There is a neighbor with a child of the same age and gender as mine. My child is extremely social and frequently wants to play with the neighbor child. Often, I can't go over there with her because my other child is napping. So the mom says my child can stay to play while I go back home. I usually come back in 30-45 minutes. I have frequently offered that the kids can come to our house so as to not burden this mom. She always says its okay, and for some reason her child is reluctant to come here, and has done so rarely, and only briefly. The problem is that I feel uncomfortable because I sense the mom doesn't really seem interested in friendship, doesn't invite me in, etc. She is friends with another neighbor, who we reached out to when we first moved in, but they never reached back. These moms do things frequently with all their kids, and when my child hears them, wants to participate too, but to date we have never been included. We did call the 2nd neighbor once to ask them to turn off something that was loud. So recently I apologized if we offended them. So I feel like a clear conscience. It is just so awkward to feel left out -- not necessarily for me, since we have other friends, but for my child. Any advice on how to interact??? Thanks!!
Thank you for all of your comments. After chatting with my husband, I decided I would try one more time to reach out, to bthe second neighbor, since I have extended several invitations to the first neighbor and see what happens. I am 43 and and prefer to invest my time in meaningful relationships. If it is not natural, I won't force it. My daughter is a natural social butterfly -- I don't mind her going over to play, but she wants to go alot!!! I will just have to make more of a point to plan other playdates here and go to the playground etc. Thanks again, and I welcome other comments as well.
Maybe invite the moms out to a moms night out/dinner at a restaurant ( a neutral place) without the kids? That way you will be able to actually talk with the neighbors and get to know them without the kids being involved. Just an idea.
I would try inviting everyone over for a big playdate at your house. Have snacks and drinks and a set-up (maybe on the lawn if there are lots of kids) where the moms can sit and watch, but still sit back, chat and get to know each other. It's possible that since the mother doesn't know you very well that she's not comfortable leaving her child alone in your care for very long (Not a personal slight, just a normal mother's concern. I don't like my children playing at houses where I don't know the parent very well).
It might also be a possibility that she feels like you are kind of pushing your child on her. You said that your child is the one that wants to go and play, so are you asking if your kid can come over? A lot of people will feel like they've been put on the spot and won't say no, but that kind of attitude can make them hesitant to open up. I know that in the past, when I have felt that way, I really didn't want my kids at someone else's house for fear that they would think I then needed to reciprocate. It could also be that perhaps her child doesn't care to play with yours very much-perhaps her child doesn't like the way yours plays with their toys, or feels they are too rough, or other kid reasons, or maybe their personalities just don't mesh.
As for the other mothers being out and about with their kids-it's possible that they are very good friends and would sometimes like to be able to hang out without worrying that they are hurting someone else's feelings. It's also possible that they would be perfectly fine with you joining them outside for all of the kids to have some playtime-but they don't feel like they have to issue a formal invitation. That's the rule in our neighborhood-if anyone is outside playing-all are welcome to join in. Try going out at some point and ask them if they'd mind if you all join them and see how it goes. You'll never know unless you give it a shot-and at least then you'll know where you stand.
A little note though (and this may not apply to your child)-but perhaps if you have a bigger playdate with these other kids, you could watch your child's behavior closely and a bit critically. While we have a great neighborhood and are all friends, there are kids that live farther down the road who are the around the age of my older child. I don't care to have them at my house (though I do occasionally for brief periods of time) because they tend to play rough, they tease my dog, they don't listen to me very well, and they tend to make a huge mess out of my house and never help to clean up. I don't like the way they play here-so I'm not comfortable with my own kids playing at their house.
It's possible that none of this applies to your situation, but before you get your feelings hurt, keep your eyes and mind open to the situation. Good luck!
I have a similar problem. I am not sure how to handle it but its sounds to me like you are doing everything correctly. The other women sounds like my neighbor she just doesn't want to be your friend. It hurts. I gave up even trying to get together. She always has some excuse. Her two younger kids are the same age as my two younger kids. The kids get along wonderful. Who can figure. Well its her problem. I won't be rude but not my friendly self with her.
Do the other moms also have a younger child at home as well like you do? Sometimes moms get clicky like that.... if you dont have the exact same age kids they dont feel like they are on the same page with you....
Just keep making the offers for your neighbor to come play at your house, sometimes she will sometimes she wont... Friendships take time, having the kids play together is the precursor to your relationship with your neighbor, I'm sure it will happen in due time.
Hi Christine,
First, I apologize, as i'm typing this from a cell phone so i am sure to have a million typos.
Being on the other end of a similar situation, where a friend who was previosly close with myself and two other woman, all of us with children the same ages, I can only offer you some insight from our specific situation. Over the summer, we've all slowly and reluctantly distanced ourselves from a very nice person because her 5 year old daughter was continually the source of havoc "on the playground..." and anywhere else she would be. Our friend, AS a friend is a wonderfully, sweet, all around good person and I miss our conversations terribly. However, she consistently allowed her young daughters to essentially control every situation, bullying and being mean to all the other children in the group. And almost to the point of oblivion, let's her girl scream and run wild in any restaurant or public location. And on the few occasions it has been acknowledged, she chalks it all up to "girls being girls." obviously none of our kids are perfect, but the difference is that when our kids act up, we address it. There are consequences and we won't hesitate to leave a situation when one of our kids is misbehaving. She does not ever do this. One of the mothers in our group is this woman's next door neighbor and after a while we learned that she has been painfully aware of the situation before any of us. We never understood why the two neighbors always seemed so distant from eachother. She frequently would send her kids outside when she saw the neighbor out there and never ask if she could keep an eye on them. Sadly, this woman doesn't really know why we've grown from her, although I'm sure she's picking up that SOMETHING is up. But, how do you bring up someone's parenting style without them feeling attacked? Especially when she seems great in every other way. It's definitely a loss, but better for the childrens' sakes. So, while this may not be your situation (and i hate to make you paranoid), there could definitely be something more to why your reaching out is not reciprocated. I agree with the response that suggested you try and get all the kids over for a playdate and observe your child's behavior. If nothing else comes of it, you can at least rule that out. Good luck! You seem like a genuinely nice person, I hope everything works out!
Schedule a playdate with both moms so they can come over at the same time. Have some coffee cake for them & a fun kid snack for the kids. If you feel things went well, then say "this was real nice would you guys want to consider having another playdate". And if they don't reciprocate then just figure they are just the mean "high school" girls that you should stay away from, lol.
