Need Advice - How Do You Get Un-angry/ Resentful at Your Husband When ...?

I suggest you are angry about a lot of things related to managing a home and 3 young children. Because he doesn't understand you blame it on him alone. I suspect he is less helpful because he feels your anger.

The way you get rid of the anger/resentment is for both of you learn how to better communicate. For you both be able to describe how you're feeling and what you need using I statements. (I am angry when you come home late. Could we make a plan for those nights that will help both of us?) Focus on one thing.

Start by developing compassion for you and your husband. Both of you are having a difficult time. I suggest he is handling the situation by withdrawing. You handle it by attacking. The fight or flight response. I suggest that by thinking in a compassionate way, you will gradually become less angry. I use the "fake it til you make it" technique.

I suggest a way to start over is to recognize that your anger/resentment is part of the problem. When you can tell him that you know you both need better ways to communicate and you are able to show him love and acceptance, he will likely be able to relax some and have conversations about how the two of you can change your relationship. Focus on the relationship instead of what he does or doesn't do. Tell him you appreciate what he does. Reality is that he does much more than the average husband

While I was trying to learn a more successful way to communicate, I learned that we can say the same thing in different ways to get a different outcome. First, I read How To Talk so Children Will Listen by Adele Faber. These principles work on husbands as well as other adults. Then I found information on nonviolent cummunication. The organization has good information describing a more positive way to interact on the Internet. Google it for information.

Later, I reread your post. I suggest the source of your anger is much more about not feeling emotionally connected and the lack of support. I have two suggestions. One, is that a lot of people aren't able to understand how we feel, even to do what we ask. Men's brains really are wired differently. Two, I suggest he's not able to hear you because of the anger between you. Three, one way that men make an emotional connection is with sex. He's angry you cut him off. A whole lot of anger that stops both of you from feeling connected and supportive. I've been in similar situations more than once. If your husband was emotionally available at one time. I suggest you can get that back. In the meantime find support from friends. I also suggest that the two of you have a date night/day together. Forget about responsibilities; have fun.

Later, I very briefly looked through some of your previous question. One word jumped out at me. You said you confronted him about how he acted after visits with his mother. Confrontation does not change things in marriage. It makes the other person feel blamed. In a marriage,.whatever the difficulty, both are having difficulty. You're in this together. He is not purposely being grouchy, etc. He is having difficulty in his relationships. You don't like the way he is. Both of you have a problem. The way to resolve issues in a relationship with a significant other is to work together to find a way both of you can feel better. I suggest that compassion frees up both of you to support each other.

Based on the little I read, I now suggest that your husband also feels that you don't support him. I urge you to find compassion in your heart. Both of you are hurting. I urge you to get couples counseling.

You are telling your husband he has to change. We cannot change anyone but ourselves. We can influence how others treat us by changing the way we relate to them.

Consider moving to a smaller house with a smaller mortgage payment.
Then you won't be so pressed for money and can take a cut in salary.
What you have to do to afford your lifestyle is getting you down.
Downsize the lifestyle - and things might fall into place a lot better than they are now.

I can't suggest things about workload etc. but I can tell you what made me happier in my marriage.

I lowered my expectations - of my husband. And of myself.

I stopped trying to do it all. My sisters told me those early years of a family were the toughest and it gets easier. It does.

My husband has no clue what I am on when I am emotional. He has no desire to listen to me when I am emotional. He took my hand years ago and said "Hon, I love you - but this is what girl friends or your sisters are for." and he was right. It helped our marriage. He used to look pained before hand.

He does not meet my emotional needs. I do that. I stopped putting that expectation on him. He was so happy, and in turn, I was no longer disappointed.

If I told my husband I needed to connect before sex, he wouldn't know what that meant. Show him. Take charge. If you need to relax watching TV first, or have a glass of wine, YOU do it. They don't need that - so they don't think of that.

Take charge. That's all I can say. If you wait for him to get all this - he won't.

Now the swearing and pushing you away stuff .... not so great. Tell him how that makes you feel and ask him to stop.

But recognize you're both going at this full on and dead tired and wiped out and it's hard and without much showing at the end of the day other than getting through (which is the same for a lot of us) it is hard. And frustrating. And it's easy to blame the person you love the most - but don't let that happen.

