There used to be us three friends (myself, Carla and Renae). All living in different cities. Three years ago, I took a romantic weekend to the beach with DH to a town on the outskirts of where Carla lives. When she found out, she was furious that I didn’t stop by to visit with her. She ended her rant with “Just because you found ‘God’ doesn’t mean you sh*t all over your friends.” I apologized, explained (1) she wasn’t my only friend in that town (we didn’t go visit anyone), (2) It wasn’t anything to do with her and (3) DH and I decided it was going to be just “us” that weekend. I have reached out to her 2-3 times and have sent Christmas cards. Needless to say, she hasn’t spoken to me since. Renae has stayed friends with both of us over the years. Well, I just got an e-mail from Renae she was coming our way (from Vermont) to go to Carla’s daughter’s coming out party. She’s coming for 8 days and asked if I was open for a visitor the last 2.5 days, as she is flying out of my hometown. I said “Sure!” Well, she has now sent me a new e-mail asking if I would be willing to go pick her up. Carla lives 3 hours away…So, that would mean SIX hours of me on the road JUST to go pick her up! I’m a little irritated as to WHY would she book a flight into Carla’s hometown and fly out of my hometown and not have a plan as to HOW she was getting here. First of all, I looooove Renae…She’s a lot of fun and we’ve always gotten along. But I start my new job less than a month prior to this visit. She wants to be picked up on a Thursday. I suppose I COULD go get her after work…But that wouldn’t bring me back home until after 11pm!!! My daughters would either be possibly home alone (depending on DH’s work) or traveling for six hours on a school night. PLUS – I have no desire to see Carla. I think it’s super inconsiderate to think I would just up and go get her. That is a lot of time, gas, wear and tear on my car. What would you do? I mean, I almost want to ask her HOW she planned on getting here in the first place? Honestly, DH works for the Minor League in town…That’s right at playoffs. If we end up going to the playoffs (if the rest of the season is as good as it is now – we’ll be in)…We’re going to be with the team. IF we have to travel, we’d take Renae with us…But that was assuming (as she had led me to believe in the first e-mail) that she had a ride HERE on Thursday morning. What would you say? I’m not a strong personality, I don’t like confrontation and I’m not one to be rude (of course, you can double-check that with Carla – LOL). So, I’m looking for something witty – but also, I want her to know I think this was inconsiderate. What IF we were going to be out of town that weekend? What was she going to do? She doesn’t know anyone here. You all always have quick and polite wit…Can ya help me out?!
Thank you everyone for the sound advice (for and against). I ended up telling Renae the truth, that I could not guarantee a ride. She responded with "Carla with take me on Saturday, don't worry about it." So for her 8 day visit, I won't get to see her at all. I did respond that if anything changes on her end, let me know (I even suggested Carla and I meet up 1/2 way). I didn't go into anything else. What I did realize, after talking with DH and some other friends, were Renae and I REALLY friends? I mean, I DID invite her to my daughter's Sweet 16 and she didn't show up. That same daughter is turning 18 this year and I'm turning 40 a week later. I invited her to come celebrate and she kept making excuses. I finally realized last night - she had plans to go to Carla's this whole time and not once was honest to tell me. It's a sad ending to what I thought was a great chapter in my life. But if I couldn't drive six hours on a school night, when we already have commitments (DH’s team made the playoffs), then that makes ME a bad friend? I don’t think she had any REAL intentions of seeing me or my family, she just needed a ride here.
I would call her and say " I've been looking forward to your visit. I really want to see you. Let's try to work out a way to get you here. It's going to be really tough for me to go pick you up" and see what she says. She may have other options that she didn't mention in her email. You could suggest that she rent a car. A small car for one day isn't that expensive and you could pick her up at the rental place.
Wow no its ok for you not to drive 3 hours there and back. Say I can meet you have way if you like or give her a bus map or train map and say you'll pick her up at the station.
I guess I don't really think it's that inconsiderate of her to ask. When I travel and make plans to see someone I would assume that when they say "yes!" that they would not be counting up the hours on the road. In the grand sceam of things 3 hours by yourself on the road isn't that bad. The other three will be you riding back with your girlfriend and talking and laughing...without husband or daughter! it's the only time you'll get.
If you had said "no, we will be out of town" then I assume that your friend would have stayed with Carla until she flew out. Maybe she was under the mistaken idea that you would like to spend some time with her and that 6 hours out of your day wasn't going to be that bad. She was wrong!
Also, with your ex friend Carla that you have no desire to see. I understand that you are a bit pissed by your friends remarks to you...obviously there is more to it than you have said because she made some religious remarks, so maybe she was getting a little tired of hearing your newfound God, or religion? Don't know, but it really sounds like her feelings were hurt, so she lashed out at you to hurt yours. Right or wrong, you are both adults. it shouldn't matter if you see her or not, you are a lady...right?
L.
