Need Advice on Behavior Modification

I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 7 year old, both girls. One thing I try to do is use the word "we". Like "we don't talk that way to each other" or if you are unhappy we use words like "I don't like that" or "no thank you". My oldest daughter tells me quite often "this is the worst day ever!"

I also suggest other ways for her to answer if she is upset about something. The key is to stay calm and keep that low but firm voice.

Sometimes I just stand there and when they are done yelling I say, "ok sorry you feel that way, now please do as I ask." Then I walk away into another room. I think leaving the argument tells them silently that the decision has been made. This works on both my kids, its worth a try. I do try to hear them out though and listen to what they are saying.

The other key is remember positive reinforcement, when she does express herself in an appropriate manner, praise her for it. Whether or not she agrees with you on the argument.

Hi S.,
Remember that children mimic and model people and behaviors. I was just at my therapist's yesterday (I think all moms could benefits from it) and while talking about my almost 3 yr old's new bedtime antics she reminded me that from 24 to 36 months children have a HUGE developmental milestone. She suggested I read "The Magic Years" by Selma Fraiberg to understand this milestone and how to deal with the changes. I started reading it last night and it has already given me a different perspective on my daughter's antics and helped me approach bedtime last night differently with success. One thing she said was to be aware of how you talk to your toddler and show them respect if you want to receive it. Remember that she may not fully comprehend all that you are telling her and keep it simple. My daughter has an amazing vocabulary and I started taking for granted that she understood everything I was telling her. Not so! Try to stay calm, cool and collected when dealing with her. I found that I started to anticipate the bedtime "battle" (many, many curtain calls) and was adding to the tension. I stayed relaxed but firm last night and Paige responded the way she used to, no fussing. The best thing my therapist said was "Don't take it personal, it's not about you!"
Good luck,
L.

Hi S.,
My little girl is 3 and a half. I know exactly what you are saying. We use to call my little girl "Little Director". I suggest just simple redirection and repetition. If she would shove her sippy cup at me and demand "More Milk!", I would say "More Milk, Please". She would smile and repeat it. If she would be bossy with others I would tell her "Be Nice" and redirect her on how to rephrase to be nice. When she would ignore me I would make a game of it by saying in a happy voice "Are you ignoring me?" and tickling her. She would say "Uh-huh" and giggle. It may be frustrating to you, but to her she just learned a new skill.

Remember to keep your calm and remind yourself that as a parent you are constant teacher. I find myself redirecting my teen girls when they get bossy as well. It's like the directions on a shampoo bottle. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. ;)

Recently someone gave me a book titled Positive Discipline for PreSchoolers. I'm really liking it.
Here's the link for it on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Preschoolers-Re...

There was a time when my two boys were out of control - in a big way. I got a book called 1-2-3 Magic. Fabulous! Within 2 weeks we had a 180 turnaround and now I have kids who, for the past 5 yrs have had very few behavior issues - they do what they are told, when they are told, they are not rude to others, they are well behaved kids.

Now, this does not mean that I am a mean parent and that they have been 'trained' in some fashion. It means that I learned how to not negotiate, not yell, not threaten, etc: I give them a warning '1', a consequence '2' and then if they don't stop whatever behavior it is they get the consequence '3' and that's it.

The book teaches about how kids learn, why they do what they do, the different personality types and how to work with them, and it teaches parents to be consistent with boundaries and rules of the house. Kids need these things and we make our jobs as parents significantly easier when we are consistent. I grew up in a household where one day it was fine to jump on the couch and the next I'd get yelled at and spanked for it. Talk about confusing!

Now that I am a consistent parent it is really cool. As my boys get older (11 and 13), I give them more leeway to test the boundaries, discuss the boundaries and question the boundaries - sometimes their ideas make sense and I change the boundary (like bedtimes, etc). Sometimes I don't change the boundary and tell them why. They don't have to like it - but they do accept it. We have a fabulous relationship filled with respect, trust and open communication on both sides. I can count on them (most of the time - they are kids...) to do what they are supposed to and behave appropriately.

Give the book a try - I am not necessarily a big fan of books like this...but this one was GOLD to my family. :)

Warmly,
J.

S.,

It's very difficult to have a two year old stop from talking back. I have a 2 year old daughter as well and she is NOT easy to handle. I do let her know why I am not doing as she wants me to when she is bossy. For example, when she demands something from me I ask her to look at me (face to face) and then ask her to repeat what she "needs." Then I have her repeat the correct way that she should be asking for things or attention. The way you talk to your child also influences on their attitudes and behaviors, and even the way you talk to others around your child. Be careful on what words you use around her when speaking to other adults and the expressions in your face, especially your body movements. All can be done to help her understand she needs to speak up for herself in the correct manner. Good luck!

