantee you 100% that you are hurting those kids more then you know. My son was two when we divorced and he used to stand between us and yell "stop!" Your husband does sound like he has a lot of unresolved issues that result is anger. That is sad because more then likely a lot of it is learned behavior. Your children are also learning this behavior and it will manifest later. Maybe they will think no one loves them unless they lose control and break things or hit them.

Go into counseling with an open mind. There is so much depending on this. I wish you all the best.

If you are both willing to talk to someone, I think you're 50% there. We've never been in counseling but I can tell you that watching my sister go through a divorce (her husband wasn't willing to go to counseling) gave US a chance to talk through so many issues. We are not 100% happy 100% of the time, but we have learned to be loving and respectful and how to put the other person first and/or see their side of something. Just knowing that my husband would be willing to go to counseling with me should the need arise is enough to make me want to do whatever I can to make him happy.

You have a new baby and a young child. These are the really tough years where stress can sometimes get the better of you both. You have to really work at having any kind of relationship - let alone a good marriage.

Now that our daughter is a little older, we really try to make time to spend together. It helps us remember that we still LIKE each other. We don't get out often, but when we do, we always feel like we're dating again. We've been married 19 years and I can honestly say that there were entire years early on that just weren't good because we weren't aware of each other's buttons. Therapy will help you relate to each other in a different way. Good luck and be sure to tell your husband TODAY that although things haven't been going the way both of you would like, you still love him and want to make the marriage WORK. Tell him you're willing to do whatever is needed to be his partner and girlfriend again. You'll get there.

I was ready to leave, as in sleeping in a different room and looking for my own place. I would say I was 80% sure that we were over when we started counseling. We have been in therapy for about 6 months and the difference is night and day from where we started. That is not to say that all is perfect now or that it's normal to see a huge difference in a very short time. I definitely think it is worth the time to improve your communication whether you stay together in the end or not. Best of luck to you!

A good counselor can help whether in the end you stay together or divorce. Either way, you have two children to raise together and will need to be able to communicate, negotiate, and cooperate to make life the best it can be for them.

My ex had/has anger issues, and got referred to anger management therapy by our marriage counselor and it did help. Our daughter, 4 years old at the time, looked him in the eye one day and said "Daddy, why are you so angry all the time?!" And he went to the anger management therapy, and has also continued counseling for himself.

You also say you have anger and resentment to work through. Again, a good counselor can help you learn some strategies for doing this.

What I did to resolve my issues with our marriage is attended Life Coaching training (expensive and time consuming, but for me very worthwhile). This helped me find new behaviors that work better for me and in our relationship as co-parents. It helped me let go of all the resentment, anger, feelings of responsibility I was carrying from a 20+ year relationship with a man who was later diagnosed as bipolar.

We now have a better relationship as divorced parents that we did before and our daughter, now 9, is thriving.

yes. 3 things:

1) Just the act of going to the counselor was helpful, even after the first visit. It made us both feel like we were taking action to remedy the problem, which was very freeing.
2) When it came down to it, it isn't rocket science. We both knew where we were going wrong (for the most part), but it took "checking in" with a third party to force us to actually make changes. Being accountable to someone else was very helpful for us. it's like weight watchers. If you know you have to get on the scale in front of someone else, it's a lot easier to put down the cookie.
3) The counselor actually did help my husband understand some things about me. Less so for me in regards to him, but in general I seem to have better insight into why he does what he does. He found it very helpful and took things less personally afterward.

So, I thought it was extremely helpful, but neither of us was "out of love", we were just having a very difficult time connecting after we had kids, and lost sight of each other. We were headed down a bad path and have had quite a turnaround. Worth a try-what have you got to lose?

A good counselor can work wonders. Even if you end up divorcing, a counselor can help you maintain healthy priorities and a clear goal of optimizing your children's well-being. I've never had to do it, but I do personally know two marriages that were saved this way, and are thriving years later.

I'm wishing your family the best.