Are you really upset because of the actual drive? OR because of where you have to drive to, Carla's house? I agree, that it's too far, and personally I wouldn't want to do it either, and would find alternatives, rather than canceling the visit. I mean, you were excited in the beginning to see her! And then the thought of driving 6 hours and to Carla's brought that down. Under the circumstances, that's normal. But, don't let that get in the way of seeing Renae. And I'm going to just throw this out there...maybe Renae is actually trying to get you and Carla to see eachother, to try and break the ice and possibly mend your broken friendship? It has to be difficult for her, being in the middle, and I'm sure she misses they way things used to be too. She loves you, she loves Carla, And she's cutting her time short with Carla to see you! How do you think Carla feels (not that you care right now)? But, still! How long has it been since you have seen Renae? Will your friendship endure this hiccup if you don't see her this trip? Are these things important to you? If you decide that you do want to see her, come up with an alternative, you've gotten lots of good advice already. GL :)
Ask her if Carla can drive her to a half-way point to meet you. Don't worry about making a witty remark to Carla. Just pick up your friend midway, say hello, nice to see you, goodbye.
What is up with us "don't want to be rude?" folks? I think the bigger problem is, you thinking about this way too much.
You don't need to be witty about this. Only polite, yet frank.
"I am sorry Renae, I don't think I will be able to pick you up. If you cannot get here without me, that means we will not be able to see each other this time around. That makes me sad but it's OK, we'll have to try to meet up again next time."
If Renae asks for an explanation, tell her the truth, but don't overexplain or try to make excuses...
"Well, it will be a six hour drive to and from to get to you. I have my daughters to think about, I will not leave them home unattended if my husband is working and I cannot get a babysitter on time on a school night. I cannot also guarantee that I will be available since my husband's work obligations might mean we have to travel with him. I wish we could meet up Renae, but I just cannot commit to it right now."
If she is a true friend she will understand completely.
Why dont you just be honest with her? Tell her that you have a busy schedule and you have children, and now a job. You dont have TIME to go and get her. Why can she not rent a car herself and drive to your house? It is her responsibility to find a way there, she is the one who asked to come, she should have made arrangements to see you. I could see if it was only one hour away, that isnt too bad, but three is excessive and a lot to ask of even a good friend.
Call her, if you can and ask her if there is any way that she can find a different way. Could she rent a car? Have someone else drive her? Etc. Or even could she give you gas money? It's not cheap! but that you really just cant, and you have a busy life it seems and you dont want to drag the kids around too.
Sorry to say, if you really dont want to get her, and she doesnt find another way to you, then maybe she shouldnt come. Its just a lot of expect of you.
I know you're probably done already, but I had one more idea for you, that I didn't see here: if she is renting a car (which i would imagine she is for the four days she'll be in Carla's town), she probably didn't realize how very expensive it is to return the car to another city - rental car companies tack on an additional fee for doing that. Offer to pay half of the rental car company's fee for dropping off the car in your town, and see if she's more willing to drive herself.
If you want to see her, don't show your frustration AT ALL or point out it's rude. This will ONLY put static in the air. You need to give a totally logistical factual "I can't do the drive and didn't realize you wouldn't have a way to get here." response. Or, "It's too far for a pick up, can I split a rental car with you?" Just feel calm in the fact hat your response is not nearly as crazy as her expectation. If you're loaded, offer to treat her to the car. Surely there is one she can pick up there and drop off in your town airport to airport at least. If she's not strapped, she should take the cue and get her own car. 3 hours for her is a lot less than 6 for you. This is her trip, not yours, and you're hosting.
That is a tuff one...but you could always tell her you really could not being as it was a school night and such. However she did travel all the way here and is trying to make a point to see you. Do you really want to see her? It just depends what you feel in your heart. Being Godly is more important then being Lady Like. You can plant your seed (reaching out, sending cards and emails) but you can not MAKE a plant grow. Alot of people pass judgement on Christians or their beliefs in God that will never change. If it were me I would question whether we were ever really friends to begin with and I have raised my kids the same way. Not really sure on this one though because you have been friends for 15 years she could be lashing out because of hurt feelings. Sorry to hear she feels that way I know that has to hurt. Great job going with your heart and telling the truth. It will work out you will see.
I wouldn't try to let her know it's inconsiderate or in any way a negative request. Even if you disguise your remark with witty words, you're still being rude. After all she asked. She didn't assume you'd pick her up.
I would just tell her no, that you' aren't able to pick her up. You could look into bus schedules and suggest that she could catch the bus or train and you'd pick her up at the station. Another idea is to catch a shuttle sort of plane between the two airports. I've flown several years ago between Portland and Seattle which are approximately 3 hours apart and found the fare to be reasonable. I don't know if such flights are reasonable now. But I know the bus and train fares are good. If there is a train, it's great fun too.
I don't understand why you're angry with Renae since she's a good friend. Her wish to visit with you expresses her feelings of friendship. It's reasonable to ask if giving her a ride is possible. That question requires either a yes or a no. You don't need to put her down for asking.
I suggest that the anger you feel for Carla is coming out in your response to Renae. Perhaps you're hurt/angry that Carla didn't invite you?
Also you don't like confrontations. Witty/sarcastic remarks are a way to avoid confrontation but they still express anger. And they're damaging to relationships. She'll recognize that you're upset but won't know how to deal with it putting a negative spin on a potentially great visit with a good friend.
I think she is asking too much. Tell her no. You have plans already and would love to visit, but she needs to find her own way to your house if she is needing to stay....sounds like she is trying to get you back for the whole thing a while back--trying to inconvienience you. JMO
GL!
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Can't she rent a car?
True friends wouldn't mind helping out another friend.
Go to you YOU TUBE and watch this video,
Tracy Lawrence "Find Out Who Your Friends Are"