Communicate and support. Men know when we're bitter. And they pull back.

Which is exactly what we don't want or need. Hope that helps

It sounds to me like you are living beyond your means. If you are "house poor" you are living in the wrong house. That would be incredibly stressful. Sell the house you can't afford and find one that you can. Start with that.

Looking back I can see you've had some of these issues since before you had your third child. So there must have been some improvement in your marriage, right, before you decided to have another baby? What was going RIGHT then? You were clearly happy together and doing well at that point, so I'm wondering what has changed. Obviously life with three kids is exhausting for all, and sometimes you fall back into old habits or just stop trying, I don't know. It would be nice to hear his perspective.
Have you been to counseling as a couple? That could be helpful, especially with the appearent breakdown in communication between the two of you.
And POSSIBLY you aren't as flexible as you need to be. I notice you much of your post has to do with things you wanted and things that were planned that didn't work out, and now you're pissed. Well that's just life you know? Things don't always pan out as planned, and we don't always get what we want, ESPECIALLY in a marriage and family, so you may need to learn how to adjust some of your expectations.

I want to be sympathetic but I'm having trouble figuring out why you are so angry.

He does morning care 4 days per week, you do the 5th day. You do aftercare 4 days per week, he does the 5th day.

He grocery shops, you cook.

You do the cleaning, but you don't mention yard and lawn care - I bet he does it.

You say things are completely unequal, but they actually sound pretty even to me. It looks to me like you are both working hard at work and at home.

You are clearly unhappy and exhausted. Have you considered that you might have some depression or something else going on? Perhaps you unhappiness and exhaustion are symptoms of something more. Talk to a doctor?

ETA: After your SWH... I would also like to add that it is OK to admit that sometimes you just need a break. I have periodically taken a little break, and it helps me so much. I've gone with my DH, I've gone with girlfriends, and I've gone by myself. It doesn't have to be expensive. Pick a place, and go for 24 hours. Stay in a hotel. Schedule a massage. Eat room service dinner in front of a movie on the TV. Sleep in. Go for a quiet walk. Go home recharged.

How are things completely unequal in your house? You list tons of things your husband does that many do not do, including mine despite the fact I way outearn him. Your husband is likely exhausted too. Not sure who wanted to go for a 3rd child but someone made that decision and now you're very busy. That's what happens. I think you need to take a step back and realize you both are very busy and it's just hard vs this is all his fault.

Please stick with your counseling. I think it could be integral to your future. Something you wrote," and I know my husband won't "do what I want/ say what I want" - even if I knew what that was ".... this says it all to me. You are frustrated and aren't sure what your next step is, but you don't want things to stay the same way.

I can't tell you what to do. Change IS hard. My advice would be to go to a counselor with the goal of just working on yourself. No one else. just start with you. Not with him. A lot of people waste their time in therapy or counseling thinking that if they do the magic formula, someone else's behavior would get better. The only person you can control is yourself. It's humbling and powerful all at once to think of this.

Happiness is a choice. My father by love told me once, you can have a bad 5-10 mins because of circumstances. If you have a bad day, it's because you've chosen to. I agree whole heartedly.

I also agree to begin setting aside time for each other. Kids can suck the life right out of you. It is important to make each other a priority.

Being grateful for my blessings keeps me centered. I worked until 11:30 last night for one of the businesses we own. I could've easily complained about having to work late like that. I almost started to and turned it around. I'm grateful our business is busy and it requires a lot of work. Many businesses fail daily.

Please think about gratitude. It is a powerful tool in daily living.

Frankly this just sounds like life. I lived in So Cal with my ex. We had 2 kids and paid for daycare because we both worked full time. Newborns were $250 per WEEK. We just cut back and juggled stuff around. We did our best to keep on top of things but the house was never perfectly clean but we didn't stress out about it. You just do what you can. Frankly, the house doesn't need to be dusted every week. You have to let a few things go. It seems like you are working hard to make everything perfect and it isn't. No one expects it to be so you shouldn't either.

Take time to date your husband too. It's important for you to be friends and lovers during this time, not just parents who work full time. Change your focus, let some things go and try to be HAPPY. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy. Good luck.

I take three deep breathes. I then remember that he works just as hard, and marriage only works if both parties give 75%-100%.