I haven't personally but know of soooooooooo many couples who were practically signing on the dotted line and are still together today, one of them have been married like 35 years :D Having said that, I did go and skim some of your earlier posts and what I could see was that obviously he does have anger issues and it's pretty clear they are from his dad. He blames his mom for his dad's issues, which is totally typical. He was a victim of his father's rage too. He was young and vulnerable, he couldn't protect his mom and no man, even a young boy wants to feel helpless or weak. So he started shielding his own heart, saying if she would just shut up and keep the peace maybe dad would act right and they could be happy. So normal...in these completely un-normal things. Now he is still mad and still weak in his eyes bc he can't even make his own wife happy or control his rage. So honestly, he needs some counsel, preferably from a man. He is been through a lot, he needs healing, without it he will just rip your family apart, the very thing he would never want to do. Now you have probably been storing up a lot bc honestly he isn't the easiest to deal with but you are now continually resenting him and assuming how he will act etc. Viscous cycle. Have you heard of the book, "Wild at Heart" by Jon Eldredge? So fantastic, if he would read it. Men get so tired of being beat up, this book gets men, a man wrote it and it is not too touch feely or anything!! I highly recommend it for him, especially as a gift or something if you guys do go to counseling and it is going well or something like that. I think in your position I would probably write him a little letter something like this "Hon, I am so sorry for any way I have hurt you are misunderstood you. I don't know what to do next. If you want to try, I am willing to go to counseling. If you think it is over, I will respect that decision as well. I love you." Then see what happens. A little vulnerability goes a long way. He has a ton to ask your forgiveness for, don't get me wrong, but someone has to hold up the olive branch for the issues to ever get dealt with. If you think it is worth the fight, stick in there. Wish you the best.

It's always good to give it a real honest try... it definitely won't hurt and may help heal and get things back on track. If it doesn't, at least you can say you tried!

With my first marriage, I KNEW I would get a divorce as soon as I got better physically and could support myself. The counselor quit us as there was no way to resolve it when I was not going to be happy no matter what.

This time around, I wanted to stay married and we both wanted to make it work. It helped him understand and it helped us compromise.

You want your kids to know you tried everything to make it work. Then you will have less guilt.

There is a great program that was started in your area by David Ferguson for couples in your position. They offer 3-4 day "intensives" for couples at various retreat centers, but I know they have some in the Austin area. My husband and I took a year long course based on their curriculum and it was fabulous. I'm sure they could also recommend good counselors in the area as well. Check it out: http://www.relationalcare.org/relational_intensives.htm

I'm divorced (only married 5 months to a cheater) so you can disregard my response if you want. I listen to Dr. Laura all the time and the one thing I hear is about reading her book the Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband. Maybe it could help you seen as how you both still want it to work.

I know one couple who divorced and another one that was headed there and have both restored their marriages. There was a lot of hurt and resentment that they had to work through but it comes down to deciding that it is not in your best interest to hang on to any of it. It benefits no one. Marriage is not a 50/50 thing. It is a 100/100 thing. So don't measure what you are doing and what he is doing. Just start giving the 100% no matter what. It will change the whole dynamic!

Read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and it will blow you away. It may seem totally unfair to work so hard to change yourself, but she knows what she is talking about. People call her program all the time and tell her about their new husbands.

You can also read "The Love Dare." It is also about just changing yourself and even though the results are not immediate, it is still pretty quick in how your husband will become a different person.

Anyone contemplating divorce should ask anyone who is a product of divorce. Only a very, very small percentage of people who are telling the truth will tell you they were fine. Your kids, on average, will not be fine. I am a high school teacher and can tell you the overwhelming percentages of kids who are damaged in various ways because of divorce and often remarriage. It affects their view of themselves, their relationships, their schoolwork, their dreams, their inability to express their anger in appropriate ways, their confusion, etc. It's staggering! Also, anyone contemplating divorce should read, "The Divorce Culture" by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and realize that it is worse now. (The book was written years ago.) Very sad...

Going back to work after a divorce will give you even less energy to deal with your kids and their pain when they would need you the most, not to mention keep you from being involved in their school lives (field trips, class parties, volunteering) which we all know helps them in a variety of ways. My best kids are almost always the ones whose mom is available 24/7 and I know personally because they are around the school.

I wouldn't think you would want to share your kids with your ex-husband's new sweetheart. Because it is almost always a given that divorced men will find a new girl. If you have daughters, you can't imagine what that does to a girl... Your kids will learn so much about relationships by watching how you handle this time of conflict. What do you want them to learn?