When my kids were little someone told me about his discipline idea from www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. Basically her philosphy is that for tomatoes to grow well and be most fruitfull they need to be staked to make them grow striaght and for our children to be most fruitful and follow a striaght path they also need ot be staked and we as the parents are the stake. Her tomato-staking discipline involves keeping your child with you until they have proven they can grow without the assistance of the stake. By keeping your child with you you catch misbehavior or indesired behavior right when it starts as opposed to after thier is a masterpiece colored on the wall or as soon as a child begins to whine or have a bad attitude they are told they will be ignored until theyt change. This does not mean your life revolves around what your child wants to do. It means your child comes with you. For example if you are cooking in dinner, she can play with some toys int he kitchen or color at the table but she may not be in the living room or a bedroom. If you go to the bathroom she will come in with you or an older child can stand outside the door. We have used this with our children with great results. We are not as zealous as the author of this webpage but we are often commented on in public by our kids behavior. Our kids pretty much are with me or my husband or another adult constantly until age 3 to 3 1/2 at which point they start to be left alone or with siblings for brief periods of time and more as they get older. However any major regression will find them hanging out with mom a lot. My 2 1/2 year old challenges this of course but I am firm and mostly consitant.
Now I need to specify for my 2 year old I often model how I would like him to do it. If he throws his plate in the sink, I pick it up show him how to put it ont he counter gently then hand it to him to try again and we will try until he does it gently. Or I will give him the words to handle his situation. If he wants a toy his sibling has he must ask for it and I will tell him how and if they say no I will help him ask when he can have it and then help him to wait until that time. We don't really punish except for extreme behavior we usually just show him how to do it and take his hand as necessary. When we walk by a busy street I don't wait to see if he will run out into to it to hold his hand if there is traffic I hold his hand firmly whether he likes it or not. However on the quiet backroads near out home I will let him walk without holding my hand so he can learn to stay with me. He is givien gentle reminders and if he doesn't stay close then he is put in the stroller or holds my hand.
Discipline comes from the word disciple which mean to teach.

Hope I have been helpful to you,
H. F

I am a child psychologist and often work with parents with these kind of issues. Basic behavior mod strategy is to reinforce the positive behavior through praise and to ignore the negative behavior (unless it's dangerous and then matter-of-factly tell the child to not do that, and back it up with firm direction). Spanking can increase the child's anger and aggression. It's important to be consistent, and not back down after we've set a limit or said no, because that encourages the negative behavior which then becomes very hard to change. I've found that giving in once can cause the behavior to persist for several days or even weeks. When we ignore a negative behavior, sometimes the negative behavior gets stronger (called "extinction burst") while the child tries to ramp up their behavior to see if it will work if they are more intense or try it more frequently. We have to wait out the negative behavior until it is gone (the child gives up because they aren't getting anything from it). It's also important to help the child substitute a positive behavior in place of the negative one. To do that, we have to figure out what the child is getting from the negative behavior and how they can get the same thing that they're wanting with a positive behavior and coach/teach them how to do this. Praise is very effective. Our kids want to please us and have positive interactions with us. My favorite books about this are "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas Phelan and "Commonsense Parenting" published by Boys Town Press. I'd be happy to offer more information if you email me. Hope this helps.

Dear S.,
The first thing I thought when I read this was that you want her to "be a leader without being a bossy little brat."
NO SUCH THING AT 2-1/2!

What is it you want her to be the leader of at this age? ....Who gets to play with which shovel and pail in the sandbox?
It sounds like she is doing the leading in your house and that should be YOUR job.
Yes, sometimes it's hard to keep a straight face when we love our kids and they are comical. But, if she is really bright, and I believe that she is, (sometimes they are the ones that require more work), you will have to make sure she knows who makes the rules and how she will follow them. Bossy? Time out! Back talk? Time out! Ignore you? Time out! Do not cater to one single thing she wants when she is acting out and then ONLY reward her for listening and following instructions.
If you truly want her to be a leader, she will have to learn by your example. One isn't born the leader. One will never be the leader if one can't follow rules. People who successfully "lead" have to have an example of structure to go by.
Your daughter may well decide to go into the nursing field in which case she will have a compassion for the needs of others. You just never know. But, she is not even 3 yet. Her leading anything should be completely off the table and not even thought about for quite a few years to come.