My kids are about the same ages as yours. I think 3 year olds are difficult and draining. I think 8 and 6 year olds are exhausting with their independence. I think life is exhausting.

I set up a few dates for hubby and I. That's how I respond to feelings of resentment- I try to do something nice for both of us. I take lots of breaths and look for the positive.

If you need a break, take one, but don't take it out on hubby. He probably needs one too.

ETA: most men I know don't do much, and meet emotional needs? Isn't that what gfriends are for? Men are from Mars....

Your life sounds very much like mine, right down to 3 kids (before my step-daughter moved in with us), the split between home and office, and the unequal balance of home obligations, falling mostly on me. I wish I could say I have some answers for you, but I don't. I'm actually getting divorced. Not over this, but I have to say it's been great to not deal with this anymore and to go to his apartment and see that he's still not picking up after himself or organizing himself or living like an adult. He was like having another kid underfoot. This actually is a huge part of our divorce negotiation - I offered that even though the kids live with me and wake up here every week day and sleep at his place only on an occasional weekend night, I would let him realize the financial benefits of joint custody if he would actually do 50% of parenting tasks - sign permission slips, plan birthday parties, bring them to parties and pick up a gift, check homework, go to the doctor or dentist, schedule eye exams and ortho visits, sign up for sports, write the field trip and fund raiser checks, drop off and pick up from Sunday school, get them dressed for holidays and family events and make sure they have dress clothes and fresh hair cuts, etc. He flat-out refused. It will literally cost him hundreds of dollars a month more in child support to NOT do these things. He would rather pay (money that he doesn't have and will have to take from his retirement account) than do his share of day-to-day tasks.

Before we separated, I made peace with the fact that is wasn't going to be equal and was actually fine with the fact that instead of 50/50 our workload was more like 80/20. At the end of the day, I'm simply more capable than he is. He's not up to the task of parenting a bunch of kids and working, I am. It's not equal or fair, but it was better than banging my head against a brick wall.

Have you read the 5 love languages? I think that you could really benefit from reading it, and sharing it with him. You could probably also both benefit from some counseling sessions together. Sounds like you're already going...can you get him to come with you for even a few sessions?

Have you talked to him? Told him what you would like? Or what's bothering you?

My husband and I both work full-time, he is 100% from home now. He gets the kids on the bus and is home when the oldest gets off the bus. He often coaches both of our boys sports (football, basketball, and baseball) or is the ref or umpire. He does chores around the house, cooks dinner sometimes, helps with what he sees needs done. I work full-time out of the house, do just as much with the kids, take care of the budget, do ALL of the grocery shopping, most of the cleaning, and all of the planning (parties, doctor's appointments, vacations, etc). It works for us. It took us years to get in this rhythm though. We had to rotate things until we were both comfortable with where things were.

So what I'm saying is I don't think you are lucky. I think you chose a good man to be a husband and father, but you need to tell him what you need different from what you have.

Hi C., what a real post. Seriously - you have made a connection with a lot of the other women on this site, those that can relate to your situation (either in the past or present) & those who have never experienced this in their relationship.There is a lot of comparison between your situation & theirs in many posts below - I will let you read & take from that what helps.
But, pay particular attention to the posts from Marda P. & Margie G. Both of these women talk about the connection you need to establish with your husband, and the communication that either fosters that connection, or comes from it.

I thought about the underlying emotions behind what you originally posted, and I think taking a step back & actively noticing your relationship will help you. Many people can easily accept the good things that happen in our lives - when good things happen, we feel good, & can move forward with other good things, or step over inconveniences. But when things aren't going well, they stand out, because they cause a discord in our lives, and emotional hurt that we then have to respond to & overcome. And because those "bad" things stand out in such a way, it is easier for us to recognize them, remember them, recount them later.

That seems to be something you are doing when you think about what takes place in your marriage - your husband doesn't do certain things, but you do many things. And those are the "bad" things - the output you have to make, not seeming to be matched by his input. Of course, we can't always have tit-for-tat, usually someone cooks while another cleans, so it's a distribution but not the same.

It will help to think about the things your husband does do, the things you don't have to take care of. Write them down - journal this for a day, then a week, then a month, & look back at how much he is doing. Is what you are feeling about the work distribution reflected in what you observed? Oftentimes, its not. So having it in front of you can help put things into perspective. If it is very uneven - not just #'s of things, but time & importance, then have a conversation with your husband. Identify areas you need help with, & give him tangibles of how he can meet your needs. Make sure to ask him how you can meet HIS needs also. And enjoy growing together in improving this part of having a family.

I hope some of this helps! T. :)

I read your earlier posts, and it's clear this has been going on for a number of years.

I think you need to scale way back. Maybe, for example, the birthdays are too overblown and stressing you out, since you bring them up in your post? And they are an expense that you cannot handle at this level. Sounds like you have a mental image of what life 'should' be, and you're wildly stressed out that it's not. And he's stressed out but is the type who shuts down. Can you simplify things like bed making (just don't do it every day) or toy-cleaning (reduce the number of toys each kid has available at any given time, and put them in charge of their own bins of stuff)? Can the kids sort their own laundry? Even a 3 year old can match socks if you make a game out of it. Not every single thing needs to be washed after one wearing either - underwear yes, jeans no. Teach kids to hang up or fold clothes that aren't going in the hamper. I've seen laundry rooms with small mini baskets that are labeled with each kid's name or color - and folded stuff goes right in the individual basket which makes it so much easier to put away later.

If he has OCD, then things being out of order will provide added stress - that means anything chaotic at home/work as well as knowing you are disappointed. Maybe that's part of why he's staying late at work and spending time on the internet at night while you are watching TV in another room. Sounds like he is avoiding you because he's afraid he won't measure up. And he doesn't have the skills to compliment you as you would like to be. (And BTW I don't think it matters that you are in pre-baby shape - a good man won't reject a woman because of a few pounds or having her hair in a pony tail.)

Sounds like he does a ton of stuff, but it's not enough for you. Instead of throwing the laundry in his lap (which is a huge put-down and letting him know he's failing), why not sit down with him and put the laundry between you? Fold and talk at the same time, fold while you watch a movie or have some wine, whatever works. My husband and I do that all the time. We also unload the dishwasher together, each of us on one side while we put away stuff that goes in the cabinets on our respective sides. One cooks, one does dishes. We find we are much more respectful of the work the other does when we share it. And there's less "keeping score" of who has more work than there is in your listing.

I think you should go back to therapy to learn/refine the ways of expressing what you need in a helpful and less accusatory tone. You say he won't do it/say it even if you could figure out what you want - that's kind of a defeatist attitude, but it also implies that you don't even know what you want, just something that's missing and you'll recognize it if it ever occurs. I think your husband could benefit from some therapy to help him develop vocabulary as well. And you both need to "work things out" rather than "fight things out" when it comes to who stays home or who has meetings.

You guys are both over extended. You guys are both frazzled.

You have become coworkers in the business of your lives and forgotten that you're hot for each other.

It's impossible for you to put out more for him when you feel he's not putting out for you. And vice versa.

You're gonna have to schedule time together as a couple. You're going to have to pick a day and time every week to focus on each other, reconnect, (this will involve letting something go, learning to be okay with a thing that's not done, etc). You have to stick with it no matter how pissed you are at each other when that day and time come around again. Relearn being A Couple. It will not happen magically. Fake it til you make it, as Marda says.

I think all young couples have a few years like this truthfully. Good news, time WILL pass, kids DO get older, money will get better, okay?

But for now, you guys gotta give each other a freaking break already.

:)

Hi C., My two cents has three parts 1) Couples counseling to help you guys improve communication, clarify what you both want in the relationship, and to work toward resolving resentments. 2) Downsizing your lifestyle. Being stretched financially thin can take a huge toll on a marriage. 3) Are either of you spiritual? If so, I recommend getting involved in a faith/religious community together. My husband and I joined a church when we were at a really difficult point in our marriage and that environment was pivotal in helping us resolve ongoing hurts and grow together.

Who says no to afternoon help? It sounds like you do and not your husband. My husband is almost never out of bed by the time I leave for work and drive our oldest to school. Not out of bed. If I complain, he says to have our nanny come earlier and he's right. It's my choice because like you, I want to do certain things instead of leaving it all to a nanny. But that's my choice. Maybe he is very frustrated you are so angry but insist on doing it all yourself and only with his help versus some paid help. He does not sound like a slacker at all. I also make more than half our income and do much more than my husband at home and with the kids. But some of it is my choice. Much of this is probably your choice too if you really think about it. And yes. It's hard work. So many women I know complain all the time and really don't have it all that bad. They're not single working mothers of 3 barely above poverty level. I think you're just sick of all the work and blaming your husband. He probably is sick of all the work too.