I completely agree with everything everyone has said. One more little tidbit....let her know what is coming. At this age they are strugglig with control. They want to get it, and use it over you. Most tantrums and other bad behavior come when they feel out of control. With my 6 (almost 7) and 8 years olds, I still make sure my kids know what is expected of them before it happens. (Like when you go into the grocery store, you let her know that you won't buy a toy or a cereal she likes, but if she is good you will go to the playground with her.) This goes for behavior expectations as well as fun stuff. Then they know what is happening and how they are expected to act and they don't get blindsided. And for the fun stuff they can help me plan and it makes them feel more a part of things. I realize your daughter is still a little young for this, but she can participate in things like cleaning up, cooking, doing an art project etc. You can guide the amount of participation and she won't feel the need to fight back all the time. Then when you need the discipline it won't seem to her so much you against her, but you doing it for her.

And most important, remember that she is only two. I think we tend to look at our kids as little adults too often. Remember she is a baby, and even though this time seems so tough on you, it's fun for her. Pay attention to the wonderful things she is learning as much as fixing the behavior problems. Then she will see how fun it is to learn, and even more fun with mom.

Good luck, you will get through this!

It is so great to know you are not, I am not alone here at mama source. I am dealing with my 2 year old sometimes going on 6 year old daughter and couldn't agree more with what the other moms have suggested. One thing I learned in early childhood education was to detach yourself from the situation so you don't become emotionally involved. I often act like a third party looking in because if I let my self feel like mom I might read alot more into the situation then nessesary. I just went through a very long 2 - 3 weeks of behavior trouble. I just kept doing what the moms have said to do , positive reinforcement, Speaking firmly but calmly, Consistant time outs when needed for things like bitting and repeat offenses after being told. It was running me into the ground and I was about to wave the white flag and say I can't do this anymore.She was oppisite of everything I asked her. Then she woke up one morning and was a different child. My husband and I both noticed a huge difference in her behavior. She was able to cooperate, ask nicely, listen to others, accept a "no" answer with out a full one tempertantrum. I remember my son had the same pattern. Sometimes it would be a couple month break in between this times of dis-ease and termiol but when you get to the other side there is always reward in all the hard work. you see them shine as they put it all together. So hang in there just keep showing her the right way, the positive way. The book recommendations are great by the way. R.

I have no advice, but I too am going through the same thing with my 2 year old and her brother is 6 mos old. I am about ready to lose my mind sometimes. My daughter is a brat at times and then other times she is so sweet. What really annoys me is the fact she is a sweetheart at her preschool. They think she is a little angel, so she is capable of good behavior. It just depends on who she is with and where she is at. One thing that does help sometimes is giving her only two choices. She usually chooses the best one.
Good Luck

Hi S.-
Sounds like you have your hands full. I do not personally have experience with this, however, with others I have noticed that eye contact is imperative. A very close friend of mine has a son who, at that age, would not mind her at all. She found that for every action and discipline, she had to get down on her knees, eye level with her son, and give him direction. Once said, she would ask him if he had heard her words and if he understood them. He was not allowed to look around while they had these short conversations. It took a little bit, and he still misbehaved here and there, but the overall effect was amazing.
I hope this helps!
-E.

Hi S.. Go to your city's health dept. Normally they have a specialist that can evaluate (for free) your child's behavior. My son went through a really bad case of the terrible 2's and even worse was the horrible 3's. He's almost 4 and he now is pretty good but it probably would've helped a lot for me to take him there... I guess I was just stubborn! It did work for a couple of my friends. Good luck.

Others can give you the behavior mod ideas. My input is that SHE'S ONLY 2!!!! She's a baby. Make efforts to change things if you wish but don't assume 2 year old behavior equals a juvenile delinquent later on. She's probably just like most other 2 year olds. How can you call a 2 year old a bossy little brat? There's no such thing at that age.

Hi S., I just read somewhere that even if you are the perfect parent, children will still misbehave. This was such an eyeopener for me!! I always thought that if I was a better parent, my challenging 3 year old would behave perfectly! It seems kinda ridiculous when you say it out loud, but I had bought into it completely. So, please help your sassy little gal learn leadership(without unrealistic expectations!), but don't beat yourself up unduly.
Remember, Strong litle girls become strong women! Some of the qualities that are so trying as kids are things that we admire in adults.
Good Luck!