Eta: no. It's not cheaper where I live. I just thought about all this when deciding how many kids to have. And if you genuinely like having afternoon time with the kids, why are you complaining? Your husband is at work afternoons and some evenings. Not at the golf course. He did morning duty.

you have a ton going on, and seem to be a bit stressed out about it. you mentioned counseling are you still going? if not go back, if you are still going talk to the counsellor and have them help you find a solution to these things you call problems. i am a stay at home mom and my dh will not cook, clean take out trash nor pick up after himdelf. he nags me to do it when islack, he usually mows but makes me pick up the yard (sticks, dog poo and kids toys) before he will do it. he does not usually do much in the way of kid care either. i do all that (he will give a snack or a bath or provide entertainment if i tell him to do it while i do something else like dishes or mop.) so when i read that your dh gets your kids ready and off to school it makes me jealouse, knowing if we were all up and getting ready at the same time my dh would expect me to make his breakfast as well as the kids food. in your shoes i would be happy that i was getting hlep around the house. (if i threw a basket of clothing on him and told him to fold it he would probably tell me to ^%$%^ off and follow that with a long rant about how worthless i am...) so count your blessings, it could be much worse!

First, I will state the obvious, all marriages have their challenges from time to time so you guys are in a rough patch. It's been a bad week for you so you're really frustrated etc. Regarding being with your kids and being fed up with the nannies...I am a stay at home Mom. That has required sacrifices on spending but to me, it was well worth it. Your comment about "wanting a job where you are involved and needed" is understandable and I honestly miss having a job sometimes BUT we all make choices and deal with the fallout from those choices. You stated a few times how much you want to be with your kids. Sounds like you guys make plenty of money so it doesn't seem like you need your job to put food on the table. You are very lucky that you have the choice. So many people don't. Maybe it's time to rethink what you want out of your life? Maybe a smaller home and less obligations would make for less stress? With a smaller home maybe you could take a job working less hours and be home with your kids and do that housework yourself. It seems like you and your husband are under lots of stress. I'd try hard to find a way to lessen it. Best of luck.

I don't pick up the slack. My husband has chores, the kids have chores, I have chores. If those chores don't get done then they get the consequences of having a harder job in the end because I am not their servant. They should be taking care of their home too.

As for having a cleaning crew, if they're not doing their job then fire them and find a person who can really use the money and will be grateful enough to work their hineys off.

Also, it is very confusing about your after school stuff. Your kids are close to the age where they'll all be in school for part of the year at least. I'd find a mom that can use some extra money and have her take the kids home with her then pay her for the couple of hours she has them. This way you have one person at one place with all the kids.

If your youngest isn't in pre-school this year then I suppose he'll be in class in the fall? That sure cuts a large part of your child care bill out.

I don't have a solution for your problem. I hope you aren't going to have anymore kids with him. I kept wondering throughout your post why you had more than one. At the very most, why you had three...

You need to fire your service. They should make that place shine every other week. Why pay them for nothing? Get a lady who will come in, maybe with a helper, and will really clean your house. If you weren't having to do so much cleaning, you could spend time with your kids without feeling so overwhelmed.

I have to tell you, my husband IS my BFF. It has always been that way. And I'm his BFF. I love that.

What's going to happen when your kids get older? Are you going to want to live with cold-fish, stay-at-work-all-the-time husband? Maybe you need to be thinking about how much longer you want to stay in this house with this man.

I feel for you, being a working mom is tough, I love my gig but it gets hard. I would focus on finding ways to take some of the non-kid time work off of you. I know you said you have a cleaner now, but what about cutting yourself slack on cooking, ie. buying easy meals a couple nights a week and premaking meals. Maybe having the cleaner come more often without it getting too expensive. Just say no to extra obligations that will stress you out.
My husband is a little like yours as far as the freeze out thing. I totally agree its not right, but I think that some of it is due to the way men are raised to not show their emotions.